Author: This tale takes place at no particular point, since this story is pointless anyways…except for messin' with the mind of everyone's favorite blonde elf archer!
I do not own anything related to J.R. Tolkien's works.
I so do love pirates *__*
"There is something amiss." Legolas stated, stopping in his tracks, his sharp eyes scanning over the lightly wooded hills.
The Fellowship paused. "I sense nothing." Gandalf replied after a short while.
Legolas shook his head. "Nay, I sense a foul wind approaching."
Merry and Pippin pointed at Gimli and snorted with laughter. Gimli growled in warning.
Gandalf ignored them. "I see nothing in my mind's eye Legolas."
"That wouldn't happen to be it, would it?" Pippin pointed to a distant cloud of smoke fast approaching towards their direction.
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf cursed.
"What did I do?" Pippin shot back. "I only pointed it out!"
Aragorn swore. "It must be Sauramon's doing!"
"Down everyone!" Gandalf roared.
Everyone ducked as the cloud swooped down upon them. Legolas, in his haste to avoid the incoming smoke did something that was quite uncharacteristic of his elven kind: He slipped on a patch of slimy lichen and crashed headfirst into a tree. Then everything went dark.
Legolas opened his eyes and then quickly closed them again. The sun was shining in his eyes, and he had a tremendous headache to boot. He moaned and tried to rub the slight bump on his head--and found that he couldn't move.
His eyes flew opened in shock. "What the--" He saw that he was completely bound with rope, starting from his feet all the way up to his shoulders. Legolas struggled vainly against his bounds, and took in his surroundings. He was outside, the sun was shining brightly against a clear blue sky, and he was laying on a wooden floor. Thick poles stuck out in odd places, ropes and canvas laid in piles everywhere. 'A boat? I'm on a boat!" He thought wildly. It was not just a boat, it was a ship.
Legolas felt queasy. How can this be? They were miles away from the nearest lake or ocean. Before he could ponder the matter any further, he heard footsteps, lots of footsteps approaching him.
A familiar face hovered above him, silhouetted by the bright sun.
"Gandalf?" Legolas squinted his eyes. "What the hell is going on? Why am I tied up!" He demanded angrily.
"Yarr! You's be keeping silent 'till yer told, stowaway!" He growled.
"Huh?" Legolas craned his neck to look at the rest of the group, and sputtered at what he saw. The entire Fellowship were completely decked out in foreign costumes, which mainly consisted of stripped shirts, bandannas, cutlasses and the occasional eye patch. 'Where the hell did they find those clothes?' Legolas thought, bemused. Then it hit him, they were dressed as pirates!
"Yarr!" Aragorn swaggered over, he was dressed in a dark blue ruffled overcoat and sported a medium sized pirate hat. He looked quite dashing, actually. "What shall we do with a stowaway mateys?"
Gimli waved his ax. "I's say we eat him!"
"Aye!" Pippin and Merry chorused, licking their lips. They both wore bright bandanas and loose fitting pirate clothing.
"Arr! Eating's too good for him!" Frodo growled, he was wearing similar clothing that Pippin and Merry wore, but was slightly fancier.
"Aye Aye!" Sam agreed gruffly, he too was in slightly fancier garb just like Frodo.
"Grr!" Gandalf stepped back, then Legolas could clearly see him. He was wearing a huge pirate hat, and sported an eye patch, a peg leg and a dead parrot glued to his shoulder. "Yarr! I's be the Captian! And the Captain says that this here stowaway shall walk the plank!"
"Aye! Walk the plank! Walk the plank!" The crew cried excitedly.
Legolas felt his mouth go dry with fear. In all the long years that he had lived, he had yet to learn how to swim. "No!" He cried and struggled against his bounds, but only succeeded to wiggle around like a worm.
"Aye!" Gandalf prodded Legolas with his strap-on peg leg. "You'll be shark bait by sundown!"
Legolas had an image of himself flailing around in the open sea, his lovely blond hair becoming entangled with slimy green seaweed. He shrieked in terror.
"Eh now, what's this?" Gimli raised an eyebrow.
"That be a girly scream!" Merry cried.
"No it's not!" Legolas snapped, his face turning slightly red.
"Arr! He shows some spine!" Aragorn scratched his stubbled chin in thought. "What do you say, Captian?"
Gandalf looked at Legolas skeptically. "We can use another hand to sail this ship, all in favor?"
"Aye!" The crew chorused.
"All not in favor?"
"Nay!" Legolas cried.
"Then it is agreed!" Gandalf bent down and shook Legolas' one free finger. "Welcome aboard matey! I's be the Captain of this fine crew. Captain Graybeard is my name! Or is it Whitebeard…I haven't decided yet!"
Aragorn stepped up. "I's be 1st Mate Arrr-agorn! Yarr!" He pointed to Frodo and Sam. "And they's be 2nd Mate Frodo the Stinger, and 3rd Mate Samwise-The-Not-So-Very-Nice!"
"Arr!" They both growled.
"And I's be 5th Mate Gimli the Ugly!"
'At least the dwarf got that part right.' Legolas thought grimly.
"--And they's be 6th Mate Merry the Growler, and 7th Mate Pippin the Biter!" Gimli pointed to the two, who licked their lips hungrily at the elf.
"I wanted to be 1st Mate!" Boromir grumbled, appearing behind Pippin, Legolas did a double-take. Boromir was alive?
"Yarr! Stow it 8th Mate Boromir The Not-Quite-So-Dead-Yet! Now untie the elf!" Arrr-agorn ordered. 8th Mate Boromir pouted and complied.
Gandalf stroked his dead parrot affectionately. "And this be our 9th Mate and my fine-feathered friend…Pickle!"
Legolas stared at the badly stuffed green parrot, which was rotting in odd places. A glass eye popped off and hit him in the forehead.
"Aww! She takes a liking to yer!" Gandalf cried delightedly.
"It's a freakin' dead bird glued to your shoulder!!!" Legolas shrieked, not being able to take anymore of this insanity.
"Pay no attention to the crazy elf Pickle!" Gandalf pulled out a soda cracker and stuffed it into the bird's beak, the cracker crumbled and fell out of its mouth. "Arr! She be a fine 9th Mate! That she be, yarr!"
Legolas tried to ignore Gandalf, and rubbed the circulation back into his newly freed limbs.
"What shall he be, lads?" Gandalf cast his one un-patched eye on his crew. "Shall this girly-boy elf be our 10th Mate?"
"I'm not girly!" Legolas snapped.
"Yarr! I reckon he me P.M.S.ing!" Gimli remarked.
"Aye! He be not manly enough to be 10th Mate!" Arrr-agorn agreed, then a thought occurred to him. "Oi! I's know what we're missing! There be no cabin boy on this here vessel!"
'Oh sweet Mirkwood! Nooooo!' Legolas thought.
"Yarr! Than it is agreed!" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard tipped his oversized Captain hat. "Welcome Aboard Matey! Our new Cabin Boy!"
"Hurrah!" The rest of the Fellowship Pirates cheered.
'I wished I had walked the plank.' Legolas thought miserably.
Yarr! What do you think? Shall I continue with this swashbuckling tale? Please Review!