Chapter 1: The Most Terrible Womb Expulsion Anniversary

Narrator: When we last left our hero, he was being taken back to his abusive aunt and uncle's house, even though the magical government could have organised literally any one of HUNDREDS of foster houses for him to live in. We find our young hero at his birthday breakfast…

Vernon: BOY! WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING THAT FUCKING BIRD OF YOURS QUIET?!

Harry: Yes, I'm sure everyone can keep a bird of prey quiet in a locked cage 24/7. Speaking of which, what would you do if I called the RSPCA about that?

Vernon: Oh please, what would a roadside assistance company do about animal abuse?

Harry: That's the RACV, which we probably shouldn't even know about because they're in Australia, not England.

Petunia: Honey, I think you're forgetting something about today.

Harry: My birthday?

Vernon: You still have those? I thought you outgrew those.

Harry: Dudley had his last month, with forty three presents and a lap dance from Victoria Beckham. She's not even married yet. Or famous.

Dudley: Her ass was delicious.

Harry: You just wait. One day I'll have a much more delicious ass.

Vernon: Well, tonight's the night my drill making firm makes its biggest sale ever.

Harry: Three whole drills? You must be thrilled.

Vernon: Okay, that's it. Instead of having you entertain the guests with magic and actually becoming part of the family when we become rich, you'll be locked in your room until they leave.

Harry: Not that I can do magic outside of school anyway.

Dudley: I thought you said you could.

Harry: To you, pig boy, since you're still tainted with…

*Dudley starts crying*

Petunia: I thought I told you not to bring up that hideous hairstyle that dodgy bearded man in a trench coat with an unhealthy interest in you gave him. Go sit outside. You people burn in the sun right?

Harry: That's vampires.

Petunia: No, I meant British people.

Harry: But you're a…you know what? Never mind *goes outside* Man, I never thought I'd say it, but I'm kinda disappointed Ron hasn't been sending me the love letters I assumed he'd be sending. At the very least I'd have thought Hermione might have written. At least she's smart, if in denial about the whole magic thing. But at least I…is that bush staring at me? *sees a pair of eyes in the bush* Okay, which of my stalkers is it this time?

Dudley: Who are you talking to?

Harry: Whoever's in the bush.

Dudley: There's no-one in the bush.

Harry: Yes there *sees the eyes have disappeared* Yeah, that would be right.

Dudley: And since there's no-one here, you must have been using magic. I'm going to tell on you to mummy, and she'll get you expelled from Katmeers.

Harry: Hogwarts.

Dudley: Whatever. MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Petunia: What did you do this time?

Dudley: Harry was…

Petunia: He did WHAT?! That's it, you better have the lawn mowed, the roses trimmed, and the house painted before the Masons get here, so this house looks perfect from the outside.

Harry: Because it sure as hell isn't on the inside.

Petunia: *smacks him with a frying pan* Now get to work *Harry just lies there* Uh oh.

*about twelve hours later*

Harry: *wakes up and sees a funnel in his mouth* What are you doing?

Petunia: Oh good, you're awake. You need to be fed before the Masons arrive *shows Harry a plate of bread and cheese*

Harry: Wouldn't it be easier to just send me to my room with the food so I can eat it there at my leisure, out of sight no matter what?

Petunia: There's no time *rams the food down the narrow tube of the funnel as the doorbell rings* Crapbaskets, that's them. Upstairs, NOW!

Vernon: I'm on it *flings Harry upstairs with one arm*

Harry: *spits out funnel* Okay, it's not like you couldn't have waited three seconds while I walked up here myself *enters his room and sees something in his bed* What the fuck are you?