Ace Ventura: When Charlotte Calls
An Ace Ventura / Ranma 1/2 Short Story
Copyright 2004-2008, Rebecca Ann Heineman
Takes place sometime late in the Ranma 1/2 timeline for no apparent reason.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective characters created by Jack Bernstein, Jim Carrey and Tom Shadyac. Ranma 1/2 characters were the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. This was based on a suggestion from Joseph Fenton.
I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me EVER discuss fan fiction ideas with Joseph Fenton. This was his idea!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ace Ventura, the premiere pet detective known the world over in his own mind, emerged victorious from the chamber that he had occupied. He saw the light of the sun as he cast off the heavy door that covered his exit. His hands were filled with the bounty that he had so laboriously fought for.
He threw the wad of stale bread, wilted lettuce and expired meat products to his flock. He stood tall in the dumpster behind the supermarket as he commanded his legions to feast upon the harvest he so valiantly fought two rats and a cat for.
Surrounding the dumpster was a menagerie of assorted dogs, cats, rats, goats, squirrels, hamsters, black ants and a hippopotamus. They dined on piles of rubbish and assorted foodstuffs that were deemed not fit for human consumption, but fit for a crazed detective. Ace bit into a half-eaten Big Mac and was pleased.
Ace lived in a small run down apartment unit near Miami Florida. He was between assignments and waited for his phone to ring to start his new adventure. Since his phone was cut off for lack of payment, he had spliced into someone else's phone line and waited for that phone to ring.
He sat in his living room with a dozen hamsters crawling all over his lap and a dog performing unnatural acts upon his leg. "Fido! Get a room!" He gently kicked the dog away and his monkey wrapped itself around the same leg and tried to finish what Fido started. Ace got up and grabbed the monkey by the scruff of the neck and tossed him into the ferret pen. The ferrets retreated in fear from the disturbed primate.
Knock, Knock, went the front door of Ace's apartment. Ace sprung into action. He waved his hands in the 'time-out' gesture and in seconds the room was devoid of animal life. Ace grabbed the lone banana peel off of his chair and opened the door to see a very irate landlord.
The short balding man was fed up. "Ace! Where's your rent! You're two months overdue and I'm giving you this!" The landlord shoved another eviction notice into Ace's face.
Ace Ventura had dealt with challenges like this before. He tossed the notice on the pile of previous eviction notices and laughed. "Have no fear, for I am on the case!"
"What case? The only case you'd had is a case of the flu." The landlord peered around the pet detective to look at the interior of the apartment. The building had a strict 'No Pets' clause in the lease that would allow instant eviction if any animal was found on the premises. As usual, there was no trace of any animal of any kind. The landlord snorted the air for a tell tale sign of a pet. Ace quickly hid the can of air freshener behind his back. Still not convinced, the landlord made his latest threat. "I'm giving you until noon tomorrow to cough up the rent or you're history." He leered in Ace's face. "You got that?"
Ace sank a little. "I got that. But don't worry, I'll have your money as soon as my client pays what he owes me." Ace sweated a little. All of his clients were either totally broke or had already paid him months ago.
"You'd better get some cash soon or it's the street for you." The landlord left the doorway and stormed off. Ace slammed the door and held his back to it to keep that nosy man out. His monkey poked out from under the sofa cushion and Ace waved him back. A few seconds later, the landlord peeked into the window looking for any sign of animal life in the apartment. After looking for about a minute, he stormed off again.
Ace drew the curtains and sealed the door. He stood triumphantly in the center of the living room and stretched out his arms. "Come my children! Come to papa!" In moments, the entire room was filled with hawks, owls, lizards, snakes, bumblebees and cockroaches. Ace called the cockroaches aside. "Now, remember the plan. Jump on the landlord's dinner table AFTER his guests start eating. OK?" The cockroaches wiggled their antenna in reply and scurried off.
"Victory is mine!"
Ace sat in his chair with the phone in his lap. The phone rang and he instantly picked it up. "Ace Ventura Pet Detective, finder of lost dogs, cats and dreams! Uh huh... Yes... Uh huh... No, this isn't Pizza Hut." He hung up the phone and contemplated his meaningless existence. He pulled out his wallet and blew out the cobwebs. He was completely broke. "Hmm... Maybe I shouldn't have spent my fee on Purina Cat Chow." He thought about that and spoke to his assembled family. "But it tastes so good! Chow! Chow! Chow!" The cats nodded in agreement and then proceeded to chase the hamsters.
Ace left the apartment and fetched the mail. He returned and sorted the letters. "Bill, Bill, Bill's, Occupant, Occupant, Bill's. Why do I keep getting Bill Heineman's mail? Hey!" A letter was addressed to Ace with a postmark from the Nerima ward in Japan. He tossed all the other letters aside, which were instantly devoured by the resident termites and read the letter from land of the rising sun.
The letter said...
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Ace couldn't read a word of Japanese. He recognized a phone number and picked up the phone to call Japan. The phone had voices on it. "I'll take a medium Stuft Crust Pizza with Ham and Pineapple and I'll have a double cheese medium Stuft Crust as well." Ace grimaced. Who would put pineapple on a pizza?
"Ok, your pizza will be ready in 30 minutes or less." Came the reply from another unrecognized voice on the line. Both people hung up. Ace hung up the phone as well and picked it up again to get a dial tone. He was so glad that the next-door Pizza Hut hadn't figured out why their phone doubled as the Ace Ventura Bat Phone.
He called the number and was connected to his newest and hopefully rich client. A very high-pitched young girl's voice spoke in Japanese. "Moshi! Moshi!"
Ace cleared his throat. "This is America calling. I am Ace Ventura, Pet Detective and you have asked for my humble assistance." He made his best important sounding voice. He wanted to make a good first impression on the person who quite possibly could save his butt from being thrown out into the street.
Azusa Shiratori blinked her eyes as she heard the voice on the phone. The pint-sized figure skater was overjoyed. She answered in English since she actually wanted to speak the language of her favorite cartoon, the Powerpuff Girls. They were so cute! "You got my letter!"
"Yes I did. Please state the nature of your emergency, and our crack team of investigators will be on the case!" Ace was dancing around his room trying to avoid stepping on the dog who tried to jump his leg again.
Azusa couldn't wait. She was finally going to get her pet piggy back. "Charlotte is missing. That bad Akane Tendo took my Charlotte to her house and won't give my piggy back to me!"
"Charlotte is missing you say? Can you describe her?"
Azusa shouted into the phone. "She's mine!"
"Can you be a little more specific?"
"Can you describe what Charlotte looks like? Could you tell me her weight? Could you tell me your weight? Could you tell me my weight?"
Azusa closed her eyes and had visions of dancing bunnies in her head. She then thought about her most favorite thing in the world. She opened her eyes and saw the large panda bear tied up across the room holding a sign that said 'Let me go!' and smiled. She closed her eyes and thought of her second most favorite thing in the world. "Uh… Charlotte is about three kilos and uh... She's mine."
"Three kilos you say? How many pounds would that be on the planet Mars?"
"Uh... I don't know. She's black and she wears a black and yellow bandanna and answers to the name of Charlotte."
"Hmm... Not much to go on. Do you know where Charlotte is right now?"
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking you for your help!" Azusa jumped up and down in fury.
Ace covered the microphone on the handset. "Damn! I knew this wasn't going to be easy." He uncovered the handset. "I will need my retainer. Do you have a credit card?" He crossed his fingers.
Ace rolled his eyes. He really had a live one. "Yes, a credit card. You know, those things you use to buy stuff with." He could tell by Azusa's voice that she wasn't playing with a full deck.
"Oh, Azusa knows. Let me get Elizabeth!" She dropped the phone and ran off.
"Elizabeth? Is that your mother?" Ace was perplexed. He waved to his trusty monkey to fetch a pen and paper in case he got lucky. He already had her phone number and the return address was written in English script on the envelope. All he needed was money to get to Japan to crack the case.
A few minutes passed. Ace was getting sleepy. He heard a male voice muffled on the phone. "Give that back you little freak!"
Azusa slammed the door to her bedroom and locked it so Mikado, her skating partner, couldn't enter to take back the credit card she took from him. "Mr. Detective-san, I have Elizabeth."
"Great! Could you put her on the phone please?"
The skater shrugged and put the card on top of the phone. "Ok. I did it."
Ace raised an eyebrow. Elizabeth sounded just like Azusa. "Could you please read me the numbers on the card?"
"Ok. It's 1234-1234-1234-1234."
"Now, the expiration date?"
Azusa read the date.
"The name on the card?"
Ace carefully wrote down the name. He did a double take at the name but didn't care. Money was money and he wasn't picky.
"I'll charge my standard fee and be right over."
"Ok. Just bring back Charlotte."
"Ace is on the case!" He hung up the phone and yanked off the monkey and Fido from his legs. "YES!" He screamed. The doorknob to the front door started to shake and the landlord entered again.
"Ah, ha!" The landlord gazed into a room with Ace being the only occupant. Once again, there was no trace of animal life present. A sofa cushion rustled for a second and then was still.
"Ah, ha! To you my good sir! I must withdraw my funds to pay my debt to you!" The detective sauntered out leaving a shocked landlord standing in the doorway. The manager promptly ran to his apartment to get the tools to change the lock on the door to be rid of this annoying non-paying tenant.
Ace returned shortly from the seedy check-cashing store with the fifteen hundred dollars to pay for three months rent. He handed the bills to his almost comatose landlord since Ace actually paid his rent and grabbed the new key from the landlord's limp hands.
Ace slammed the door and cherished his good luck. The cash advance limit on the card was enough to pay the rent and now he had to book his flight. He sat in his chair and picked up the phone. The voice in the line ordered. "I'd like a deep dish pizza with Anchovies..."
"Get your own pizza! I need to make an important call!" Ace slammed the phone down and picked it up again with a dial tone. He called a travel agent to book a flight to Tokyo.
Ace had been driving his beat up old car for the last two days straight. The credit card didn't have enough credit to pay the 2,400 it cost for a round trip ticket to Tokyo on the next flight out. It didn't matter anyways, since Ace didn't have a U.S. Passport or a valid driver's license. That didn't stop the great pet detective as he drove his certified non-operational vehicle across state lines to California.
He was stopped three times by the police for invalid registration, a broken front windshield, excessive smoke and the fact that his car was just too ugly for words, but his monkey was able to hop onto the police motorcycles and drive them away as a distraction so Ace could make good on his escape.
Ace stood on the shore of the Pacific Ocean and contemplated his hairline. His spiked black hair was in perfect condition and he made a pose. "I will not be daunted by this obstacle!"
He waited until nightfall to make his move. He parked in a parking garage and sent the monkey and a squad of raccoons on a quest. Within minutes, several inflatable rafts were lashed to the undercarriage of his beat up old car and Ace was ready for the journey. He stopped at the dumpster behind a local McDonald's and loaded up on provisions in the form of Ketchup packets, BBQ sauce containers, half filled soda cups, and a case of stale sesame seed buns.
He drove his car into the water and pulled the cord on the rafts. They inflated and the car floated out to sea. Ace lowered the broken driver's side window and used a table tennis paddle to oar his car out to deep water.
A few hours later, Ace was a kilometer offshore. He poked his head out of the window and invoked the call of the blue whale. A whale appeared shortly and Ace pointed the way. "I wish to travel to the Far East! Therefore I will go west!"
The whale didn't care. It just pushed the floating car away from shore since it was scaring away all the shrimp and other assorted sea life for kilometers.
A week went by.
Ace was sitting on the hood of his car as he paddled once more toward the west. A seagull flew overhead and pooped on the hood as a sign indicating that land was nearby. He invoked the call of the Japanese whale and another whale appeared. He pointed the way toward shore and the whale was happy to oblige since he was scaring away all the fish again.
An hour later the whale beached the car on the shore. It then rolled over and swam quickly away since it didn't want to be anywhere near the pet detective or its friends would throw it out of its whale pod for associating with non-Japanese life forms.
Ace cut away the rafts from under the car and began his trek across the Japanese highways. He stopped by a gas station to get directions and berated the man behind the counter for not bothering to learn proper English and acting like a foreigner.
Twenty-two traffic accidents later, all caused by dumb Japanese drivers who didn't have the common sense to drive on the RIGHT side of the road like Ace Ventura did. Our hero reached his goal and parked in front of the Shiratori mansion.
Ace double checked the address and cursed that the map he had was covered with strange scribbles instead of plain English like any other sensible map would have. As he got out of his car to walk up the steps, his car shuddered and collapsed with all four tires popping off at the same time. Ace frowned at the spectacle before him and knocked on the trunk.
The lid popped open and several squirrels playing poker popped out. One was wearing a hard hat and held a wrench in its paws. "Repair the Acemobile! I'll give you your standard fee." The squirrels squeaked in excitement and bounded off on their assigned task.
Ace rang the doorbell and he waited patiently to be let in. He rang the bell again. He knocked on the door. He huffed and he puffed but the door stood in place.
The door finally opened and a butler stood at the ready. "Kon nichi wa."
"Kon Tiki what, to you to my good man! I'm here to speak to Azusa Shiratori about her pet Charlotte."
The butler rolled his eyes and led the great detective into the audience chamber. Ace pocketed a few items of apparent value and stood anxiously awaiting his paying client.
Azusa appeared shortly thereafter. She roller-skated in wearing a cute frilly skater dress and pretty looking bows in her hair. She exclaimed. "You found Charlotte?"
"No, my good lady. I've not found her yet. I need her scent so that I can properly find her. Do you have something that belonged to her? Do you have a picture of her? Do you have the time?"
Azusa put her finger to her mouth and nodded. "I have her collar. I don't have her picture. It's 4:35 PM." She reached into the subspace pocket that all anime females possess and gave Ace a metal locking collar with a cute pink heart on it. "This is Charlotte's until the big bad Ranma Saotome took it off of her." She pouted.
"Do not cry my fair lady for I, Ace Ventura, Pet Detective will not rest until your Charlotte is safe and sound in your loving hands and I am paid in full!" He tossed another expensive looking item from a small table into his pants pocket. "Now, can you tell me where I can find this Ranma Saotome?"
"Oh, that's easy. Follow the martial artists to the Tendo Dojo. It's the place where people usually fly into the sky from. He stays with Akane Tendo and she has my Charlotte." Azusa smiled. She eyed Ace's Hawaiian shirt. "Becky!"
Ace spun around. "Where?"
Ace's shirt was yanked off of his back and Azusa skated off with her new toy. Azusa shouted in glee as she disappeared down a hallway. "I've got you, Becky!"
Ace cupped his hands around his mouth. "You know I'm adding that to my bill!" The butler appeared from the shadows and handed Ace a clean white T-Shirt. Ace grabbed it and put it on. "Thank you, my good man." The butler led Ace to the front door and opened the door for him.
Ace looked out at the horizon and had no clue which direction was the Tendo Dojo. He turned to the butler. "Which way, my good man, is the Tendo Dojo?"
The butler pointed his finger. "That direction, sir."
Ace followed the finger to the horizon. "Thank you!" He walked down the stairs to his newly refurbished car. It had four monster truck tires, was sitting over a meter off the ground, the driver side door was from a school bus with a red stop sign attached, a police light on top and a new broken windshield to replace the old broken windshield. Ace gazed upon his car and was not pleased. He knocked on the trunk.
Ace popped the trunk lid open and saw the squirrels were watching an episode of 'Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers' on a laptop computer with a DVD drive. "Hey you slackers! You forgot to empty out the ashtrays!" The squirrels squeaked a response that only made Ace more upset. "So what if I don't smoke! That's no excuse for not emptying them out!" He tossed in a handful of peanuts to placate them and slammed the trunk shut, before hopping into the driver's seat through the broken driver's side window since the door was welded shut.
"Well my friend, find me all the information you can on this 'Ranma Saotome' and 'Akane Tendo'". He turned to his faithful monkey who climbed over the car seat and slid into the trunk via a hole in the back seat to use the laptop. Ace put on his sunglasses and started the car. The motor gave a throaty sound as he put it in gear and drove in the direction the butler said to go. He drove as the crow flew; straight through backyards, bedrooms, schoolyards and drug stores since the monster truck tires were able to overcome any obstacle. Ace was pleased.
The Nerima police got several reports of vandalized cars around the Shiratori mansion. A monster truck owner found his vehicle on blocks, a police car was missing the lights on the roof and a dozen cars had the gasoline siphoned out. The cops wrote it all off as another Azusa rampage and sent her family the bill like usual.
A bicycle stopped in front of the Tendo Dojo and a familiar purple haired Chinese Amazon parked it. She carried a box of food and knocked on the front gate and stood back awaiting an answer. A giant tire appeared and flattened the poor girl.
Ace viewed his surroundings. "I don't see any martial artists here." His monkey jumped up and down. "Yeah that girl with the spatula was pretty mad that I drove through her restaurant, but it wasn't my fault that her place was in my way." Ace turned off the engine and ducked down. He thought he saw a martial artist approach.
Tatewaki Kuno was certain that today was the day that he would finally woo his loves away from the foul sorcerer Ranma Saotome. He had practiced a new technique with his bokken and was convinced that the pig-tailed one would be impressed with his new rain of one hundred blows attack. He held a beautiful bouquet of bright red roses and approached the front gate.
Kuno stood still for a moment looking at the strange American car with oversized tires parked out front. He shook his head in disgust as the vehicle obviously belonged to someone below his stature. It was another reason why Akane and the pig-tailed one must be taken from this lower class establishment and brought into the fold of the Kuno clan.
He walked around the vehicle and knocked on the door. The gate opened and he entered. A moment later, Kuno was flying over the dojo wall and landed head first onto the street. He fell over unconscious and the bouquet landed next to him. Ace peered out from his car and checked his notes. "Dojo with flying martial artists. This must be the place. But first..." He crept out of the car and hid behind a giant tire. The detective peeled Shampoo off the underside of the tire and placed her next to the dojo wall. He grabbed the ramen box and proceeded to dine on the contents.
After Ace's hunger was satisfied, he clapped his hands and several raccoons appeared from the back seat and surrounded the pet detective. "Ok you guys, I need you to go in there and find Charlotte." He held out the collar and the lead raccoon sniffed it. The fur balls put on ninja masks and all of them jumped on the wall and disappeared from view.
Ace slithered over to Kuno and dragged his body and placed it next to Shampoo. He took the kendoist's robe and put it on and hooked Kuno's bokken on his belt. Ace looked like a poor imitation of Kuno. He was ready for action and held the bokken over his head in a pose. He then placed Kuno next to Shampoo and put Kuno's arms around the sleeping Amazon and put Shampoo's head on Kuno's chest. Ace was pleased with the display of affection he was able to simulate with the two sleeping martial artists. "Now, don't they look like a loving couple? No one will bother them now."
The raccoons appeared over the wall and chirped and squeaked to the pet investigator. Ace held his hand over his ear to listen intently. "You don't say? Girl... Dark short hair... Piglet in arms... Boy in Chinese clothes… In the back... Mallets..." He stood up and handed the rest of the ramen to his troops. "Eat hearty men! For today we may die!" He gave them a salute and opened the trunk of his car.
The monkey had Ranma's picture on the screen. There was a phone cord connected to the laptop and the other end went to a nearby telephone pole thanks to the squirrel corps. Even in Japan, they were able to acquire an Internet connection. "I see you've found our target. Gimme everything you've got on him." Ace read the file on Ranma. There were fights, more fights, even more fights and his entry in a beauty pageant. Ace tilted his head on the pageant entry in confusion. He scrolled the text down a bit and found a weakness that he could exploit. "Ah ha! I've got you Ranma Saotome! Charlotte is as good as mine!"
Ace straightened his robe and bokken. He picked up the flowers and handed one to his squirrel brigade who promptly devoured it. He pushed the gate open and entered.
He walked into the house and announced his presence. "I am Ace Ventura, Pet Detective and I've come here take that which doesn't belong to you." He noted that nothing visible in the house seemed to have any real value and didn't pocket anything.
Kasumi peeked out from the kitchen. "Hello, kind sir. Are you here to speak with master Happosai?"
"Happosai? Does he have Charlotte?" Ace took a step forward and saw the object of his quest. Akane Tendo walked to the entryway holding a little black pig in her arms just like the raccoons had described. Ace handed the flowers to Akane and snatched P-Chan while she was distracted. "There you are my fine lady. These smell much better than this thing. I shall take it to be dry cleaned." P-Chan took offense to the remark and tried to squirm out of Ace's hands.
Akane raised her battle aura in anger. "Hey! Give me back my P-Chan!" She tossed the flowers aside and reached out to get her pet pig back.
"I'm sorry but I've come to rescue the pig-tailed one from her imprisonment!" He petted the pig-tailed pig and took a step backwards toward the front door. Ace turned around to leave and walked right into Ranma.
Ranma crossed his arms. He spoke in bad English. "You're not Kuno. Why is an American dressed like him?" He glanced down at P-Chan. "Oh, is he with you?"
Akane plucked P-Chan from Ace's grip. "What do you want with my P-Chan?" P-Chan stuck his tongue out at Ace then growled at Ranma.
Ace pointed his finger at Akane and accused her. "Isn't it obvious? I've come to rescue her from your clutches you pig-napper!"
"Her? P-Chan is a boy pig." Akane lifted up her pig to make sure that there wasn't a mistake. P-Chan tried to cover himself up and fainted from embarrassment.
Ace was shocked. "You fiend! It's bad enough that you kidnap a poor defenseless pig, but you subjected her to a sex change! Is there no mercy in your heart? I challenge you for Charlotte!"
Akane nodded her head in understanding. "Azusa sent you, didn't she? She's the only person who calls my P-Chan, Charlotte."
Ace had the evidence he needed. "So, you admit your crimes! You took Charlotte and brainwashed her into thinking she is a male! The shame!"
Akane rolled up her sleeves. "Okay, buster, you leave now or I'll make you leave."
"Ah, it's fisticuffs then? I accept your challenge. Ace walked past the two martial artists and out into the backyard. He stood near the koi pond. "I await you!"
Ranma and Akane exchanged glances. Ranma shook his head in dismay. "The guy obviously isn't a martial artist and hasn't got a clue. I feel sorry for him."
Akane put P-Chan down. "I don't." She walked outside and approached Ace to kick him into the stratosphere.
Ace Ventura was in his element, the great outdoors. Here, allies abound. He looked up and saw that the fight was already his. A moment after Akane entered the backyard; Ace made cawing sounds like a crow and flapped his arms. Akane stopped and watched Ace make a fool of himself. Ace raised his arms in the air and shouted. "Fly my pretties, fly!"
In seconds, the sky went dark as hundreds of crows swooped down and pecked Akane. She raised her arms to protect herself and the birds grabbed her and lifted her high into the air. Ranma ran out and swatted the birds but they flew out of range and held his fiancée high above the koi pond. They dropped the girl and she landed with a splash.
Ace turned his nose to the sky. "The fight is mine! I will collect my bounty now."
Ranma jumped into the koi pond to pull Akane out. He transformed into Ranko and placed her fiancée on the ground and patted her face to wake her up. Ace made mental notes about this odd fact and wondered why it wasn't mentioned in the computer files on Ranma.
A damp Ryoga appeared in the backyard and confronted Ace. "Why did you do that to Akane?"
"She wouldn't give back what rightfully belonged to someone else!" Ace declared. "And who might you be?"
Ranko snidely commented. "That's Charlotte."
Ryoga stopped in his tracks. "No I'm not, I'm P-Chan. Uh..."
"P-Chan?" Ace was curious. He grabbed one of the many buckets that lay around the backyard and filled it with water from the pond that changed Ranma into Ranko.
"Oh no, you don't!" Ryoga backed off.
"Ah ha! So you are Charlotte! Time to come home!" He took a step closer to his prize.
Akane woke up and Ranko turned to face her opponent. "Ok, buddy! You're going down."
Ace grinned. "You're out of your league guy. Uh... Girl..."
Ranko looked at the sky to judge the proper trajectory and velocity to dispose of this creep and inflict the most pain possible. She made the calculations and ran forward to deliver the blow.
Ace crouched down and made a sound. "Meow."
Ranko froze in her tracks. She shook her head to clear it and began her charge anew.
The sound was repeated around the yard. "Meow. Meow. Meow." All around the area, the yard rapidly filled with cats.
Ace stood up. "Bow down and worship me. For I am your master!" He made claws with his fists. "Get him! Uh... Her!"
The cats pounced on Ranko. She fell over in a thud. Her body twitched and convulsed as the felines worked their evil magic on her. Before she drifted into madness, she had a happy thought. The Neko-Ken was going to end this fight rapidly and with Akane awake, she was going to be able to recover quickly. Ranko let the feline in her awaken. "Meow."
A scream was uttered from outside the front gate of the house. Shampoo yelled at Kuno. "Pervert!" Kuno was seen flying into the sky. The distracted Neko-Ranko jumped over the wall to investigate.
Shampoo was enraged and was breathing heavily from punching Kuno into next week. She turned to see Neko-Ranko hop in front of her and slash Ace's car into scrap metal in a few seconds. The car collapsed and water from the radiator splashed out and soaked Shampoo changing her into a cat. She meowed at Ranko who meowed back. Seconds later, a stream of squirrels, raccoons, possums, hamsters, snakes, owls, crows, Gila monsters and 101 Dalmatians popped out of the wreckage and ran amok in the street. The dogs promptly chased Shampoo down the street while the rest of the creatures just ran wild. Neko-Ranko scratched behind her ear with her foot and hopped back over the wall to meet up with Akane.
Ace sighed. He was going to have to add the price of the car to the bill he was going to give to Azusa. Ranko hopped back into the backyard, ready for battle. Ace reached into his robe. He knew about the Neko-Ken from the computer records and was ready for it. Ranko jumped on all fours and charged the American. Ace pulled out a cat of nine tails and waved it in front of the insane martial artist. She flopped on her back and played with the cat toy.
Akane stood up. "RANMA! Stop playing with that!" Ranko purred on the ground and rolled around clutching her plaything. Akane swatted Ranko. "Bad kitty! Get him for trying to take Charlotte."
Ryoga called out. "The name is P-Chan! What the...?" A Gila monster ran by and knocked the lost boy into the koi pond.
Akane didn't notice Ryoga's change since she was busy trying to get Ranko to attack Ace. "Thanks Ryoga. Ranma, get him for trying to take P-Chan!" She swatted her 'cat' again and Ranko got up and sniffed her. Akane pointed to Ace. "Get him!" Ranko arched her back and spat like a cat.
Ace Ventura, the greatest pet detective of all time was not going to be defeated. He was leaving this place with Charlotte and nothing was going to stop him. Besides, how else was he going to get paid? He reached into his robe and produced the only thing that could possibly defeat the Neko-Ken.
"ACE VENTURA FORBIDDEN NEKO-KEN DEFENSE!" He cast out the ball of yarn and Ranko jumped after it. In moments, she was completely tied up in yarn and couldn't be happier. She purred one final time and fell asleep in pure kitty bliss.
"Victory is mine!" He faced Akane. "I will take Charlotte now." He held out his hand and plucked P-Chan from the pond to march in triumph with his prize.
Akane couldn't believe what she saw. Ranko's Neko-Ken, a supposedly undefeatable technique was vulnerable to a simple ball of yarn. "Ranma, stop playing with that!" Ranko just purred.
Akane stood up to face the man who was about to take her beloved pet. "Give me back my P-Chan!"
"I possess the pig and I'm sorry if possession is 9/10th's of the law!" He made a funny sound through his nose and trumpeted like an elephant. The back wall exploded and an Asian elephant stomped into the yard. It grabbed Ace in its trunk and turned to leave. "Ace Ventura has triumphed over evil again!" The elephant smashed another wall in its haste to leave. Ace pointed in another direction. "That way! We must go that way!" He and the pachyderm faded from sight.
Akane stood dumbfounded at what she saw. She turned to her sleeping female feline fiancée. "Ranma, we're going to have to pay a visit to Azusa and get back my P-Chan." She looked around the ruins of the backyard. "Ryoga? Where are you?" She was upset that he got lost again.
Ace Ventura rang the doorbell at the front door of the mansion. He had his monkey on his back and a pissed off pig hanging from a bandanna in his hand.
Azusa opened the door in glee. "You've brought back Charlotte... Oh... Pauline!" Azusa hopped onto Ace's back and grabbed his monkey. She hugged the monkey and spun around in joy. "Pauline! Pauline!" She ran back into the mansion and slammed the door shut.
Ace stood there holding a smug P-Chan. "I'm sending you a bill for that you know!" He turned to face the pig. "I guess she doesn't want you anymore." He dropped P-Chan and pulled out a pad and a pencil to start to making up his bill. "Let's see, car, monkey, food, lodging, airline ticket, fight, defeating Ranma, defeating Akane, new set of clothes, and… Hmmm..." He chewed on his pencil thinking about anything else he needed to add to the bill.
A voice came from behind. "A week's stay in the hospital."
"Yeah thanks. A week's stay in the... Huh?" Ace slowly turned to look at the enraged face of Ryoga Hibiki. The martial artist was damp, angry, naked and wore a bathroom towel around his waist.
Ryoga looked over his victim. "Any last words?"
Ace put on a pair of glasses. "You wouldn't hit an American with glasses, would you?"
"American eh? Thanks for the hint! You're off to Hawaii!" Ryoga aimed. "Shi-Shi-Hokodan!" Ace went flying into low earth orbit and after being airborne for several hours, he landed in a dumpster outside of his apartment building in Miami Florida.
Ace popped out of the dumpster with pencil in hand. "And a week's hospital stay." He fell over unconscious.
Ranma was sitting on the roof of the dojo. He was watching the sunset and felt utterly sorry for himself. Akane climbed up the ladder and sat next to her fiancée. "Don't worry Ranma, your secret's safe. No one was home at the time and Kasumi didn't see the fight."
Ranma punched his fists together. "That's not the point Akane. That technique is supposed to be foolproof."
"Well Ranma, you know that sooner or later you were going to meet your match."
"But I lost to that loser! That was humiliating! I've got to find a counter to his defense or it's the last thing I'll ever do."
"Well Ranma, shall I buy some more yarn and have Shampoo stop by to get you to Neko-Ken again?"
"For now, let's keep this between ourselves." Ranma stared into the sunset. "Mark my words, I'll find a counter measure and defeat him! Ranma Saotome never loses!"
Ace Ventura returned from the pawnshop after selling the trinkets he pilfered from Azusa's mansion. "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, I'm the best that there is! I never lose!" He sat in his couch and waited for the phone to ring. It rang and he answered. "Yes, we have Chicago style deep dish pizzas..."
A Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and prevents me from hiring Ace Ventura for any reason whatsoever.