Intro: Sorting through all the mundane drama of everyday life takes a lot of work, and it's a lot more stressful with your life in danger. Danzo, Orochimaru, Madara. Somehow, Hana's got to figure her way out of the end of the world, and make sure her loved ones make it through with her. SI, Inuzuka style.

AN: Self-insert/oc stories are a guilty pleasure, I thought I'd give it a try with an old favorite series of mine. Let's see how far this goes!

Disclaimers of disclaimers: I own nothing but the characters I make and the storyline of PH

Edited Jul/27/2017 Beta'd by FreelanceBum !

Word count: 3,240


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Chapter 1: Coffee


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As far as pregnancy went, Tsume Inuzuka had come to the decision that she'd had enough.

Swollen ankles, mood swings, and cravings aside; the miracle of birth was supposed to be just that: a miracle. A grand and fantastic experience anyone with a uterus was forced to look forward to. Parents were granted a perfect mini-me for any adult to project their broken dreams on, and kids were forced to accept whatever life they were born into for the next eighteen years.

At some level, Tsume knew what she was getting herself into. She hadn't ever seen herself as the mothering type, but when she eventually she was pregnant…. Well, a little more company sounded nice. Her parents had passed away a couple years ago, her siblings too, she had thought that maybe… maybe she wouldn't have to be alone after all. Maybe having a kid wouldn't be so bad...?

Surely someone could've warned her ahead of time that she'd be running to the bathroom every ten minutes, or bursting into tears whenever someone mentioned puppies. Her life had basically
turned into a prison lockdown series, and she had lost all the humor in ordering people around to do her bidding around the second trimester. Now, nothing fit, she hadn't seen her toes in what felt like decades, and the man she was supposed to be intimate with was being baby-blocked by a mass in her stomach that seemed to find vicious pleasure in kicking her bladder. It was safe to say, she hadn't gotten anything more than a kiss on the cheek, and the only male touch she had gotten in the past four weeks had been from her ninken Kuromaru and that... that wasn't even close to what she was talking about.

She wasn't afraid of giving birth, in fact, she looked forward to the event with bated breath. Things were going to tear, and labor would probably take hours, but really, pushing a watermelon out into the world was the least of her concern. Tsume was absolutely confident in her ability to give birth to a little brat; and some part of her really did want to make her parents proud and clan happy and all that. She wanted a child, very much so…

But God, people were constantly trying to coddle her. Everyone within a five mile radius was on their toes in case she fell, pulled a nerve, or, God forbid, broke a nail. She had been a Chunin before she had conceived, capable of tearing enemies limb from limb, but now she was a delicate paper flower in need of constant reassurance in case she crumble under the pressure of motherhood. She felt pathetic. She felt like she had lost all privacy to her body, and that anyone and their grandmother could get up in her business and ask what was going on with her internal organs.

"Oh—are you forty-one weeks along or forty-two?"

...Did it really freaking matter?

"Were you queasy at first or was that just me?"

That… was her personal business? She didn't want to talk to strangers about her vulnerabilities. She was supposed to be a soldier, not some sickly civilian who couldn't handle herself.

"Can I touch your stomach—"

"Have you heard of cankles—"

"You're just being hormonal—"

"I read an article this one time and my cousin's half-sister once said—"

Tsume was so done.

She was so goddamn tired of being pregnant.

Tsume was a Shinobi, born and bred, just like her ninken, just like her clan. She was fiercely proud of her heritage, and the fact that their techniques had made her a strong enough to rival their current clan head. She was on her way to being recognized as the leader of said clan and being treated like a plush doll instead of the force of nature she rightfully was set a fire in her chest that couldn't be put out by a couple sweet words and a baby shower.

For nine months, nine, she put up with, it. Sure, Tsume threatened the odd person with Kuromaru a couple times, but otherwise, she put up with all the coddling and babytalk. In fact, she was a goddamn delightthe perfect image of motherhood. People were enlightened by her presence and wept when she walked through the door. She pulled off the 'glowing mother' role with ease.

So...why was it so hard for the brat inside her to just get born? Nine months of bullshit was supposed to be over once her due date arrived. And... Went by… until it was a good two weeks later, and she felt zero contractions or pain. People told her that 'mothers just know' when they were about to get birth, and regardless of whether or not Tsume fit that role, she was already a goddamn mother, and she had absolutely no idea when it was going to be time.

Maybe Tsume should've opted to get for a midwife to make things easier on herself, maybe she should've eaten spicier food to induce labor (since that was apparently a thing), maybe she shouldn't have ignored that chainmail she got during her academy days. Anything could've been the reason she missed her due date, but Tsume was just….. So tired.

Being pregnant was hard, and Tsume had decided that she was done. Today was the day her child would get born—there would be no more waiting.

Her ninken picked up on her feelings rather quickly. "Mah, Tsume, you've got that look in your eye again... What are going to do?"

"As God as my witness—" she ground out, propping herself up off her seat. "—grab me my slippers, Kuromaru, we're going to the hospital."

"Really?" he said, looking between his warm spot by the fire and the door. "Are you sure you should push this one? I mean, there's more at stake here than your figure."

"Kuromaru, as long as you've known me when have I given a damn about my figure?" Tsume shot the dog a glare, pulling on a heavy coat.

Kuromaru gave her an empty stare, not even bothering to give her an answer.

"Don't give me that. I've been suffering for nine months. Nine, Kuromaru! Would you like to lug a child for that long? No? I didn't think so." She crossed her arms over her chest, frowning off to the side. When the silence stretched on between them, and Kuromaru's piercing gaze stayed fixed on her, her resolve crumbled. "...I miss having coffee. I'm not allowed any and I miss having it in the morning."

Her ninken snorted, dragging himself over to grab her some fuzz outdoor slippers. "Should I wake up your mate while I'm at it?"

Tsume wrinkled her nose. "Leave him—let's just get this over with."

"You're sure?" Kuromaru asked, dropping her shoes by her feet. "I thought most humans liked having their partners present for the birth of their children."

"Yeah, well, consider me an outlier," she muttered, padding her way across the house. "He'll just try to change my mind anyway. I'm having this baby now, and I'm not willing to let anyone slow me down."

"I thought as much." Kuromaru sighed, holding the door open for her. The cool spring air left goosebumps on his master's legs, and he briefly wondered if he should risk heckling her for a pair of pants, rather than those awful boy shorts she seemed to favor.

("They're the comfiest thing I have," Tusme explained to him several months back when her baby bump wasn't as extreme, and she was only just realizing with dawning horror that her waistline was going to make every pair of pants she had obsolete.

"That doesn't change the fact that they leave your legs exposed. You can't go running around at night when the temperature drops. You need to take better care of yourself."

"Kuromaru, come on, when don't I?" Tsume scoffed. A second later, she shot him a look. "Actually, don't answer that.")

"We should at least tell someone where you're going," Kuromaru muttered as they made their way down the steps of the house, into the clan grounds where the streetlights were yet to turn on.

The sun had just started to dip behind the horizon, and while they had no doubts that there was any danger, the ninken worried someone would alert the village guards and they'd send out a search team. Tsume was a high profile member of Konoha—kidnapping was a possibility, especially when Tsume wasn't able to fight back. So many things could go wrong. Tsume didn't seem bothered about it, despite his prodding.

When she started to ignore his questions, Kuromaru sighed and tried to reason with her, one last time. "Just tell one person? Grab a coat rack, a cane—I'm not asking for a miracle here Tsume. I don't have thumbs, I can't pick you up if you fall over."

"I don't need an escort," Tsume answered, shuffling her way down the street. She put one hand on her stomach and another on her hip to lessen the weight on her back. God, pregnancy sucked.

Kuromaru shook his head and tried to keep up."Think about it—what if something goes wrong?"

She frowned. "I can handle it."

"I know you can, but—"

She shot Kuromaru a glare just as the two of them sensed somebody's chakra presence approaching.

"You jinxed it," she muttered, narrowing her eyes at the dog.

"Tsume-sama!" a voice cried out behind them.

"Oh god, ignore him." She picked up her pace again and tried her best to speed walk her way to freedom. "Put up a genjutsu, flash-step me to the hospital—fuck, I don't know, just help me get away."

"Isn't that supposed to be your cousin? Good, I won't have to get a stranger to carry you." Kuromaru wagged his tail, turning towards the source of approaching chakra. "Why are you running from him?"

"He's an annoyance." Tsume wrinkled her nose. "He lost his ninken five years ago and since then has been nothing but a wet blanket. And he keeps trying to talk to me about baby stuff! He's one of the worst ones, I can't seem to shake him—"

"Tsume-sama!" A young, disheveled teenager landed in front of the two of them, stumbling when he tried to stand up straight. "What are you doing out here tonight? Are you okay? Is it the baby? Is something wrong?"

"Fine, Hasuki-san, thank you for asking," she muttered, pushing past her annoyingly attentive cousin. The twenty questions were nothing new, Hasuki Inuzuka had been a pain in her side for far too long. Tsume sighed. She was a high ranking member of their clan; just because Hasuki was technically a relative of hers, didn't mean he could follow her around like a lost puppy.

She sent her ninken a glare to keep him quiet. Hopefully, he wouldn't say something and she could just tell the kid to go away?

"We were just going to the hospital, good timing," Kuromaru said, making sure he strayed far enough from Tsume's reach. The traitorous mutt cocked his head to the side, shooting the young man a toothy grin. "Would you like to join us?"

"Like to join you….? Oh!" He slapped both hands over his mouth and quickly whipped his head towards Tsume. "Is it time? Your husband—where is he? Is everything alright? Do you want me to get him for you? I could, won't take long—"

"Just get me to the hospital," Tsume muttered, grabbing hold of his shirt before he could get away. "And try to keep it down, please? I want to get there with the least amount of screaming as possible."

"Oh, right. Of course, Tsume-sama," said Hasuki, hastily running to her side and offering his arm once she let go of his collar."Your husband though…."

"It's fine." She grunted, leaning on him for support. She ignored the sound of him struggling under her weight and kept walking. Screw him, it wasn't easy to carry a kid, the least he could do was act like helping her wasn't that much trouble.

"I—I can't just be the only one there when you go in, I mean, while it's a great honor I don't think it would be right. I mean, we are family, but I didn't think we were so close—I mean I'm honored! Whatever you think is right Tsume-sama! I'm sure you know what you're doing, I mean, it's not like you just got up and decided on a whim to go to the hospital, these things don't happen on a schedule, of course."

Hasuki took a breath and a moment to gather his thoughts, and Kuromaru used the silence as an opportunity to stare at Tsume will all the ire a giant wolf-dog could muster. Of course she wasn't going to the hospital on a whim. That would be crazy.

Opening his mouth again, Hasuki tried to continue. "It really is a great honor to accompany you, Tsume-sama, but—"

"I don't need someone to hold my damn hand, kid." She sighed, eyes fixed on the road ahead of them. "I just need quiet, you do that? I can, Kuromaru can."

"Isn't this fun?" The dog said ahead of them. "We're going to have a puppy."

"Kuromaru should," she spat as another wave of hysteria came off of the Inuzuka at her side.

He clutched his chest. "I can't believe this is happening—your firstborn! How can I replace your husband, oh my god am I going to be an uncle? A second uncle? A great cousin once removed? This is too much responsibility, oh no."

Some people really weren't meant to handle childbirth, Tsume's thought as they finally, finally made it to the hospital. The white glowing building was like a beacon for her, pulling her in. Each step she took, she did so with the hopes that she might finally escape the grip of her clansman and wear normal clothes soon. She could almost imagine what her legs look like when she could match her footwear with her legwear; no more crocs! And her toes! Man, she missed seeing her toes. If pregnancy had given her one thing, it was a better appreciation for her feet. They had suffered for so long.

As they walked inside the hospital, a couple nurses rushed forward and asked if she was alright.

It could've been the giant wolf behind her, or the way Tsume's eyes seemed to flash a dangerous color when being asked about her health or where he husband might have been, or the white-knuckled grip she had on Hasukī. It might've been a collection of all three actually, but in the end, Tsume got her room and was signed in relatively quickly, which was all she really wanted in the first place. No stalling or complaining, just simple obedience.

Ugh, why couldn't the people close to her be that way?

The room she was given was nice—clean sheets, no neighbors. A window overlooking a collection of ugly trees next door. Tsume had rejected a wheelchair and had been more than happy just to have the room in the first place than to also get one of those new fancy machines in her room. A heartrate monitor? Technology in the Hidden Leaf was pretty rare. Tsume sure as hell didn't expect to be hooked up to a computer before giving birth.

Hey, wait, if she held her breath, the little beeps the machine made slowed down. Technology was amazing. What would happen if she stopped breathing altogether?

Her doctor eventually walked through the door. "Ah, Inuzuka Tsume, correct?" She hummed, looking up from a chart and extending a hand. "My name is Doctor Maik–" she jerked back, locking eyes with Kuromaru. "Is that a wolf in your hospital room?"

"Yes," Tsume, Hasuki, and Kuromaru said at once. Kuromaru narrowed his eyes at the doctor. "Is that a problem?"

It was pretty obvious she was a civilian—or had just never heard of ninken and lived under a rock. It was Konoha, people had to know about the Inuzuka clan. What was this lady's problem? Screw it, Tsume wasn't getting a new doctor or new company.

The doctor, looking worse for wear, gave Tsume a weak smile. "I'm sorry, but pets aren't allowed in the hospital."

Kuromaru lowered his head, jerking his head towards Hasuki. "You let him in, despite driving the nurses away with his annoying questions."

Hasuki made an offended squawk. "I did not! That one nurse said he needed to get some things in a closet. That's not being driven away, right? Tsume-sama, am I annoying?"

Tsume chose to ignore him.

"Family is allowed to wait outside, pets are advised...t-to stay at home," the doctor said to Tsume. She swallowed, nervously glancing at Kuromaru out of the corner of her eye.

He growled at her. "I am not a pet."

Tsume waved a hand at the doctor. "Can we just forget about the wolf in the corner of the room and move on? I mean, you're not here for Kuromaru, right?"

"I agree, but—" The doctor glanced at the Kuromaru again. "—there are... certain... health hazards of having an animal inside the hospital..."

Kuromaru was on his feet, hackles raised. "How dare you insult me like this—I am a soldier!"

"Oh for god's sakes—just let him stay in the waiting room," Tsume groaned, deciding to blast the room with killing intent just to keep everyone quiet. The poor doctor reeled back in shock, but at least it made Kuromaru sit back down. As an added bonus, Hasukī shut his mouth too, and for a few brief seconds, nobody was asking how Tsume was or fretting over her.

Everyone was finally silent and taking her seriously, and it was then and only then that Tsume felt her water break.

"Tsume-sama, are you okay?"

Then the room erupted into conversation again, and everyone was telling each other what to do. Kuromaru had his teeth bared, the doctor was holding her clipboard out, insulting him (like a single piece of wood between them could keep her safe) and Hasuki was by Tsume's side holding her hand and shedding tears like she was already six hours into labor and about to die like some tragic stereotype.

Forget killing intent, there was absolutely no way for Tsume to make them shut up. She sighed and let her head fall back to her pillow. Maybe her child wouldn't be as high maintenance? Tsume could only hope so.

Twelve hours, two sedatives, a distraught and slightly offended fiance later, Tsume gave birth to her first child, a daughter.

April 13th, 5:36 am, Hana Inuzuka was born.