"OK… we have come to an understanding," said Alucard with a mocking smile. His summoned duel monster, the woman named Integra, instantly interrupted him, "I'm not speaking to you right now," she rambled angrily.
"As… I was saying…" he crowed with out-stretched hands, begging to know his error in judgment from his former master, but mostly just from his gathered captive audience, "We have… 'come' to an understanding."
The duel monster known as Integra groaned angrily and rolled her eyes while the one called Police Girl interjected, "Master… do we really have to kill all these cute little cartoons…" she motioned towards Lelith's adorable Chibi duel monsters. Instantly, everyone felt the room chill as the angry Space Elf gladiator narrowed her eyes at the innocent or perhaps dimwitted Police Girl.
"Yep," said Alucard dully, "It's part of the game. If it helps… just think of them as… Spongebob."
"Well…" uttered Police Girl regretfully, "If we don't have a choice… I suppose…"
"I hereby order Police Girl to slay your Chibi Ninja!" ordered Alucard with bluster. Instantly, Police Girl raised her massive gun and fired at the cartoon creature while yelling, "BITCHES LOVE CANONS!"
The little Chibi cartoon ninja exploded into a fountain of gore and vanished into a purple vapor like mist. As this occurred, a small red number above Leliths head counted down to 7,500 from 8,000. It took Police Girl a few brief moments to regather her thoughts from the forced animation, "Awe… sorry about that… I don't know what came over me…" she waved at Lelith genuinely apologetically.
"Do I even want to know my 'catch-phrase' you vampuric asshole?" asked Integra over her shoulder without turning to look at the red coated demon-human. Alucard instantly replied, "Ah-ah-ah… without the sass…"
Integra moaned angrily and gritted her teeth while reaching into her jacket pocket for a cigar case.
Meanwhile, the peanut gallery consisting of the Loli Inquisitor and the two enthralled Kabal Dark Eldar warriors, sat and watched the duel taking place from upon the bleaches. As fortune would have it, the three individuals had managed to locate refreshments and were now cloistered together for mutual protection just in case some warp demon decided to infiltrate the arena while the only two capable warriors were otherwise indisposed of by this idiotic children's card game.
"I have no idea what is going on anymore… this all seems dreadfully random…" she said while pouting with a hand supporting her chin. Besides her… one of the Dark Eldar Kaballite warriors was eating some sort of crispy flaky dish of pink objects which seemed oddly like bacon.
She eyed him, and he stopped mid-motion before slowly putting the crispy object into his mouth and resuming a slow and exaggerated chewing motion. The other Kaballite warrior explained, "Kroot Skins, fried in oil. It's a popular lower class food for the arena theater crowds."
The Loli looked at the crispy flaky pink objects and blanched, "Thanks for the warning," she said hollowly. The speaking Kaballite warrior nodded curtly and the group resumed watching their self-appointed Master and Commorragh's deadliest gladiator play their silly little card game.
Just as Alucard was preparing to end his turn… something unexpected happened. The ground began to shake and the some sort of unexpected wash of warp energy phased through the arena. Lelith's duel monsters turned into purple mists and vanished along with her duel gauntlet. She instantly kitted a blade and eyed the nearby bleachers for trouble while expecting a demonic incursion.
Alucard watched a still clearly annoyed Integra lighting a cigar before she also vanished into a purple swirling mist. Damn, just damn… that look she gave him was haunting. It's like… like, she wanted to stab him in the balls with a dinner fork, and to be fair it wouldn't have been the first time. That was a life lesson learned, if your boss calls you up from the basement during diner time after you've covered her car in goats blood and rammed into a dairy queen… best to wear a cup.
The red coated demon-human quickly focused his attention on Police Girl as she panickily called out for him, "Master… it's important that you know… I'm being held hostage by," and then she dissipated away into a swirling purple mist before she could finish her statement. Now that… was annoying. Now he would have to go save her… like f#cking Mario and Princess Peach. Sorry Alucard, but the Police Girl is another castle… F#cking Toad.
Everyone watched as something appeared over the arena. It was large, blocky, and… blue. Slowly, a Valkyrie Dropship decided to settle down and sit within the center of arena floor where it swirled the sands of the colosseum around its boxy frame.
The boarding ramp dropped and numerous blue power armored men lead by a loud and obnoxious sword wielding lunatic descended down to greet the motley assortment of xenos, demon-human, and regular humans, "I, Cato Sicarius, as Cato Sicarius, acting Captain Cato Sicarius… hereby challenge the Eldar scum defending the Black Library to a dance off on behalf of myself, Cato Sicarius, and our Lord Emperor of Terra," said Cato Sicarius, as everyone else more or less glowered at him and his assembled squad of blue berry followers.
"This… isn't the Black Library. You're in Commorragh, the Dark Eldar City within the Webway. It's the wrong place. Perhaps… you 'might' have gotten lost on your way here?" said the Loli Inquisitor with her arms crossed across her flat chest. The Ultra Marines under Captain Cato Sicarius's command seemed to sulk slightly from this revelation. It wouldn't be the first time that their Captain led them astray, yet oddly to victory somehow... almost as if the universe was plotting to save them despite it all.
"In the name of Cato Sicarius, silence! You heretic! I Cato Sicarius, know the Black Library when I see it, and this is the Black Library!" yelled the defiant nit-wit. Once more the men under his command seemed to sulk from the verbal lambasting. This particular woman was brandishing an Inquisitorial seal, and she clearly spoke for the Emperor. Given that their task to venture forth into the Black Library was ordered by the Emperor himself… her word should have been law in this situation.
Luckily, it was another individual nearby who brokered something approaching a peaceful resolution.
"Oh… you are just a treat," said Alucard mockingly.
"And you are…?" asked Cato Sicarius, without interjecting his name for once, "I Cato Sicarius demand to know," and just like that he ruined the moment.
"Who me?" asked Alucard with a chuckle, "My name is…" he seemed to stall for dramatic effect, "Hugh… and this next part is veeeery important so get it right, Mungus. Hugh Mungus."
"Well… Sir Mungus…" started Cato Sicarius before being cut off by Alucards snickering laugh.
"Right about now, Zarna Joshi is freaking the f#ck out because as a noble Kekistani I have little interest in letting this go…" everyone seemed puzzled by the red coated individuals cultural pandering given the tremendous lack of relevancy with the current time period.
"Are… are you making fun of me?" asked Cato Sicarius while in a state of bewilderment.
Alucard started to slowly clap, "Bravo… and yes, I'm making fun of you because I was minding my own damn business with a children's card game when you, the great descendent of Gumby got lost on his way to the f#cking library and decided to intrude upon my little adventure. An adventure, mind you, born from the psychotic whims of several demented fanfiction writers. Oh yeah… and by the way, we are totally going there."
"OK, so here's how this works…" said Alucard smugly, "I am old, like… Bruce Willis old. In fact, Bruce Willis frequently visits my dreams, but that's besides the point. I mean, it's nothing erotic or anything like that. Ok… let's stop that train of thought right there before it gets super weird."
"That having been said, I'm old enough to remember twentieth and twenty-first century pop culture. This… grants me the ability to make numerous almost forth wall breaking jokes under normal circumstances, but while in the warp… well… that shit changes real fast."
"Again with this forth wall nonsense…" grumbled the loli inquisitor with a soured snarling face. Alucard merely chuckled and took a gracious bow.
"Yes, yes, yes… I'm the Deadpool of the Warhammer 40k Universe. However, the more I mingle with the non-material realm, the more I am able to break the forth wall. This… means two things."
"The first," said Alucard while raising a single white gloved finger to everyone's instant focus, "Is that I can screw with people and plotlines from other works of fiction. In fact, I am going to make it part of my future plans. Once I've shot Space Elf Hitler in the face; yes the face, I'm then going to hunt down this universes Rick and Morty so that I can steal their interdimensional portal device. I will then go to the Warhammer Fantasy Universe and fight Gotrek Gurnisson."
"I don't know who any of those people are…" said the Loli dully.
"Yep, not surprised there, but just so you know… the readers are going to love it. We're still in the warp folks… I can break the forth wall on a whim." [JCDenton2012 has a brief moment of self-apprehension]
"The second important thing," continued Alucard while raising another gloved finger for everyone to focus upon, "Is that I am aware of who is and is not a main character. More importantly, I know who has 'plot-armor.' This is why I know…" said Alucard confidently, "That no matter what happens… something… someway… somehow… is going to occur so that if Cato Sicarius here tries to shoot me… he will fail. We both have plot-armor and neither of us can die."
"Well… I Cato Sicarius think that this is absolutely preposterous," said Cato Sicarius.
"Then do it…" replied Alucard with a broad fanged grin and mocking laugh, "Shoot me! Right in the f#cking head! Because you know what… I can personally guarantee you, that we're both f#cking Wheaties Brand Heroes, and the only difference between us that you're Shaquille O'Neal and I'm OJ Simpson."
Cato Sicarius stood there stunned, speechless for a few brief seconds, and then he drew his bolter, pointed at the red coated demon-human, and pulled the trigger. Suddenly, and without warning, a bright white light erupted before the assembled group of survivors.
Alucard, the Loli Inquisitor, and Cato Sicarius all craned their necks to look upon three identical Grey Knights bearing identical suits of power armor, Inquisitorial Shields, and Power Swords. They each wore Pysker Hoods and as one said, "Squad Drago reporting for duty… we will retrieve the hams!" And just like that, all the Ultramarines and Cato Sicarius were teleported away from the Dark Eldar City by the mysterious identical individuals.
"And just in case you couldn't tell…" said Alucard mockingly, as the physical reality once more stabilized all around his mismatched team of misfits, "You done goofed."