A/N: So, I am writing this on June 17, 2017, three days away from 16 months ago that I wrote this silly little prologue on an evening in February of 2016. A prologue that I considered a drabble to steam off a dull and depressing Saturday, which I only later decided to make multi chapter. I started this story with completely different intentions, to present a happy story about one's recovery and some April x Donnie fluff, but only a few chapters in did I realize that there was a much more intense, yet much more necessary message that I needed to demonstrate. Since then, I ironically have recovered from a suicide attempt myself, met some amazing people through this story who will stay in my life forever, and completely transformed as both a writer and a person. And now, this little experiment with a not so little impact on my life has come to an end. I will always cherish our time together, and my heart will always be with Fixing Donnie. Although this journey has reached the end of the road, my new mystery girl squad centric human au Pills and Potions will be launching a prologue shortly.
Happy reading, and with all my spirit I love you all. A very important message about why I intended to write this story will be at the end of this prologue.
Donnie didn't know that it was possible to feel this amount of replete, and completely and absolutely in love with the phenomenon that is being alive, every demon that had haunted him a year ago completely drained from his body. It was as if someone had vacuumed the dark and hallow coldness that had plagued his spirit and replaced it with a bottle of sunshine, warm and full and so very bright. As if that big mind of his had bloomed a garden of nothing but positive thoughts, productive energy motivated by only the desire to be someone great.
The only thing reminding him that he was doing that write was his family beside him, all of them sitting peacefully over the edge under a fresh sunset and remembering that he had managed to keep them alive.
He had once endured so much pain and tortuous agony, the kind that made him embarrassingly foolish to have thought he had known beforehand, but with Raph and Mikey giggling as they teased each other and Leo meditating with Master Splinter and April curled in onto his chest none of that seemed to have mattered.
In fact, it all had only made them stronger.
When Donnie looked at the past few years, he couldn't say that they were completely horrible – he had fallen in love and was fallen in love with, he had fulfilled the last days of his best friend and had realized how much his family meant to him. As well, he had learned how to love himself too. Every inch of him sacred now that it had been touched by her.
April. April O'Neil. The loveliest person that had ever existed in this earth, the most beautiful woman that he could ever possibly imagine. His queen, his heart, the love of his life. Donnie could never imagine not knowing April, for it was one of the purest things he's ever known. He will always cherish the first time he lay eyes on her, all the times they had hung out in the lair or in his lab or at her apartment, all the times he had helped her with her school work or they binge watched paranormal television shows together. The first time she had kissed him, showing him that al his dark thoughts had the chance of turning around.
The time that they had made love, telling him that after three years, she had finally loved him back.
It had been a month ago when April and Donnie had been intimate, actual intimacy. For Donnie, it was the absolute best moment of his life. After spending a lifetime of feeling so worthless and unappreciated and like he was a disgusting freak who can never feel love, he finally felt something filling the empty hole in his heart. Her kisses and warmth and affection assured him that he wasn't as bad as he thought he was, and in fact that he would worship the luxury of being alive. He had a chance in this world, and things were going to get better.
In the morning, after he had spent such a special night with the girl he was madly in love with, after he had given her his body and his trust and passion, she had been sleeping peacefully, natural and nude on his chest when they awoke together the following morning.
"Good morning, Donatello. I am in love with you as much as the sky loves the stars, as the sun loves the clouds, as the grass loves the soil. I will crave the day that every morning will be this way, waking up naked in your arms."
And they had never brought it up again. Words were not necessary, only movement and trust and passion in everything that they could do. Just like it was completely an aspect of every moment in history. Frankly, a blessing that lovely had made Donatello's messed up mind completely bloom into a garden of delight.
Donnie stared blankly at the scars that showered his arms, each of them recalling a different memory. They were small and faded, but still proof that he was a survivor and that nothing would ever overcome him.
Things were different now. He crawled out of the lab every afternoon once he finished working on his latest invention, hearing the voices of his brothers destroying each other in a video game. Splinter would come out to watch, and Donnie had to step in and show them who was boss. None of them would ever be the same, but things were different. Mikey had gone back to creating absurd nicknames and making pancakes every morning, always with a smile on his face. Raph went back to his sarcastic ways, and an undesired quantity of knuckle sandwiches that Donnie cherished nonetheless. Leo went back to leading the team in patrol, being a hell of a son of a bitch during training and maybe even returned to writing Space Heroes fanfiction. Splinter was back to being a Sensei and playful diatribes and Donnie, well, Donnie was the Donnie that he always meant to be.
He couldn't help but chuckle gleefully at the way things are, realizing that even after going through hell and back things always managed to turn out okay. Of course, things would never be the same without Casey annoying them all on patrol or Leo showing off at patrol because he knew Karai was watching, but he knew that they were with him, and that they wanted everything to be alright. For a little family, his family seemed to continuously be trapped in a cycle of bullshit, but after this bullshit they had grown closer than ever before. They combined their unique skills and traits to only be the most productive team possible, because Donnie understands that everyone has something to offer to this world. He understood that no harm in this world could ever taint their love, that between he and his brothers, he and his father, he and his girlfriend. He decided that this world would never be perfect and neither would he, but perfect doesn't exactly fit in around here. He was incredible in his own unique ways, the ways that made him Donatello Hamato, one of the pieces that kept everything from fitting into a world that could be perfect in his eyes. After a lifetime of selfish choices, he finally learned that loving himself had made him the best him that he could ever be, and that it is never too late to keep changing this world for the better.
So now here he is, staring at the sunset sky, not caring or fearing about a single thing that exists in this world. For Donatello, everything was safe, all of his thoughts or feelings or hopes ignited by a new flame that burned deep inside of his soul, safe from any rain that could capture it.
He kept his face to his family fondly, thinking of how proud he was of all of them and how far they've come and how much he loves them with all of his heart. He would always be extra nice to them, for you never know which day is the last and you should always spend every chance to show those around how much you love them. Every day, he made sure to teach Mikey how to perform a few experiments, kissing his little brother on the head and telling him how he deserved the entire world and more. He made sure to pummel Raph with hugs, even if Raph pushed him off in confusion. He had treated Leo and Sensei to neck massages and breakfast in bed, telling them how they work so hard and deserve a little time for themselves.
For Donnie, this was his way of thanking the family that he loved. He knew that they felt this way about him as well, and that they were all eager to show compassion in this life, and they would always know that they will never leave without showing them appreciation. They realized exactly what true intentions were after learned what it really means to be alive.
Yet there was one person in particular that he lived every day for, who remained as the core of all of his affections and delight. Someone who Donnie had so many things to tell, so much things left that needed to be said.
So there he was, smiling fondly at the strawberry hair that he adored so dearly, with April O'Neil in his lap.
"You okay Donnie? You look a little deep in thought there, love."
Donnie had to pause for a moment, seeping her sweet voice into his mind.
"I love you, April."
April paused for a moment, taking the second to reach up and cup his cheek. The bright energy was burning in her mind, and she knew that she could not possibly be happier.
"I love you too," she started to feel a light relaxation in her mind, growing overwhelmingly infatuated with his honey brown eyes.
"You're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I love you, and I wish you to give you everything you deserve, all of the best of me. I love you, I promise I will always love you right and everything will be okay," he began, trying to conceal the shudder in his voice.
"There isn't anything better out there, nothing possibly better than the heaven I'm in when I lay in your beautiful arms," she replies.
"We managed to make things better, April. We took all of our pain and kicked it in the ass, we survived and now we can embrace our happiness together. Casey would be so proud of us, and we can spend the rest of eternity in love with each other," Donnie says, the cloud of feeling in his voice sending chills to the young girl's bones.
"That was always my greatest dream, darling. I love you more than one thousand suns. We all do and we need you, you're worth way more this entire universe and more. God knows that you mean everything to me, everything I have ever done for you came out of my heart, out of my greatest affection. I will always love you, Donatello!" April's voice is starting to crack now, her heart beat bouncing in her petite chest.
"I can control it now, April. I can take control of this life and I can feel everything as only the gifts of my fate, and I know you will all be okay," he says.
"I am so proud of you, Donnie. You will always be my pride and joy. You managed to turn this around," she says.
"I love you April. I'll live to express that, how much you mean to me. Thank you, for everything," he whispers, knowing if he says too much they will start to get nostalgic and he wouldn't want to ruin his family's carefree day.
He only held her and smelled her wonderful hair, the curves of her body freeing him from all of the demons that once invested the blood in his veins.
"Only the strongest can handle the blessed curse of a humongous mind, one that has the ability to tear them apart," he says, wiping a small tear off of the surface of his skin. "That counts me in, right?"
It didn't surprise Donatello they had all ended up staring at the fresh nightfall in silence, gazing in fascination at the beauty which painted the colors of this world and the beauty of the colors in each other. It was quite captivating to see the tranquility after the way that things turned out, seeing the physical reality of all the life that they were blessed with.
As the darkness began seeping in, he only crossed his arms over his chest, watching how softly her chest rose under his arms. Most assuredly, he felt that he was doing something right.
He had made everyone get better. He had made himself feel better, by stopping the hurt that plagued the life within him
He had made everything better. Finally, everything had turned out okay.
Which had all started with the journey that was fixing Donnie.
And, that wraps it up. If you didn't notice, epilogue directly mirrors prologue in the comparison of the way that things turned out for Donnie.
My intentions to write this story were to show what happens to those around you after a suicide attempt, and how much you would really matter to the lives around you. (Now, this was over a year before 13 Reasons Why took on this idea). This story actually had a lot of aspects based on my personal life, and what would happen to your loved ones if you were gone. Recovery is always worth it, and there are always even more than 100 reasons to love being alive. Never be afraid to battle your demons and to always leave things how you feel they would be right. There is always someone who loves you, even if it doesn't always seem that way. That being said, never forget to go out of your way to show your loved ones how much they mean to you. Always be keen to recognize signs of depression, and take the steps needed to helpfully guide them to recovery. If you start to recognize symptoms of depression in yourself, please do not be ashamed to ask for help. There will always be someone there for you. If you are a victim of violence or sexual assault, do not be afraid to reach out for help, as justice must be served against your abuser. No matter what happens or what you do, there will always be someone who loves you.
Please, do not take your life. Life is a precious gift and truly understanding this message is always worth the fight. Keep fighting on, because you never know what could be out there waiting for you. Everyone here has something to offer, to this world that we share.
Thank you all, for riding on this journey with me. I love you all.