HOLY CRAP I'M BACK!
I know we all thought this day wouldn't come, but here it is! New Chapter!
Thank you to everyone who's stuck by me and left me nice, encouraging reviews/messages! It's been really hectic for me this year. It's my senior year of college, I'm applying to grad schools, taking my GREs, doing research, and trying to maybe write a real novel and a lot of other things. So I'm sorry for this being so late, but a break was needed.
TO EVERYONE WHO LEFT ME NASTY REVIEWS/MESSAGES:
HOW DARE YOU. It is NOT my job to write this story and I get absolutely nothing from it except my own pleasure. I am not getting paid and I owe you NOTHING. HOW DARE YOU curse at me and send me such disgusting insults. It is DISGRACEFUL that you would act this way in general, let alone to a person you do not know because they aren't doing something according to your schedule. Fanfiction writers don't owe you anything. You are all absolutely disgusting and I hope you don't act like this in real life. People don't owe you anything, especially when you act in such a horrific way. I really hope you all were being honest when you said you were done with this story because there is nothing I want more than you people never reading my stories again. Seriously disgusting the way you treat other people.
That being said, to everyone who defended me and continued to encourage me, you all are amazing and a huge part of why I'm continuing 3
The silence in the room is horrible and the emotions are even worse. Even though I'm tired all the other emotions I'm feeling overpower the drowsiness, making it impossible to fall asleep.
Even though I know Edward is still awake I cut my eyes over to him. He's unnaturally still and the arm that is touching mine ends in a tight fist. His jaw is tight as if he's clenching his teeth and his eyes are screwed shut so tightly that it almost looks like he's trying to stop himself from crying, even though I doubt that's the case. He must sense my curiosity because suddenly one of his eyes snaps open and he's staring at me. I'm surprised to find that his gaze is more wary than angry.
"What? You want to yell at me some more? Maybe call me an asshole again?" But there is no venom in his voice. He just sounds tired. I can feel dejection coming from him.
"You're really going to get on my case about calling you a name?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.
I'm expecting a snappy retort or at least a glare. Instead he just closes his eye again and sighs. "I guess I deserve that." He mutters.
"You deserve a lot more than that." I mumble a bit put out.
"Look, I understand that you're not happy that we're mated, but it's not like I'm jumping up and down either."
"Are you kidding me?" I'm positive that even with his eyes closed he can feel how strong my glare is on him.
"All I'm saying is that neither of us wanted this, not just you, so you could stop acting as if you're the only one who's being effected by this."
I was seeing red. "You asshole. You're actually going to compare the fact that I've been mated to my bully to the fact that you've been mated to someone you find unattractive? As much as I think you can be a dumbass, I know you're not such an idiot that you actually think those things are equal." I'm trying so hard to remain calm. I clench my fists in anger.
He nods but keeps his eyes closed. "You're right, I do know. I failed my mate. I hurt you. It's not something I can ever undo. And my situation isn't nearly as bad." I feel my anger lessen slightly do to him admitting that I'm right. Also because I can feel his genuine regret at the fact that he hurt me. As if my changing emotions make him more confident he goes on, "and I do find you attractive, especially now." As if the fact that he now finds me attractive would make me feel better.
To my annoyance I do feel a slight bit of pleasure when he says that, but not nearly enough to cancel out all the anger. Is he for real right now?
"I'm sorry, are you hitting on me right now?" I ask in disbelief. I know the mating would make him attracted to me, but given how repugnant he used to find me even I'm finding it hard to believe that he's actually trying to flirt with me right now. Especially considering the conversation we are in the middle of.
"Yeah." He says like it's no big deal. When I just stare at him in disbelief he continues. "What? We're mates. I mean I know you're attracted to me." I blush because he's right, I am attracted to him, but I hate being reminded that he can feel that attraction. At my blush his cocky grin is back. "And I'm attracted to you too, so what's the point of fighting it. All we can do is move past everything and hope for a better relationship in the future." His hand reaches out to grab mine. I let him wrap his fingers around mine, but I don't hold his hand back. I'm angry. My emotions must hit him because all of a sudden he loses the cocky expression and looks unsure. "What? Why are you angry?"
"You actually think that I want you like that?" I ask in disgust.
He sighs, "Bella, I know you do. You might fight it and deny it, but you do. It's part of the mating, the physical attraction." And damn him, he's right, I do want him. See when people mate it's very sexual, after all one of the biggest parts of mating is the physical attraction. Example A: my parents getting it on at prom right after they mated and having me nine months later.
Edward kisses my neck lightly and a shiver goes through my body at the feeling. My heart is racing and I feel heat racing through my body. Holy shit. No one has ever kissed me before, especially like that, and I find myself unconsciously leaning into his touch. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about love." My heart races faster at the pet name and I feel my body responding exactly in the way he wants it to. I feel him smile against my neck. "I know you feel it, so do it." He presses his lower body against mine to prove his point, and I can feel his erection. I can't believe I did that to him. That I can affect the great Edward Cullen like that, the one every other girl lusts after. This time he kisses right behind my earlobe and I shiver again, this time letting out an embarrassing small moan. He lifts his lips so that they're right next to my ear. "You're so sexy Bella. Face flushed with desire, my mate, my Red." He runs a hand down my burning cheek and my body freezes. That nickname is like a bucket of ice water and I regain my senses. What am I doing? I know attraction is part of the mating, but just because I want him doesn't mean I'll give in. I still have control over myself, and I'd never let myself be with someone physically that that I don't trust.
"Stop." I get out rather breathlessly. He immediately listens and pulls back from me looking slightly dazed. Well at least he's got one redeeming quality; he knows how to respect a woman's decision.
"What?" He's genuinely confused and I can also feel his frustration and arousal, which isn't really helping me with my own.
I move as far away from him as I can so that only our feet are touching to keep the pain at bay. I need to get away from him to clear my head. "We aren't doing that." I state. And dammit but I actually feel sad that I'm putting my foot down, even worse is that I know he feels it too.
"Bella, everyone is attracted to their mate. It's not a big deal." He's talking to me as if I'm a child, but I don't mind because it's increasing my annoyance towards him and I'd rather feel that then what I was just feeling before.
"Fine, I'm attracted to you." He smirks at me, but I quickly wipe that look off his face when I keep talking. "But do you really think that I'll sleep with you, or even kiss you just because I'm suddenly attracted to you?" I know he wants to say yes because obviously he's willing to do these things now that he's attracted to me, but he actually shows he has some brains when he keeps his mouth shut. "Do you really think that I can just put this behind me just like that. That just because you don't want to hurt me anymore because of our mating bond that I can forgive all the times you did?" My voice is deadly calm, but my anger is rising and I know he can feel it too as his frustration begins to rise as well.
"Bella we are mates. There is nothing either one of us can do about that so we are going to have move on and learn to live with it and with each other." He actually has the gall to let out an annoyed huff.
I count to ten to control my anger. Screaming at him won't do anything, it'll just get him defensive and I need to make something perfectly clear. I wait until he looks at me so that I know I have his full attention. "I can learn to live with it, and I can even learn to live with you Edward, but I don't know if I can ever learn how to not hate you." He looks as if I've just stabbed him, but every word is the truth and I know he can feel that. I feel sadness like I've never felt before coming from him and suddenly he's grabbing my shoulders in desperation.
"Don't say that! You have to learn to like me, to love me. I'm your mate!" He's desperate and I'm completely shocked. I don't know if it's the exhaustion, or the fact that he's still frustrated from me turning him down, but I've never seen Edward so emotional and raw before. Even when he knew I was trying to run from him at school he was able to keep his calm and cocky composure. The man in front of me now was not confident at all. He was scared. The idea that his mate would never feel anything for him other than hate truly terrified him.
While the part of me that couldn't stand to see my mate in pain begged me to console him, comfort him, the part of me that had wished my whole life to see Edward Cullen as helpless as I was rejoiced.
"The mating bond can't make me love you Edward. Nor can it make me like you. I'm sure you can already tell that as I doubt you suddenly feel either of those things for me." His eyes close and I know I'm right. Even though he's now attracted to me, he doesn't genuinely care for me in any other way.
His forehead presses against mine, and his next words are said in a broken whisper. "But I'm willing to try." His eyes open and my brown eyes are suddenly drowning in his green ones. "I feel something for you now Bella, I do. And I know it's because of the bond, but I also know it can really become something. It has to. Please." His voice is scratchy and desperate and I want so badly to reach up and kiss him. To resume where we were just a few moments ago. I remember the feel of his lips on skin. So soft. His lips are right there. I could just reach up and touch them with my own.
He is your bully, I remind myself. He's only saying this because of the bond, he hasn't changed.
"You might be willing to try, but right now I'm not." He freezes above me and slowly moves so that he's sitting beside me. I also sit up so that we both have our backs to the headboard. "Edward, you've hurt me. A lot. Probably more than you can imagine. And this might be hard for you to hear now that I'm your mate, but I don't care. I hate you. Not past tense. I do, currently, still hate you. Even if I'm attracted to you, that's still how I feel. And I know you hate me too, even if you're trying to fight that now that I'm your mate. You might be able to just move beyond our past, but I'm not. I am the one that was hurt Edward. Not you. I don't trust you not to hurt me again."
"But I can't hurt you anymore! I can't without feeling like I'm hurting myself!" He exclaims and runs his hands through his hair and down his face in frustration.
"That's the problem." I say and now he's confused.
"The problem is that I'm not going to hurt you or be mean to you anymore?" He's staring at me as if I'm an idiot and I feel my anger rising.
"The problem is that the reason you're no longer going to hurt me isn't because you don't want to, it's because you can't!" My voice is raised and I lower it quickly so as not to alert anyone else in the house to the conversation that we are having, but it still holds malice as I continue. "If we weren't mated I'd be starting another day of torture at the hands of Edward fucking Cullen." I spit his name and I can see him visibly flinch. "I'd be getting tripped in the parking lot, ridiculed at biology, and balls spiked at my head in gym. You are not a nice person Edward. At least not to me. You are an asshole and you are the reason that I hate waking up every school day. You've put me through years of hell and it will not be forgotten just because my genes suddenly tell me that I should be attracted to you and vice versa."
"Bella-" My name sounds like a plea.
"Do you know what it's like to be me Edward?" He's looking at me like a deer caught in headlights and I let out a harsh laugh. "Of course you don't, let me paint you a goddamn picture. I wake up everyday and my first thought is how can I avoid Edward Cullen and his friends. I don't just hate you Edward, I'm scared of you." I know as soon as that sinks in because I feel his emotions racing to me, but I ignore them. "Everyday I have to deal with every single person in that school hating me for absolutely no reason. I have never done anything to them and yet they hate me. Since eighth grade I have never had a conversation with someone my age that didn't involve an insult being thrown at me or laughter at my expense. The only time during the day that I have some peace is when I get home and I'm away from everyone. When I can relax with my parents and just be myself without fear of ridicule, without having to keep looking over my shoulder in case someone decides it'll be fun to knock my books out of my hand or trip me."
"And now you took that from me too." He stops trying to argue and the anguish I feel coming from him is almost equal to what I myself am feeling. I feel tears pricking my eyes and I do everything to keep them from falling. I do not want him to see me vulnerable. "I will never have another moment away from you. I will never know peace again. I will constantly live in fear and discomfort because I will be forced to live forever with my bully. So no Edward, I'm not willing to just forget. Because just as you can't hurt me anymore, I can't forget how much you already have."
"This can't be happening. Mates are supposed to be able to move on from anything, to always want to be with the other person. Not hate them!" He's so desperate and I have to fight every instinct to comfort my hurting mate.
"Yeah well most people don't mate to someone who has been nothing but cruel to them. The mating bond doesn't usually get it wrong."
"You think it's wrong." He says it so calmly, but by his emotions I know he's anything, but calm. However he's feeling so many things that I can't discern exactly what he's feeling.
"You don't?" I quirk an eyebrow at him. "There must have been a reason you picked on me for all these years Edward. You can't tell me you think this mating is right. You said it yourself five minutes ago, it's not like you're jumping up at down at this turn of events."
Edward remains quite and just stares straight ahead as if he's in shock. He eventually slides back down so that he's lying in bed again and closes his eyes, I do the same.
I'm still heated, but sleep is slowly starting to win over. Right as I feel like I might fall asleep he breaks the silence.
"Did you really mean it?" His voice is so quiet that I almost miss it. I turn my head slightly and crack an eye open to see that he's staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes still.
"Did I mean what?" I can't hide the yawn that escapes.
"When you told our parents that you thought this would most likely be an abusive relationship. Do you really think I'd abuse you?" I can feel the fear radiating from him and hear it in his voice.
I don't know what to say to that, it's the last thing I expected him to ask. Most of me knows that Edward would never harm me like that, but a small part of me is still questioning if his hate will come back and maybe even grow after he's stuck with me for so many years. I don't know what to say so I say nothing.
I see his eyes close and he just nods.
Before I go under I hear a soft "I'm sorry," being whispered, but I don't know if he thinks I'm already asleep or not. My last thought is wondering if he realizes that that was the first time he had ever apologized to me.
The first thing I notice when I wake up is that I've never been so comfortable in my life and that I'm super warm. The next thing I notice is the muffled voices and feeling of shame. I open an eye to see that I'm lying fully on Edward's body and his arms are wrapped about me tightly holding me in place. His hair is a mess and I can tell he just woke up by the sleepiness still on his face. Carlisle is sitting in one of the chairs that is still next to the bed and he's having a whispered conversation with Edward. Edward must feel from my emotions that I'm awake because he immediately stops talking and looks down at me with a guarded expression.
Carlisle looks to me with a smile on his face. "Good morning Bella. I hope you slept okay. No problems?" He chances a glance at Edward and I know he's asking if his son behaved himself. I can feel Edward's slight annoyance, but there's also acceptance and… gratitude? What could he possibly be thankful for?
"I slept fine Carlisle, thank you." I reply with a slight blush when I realize that he is witnessing me in this compromising position with his son. Edward feels my embarrassment and starts rubbing his hand slowly up and down my back. I sigh in contentment and I can feel the pleasure Edward feels through the bond.
"Lovely." He says while narrowing his eyes slightly at his son. He glances back at me and his expression softens. "Well you two managed to sleep the whole day away so it's Friday morning. Esme is busy making breakfast and we were hoping that you two would be willing to join us. Your parents will be here soon as well Bella. They stopped by yesterday afternoon, but you two were still asleep and we didn't want to bother you."
It suddenly dawns on me that I had gone four days without a shower. And I was lying on top of another person who hadn't showered in four days. Nasty. I slide off Edward and immediately feel cold. He grabs my hand so as not to lose the connection.
"I think I'm just going to grab a quick shower before they come. If that's okay." I quickly add and I can feel my cheeks flush.
"Lovely." I hear Edward whisper and my eyes immediately cut to him and once again I see a slight pink rise on his cheeks. I turn back to Carlisle and see him smirking slightly at his son.
"Of course you can Bella. You now have free reign in this house. Feel free to use Edward's shower." He points towards bathroom door that's in Edward's room. "Or you can use the bathroom in the second floor hallway, that's the one Alice uses." Second floor? How big was their house? I mean I know they're rich, but more than two floors?
"I'll use Edward's, if that's okay with him." I don't exactly use anything of Edward's, but I'd rather use his stuff than Alice's. Plus I'm going to have to get used to sharing Edward's things anyway since we'll be sharing a bed, house, and basically everything else for the rest of our lives. Oh god.
I can feel that Edward is pleased that I chose to use his shower and I struggle not to role my eyes at him. It's just a freaking shower.
"Of course it's okay. I'll wait out here and take a shower after you." It's weird that he's being so agreeable but I just nod slowly. He must mistake my expression and feelings for not understanding why he'd wait because he starts to explain himself. "I don't want to use Alice's because we aren't sure how far we can go while still feeling each other's emotions yet. I don't think it's wise to test it so soon after what happened." I don't know why he's struggling to justify himself, I don't give a damn where he showers, it's his house.
"Excellent. Just come down when you're ready." Carlisle says with a smirk again as he's walking towards the door. It's disarming how similar his smirk is to Edward's, so youthful and full of mirth. "Oh and Bella, that suitcase has some of your things for you that your mom brought over yesterday. I made Esme leave them put as I didn't imagine you'd appreciate us going through your things." He rolls his eyes fondly as he mentions his wife and leaves closing the door behind him. I can't help but feel gratitude towards him. I can't even imagine how mortified I'd be if Esme had indeed gone through my clothes, including my underwear.
"Are you sure you don't care if I shower first?" Edward's mood is happy and I'm still kind of confused by it.
"Of course not."
I decide to bring the whole suitcase in the bathroom with me so that I don't have to rifle through my things where Edward can see. I don't think I'd ever get over it if he saw the type of underwear I wear. They are not sexy and I don't need to give him any more reasons to laugh at me.
With one last glance at him and I go to the bathroom and lock the door.
Edward finally leaves the bathroom and I'm staring at him wide eyed and flushed. He's all smiles. Of course he is. He stops a bit nervous when he sees my expression.
"I can't believe you just did that when I was right in here!" I seethe at him.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He says nervously but he avoids eye contact.
My eyes narrow. "I can feel your emotions, or did you forget."
His eyes bulge a bit. "Fuck."
"Yeah." Part of me wants to know if he was thinking of me, the other part of me wants to smack that part.
"Why?" He asks and I don't have a clue what he means.
"Why what?" I cross my arms over my chest defensively. I can't help it, I'm not good in awkward situations and this might win the prize of the most awkward situation I've ever been in.
"Why're you curious?" He looks genuinely interested. Why isn't he as embarrassed as me? He's the one caught red handed.
I flush. As if I'm going to tell him what I was actually wondering. Think fast Bella. "I was wondering why the hell you did that when there was someone else in the room right next to you!" I say exasperated.
He actually laughs. Laughs! "I'm sorry." He says catching his breath. "But the fact that you were in the room next to me is the reason why I did it." He says with a smirk and my eyes widen at his confession. Unknowingly he answered my real question. I feel a tiny bit of pleasure knowing that even in the morning I can affect him like that. When his smirk turns into a full-blown smile I know he caught me. Dammit. I answer him with a scowl.
"Whatever. Just don't do it again."
He rolls his eyes. "Bella. I'm a guy that's sharing a bed with my mate every night now, yet not having sex. I'm sorry, but it's going to happen again. I can't help it." When I just continue to glare he gets a serious look on his face. "Look I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable, I really am. But I can't help how I feel during the day and it's not fair of you to ask me to." He's right and I hate it.
"You're right, I'm sorry." It wasn't fair to tell him to not feel something; he couldn't control it anymore than I could control what I was feeling for him. "I promise not to say anything next time. Sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm sure you didn't want me to know what was going on it there." I trail off and awkwardly point towards the bathroom.
He looks embarrassed but then he gets a cocky grin. "And I promise not to mention it when you do it."
My eyes bulge and my mouth drops open. I know I must look ridiculous, but I can't stop gaping at him. "I will not! That will never happen!" I'm fuming. How could he even think that I'd ever do that in his bathroom!
He holds his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay! You might be less of a pain in the ass if you did though." He laughs.
"You are such a jackass!" I fume and go to walk out of the room done with this conversation and more than ready to be in the presence of people other than him.
"Hey Bella!" He grabs my arm lightly to stop me from leaving the room. As soon as he touches me I sigh in relief due to the feeling of completeness and calmness that fills me. I can feel that he feels the same way through the bond.
"What?" I grumble.
"You know…" he starts in a cocky drawl and looks me up and down, "I can feel your emotions too. I don't think you found what I did as bothersome as you'd have me believe." He gives me a wink and then walks me out of the bedroom dragging me along with him, flaming face and all.
I really hate it when he's right.
A/N: Hey everyone! I'm glad to be back! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! A little bit of steam in there and some fluffy banter, but also some emotion and depth. I'm sure some people will say that Bella seems to be forgiving Edward already and it's too soon, trust me, she's not. But she is aware that she is stuck with him for the rest of her life with no way out. She's not going to just sit there and ignore him. One, because that would make a terrible story. Two, because like I said, she knows she's stuck with him! She doesn't want to be miserable for the rest of her life, so even though it's going to take lots of time she is willing to talk to him etc, etc. After all she has to be in the same room basically touching him for the foreseeable future. She isn't going to turn into a miserable mute. He's already caused her enough pain through the years; she isn't going to let him continue to ruin her whole life.
I seriously want to thank everyone who reviewed this story and sent me encouraging things. You guys are such a big reason that I keep coming back. And I PROMISE that I WILL NOT ABANDON THIS STORY. My life is really hectic (see top A/N) and I'm sorry, but this is last on my list of things to do. BUT IT WILL BE FINISHED!
Again if you're someone that thought it would be fun to curse me out please get off my page and away from my story. This story is not for you.
OKAY GUYS! I've read almost 50 books this year so I have a lot, but here are my favorites of the year!
The Raven Cycle: Epic story, the characters are A+, LGBTQ representation, fabulous writing, and a complete series. I miss this gang so much 3
All For The Game (The Foxhole Court): So I was kind of meh about the first book, but the second and third. hOlY SHIT! SOOO GOOD! LGBTQ representation, mental disorders, characters (oh how I love the foxes!), complete, and you can get the whole series for less than $3 on amazon for the kindle!
A Court of Thorns and Roses: If you haven't read this yet GET ON IT! The writing. Oh god. How Sarah kills me. It's a darker Beauty and the Beast retelling so you know it'll be good. Characters are out of this world (especially in the second book), the sex scenes are fucking amazing (especially in the second book), amazing character development, and hot fae. Enough said. The last book comes out in May and I am not ready. But also I need it now.
Throne of Glass: Basically anything by Sarah J Maas is epic. Characters are amazing, again amazing character development, strong kickass female characters, amazing sex scenes in the later books, and the last book that came out actually emotionally destroyed me. The final book comes out next year!
Carry On: If you read Fangirl you know what Carry On is, but basically it's amazing Harry and Draco slash fic but with different character names and characteristics. But still obvious that it was based off them. Adorable fluff, cuteness overload, LGBTQ representation, wizards, hilarious, and it's a stand-alone book so it's not a huge time investment.
That's a lot so I'll stop now, happy reading :)