The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

You guessed right, I'm not Kevin Smith, though I'd be cool to have his money or contact with Ben Affleck *grin* anyway, nothings mine unless I make up characters, in which case you'll know cos you wont recognise 'em!

A.N: I don't know whether this has been done but seeing as how I have read like two Dogma fanfics you'll have to trust its out of the plot bunnies in my head and I'm not tryna rip off anyone's ideas, after all every fic is different even if its based on the same premise! Anyhoo, I love Ben Affleck and I love Bartleby too, misguided though he was, so after watching Dogma for the millionth time tonight I just couldn't sleep until I'd wrote a Dogma fic, the plot bunnies made me! This is my first Dogma fic so try and be supportive eh chaps? Enjoy!

Key: Stuff in bold is thoughts, italics is flashbacks, dream sequences, or stuff with extra emphasis and stuff in bold italics is telepathic thoughts or God speaking.


Bartleby was in pain. It was an unwelcome and unfamiliar feeling and it made him even more sorry for the humans that he had once pitied so much.

If humans feel pain and Angels don't, does that make me…human? The thought terrified and intrigued him, he had envied the humans and their place in The Creators heart while His Angels were stuck with the dirty work of the universe.

"Yes that's right, you're human, well technically, while you're here you're still like an Angel, you're just a human to be... Not as fitting a punishment as I would've expected but then I'm sure He has plenty more surprises besides this one. " The Voice of God- the Metatron- Bartleby didn't know whether to be relived or worried, he was expecting Lucifer. Perhaps this was worse.

The Metatron walked towards him and it was only now that Bartleby took in his surroundings. A plain marble room, well more a corridor, a path to infinity stretching out on either side with no doors, or features, just flat marble walls leading both ways.

"But…why? I should be-"

"In hell yes I know, my first thought too but apparently His worship has other plans for you. I don't know what they are, before you ask. I'm just the voice not the brains of this operation. You caused an awful lot of trouble Grigori, to unmake existence. That's a pretty big thing to do no matter how bad you want to get home. Can't say it was one of your more rational plans."

"Spare me, you don't think I feel bad enough already?" Bartleby brought his gaze up to meet the Metatrons.

"You'll have to talk to him about that. Guilt is a happy little extra feature to being human isn't it?"

"Sure is. So can we go already? I'd rather not spend the rest of eternity listening to the lectures I don't need."

"We'll see if you're so lippy to the Creator shall we." The Metatron glared then with a blinding flash of white light and they were in a completely white room, no exits nothing, just whiteness as far as the eye could see. The Lord stood before him in all Her perfect glory. Bartleby couldn't even bear look at Her, his eyes were locked onto the floor intently.

Oh Bartleby. She said, with a voice that was like the crashing of waves on a beach and the wind through the trees, but as sweet as all the birds of the earth chorusing together.

Bartleby said nothing, eyes still downcast, filled with so many overpowering emotions at Her mere presence. He had felt so alone, even with Loki, all these years. It was his own private hell as was anyone's who knew the sheer elation of the Creator's presence then to be torn away from it for so long. Total separation from God was hell, and he knew it, he had had first hand experience. That was why he wanted to go home so badly, to be in Her presence again, to feel loved again.

I never gave up on you Bartleby, even at the very end. I always loved you. She said, a half smile on her lips. Bartleby looked up at Her, tears clouding his dark eyes. That was all he had needed to hear through these years.

"I always…felt so alone. So cut off…that's why…I'm so sorry." He managed to stammer, not bothering to wipe away the tears that spilled down his cheeks.

I was always there. I just don't know if you wanted to see it.

Bartleby merely nodded.

"But that is not why you are here." The Metatron cut in, reminding Bartleby of his presence, which for once had been silent.

She nodded and Bartleby showed clear puzzlement on his face.

"Don't think that you get a free admittance back in just like that Grigori. It's certainly not that simple. You did many bad things, and they have consequences, as do all actions. And you must atone for them."

"I knew I couldn't get in that easily. But why aren't I just in hell, surely I did enough to banish me there for eternity."

I do not cast away a child so easily, especially one of my Angels. I never turn away, even if the child does.

"I get another chance?!" Bartleby gasped.

"Hold on a minute fly boy. It's not that simple." The Voice said, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

"So what's the catch?" Bartleby ventured, afraid of the response.

"As I said, you must atone for your sins. We are sending you back to Earth, as a mortal to give you that chance. You must do good deeds."

"Good deeds?"

"Yes, helping people, guiding them, doing what you can to make their existence better, sometimes all it takes is a word. But good deeds you must do. And when you have done enough, you shall be admitted back."

"Back…back!? You mean…"

"Yes, I mean back to heaven. Deary me, does anyone let me get a word in edgeways around here?" Metatron tutted in exasperation.

The Lord smiled at him nonchalantly and then patted his shoulder with a smile before turning back to Bartleby.

We shall send you back to earth, upon your completion of your task, providing you have lived a pure and sin free life while you are there, you shall be readmitted, to live life as you once were. There are no other terms.

"And if I don't lead a good and pure life?" Bartleby winced, wondering why he asked for he already knew the answer.

Both the Lord and Metatron pointed down with finality that left nothing to be asked. Bartleby sighed.

"How many deeds do I have to do?"

"Where would be the fun if we told you? You will find out once you have done them, keeps you on your toes if you don't know what to expect."

"How long do I have for this?"

"A hundred human years, though you are mortal you shall not age a day. You will live a human life as if time is standing still to make you task easier."

"What happens if I'm killed while I'm down there?"

"We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it." Metatron said wryly.

"What happens when I'm down there, how will I know who to help?"

Oh you'll know. You will understand when you're there. The Creator said with a smile.

"And…what about Loki?" Bartleby said, unsure of himself. If he was given a second chance his best friend and confidante must have been. After all he tried to be the voice of reason- for once- in the end.

"You shall not ask of him." The Metatron said sharply, which caught Bartleby off-guard.


"There are no buts, you have a job to do down there. He does not figure in this, part of your punishment is…not to see him again." The Metatrons voice softened with a sideways glance of warning from the Holy being beside him.

"What!? That's not fair, that's-"

"You question the Lord?" The Metatron thundered, then calmed as if nothing had happened. The Voice of the Lord tended to change moods quickly and the effects were quite dramatic.

Perhaps there is time for the two of you later, you never know who you may meet during your time. But to talk with Loki is forbidden, you will understand later. It is for the best if you are separate. She looked at Bartleby with compassion, and stroked his cheek gently with a slender hand.

"Can't I even know what happened to him?" Bartleby tried.

"Enough! The Lord has spoken, now go on get outta here, you've got a job to do. Maybe I'll visit you sometime to check how it's going."

Don't worry Bartleby, I am with you. You will know what to do. Follow your heart, I am always here to listen.

And with the voice of the Creator still echoing in his ears and a flash of white light, Bartleby felt like he was falling, and he landed in the middle of a field, next to a highway.

"Don't I even get some money or anything?" He shouted, to the nothingness indignantly. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a wallet which contained some money. He also pulled out some keys, noticing they were house and car keys on a key ring -with a big mouth as the accessory- and began walking along the road side.

Very damn funny. He frowned, checking himself over. He was wearing his familiar long black coat, jeans and a t-shirt. He had no idea where he was so just decided to start walking until he figured out where his house was, he supposed he'd get a sign or something.

I wonder what the big hoo-ha was about Loki, since when has he been a taboo. He's my best friend for heavens sakes. I've known him forever, we were meant to go together, he was the Angel of Death and I was the Grigori-a watcher- what am I supposed to watch without him. It's like a pair of socks, I never thought one was good without the other. Oh well…God has a plan. He chuckled, remembering Bethany, wondering what had happened to her and the others, he had caused them –and everyone for that matter- a whole lotta trouble.

"But that's what I'm here for right? To make up for the troubles I caused!" He didn't like talking to himself or nothingness, though now he felt much better, with the comfort that She was watching over him, and was with him. That was all the help he needed. Not to be cut off anymore.

Seeing a signpost on the side of the road he found that he was in New Jersey, typical. He could only thank God that it wasn't Wisconsin.

"Cos that would be the icing on the cake wouldn't it?"


More to come soon, thanks for reading this far, sorry if I'm not totally straight on the facts, I have a very bad memory about the minor details in the movies, so im a rookie. I'll try and watch it a few more times before the next chap. Review please, Gimmie details, comments everything. Just don't flame, I have no time for them.