Lost and Found
Chapter 16: Talks with Sirius
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't need to go to McDonald's to use the wifi to upload this chapter for you guys. But since that's what I'm doing it can be assumed that I don't own it but I must love you, my dear readers, very much.
Warning: The rating is very T+ in this chapter. It's not a lemon but there is some um... Petting. Also Canan is being angsty. And Merlin's beard is that Sirius being a dad I spy?
A week had passed since Albus had been found guilty of all charges brought against him. Though it came as a shock, if there was one thing the wizzarding world always did though, it was bounce back. That's what they had done after Grindelwald, after the numerous witch hunts, and after the first war. But like so many news stories, the damage was repaired and a new story took its place. In this case it happened to be Delores Umbridge having an affair with a house elf. It was quite the scandal with all her discrimination against those of non human decent. So the sensation quickly replaced that of Dumbledore with attempts of a coverup. Explanations, excuses and denial were all over the paper and airwaves, along with speculation.
Severus was sick of it though. He was sick of a great deal of things. In fact, such aggravation happened about twice a year, and he was irritable, snippy, his magic was acting of its own accord, and had the propensity to lash out at his jars of pickled specimens, which only aggravated him further. Though he usually seemed like he was scathing in class, hell hath no fury like Snape did in early September and late April. Not that he had noticed his fits of melancholy were worst during these particular months. It was far off from anyone to observe this. But when a first year Gryffindor walked into Sirius's office in tears because professor Snape had lost his temper in class, Sirius thought it would be the perfect time to investigate just what had his lover in such a foul mood. There was, after all, no longer anything to worry about with Dumbledore gone. Yet his boyfriend seemed to be more tense than ever. The accidental magic only proved that.
So during his free period, he went down to the dungeons to see his lover. He seemed to have a few free moments when he peeked in, so he knocked on the door. "Severus can we talk?" He asks, seeing him slurping down some muggle cup noodles. "About what? I don't have much time." He says, picking up another forkful of noodles. "Sev, its prep hour." Sirius reasons, taking a seat on Severus' desk. "For you maybe. But I don't have one. Dumbledore never gave me one, which Minerva will be changing next term." He says, swallowing the noodles. "Well that's bull shit. But um, about why I came down here. What happened with Percy Weasley in class today? He was just in my office in tears." He asks. Severus groans at the mention of him, another jar on the shelf shattering.
After swearing and vanishing the mess, he answers. "He was using a muggle pen. And he kept clicking and clicking and clicking. It was driving me nuts. I asked him to stop three times. But the last time I told him to stop, as soon as I had finished speaking, he clicked it one more time. Its obnoxious. So I gave him a detention." He would have banged his head on the desk were Sirius' rather attractive lap not there. "I mean three chances. He should have obeyed me the first time. That was testy and out of line. If he wants to push, let him deal with the consequences. Feelings be damned."
"I know about the detention. A week with Filtch for a muggle pen? That's tough even for you. Is something the matter dear?" He asks. "I'm just more irritable than usual these past few days. It's probably the stress of NEWT and OWL prep starting next week along with all the changes that are taking place around here. It's s very eventful time." Severus answers, even his posture stiff. Something Sirius couldn't help but take notice of.
"Come here Sev." He says, pulling the smaller man off his chair, onto his lap on top of the desk, his chest pressed against Severus' back. "What are you doing you mutt?" He asks, struggling as Sirius starts rubbing his shoulders, and finally he starts to relax a bit. The more Sirius rubbed, the more his lover relaxed. The minuets ticked by, and he became like clay in the hands of his lover. "Mhmm. That feels amazing." He mewls, then puts a hand over his mouth. Where did that tone come from? Sirius just chuckles hearing it and moves down to his sides.
"Helping with the stress at all?" He asks. "F-fuck don't stop." He stammers, nodding his head as he closes his eyes. "I'll take that as a yes." He whispers, licking the shell of his ear and massaging his chest, down his stomach and to his abdomen, slowly going lower. At this point Severus forgot about his noodles and pens, opting to instead lean back against Sirius' shoulder, gasping in delight as his body started to relax. His breathing was heavy and his legs were spread over Sirius' thighs.
Then his hands dip lower and start massaging his thighs and brushing against his clothed groin. Even with the layers of fabric separating his skin from contact, blood was rushing to the area. Something that made Sirius smirk. "Someone's enjoying himself." He whispers huskily into his ear, letting his hand rest over top of the bunched fabric. "Merlin, I am. Don't stop." Severus moans, thrusting into his hand hungrily as Sirius continues to rub him, faster and faster over the layers of clothing. Severus bucks his hips into his hand, seeking more and more friction. He was getting so close. He hadn't been touched by the hands of another for ten years. It was a welcome change, especially when it was accompanied by soft kisses along his jaw and behind his ear, growing more and more sensual as the petting grew more fervent. Though there was no contact with his skin, it was more loving and intimate than James ever was, and Severus was lost in the glow of it all.
But just as his climax was about to arrive, the door was flung open by the worst two people who could have possibly opened the door at that time. Harry was holding onto Canan's arm, dragging him in. "Papa! Canan hurt his arm." He says, seeing Sirius, then he raises his eyebrow. "What are you guys doing?" Sirius quickly checks to make sure the mood has been completely ruined, if you know what I mean, before turning to face the boys and says, "Canan's Daddy was a bit stressed out so I was rubbing his shoulders. Now what happened to your arm Canan?" Sirius asks, putting Severus down, then kneeling down and holding out his hands for Canan's arm. "Sirius I'm fine." Canan said. Severus raised an eyebrow at this.
"Give him your arm Canan." He says. At that he reluctantly held his arm out to Sirius who pushed up the sleeve to find a rather bloody bandage. "Harry can you go to our quarters and start your chores?" Asks Sirius, discerning the nature of the injury. Harry nods his head and walks through the passage to their chambers to start his duties and as soon as the door was shut behind him he unwraps the bandage. "Can you tell us why you did this?" He asks gently as Severus grabs the needed potions to treat the injury.
Severus was a bit shocked. Only 13 days ago he said he was ready to give it up, but in hind sight he should have expected a few setbacks. An addiction always was hard to beat, and hurting yourself was an addiction to endorphins. He knew this full well. He had started at 12. The summer after his first year after his father had done that terrible thing, and though he had been oblivated to forget what happened, he hadn't forgotten the relief that burning himself had provided. He had tried to stop, and it wasn't until he became pregnant that he was able to stop. It had taken him 6 years to successfully beat the habit. So with that in mind, he braced himself to hear the reason for Canan's relapse.
"Some of the other students were saying awful things." Canan replied to Sirius. "They said I'm an abomination because not having a um, mother in the more traditional sense of the word is unnatural. And they said my dad is a shame. That no real man has a baby, and that since my dad wasn't even married I'm illegitimate and a bastard. I don't believe it. But it still hurts when they say these things. My dad is my family. I don't like it when they try to say my family isn't real. And it hurt so bad I had to forget it." He says, tears pouring out of his hazel eyes.
It broke Sirius' heart to hear this. He quickly rewrapping the bandage so he wouldn't keep bleeding, then picked Canan up and held him close. "Sweetheart, kids can be cruel. And I'm so sorry they said such terrible things about you and your daddy. But please don't take your pain out on yourself. You can always talk to someone when your feeling down. You know you can talk to your dad, but I'm guessing you didn't want to tell him that because you didn't want his feelings to get hurt. So if there's something that you don't want to talk to him about because you don't want to hurt his feelings or it's too embarrassing, you can always talk to me." He says, kissing the top of his head as a few of the students started to file in for their lesson.
"Sev I'll handle this right now okay? I don't want to make a scene. It may be embarrassing for Canan." He whispers. Severus nods in agreement, handing him the potions and bandages, allowing him to take Canan through a passage to his class room to treat the injury. He couldn't stop the smile when they exited the room, in spite of the circumstances, because seeing Sirius act as a father to his son warmed his heart. Sure he was worried about Canan. Terribly worried. But he pushed that aside for now. Because he trusted Sirius. He trusted him implicitly. And he seemed to be the one Canan needed at the moment, and not him. Though he was Canan's dad, he was still the mother figure. Right now Sirius was needed. Sirius was quickly becoming the father figure in his life. So right now, it was his guidance that was needed.
When they got to the transfigurations classroom, Sirius sets him down on his desk and takes a seat. "Okay. Is it okay if I take the bandage off now?" He asks, setting out the supplies Severus had given him. Canan nods his head and Sirius starts unwrapping it, disposing of the dressing by vanishing it once it was off. Next he pours the wound cleansing potion on a cloth and says, "This is goanna sting. You can grab my robe if you want." Canan grabs hold of it as Sirius held onto his arm with one hand and started washing away the blood with the cloth. Then he cleans off the wound, which causes Canan to grip his robe tighter and recoil in pain. "Almost done. I promise." He says, dabbing away at the last of the cut. About 10 seconds later he was done and grabs the dinatty. "Okay. All done with that one. Ready for the next one?" He asks.
"Just get it over with." He says, knowing just how terribly that one stung. Sirius nods his head and says, "Okay. Here we go." And pours it on. Canan hisses and reflexively pulls away but Sirius had a good grip and poured the potion on a few drops at a time until the cut was scabbed over. Once that was done he put a healing salve on it and wrapped it in a fresh bandage. "There we go. Wanna stay here until your class?" He asks. Canan simply nods his head to this. "I'm sorry." He says quietly.
"What for?" Sirius asks, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. He couldn't help but feel terrible for Canan. He hadn't done anything to deserve the hand that life had dealt him. With the way he had been raised it wasn't surprising to him that he was troubled. Especially seeing as he was more prone to think deeply than most children. He was quite like Severus in that way. Sometimes, he thought, that those who were gifted with intelligence weren't gifted when they had to suffer their thoughts in silence, and were in greater need of a companion to share their thoughts with than those who has less thoughts of a profound nature. Great intelligence, he often thought, was of great danger when paired with great melancholy. A fact of which he often concluded after his talks with Remus.
"For the trouble I caused." He says, looking down at his feet. "What I did was bad. And I should know better." He looks at the bandage ashamed and pulls the shirt sleeve over it and buttons the cuff, then pulls down the sleeve of his Slytherin jumper. That way the damage, though still there, wouldn't be plainly visible, with the bandage there like a billboard, screaming to everyone what he had done.
"You do know better Canan. But sometimes you can't help it. You have an addiction to something called endorphins. Their the reason you feel better after you cut. And their also the reason you feel worse after a while. Because they wear off. And you may know better here," at this Sirius points to Canan's head, "but your body craves the endorphins in order to lift your mood." To further illustrate the point he reaches into the pocket of his robes, producing a pack of cigarettes. "And I don't fault you for that Canan. To do so would make me a hypocrite. I smoke when I get anxious. Something I took up when I was 14. And even after 7 years in Azkaban I still took it up again because I didn't want to stop. Not until I started dating your dad."
Canan looks up at him and asks, "Even after 7 years? Is there no hope for me?" He asks, looking down. "Endorphins are a powerful thing, but there are other ways of getting them, just like there are other ways for me to relieve my stress. If your willing to give it a shot, I am too. So what do you say we quit together?" He asks, holding out his hand.
"What exactly are you suggesting?" Canan asks skeptically, eying his hand. Sirius shakes his head. "Your goanna have to trust me and commit to this. I want to have the assurance you truly want to quit. Deal?" He asks. Canan hesitated for a moment, Slytherin instincts making him skeptical, but his desire to quit over ruled that.
He took Sirius' hand.
Sirius smiles and shakes his hand. "We have a deal then. "When class is over I want you to go to our quarters with me and change into your trainers and a track suit, then we'll go to the quittach pit for a run."
Running? How would that help? What about his bad leg? Sirius must have seen the doubt on his face, because he says, "Just trust me on this okay? We can take it slow with your leg. I may even order you a special pair of shoes to even your legs out if you stick with it. It will help. It may take a week or two for your body to get used to it, but once it does it will help. I promise. For now your goanna have to trust me. Can you do that for me?" He asks. Canan nods his head at that.
"Good. Now go get your text book." He says, to which Canan runs off and grabs his book, and once the door closes he chuckles and says, "You can come out now Severus."
Knowing he had been caught, he steps out from behind the statue that guarded the secret passage that connected their class rooms and over to Sirius. "I'm sorry for eavesdropping. I was just worried about him." He explains. Sirius puts a finger over his lips to silence him and kisses him on the cheek.
"I know. Your his dad. I don't blame you. I can't believe you left your NEWT class though." He chuckles, fixing his hair so that it wasn't hanging in front of his face. Severus snorts at that. "As idiotic as Hufflepuff's can be, wether first or seventh year, I trust that they can handle the post lecture reading without blowing something up. If they manage to make a catastrophe of that, I'll be most impressed." He says. Sirius chuckles at that and kisses his cheek.
"Fair enough. So how long have you been listening?" He asks, chuckling softly. "Only a few minuets. Do you think the running will help?" He asks. Sirius sighs and shakes his head, not to say no, but to indicate that he was uncertain.
"I don't know Sev. I hope so. It helped Moony when he was depressed, so it should. I believe in him. I believe he can do it. But he has to believe in himself first and foremost. He can do it though. I believe in him." He says. "Now get back to your class. They will start to wonder wether your snogging me."
Severus chuckles and says, "All right. And Sirius. Thank you." He says, getting on his tip toes to kiss him on the cheek, then, after receiving a light pat on the ass, he disappears into the passage way. Not a moment too soon either because the first few students filed in and took their seats. Within 3 more minuets all the Ravenclaw and Slytherin first years had taken their seats for the days lesson. Today they were transfiguring a mixing bowl into a cauldron. And as usual with this particular house combination, the lesson flowed smoothly and the students caught on quick for the most part. Of course transfigurations didn't come easily to everyone. It was one of those subjects that you were either good at or you only just scraped by.
Canan seemed to have inherited both his biological parents skill for transfigurations. In the sense that it was very hit or miss. Some days he seemed to have the natural talent that James did, others it seemed he was more like Severus and had a distinct lack of talent. Today seemed to be one of those days, and he overheard him using phallic humor about wands flapping about. Sirius had to suppress the urge to laugh and took 5 points from Slytherin for inappropriate humor. But by the time class was over he had succeeded.
Once class was dismissed, they made their way back to Sirius and Severus's joint quarters and changed for their run. Sirius wore black sweat pants with a Gryffindor tee shirt and muggle Nike trainers. Canan was wearing a Slytherin track suit with black trainers and was trying to put his hair back with a muggle elastic. His mane was being uncooperative though and Sirius had to help him. "There we go. All ready?" He asks, finishing looping the hair through one last time. "I think your due for a haircut though." He says.
"I'm ready. But nobody is touching my hair." He says obstinately. He hadn't so much as had a trim since he came to live with Severus. His hair had been to his shoulders then. Now it was to his armpits, and it was rather large with all the body his curls gave him. If Sirius was being honest with himself it reminded him a bit of Slash.
"Okay well let's be off. And a trim would make it more manageable, and adding some layers to it would help. It wouldn't be quite so..." He pauses, looking for the right word. "Fluffy?" Canan offers helpfully. Sirius nods his head. "Exactly. Curly hair tends to get poofy when more and more curls pile on top of each other. It makes it harder to detangle too." He says. "You see how long my hair is at the bottom. It reaches my back. But the shortest curls are at the bottom of my ears. It really helps keep it under control. Severus, of course doesn't know the first thing about curly hair though since his is pin straight. So he wouldn't know it needs it."
"Was my father's hair as curly as mine?" Canan asks. "Canan, your father's hair was untamable even with potions and stuck up in every direction. Even with it cut short it was impossible. He should have just cut it off." He says, causing Canan to snort. "Oh geez. Well thank Merlin my dad's genes diluted his." He says, shaking his head. "It seems that somehow, despite having a limp gene and an unmanageable gene, I some how ended up with good hair."
Sirius barks out a laugh at this as they step onto the pitch. "Yes it seems that somehow you have. Though I quite like your Daddy's. It's soft as corn silk." He says, taking him into the field to stretch out. With Canan's leg he thought that that would be especially important. It was always important to stretch, but he figured that in this case, it would be better to stretch more than less. Better safe than sorry. "So your hair is something you like about yourself eh? Can you name four more things for me?" He asks, sitting down and reaching for his toes to stretch his hamstrings.
Canan follows suit and says, "Um, I'll try." He looked deep in thought as they held the stretch, then brought one leg up and leaned over to stretch the hamstring and the thigh. "I guess I like how smart I am." He says, holding the stretch and then changing legs. Sirius raises an eyebrow at this. "You guess or know?" He asks. He wanted strong statements. And most importantly, for Canan to believe them.
"I know." He says as he follows Sirius's lead, crossing one leg over the other and putting his elbow on his knee and turning toward the hip of the leg that was crossed over. It stretched the mid back and Sirius's back popped as Canan thought of something else. "Oh, I also love the fact that I'm a wizard. It's so cool!" That brought a smile to Sirius's face. That was the kind of confidence he wanted to hear. That was the kind of confidence he hoped to build.
"It is pretty cool. I mean I can't imagine life without magic. It would be so boring. And it would be hard to find something if you lost it. You couldn't just use a point me or an accio spell to find it. Looking for something is a pain in the_. Pain in the butt." He says, quickly correcting himself. His relief was short lived though.
"Pain in the arse? You can say it. I think you know I have a potty mouth. I was making dick jokes in class. That's another thing I like. I have an amazing sense of humor, and don't even pretend you didn't find that funny." He says, to Sirius's mortification. Without thinking he says, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth young man? A nine year old shouldn't be using such language."
By this time they were done stretching and as they stood, Canan offered his snappy response. "As a matter of fact I do, but don't let him hear you call him that. He may slip you a befuddlement draught. Besides I'm almost 10 years old, and some of the Hufflepuff's use much worse language than I do." They were jogging around the pitch at this point, and Sirius says, "How other students talk doesn't matter. I know Severus wouldn't approve of you speaking that way. I know it may not seem like such a big deal, but he has your best interest in mind." He says.
"But what makes bad words bad? Their just words." He asks, keeping pace with Sirius. It was a slow jog, and his longer leg shuffled slightly, but he was doing great none the less. Sirius was glad for this. It would strengthen the shorter leg and help him beat the habit. "Well I suppose it's not the words themselves, but the meaning behind them." He answers, "Cussing implies contempt, flippancy, or vulgarity. And those aren't things you should want to be associated with. It will keep people from respecting you. If you make a reputation for yourself, you attract a certain type of people to you and they become your peers. If you speak like that, you'll end up surrounded by contemptuous, flippant, vulgar and petty people. But if your respectful, courteous, and polite when you speak, your peers will be respectful and your reputation will benefit. Take me for example. My peers were Peter Pettigrew and James Potter. Peter had a reputation for being manipulative and inappropriate and James had a reputation for being arrogant and a bully. It made it look like I was of less than moral character, and when the Potters were murdered and I was framed, did I have an upstanding reputation?"
Canan shakes his head. "No, but it hardly means your capable of murder." Sirius nods his head. "That's true. But in the end that didn't matter. It was the circumstances and my reputation. Had it been someone else, say Lily Potter for example, who had a reputation for being polite, studious, and strong in her convictions of morals, do you think that the aurors would have second guessed the circumstances?" He returns as they jog around the curve of the pitch. Canan nods his head. He had never thought about it like that. And it had taken Azkaban for Sirius to think that way. For him to be forced to grow up.
Finally Canan says, "I never thought cussing could have such an impact." He murmurs, brow furrowed at the depth of his thoughts. Sirius responds with, "Not just cussing. How you carry yourself and who you hang around with too. Both of these things are greatly influenced by the way you speak. Now let's hear a fifth thing you like about yourself."
It's another lap around the pitch before he can think of a 5th, but when he does, he says, "I like that I got you out of Azkaban. Because it saved my brother, and made you and Severus very happy together."
Sirius couldn't be more proud of this child.
Note from the squirrel: well that one wrote it's self and I'm pretty happy with it. It showed a lot more interaction between Sirius and Canan, and adulting! Sirius was great. Maybe rather OOC for him, but he would have had to grow up some in this story, I suppose, because he adopted Harry and he's a father figure for Canan at this point too. Is it too OOC? Let me know in the reviews.