A/N: So, Nathan has frustrated me ever since the beginning with his feelings and confusion, so I started to write. I actually wrote this all last year but never posted it. Having just finished Half Lost...I am surprised and very sad though I appreciate what the amazing Sally Green was trying for. Nathan isn't the kind of man who does 'happily ever after' we all knew this going into each book. Nathan has been through so much and there was no way he would be at peace and completely happy while he was alive because the scars of his life would always show on his skin. To give Nathan peace, to give him Gabriel, Sally Green gave us an ending worth shedding tears for. So I thank her. (P.S. Also doesn't help that I've read the ending to Half Lost fifty seven times in the past 4 days I've had the damn book.) I will never NOT love this series. Nathan and especially Gabriel, live on and in love inside my heart. So here is my way of showing it.
Why Am I Fighting This
I put my hand on his chest to stop him, but then I looked up into his face.
His eyes were so open. Showing me his concern, his adoration for me, his care. The flecks of gold tumbling around his irises almost hypnotizing me.
Without really thinking about it, my hand moved up his chest and over his shoulder to settle at the back of his neck. He was so close.
It felt so good to touch him. To be the center of his gaze, to have his strength by my side, his loyalty constantly at my back, keeping me going.
My eyes flicked for a second to his lips.
They were soft, I knew it from the last time he kissed me. But I didn't want him to kiss me.
I wanted to kiss him.
The thought was staggering and sudden, almost making me pull back from him, but his head tilted forward. Our foreheads rested against each other and my gaze was back on his eyes and I didn't move.
Everything inside me was hot and I wanted to touch him more, wanted to show him that I loved him too. Whether or not it was the same way he loved me.
My eyes fell closed and I pushed myself forward, his scent surrounding me, pulling me in.
The soft brush of his skin at my lips sent my mind tumbling like the gold in his eyes.
My fingers buried themselves in his hair, so soft and thick, while my other arm came up to wrap itself around his neck.
The wall I'd been leaning against was gone, and I realized suddenly that I had pulled myself flush against him, feeling the heat of his body covering me from chest to thighs as he kissed me harder.
I was so confused, so tight in my own skin. I wanted to crawl into him, to keep our bodies so close together not even Marcus could pry us apart.
His arms were around my waist in moments, squeezing me hard against him as our mouths opened as one, our tongues licking at each other.
He tasted like the fruits he'd been eating earlier and I loved that, loved that I was getting to share in the taste of something he enjoyed.
He was so strong against me, stronger than Annalise had ever been.
Annalise. I loved Annalise. I couldn't picture my life without her. Not for one second.
As much as I couldn't picture my life without Annalise, I couldn't picture surviving without Gabriel.
A soft noise escaped my throat at the thought of him leaving me. At the thought that he'd disappear from my side. I couldn't let that happen, couldn't let anyone kill him.
When he pulled away from me, I chased his kiss, but he wouldn't let me. Bumping our heads together, he held me close as I panted into the air between us, keeping my eyes closed and my hands digging into his hair and his shirt. The back of my eyes stung with the tears I didn't want to shed, because this hurt. It felt so good, so right, but it hurt and I don't know why.
Why was I fighting this too?
"Why did you do that Nathan?"
His voice was soft and there was no specific tone to his words. He was just waiting. Waiting for me to feel what I need to feel, to pull away if I need to. He understands what's going on inside me even if I don't.
"I don't know." I tell him in a whisper, because I can't break this moment, not right away. I need his strength.
"What about Annalise?" Gabriel askes, but there's not accusation anywhere on him, no push for an answer.
"I don't know." I say, almost desperately. I draw back a bit, but just enough to be able to hit our foreheads together in a show of frustration.
"She can't understand all of you Nathan." He tells me kindly. I know he's not pushing, I know he just wants me to be happy but I can't stop the anger from coming up.
"And you think you can? I'm a Black Witch Gabriel, but I'm a White Witch too. She sees that, sees the good in me, the White in me." I press his head against mine, trying to hurt him without letting go, because I can't. I can't let him go and I don't know why because I'm angry, furious in the face of his kindness.
"Ah Nathan, you are White, yes. She sees the White, and the good. But Nathan, that's all she sees. She may know you're Black, but she can't see it. You don't go to her when you feel the darkness come. You don't tell her about what you feel and who you are, because you know she won't be able to take it."
And he's right. I know he's right and that hurts. I want Annalise, I want to be happy with Annalise and free of the fighting and the pain, but I know I won't.
I can't hold my anger for him. His tone is light and caring. He isn't pushing me so he could have me, he's pushing me so I could see all of it. All the angles this thing between me and Annalise could take.
No she wouldn't understand it. Wouldn't love me if she knew.
I killed Kieran. Tore her brother apart.
It's so hard to think about her leaving me because of it, because I needed to protect myself, but she will. I know she will, she can't accept the fighting, the death. She's so pure and so White and I'm scared she'll leave because of what I am.
"I won't ever leave you." Gabriel's voice took me by surprise and I opened my eyes.
His gaze was hard and intense, the determination swimming in his eyes like the gold flecks. I didn't know what to say.
"Whatever you are, whoever you are Nathan, I won't leave your side. I will be here, always. Until I die. You are the most important thing to me. You are the only important thing to me. So even when she walks away, I will be beside you." Gabriel's voice is so strong and his grip around me so tight that I can't breathe.
He will. I know it inside my chest, he will be there when no one else will.
I want to be mad at him, want to feel something other than affection but I can't. I love him loads, and loads, but I don't know what kind of love.
But I have time.
Time to figure out what kind of feelings I have. He is giving me that, and that is why I can't be angry.
"Do you see the White?" I ask him quietly, because I need someone to see it inside me. I need someone to see the good and the bad and be okay with me. To love me.
"I've always seen the White Nathan." Gabriel answers with a small smile, his eyes shining as they stare at me. He's so close. "It's the Black I'm still discovering, and I love all of it. Every part of it, every little bit of you Nathan."
I knew he did.
Closing my eyes, I used the hand in his hair to bring his lips back down to mine and I kissed him. Deep and hard and sure. I devoured him so viciously, and he accepted all of it, just like he accepted all of me.
When we pulled back, I pulled away.
Annalise. I was supposed to be with Annalise.
Before I left the bathroom I looked back at him and he just stood there. His eyes closed and his face blank, his arms against his sides. Waiting.
He would wait until the day he died.
I realized something in that moment.
I wanted to be happy and at peace with Annalise, but I would be happy and okay with Gabriel too.
Why was I fighting this?
Because it's what I was expected to do. Just like my fight against the Counsel of White Witches, against Soul, just like my fight against the animal inside me. It's what I was expected to do.
So I would fight. Even if it was this.
And Gabriel would wait. He would wait until the day I was finally okay, finally done fighting.
So I turned away and left. Heading for the room where Annalise still slept.
I was supposed to be with Annalise. But I would wait for Gabriel, like he was waiting for me.