This popped into my head and there was no way I wasn't going to write it down!
After losing ten chess games in a row to a blindfolded Robin, Chrom needed to come up with a new strategy to win. What strategy did he come up with? Have Henry hex someone's voice to sound like the Exalt's own, then send that person to fill in for him half way through the game.
It's foolproof! Robin knows me too well, so he knows exactly what piece I will move where. But if I have someone else take my place, Robin won't be able to guess correctly! The Exalt smiled inwardly as he prepared to execute his plan.
"Robin, I have to go relieve myself; I'll be right back," he said and left the room. Rather than going to the privies, however, he went to find his substitute and send said substitute in to face Robin.
"Alright Robin, I'm back. Let's finish this," Chrom's substitute said.
"Sir, you can tell Chrom his plan isn't going to work," Robin smirked.
"Oh, please. I can tell by your footsteps that you had someone put a hex on your voice so you could sound like Chrom."
"What do you mean?"
"Your stance, while most certainly masculine, emphasis on 'most certainly', is slightly narrower than the Exalt's, and your steps are somewhat lighter; they are reminiscent of a fencer or an archer. So, let me try to guess who you are,"
"There are no fencers in the army, so you must be an archer. On top of that, Chrom's probably smart enough to know that only one Shepherd has ever beaten me at chess, so he likely bribed him – or should I say you – to face me instead."
"In conclusion, I have deduced that you are Virion! Now, please get Chrom back so we can finish this properly."
"What's wrong, V? Cat got your tongue?"
"Robin, take off your blindfold," Virion grumbled angrily. Robin shrugged and complied. His smug expression quickly turned to one of embarrassment when he saw that his new opponent was not Virion, but Lucina, who was glaring daggers at him.
"Umm… this is awkward…" Robin blushed and chuckled nervously.
"How dare you compare me to a man! Especially one as disgusting and chauvinistic as him!" Lucina growled and drew Falchion,
"H-hey, Lucina, c-can we just calm down for a min– CHROM! HELP MEEEEEEE!" Robin shouted and dashed out of the room, the princess tailing him, sword drawn and ready to seriously wound if not kill him.
"Uh, what's going on?" Chrom said when he stumbled upon the two.
"HE COMPARED ME TO VIRION!" the Princess shouted,
"WHAT?!" the Exalt scowled.
"It was an accident, I swear! I was blindfolded so I couldn't see her… and even you have to admit she kind of walks like a man!"
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Lucina raised her voice as high as she could. Chrom, too, was growing angrier by the minute.
"Robin, I think I need to teach you a lesson about how to treat someone's daughter," the Exalt grumbled and cracked his knuckles.
"I'm sorry, alright? Please don't hurt me!" Robin pleaded.
"No, you're not sorry… not yet…" the Exalt replied malevolently. The tactician, not wanting to get beaten half to death, bolted out as quickly as he could.
Gotta find Tiki… gotta find Tiki… if I can just find Tiki, she can use her God powers to calm them down… Robin thought to himself. Eventually, he found the Divine Dragon and got on his knees before her.
"Tiki! Help me!"
"Umm… hello Robin… how may I be of assistance?"
"I accidentally called Lucina Virion and now she and her father are trying to kill me!"
"You did WHAT?!" Tiki's eyes morphed into those of a serpent and her hand began moving toward her Dragonstone.
"Oh, crap!" Robin shuddered and ran off.
OK, so much for that idea. What else can I do? The tactician was using every ounce of his mental strength to think of a new plan. Fortunately, he didn't have to think too hard for too long, as he stumbled across a certain dark mage who just so happened to be his wife.
"THARJA! HELP! PLEASE!" Robin shouted frantically.
"Robin, what's the matter?" Tharja asked her husband.
"CHROM, LUCINA AND TIKI ARE TRYING TO KILL ME! PLEASE USE A HEX TO CALM THEM DOWN!"
"Why certainly! I love casting hexes," the dark mage chuckled mischievously, "now go to that corner."
"What?! Why?!" Robin moaned,
"I need to use you as bait."
"Umm… yeah… sure…" the tactician complied and got into position.
"There you are! You're all ours now!" Lucina smirked as she, Chrom and Tiki slowly advanced toward him.
Naga, please protect me! I don't want to die! Robin prayed.
Suddenly, Tharja burst into the scene and cast hexes on the three, calming them down and making them forget what Robin had said.
"What? What happened? Why did I get so angry?" Chrom frowned.
"And why are our weapons drawn?" Lucina added.
"I'm going to ask my mother what happened… maybe she might know," Tiki said and left the room. The Exalt and his daughter soon followed.
"Soooooo, what exactly did you do to make them so angry?" Tharja raised a brow,
"I was playing chess blindfolded against Chrom, and in order to beat me he switched himself out with Lucina. Not knowing it was her, I said something I shouldn't have and it made her really angry. When I asked Chrom and Tiki for help, they both took her side," Robin blushed.
"What exactly did you say? Did you call her a man or something? She does walk like one."
"Right on the money."
"Thought so. Her steps are reminiscent of an archer's; almost exactly like Virion's."
"That's what I said!" Robin sighed. In response, Tharja slapped him across the face.
"Ow! What was that for?!"
"Never compare a woman to Virion. That's one of the worst things you can possibly say!"
"But… you just compared her to him!"
"Well, I myself am a woman, so it's OK for me to say such things."
"I hate double standards…"
Short but sweet. Hope you enjoyed it.
Production notes for this fic, as always, are on my blog (the link for which is on my profile page).