Author: I am sooooo sorry for the delay of updates! I have been putting all my time into school and 'Snape's Worst Day' up till now…but now here's chapter four!!!

I must confess, the last chapter 3 is a setup for this chapter! Poor poor Leggy! *evil laugh* He gets so abused in this chapter!


"Gluh…" Legolas had awoke with a pounding headache, and his world was spinning before his eyes.

"Yarr! Ye be awoken!" A familiar voice 'yarred' loudly into his sensitive ear.

Legolas clamped his hands over his ears. "Aragorn?" Legolas whispered. "Where am I?"

"Ye be sleepin' on me bed, hoo yarr! Ye be harboring a tough stomach to pump!"

Legolas then noticed that his stomach felt unusually empty. "My stomach has been pumped?" He was not quite sure how to process that, and resolved to avoid thinking about it. "I require sustenance." He muttered to himself, and rubbed his growling belly.

Legolas tried to stand up, but lost his balance on the softness of the mattress toppled back over into the bed…right over Aragorn!

"Yarr! Ye be a feisty one!" Arrr-agorn growled and pulled the elf closer, his musky scent filled the elf's nostrils. Legolas flushed when he felt the warmness of Aragorn's body pressed against his. "I uhh…gotta go now!" He pushed Aragorn away and rolled (ungracefully) out of the bed.

"What fer?" Arr-agorn shoved his dashing pirate hat back on his equally dashing head.

"To take a…bath! Yeah, a bath! Elves have to maintain their hygiene you know, heh heh heh…" Legolas made a hasty exit out the door.

"Arr! He be more girly than me own mother, that one is. Hoo Aye!"


"Uh, Captain Graybeard?" Legolas tapped Gandalf's unparroted shoulder uncertainly.

Gandalf swung around on his strap-on peg leg to eye Legolas with his unpatched eye. "Yarr! That's Cap'n WHITEbeard to you matey! Arr…"

"Sorry, Cap'n WHITEbeard. Is there a place where I can take a bath?"

"Arrr! Ye need at be talkin' pirate talk, yer part 'o me crew after all. Now say it again!"

"Um…" Legolas scratched his head. "Y-Yarr!" He paused uncertainly, his face screwed in concentrationd. "Can I…Yarr? Take a….Yarr! Scrubbing? Yarr! For it would be nice to ah…Yarr! Take a bath…Yarr?"

"YARR! Ye be usin' 'Yarr' too many times in yer speech matey, Yarr! Besides, we don't take no baths aboard this vessel, fresh water's hard to come by on the cruel open sea!"

Legolas pointed to a nearby lake (which they were not sailing on) "Is that not fresh water over there?"

"Nay, it be one of them mirages! Ye look parched Cabin Boy! Let me show ye to the water barrels!" Gandalf hobbled to the storage room below decks, Legolas followed wearily.

Captain Whitebeard pointed to the many barrels. "There be our water supply! This here lot is not fer bathin'! 'Tis too precious, besides one exception."

"Exeption?" Legolas asked while Gandalf pried one of the lids open on the barrels.

"Aye! There be one exception to the bathin' rules!" Gandalf tossed the lid aside.

Legolas peered over into the open barrel, and found moldy feathers and grime floating in the water. "Sweet Mirkwood! What foul things are in this water?" Legolas cried and pushed himself away from the putrid water. "You said that this is fresh!"

"Aye, it 'tis fresh! It's fresh enough fer Pickle ta bathe in!" Captain Whitebeard petted his dead parrot affectionately. "The bathin' helps her molt! An' it puts flavoring inta' the water!"

"Molt…" Legolas looked at Pickle, its beak fell off, rotting flesh still attached to it. "You've been bathing that…THING--" Legolas pointed to Pickle. "In ALL the water supplies?!?!" Legolas' voice had risen to an uncharacteristic screech.

"Aye, 'tis true." Gandalf pulled Pickle off his shoulder. "Speakin' of which, it's time for yer daily bathin' Pickle!" Gandalf dunked the rotting parrot into the water, where multitudes of feathers, rotting flesh and dead mites fell off to float around in the defiled water.

"That's disgusting!" Legolas cried, holding back his urge to retch. "I'm not drinking OR bathing in that!"

"Yarr! There be no yellow-bellied oysters in MY crew!" Gandalf shook the wet Pickle menacingly, drowned mites and fleas flew off in every direction. "I's be yer Captain, an' the Cap'in says ye shall take yer medicine!" Captain Whitebeard shoved Pickle back onto his shoulder, then stomped his staff in command. "Go get 'em Hobbits!"

As if by magic, the hobbits appeared from behind the many barrels, pouncing on Legolas before he had a chance to react.

"Eeep!" The elf struggled vainly, but he cannot contend with the might of the four fierce pirate hobbits. Gandalf pulled out a hearty sized tanker, and dipped it into the festering brew.

Legolas' eyes widened in terror. "I don't wanna diiieee!" He moaned piteously. "Stow the gab Cabin Boy!" Gandalf grunted and held the full tankard up to his nose, sniffing suspiciously. "This smells a bit strange at me, what do ye say, 9th Mate Pickle, is it fresh enough?" He held the tankard up to the dead parrot. Pickle's head fell off and plopped into the water.

"Yarr! She approves!" Captain Whitebeard grinned and shoved the Pickle stew into Legolas' face, the elf can only stare at the bobbing parrot head in repulsion, moldy feathers and a festering claw floated around the head as well. "I's say it's good enough ta drink!" Gandalf cried cheerfully.

This was Merry and Pippin's cue, together they bit into Legolas' leg, causing him to open his mouth to yelp in pain.

"Yarr! Down the hatch!" Gandalf cried and poured the entire pint--parrot head and all--down the poor elf's throat. Legolas' eyes widened as the taste of the concoction slid down his maw, then Pickle's head became lodged in his throat.

"Arr! I think he be a-choking Cap'in!" 2nd Mate Frodo commented as Legolas' struggled to breath.

"Yarr! He be a sissy not being able ta swallow a tankard 'o mere water! 'Tis a sad dark day it 'tis. Hoo aye!" Gandalf grumbled and hit Legolas in the back with his staff. With a hacking pop, Pickle's head shot out of Legolas' mouth like a cannonball.

"Yarr! It's after our blood!" Pippin the Biter cried. Everyone ducked for cover as the parrot head ricocheted off barrels and walls like a super-fast rubber bouncy ball.

"Arr! I's be hearin' noise down here!" Arrr-agorn appeared in the room, just in time for Pickle's head to collide into his face. He was out like a lamp.

"Ohmygod!" Legolas cried and ran to Arr-agorn's still form. "Estel! Can you hear me? Estel!"

"He be far gone away matey!" Gandalf shook his head sadly and picked up Pickle's slightly bouncing head, then forcefully shoved it back on to the parrot's body. "'Tis a sad and dark day indeed! There be only one more day 'till we reach Isengard! And our 1st Mate is not seaworthy!" Gandalf eyed the four present Hobbits. "Who shall be responsible fer our 1st Mate?"

"The Cabin Boy!" They all chorused.

"Arr! That be right! 'Tis his fault fer aiming Pickle's deadly head towards our 1st Mate! He shall be the one to care fer his needs!"

The prospect of playing nursemaid to the horny Arr-agorn made Legolas feel a tightness in his stomach that he wasn't quite sure was fear, and he tried to reason with the insane crew. "But--but--"

"No buts me bucko!" Gandalf pointed to Arrr-agorn's unconscious form. "Now take care 'o yer patient!"

'This could be bad…' Legolas thought to himself and began to haul up the heavy Arrr-agorn back to his room.


Now Legolas has to take care of Arrr-agorn? The Fellowship reach Isengard next! Shall I continue? Please R/R!