Sometimes...I just want to be another person. One that has friends. One that gets invited places. One that has to charge their phone several times a day. I just don't want my body. I don't want the thoughts that accompany it, and I definitely don't want the feelings.
I want a body that's happy. I want a body that's not depressed.
I want to know what it's like to actually see things from another person's point of view. I want to see the world the way they do. I want to breathe the air the way they do. I want to smile the way they do. I want to smell the things they smell and feel the things they feel.
I'm tired of seeing the world from my side of things. I'm tired of breathing the air I do. I'm tired of smiling the fake smiles that appear on my face so I can get through the day without anyone asking me what's wrong. I'm tired of smelling the things I do, and I'm tired of feelings things the way I do.
I'm tired of not being able to talk about what I feel. My mother would just start crying, because no mother ever wants to hear the words, "Mom, I want to die." I can't tell my friend, because he interrupts me every time I try to talk. I can't tell my boyfriend, because I don't have one.
I crave a physical touch. A hug, a kiss. I get one of each every day, but it feels like a penny compared to the millions I had before. I want someone to look me in the eyes and see past all the smiles and laughs that mean nothing. I wish they would just dig deep enough to realize that I'm in pain. I want to be able to confide in someone and know that they'll keep my secrets safe.
I want to cry on someone's shoulder. I want someone to pick my pieces up for me, because I'm tired of doing it myself. I'm tired of people thinking that my heart is like a vending machine, where they get what they want and then walk away.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to throw a brick at a wall, and then smash it down! I want my efforts to go recognized! I want someone, anyone, to realize that I'm a human being, with emotions and tears and sorrows, just like everyone else! I want someone to notice that I'm doing the best I can to win this race, but I'm failing because nobody is there to cheer me on!
I want someone to answer when I say hello.
I want someone to answer when I say goodbye.
I want someone to care about me.
...Is that really so much to ask?
Okay, so again, I was in a bad place, for those of you who read Let Me Help You. I'm doing better. Thanks. Hope you like, and special thanks goes to Rippingbutterflywings for beta'ing. Super appreciate it!
-Jace loves me