"I love you." As soon as Clarke said it, she knew that she had never meant those three little yet so powerful words more than she did now saying them to Lexa. Yes, she had said this words to Finn as he was about to die but it was more for his sake than anything else because real love she didn't experience with him. What they had was a puppy love.
When they met, she didn't like him very much but his confidence and his send of justice, his boyish charms and they way he defended her and her ideas was what ended up winning her over. At this point in her life, Clarke can very clearly identify what she felt with him. A crush. After all, they were only teenagers, both still unburdened by the deaths they had yet to cause.
She would feel a little silly around him or when she saw him. He was very charming in his own way as he defended the others from Bellamy and Murphy and their goons or as they tracked and he would take the lead. She was enamored by him so when they were stuck in that bunker and they kissed and slept together, it was fun and it was a nice break from all the craziness they were facing in this post apocalyptic world that Earth turned out to be. So when Raven arrived and she found out that he had a girlfriend that he cheated on with her, she was hurt of course.
But it wasn't this huge pain in her chest. It was more like we could have seen where this would go but now we can't and I'm guilty about it even though I had no idea you had a girlfriend to begin with. With Finn, Clarke had to admit, it had been 80% of just sex and 20% of feelings involve in what happened between them.
Two horny teenagers laying off some steam as they got away from the people trying to kill them, the attraction had been there, their adrenaline was on high and what better way to deal with that than having sex with someone passively cute?
But with Lexa, it was completely and absolutely different. When they met, the moment their eyes met, where sky met the earth, they had been at odds yet they couldn't help but feel a connection pulling them towards each other, they found each other intriguing and fascinating yet a little terrifying.
It was this soul deep connection that they couldn't understand much less explain. It was this connection that allowed them to see and really understand each other in a way no one had been able to do it before. Clarke knew that no one could get her the way Lexa had, it was like she knew and understood Clarke's feeling before Clarke herself could know or understand them and she knows that she was able to see what laid behind the walls Lexa put up to protect herself from the pain.
If Clarke had to guess when her feelings for the Commander started to change or even she begun to understand them better as they started taking a clearer form was at the Pauna situation, when they had escaped and made their way to a little clearing where they decided it was far enough away from the place the beast was currently being held inside, Lexa quickly announced the she would take first watch when it reality was the only watch.
That night had been the first time that the ghosts had not haunted her in her sleep and when she woke startled by the sound of the Pauna's roar and Lexa had told her she was okay and safe, at that moment despite everything else, Clarke believed in her. Then everything happened so fast, the bombing of TonDC, the planning for war, Bellamy's signal and of course, the kiss.
When their lips touched, Clarke was a little surprised but as Lexa pulled away a little to give her space to choose what she would do next, there was only one thing in her mind, the want, the need to feel the other girl's lips on hers again, so she kissed her back and in the middle of all of that, Clarke's feelings seemed to finally begin to make sense.
Her first kiss with Finn had been rushed, hungry while her first kiss with Lexa was gentle and calm but as she thought of that, she remembered that it had only been a few days since he had died so she pulled back. He had lost control because of his love for her and his worry that the Grounders had taken her or worse killed her. And here she was, feeling so much more for someone that was indirectly involved in his death than she ever felt for him.
The guilt made her retreat and tell Lexa that she wasn't ready to be with anyone, even because a war was coming and they had other things to focus on. But as soon as she said those words, she could see that the girl had taken that as a rejection and was beginning to retreat and put up the walls again and Clarke didn't want that even because she was not rejecting her, she would never, not after what just happened which is why she added the not yet.
It was to let Lexa know that all she was asking for was a little bit of time to get over the war, to have the time to grieve for the boy she had killed and to heal her wounds and when that happened, she would like for them to try to be together and see what it would turn out to be like. Lexa understood all of that.
Then unfortunately, Mount Weather happened and she was angry more at herself than at Lexa but she had been right in saying that Clarke had a hard time blaming herself so she projected that anger at her because that's exactly what she did. She could never hate Lexa, especially when a part of her could understand why the Commander took the deal but another part couldn't and she struggled to know which side to listen to.
Clearly, she listened to the part that blamed Lexa and she regretted that every second of every day since Lexa died. Because if she had not listened to that part, she wouldn't have wasted so much time being angry and would have taken advantaged of that time to be with her as much as she could instead of dodging everything that could relate to her feelings for the brunette, always masking it behind the ' I did it for my people.' speech. She should have stopped Lexa from leaving her room that night, they could have had some many more moments together, that were not rushed by the brink of a war.
But even with that, Clarke could never complain. Being with Lexa had been perfect. When she was younger, she would watch movies and hear people talking about making love and she couldn't understand the difference.
She always thought sex was just sex, she most certainly didn't know that it could be so much more but with Lexa, during that hour they had to themselves, she learned it. She learned that a touch could be so soft and gentle at the same time it could be electric and powerful. With each touch, Clarke was sure Lexa was engraving a part of her in Clarke's body, she could feel her everywhere, in each and every single cell of her body Lexa was there, permanently.
It was the most beautiful experience of her life and as they had gotten dressed, she wanted to believe they would have their someday, that Clarke would not have to leave, that they could stay all day in bed learning everything about each other's bodies. But that dream had been killed along with Lexa.
Clarke could not believe the amount of pain she felt. If she had thought Finn's death had broken her, Lexa's death had destroyed her but of course, she could not let herself feel any of it because there was another problem that she had to save everyone from as usual. But the thing is at least with Finn, she could understand why he died. He had murdered 18 innocent people and he grounders saw fit that he paid for it with his own life, he had done that to himself.
Lexa had no reason to die, it was senseless and pointless. She didn't deserve to die because she decided to give the Skaikru another chance. She should have lived to see Pike fall, to help them destroy A.L.I.E in flesh not through the Flame, she should have been alive to help people settle back, to see that the Coalition she worked so hard for not crumble, to have a chance to achieve the peace she desired so much and for them to have a chance to be happy for once. But she wasn't alive for any of that. She was dead.
Her father had once explained to her the concept of what a soulmate was but she had never believed it. The idea that somewhere in the world there was someone that you could feel a connection so deep, that they could understand you better than you understand yourself, a connection that cannot be explained with words but only felt with the heart.
A meeting of mind, heart, body and soul with another person as you stop being two separate souls and become one as it was apparently always meant to be, she never believed any of that to be true. Not before she experienced by herself what is like to feel all of that, because what Clarke knows for sure now is that if soul mates are a real thing, than she is 100% sure that Lexa is hers.
Which is why A.L.I.E's offer to stay in the City of Light where she would be able to be with Lexa forever was extremely tempting but Clarke also knew that if she did that, if she took this deal, she would be dishonoring everything Lexa stood for and she would not be the person the former Commander had believed her to be and had fallen in love with so she told A.L.I.E that you don't erase pain, you overcome it, she knew she had made the right choice and as she pulled the lever down she expected to return to the throne room but that didn't happen.
Instead her vision blurred into nothingness and silence for a while before her vision started to clear a little and she started to recognize sounds around her. When her vision cleared completely, she froze in place as she recognized exactly where she was. The door of Mount Weather right before the battle started.
She could not understand what was happening right now. What was she doing back here? She already lived this, she should be in Polis, checking if everyone had made it out of the City of Light. She was extremely confused until Becca appeared in front of her, smiling at her. She was certain she was going crazy. That had to be it.
"Sorry to disappoint you but you are not crazy, Clarke. When you destroyed A.L.I.E despite her offer, you finally righted my wrong and for that I could not be thankful enough. The weight of knowing that the world had been destroyed thanks to my creation was extremely painful and I had wanted to destroy her ever since but I had to protect the Flame from her crunches so I let her be but you had the strength to end that nightmare and for that I decided to reward you with a gift. This is my gift to you Clarke. A chance to do over, do better where you can, follow through with what you cannot change, learn from your mistakes and the chance to be with the one you love. Your mind has chosen this time for you start the new journey so all I have to say is that I believe in you. I believe that together you and Lexa can accomplished more things than anyone could ever dream of. You make her a better leader and she does the same to you so given you both the chance to do it together, okay? Well that is all I have to say for now, I'm sure we will meet again someday, Clarke of the Sky People. Good luck on your journey. May we meet again." She said as she finally disappeared and left Clarke to her own thoughts before she was interrupted by a voice she never thought she would hear again.
" What will you do when this is over?"