This was written for the February One-Shot Exchange on HPFC.
This is my very first time writing based on a challenge... And I must say it wasn't what I planned, but somehow I liked it.
Special thanks to my beta-reader Veronica-reads ^^
Prompt: (Dialogue) "If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless."
Genre: Hurt/Comfort & Angst.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter & Potterverse belongs to Jo Rowling a.k.a. The Goddess.
I'm slowly drifting to you
The stars and the planets
Are calling me
A billion years away from you
I'm on my way
(My Tears Are Becoming a Sea – M83)
She was all alone, sitting on the wet grass, gazing at the sky. The contours of her body trembling against the freezing wind. He was sure that her threadbare coat was not enough to warm her.
He sighed, looking at the moon, ornate by bright stars. The black sky hovering above them, threatening... As if the constellations could fall on them instantly. The moon herself crashing away their insignificance. Yet, it was magnificent.
Warily, he moved his body to hers, quivering a bit, tightening his coat on his body. The dew on the plants would certainly freeze during dawn. She did not object when he sat down next to her, crossing his legs and looking at the sky. She only smirked.
"Don't ask me which one is Sirius" her voice was calm, the corner of her lip was curved up, but her eyes were red with glistening tears.
"Why not?" he wondered, his brow furrowed.
"You always do it. It's not quite original anymore."
"You stabbed me, woman."
She giggled, but tears streamed down her nose.
"Don't ask me if we're going to die," his voice was colder than he intended and when she gazed at him, he avoided those bright eyes "Everybody asked that kind of question."
"It's not original..." she mumbled to herself, biting her lower lip.
He didn't like the way her always so cheerful voice sounded. It was oddly numb.
"It's like their diving on us," she mumbled, barely audible, her eyes on the stars again, "you can ask which one is Sirius, you know?"
"There is a Sirius right next to you, woman," he sneered and she made a sound like a mix of a sob and a chuckle. His own voice was a weird mix of looseness and repressed boiling anger "Yet so far away. Don't make any sense, especially now."
"How shrewd, Sirius..." she sneered, wiping her tears on her sleeve "I heard that Regulus was killed."
"Spoiled child. He paid for his choices," he shrugged, sulky "Don't change the subject, Marlene."
"Don't act like that. Don't speak like that," she scowled, eyes twinkling with conflicting emotions "This is what he works for. This is the very core of his actions, what he needs so desperately... He took a lot of us already. Don't let him make you speak about a brother you used to love in such a manner."
"Regulus chose his way. He chose to stand for everything we despise, for everything we fight against, for everything we're dying for!" gritting his teeth, me leaned to her "You can't forbid me to hate him, and all of that rotten family."
"You-Know-Who would be pleased to hear you now," she shifted on place, uneasy "So hateful."
"Don't you dare..."
"What?" her strong, yet bleary eyes glared at him "To point out your flaws? Do you think this is a game, Sirius? A glorious, epic battle of the good against the evil? Stop romanticizing it."
"Are you out of your mind?" his voice was shaky due to anger "Do you think I'm kidding? That I'm just playing here? Fooling around?"
"Your brother was a young man with eighteen years old that would never marry, would never have kids, a family, a job... What about his dreams that would never be fulfilled? Don't you wonder what Regulus could've been?" her voice rose an octave "What we, all of us, could've been? What we would never be?!" with a broken cry, she buried her head on her palms, an uncontrollable and frantic wave of sobs shaking her body.
It felt like his heart was being squeezed by his ribs. Embracing her shoulders, he leaned her body on his chest, stroking her low back, caressing her always so tidy and now messy hair.
"I didn't know you cared that much about Regulus."
"A whole generation is dying," she muttered, with a muffled voice "Young people, full of life. I remember the day he was sorted. So little and looking so scared. You hoped that he was a gryffindor just like you" she kept silent, breathing against his coat "It's not Regulus' death itself that bothers me. At least not entirely. But the fact the he is destroying us. People we used to chat with during classes, people we used to tease during quidditch... He was sixteen and had the dark mark. Now he was eighteen and died. What kind of brainwashing is this? I know you'll say that he worshiped You-Know-Who... But what kind of reality can make a person so young feel such hate?"
"If you know my mother you would understand."
"Nevertheless, you're on the opposite side." she allowed herself to small a little "Why you and not Regulus? Why all of us are sentenced to die? What on Earth we did to deserve such a punishment?."
"You're not going to die. We're not going to die. I assure you this."
"It's not that simple... Don't romanticize it," she glanced at him, her eyes glowing, reflecting himself on her irises.
"I don't understand you when you say this."
"Is not that simple. You can't tell it's going to be alright just because you want to, because you wish to. This is far more complex than it... Far too deep than pure positivity."
He kept quiet, feeling dizzy and drowsy. It was too much to handle. And he was so young. Deep on his very core, he knew she was right. And all those unanswered questions, the 'what ifs', the feeling of hopelessness... He was doing his best to not be engulfed by it, to not sink on it.
"Do you want to stargaze?" he grinned when she laughed, mumbling a positive answer. Sirius cast a spell and they laid themselves on the duvet, cuddling. Her index finger moving randomly on his chest.
"I was too cliché," she made a grimace, pinching his belly, softly.
"What do you mean?"
"My infuriating speech," she giggled, blushing. Her cheeks still blotchy.
"You always had your ways with harsh, yet so truthful words," he shrugged, his fingers entwined on her locks "But by now you should stop it. Control yourself. If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless."
"Too stubborn to be real..." she inhaled deeply, closing her eyes.
Sirius bit his tongue. It all seemed so wrong. He never imagined that his late teens would be like that. Her wise words were full of a hurtful and unbelievable truth. His once so dear young brother was dead. Sirius didn't know how it happened... and who did it. If he suffered and why he needed to die. He could blame Regulus' weak character, or his manipulative parents, Bella's influence... But all of that revolved around Voldemort. He couldn't help to do exactly what Marlene was preventing him to do so. Feeling heroic, full of adrenaline, ready to everything, acting like if the death was just the maiden he will need to meet somehow, someday.
And he knew, deep down, that he wasn't ready to die.
"Alice thinks she's pregnant." Marlene smiled, eyes closed, nuzzling on Sirius' shirt, like his words were never spoken "Frank suspects too."
"Are you kidding?"
"And theirs is not the only baby on its way... Apparently."
"What do you mean?"
"Swear to secrecy that you won't let it spill."
"Sure, anything. Just blurt out the gossip."
Sirius' shock was so strong that he almost pulled her hair out. Marlene squealed, but then she laughed. Sirius' eyes wide open, his lips parted in disbelief.
"She... She is carrying little Prongs inside of her?!"
"The baby can be a girl too," she shrugged, watching him, amused "Her period is late. Don't you dare to tell James."
"He's going to be a dad...!"
"Yes, and his wife is the one going to tell him that," she giggled "I know you're jealous. But he and you can't make a child."
"But we can. You and I," he tried to ignore the soreness on his throat and the feeling of hopelessness that made his eyes burn "We can marry and have our children… We can build a family and… Oh, please, don't do this…!" he whined as she fidgeted from his touch, trying to stand. Grabbing her hand, he brought her to him, one hand cupping her wet cheekbone "You know I can give everything for you. I won't stop fighting until this madness comes to an end… Until you see reason and come to me. Be mine…"
"It can last months, years, decades," she smiled sadly, a thumb on his jaw and a heart-wrenching look plastered on her face "He can kill us all."
"We can win…" his voice was barely a mumble and his fingers were clutching tightly on her arms, like she could evaporate in any second, leaving him behind to sink on his loneliness.
"It's all placed in the realm of possibilities," she gave a tiny smile, sniffling "I was happy with you, Sirius. Truly happy."
"You broke my heart when you left me. And I'm begging you to fix it and you don't want to."
"I'm just trying to guarantee that its pieces would not turn into sand… And be lost forever…."
"Then come back to me. Be mine."
"I couldn't stand the feeling of being on Lily's shoes. Or Alice's. Frank can't sleep anymore, you saw the dark circles under his eyes. He's scared that You-Know-Who might harm his pregnant wife… Or his unborn child… I'm not that brave, Sirius. I can't stand it. I would turn mad. I'm getting mad already. I don't want us being mad together."
"You can't see, can you? Doesn't matter if you're with me officially or if you keep your decision to be away from me… If… If something, anything, happens to you I'll suffer equally. My heart still would be vanished, all good feelings will be ripped off from me… Because it's not variable. My feelings are not variable, it's not a question of cause and effect. Being with you or without you doesn't change the fact that my very heart belongs to you."
She whimpered, trying to dodge from him. But Sirius kept her on place, the tears running through his cold flesh. His heart was beating insanely fast, he could die. Her face against the sky punctuated with stars was the most exquisite view he could ever beg for. Even if she was crying and biting her lips to bleed it out. He could still see her love, the same love they admitted to each other four years ago, after he spent two weeks lying on the infirmary due to a concussion caused by a bludger. The same love he thought that vanished from her heart two months ago when she asked him to leave her.
"It's a brave act of yours to care with me and want me to be safe. But dumping me isn't the cleverest way to do it," he tried to smile "If I'm going to suffer… Let me at least think that I have you. If I'm going to be destroyed in the end let me build some good memories now… to make it worth the sacrifice…I'm weak, Marlene… I don't care of us being weak together."
"Are you seducing me, Sirius Black?"
She was overwhelmed by his words. All the angst she was feeling lately seemed to melt on those gray shining eyes beneath her, so sincere. Like they could erase the mess they were stuck in. It felt unreal, it felt magical...
Right after her soft mumble reached his ears, he grabbed her, kissing those oh so loved lips like it would be the last time. He took her like it would be the last time. He wanted to make her his, to make him hers. In a way that not even Voldemort or the entire universe could change. Little does he know that it wasn't necessary. They already were part of each other. They were doomed together.
When she died it was a warm summer night. Her mother made roasted chicken and her brother was playing exploding snap with her father. The Death Eaters broke all the windows, the pieces of glass splayed on the carpet cut her feet. With his wand on his hands, her brother elbowed her on her arm, pointing to the staircase. They wished she - alongside her mum – to hide on the attic. But she won't die that way, hiding. With one hand she held her wand, pointed to the masked man as soon as she saw him. The other hand on her stomach. She thought of Frank Longbottom, his bright smile, the dark circles under his eyes. And Alice, and Lily, and James. After all, she was glad that the test didn't show anything in her womb. He would be devastated by her death, but she was happy that, at least, Voldemort would not destroy something unreal that could mean the most real feeling she ever had.
She was sorry to feel like that… But at least she won't have to mourn him.
When he died he was doing exactly what once she told him not to do. He forgot about the Order or the other Death Eaters. He wanted to hurt her. His loathful cousin. He felt powerful, the adrenaline boiling on his veins. He thought that killing her would be a good way to spill all the hatred inside him, to revenge all that happened to him and to his loved ones. Like killing her would erase everything, allowing them to go back in time. He teased her, he laughed at her. He felt heroic, indestructible.
He romanticized it.
Ya'aburnee (Arabic) – "Both morbid and beautiful at once, this incantatory word means "You bury me," a declaration of one's hope that they'll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them".