"HEEELP!" Kylo Ren was terrified behind his pointless mask, which he could barely see out of. He didn't understand why all graduates of the University for Evil Intergalactic Villains were required to wear them. Though his mask was incredibly fashionable if he did say so himself, it served no purpose.
His pulse was going 1000000 miles a minute. Cold sweat drenched his pale skin. He was lost in a land of crappy build-it-yourself Swedish furniture. He saw movement nearby. He automatically switched on his lightsaber, admiring the red blade and the power that radiated from it. It looked magnificent, especially as he gracefully swept through the air with the red blade. He swore as he accidentally sliced through what could be a couch. Or a table. It was so hard to tell with Ikea. He quickly regained control, and struck a threatening pose.
A weird creature who looked like a mix between Ted Cruz and a recently dissected frog approached, wearing a helpful Employee identification badge. "Meesa name ees Jar Jar Binks! Meesa help yousa?" Good god, was this guy annoying. Kylo Ren used the force to throw him into a wall. He was not in the mood to talk to anybody, especially this… thing.
"Meesa do something bad?" The lake monster looked up at him with something resembling puppy eyes. If a puppy made you want to vomit and kick at it when you looked at it. Considering that Kylo Ren was a Certified Puppy Kicking Champion™, it was strangely familiar.
"Yes, you were born, you pond scum. You, you- whatever you are." He snarled quietly, the mask making his already deep voice more intimidating. He silently applauded his performance. Kylo lived off of fear- other people's fear, that was. He found it amusing. Never mind the fact that when his father had laughed at him for being afraid of the dark when he was a young child, that certainly wasn't funny. And anyways, that was coming from someone named Han Solo.
"Meesa ees a Gungan, sir."
"You're not a Gungan. You're an idiot."
"Thatsa ees 'e defineesion of a Gungan, sirsa."
Kylo sighed, flipping back his recently dyed hair. It was already black, but you could always make it blacker. "Shut up, lesser being, and just show me where the exit is."
"Meesa don't know where it isa…"
Kylo Ren let out a tortured cry of rage that sounded like the over dramatic, moment-ruining noise Darth Vader made at the end of Revenge of the Sith. He put his lightsaber up to the creature's throat. He prepared to press it into its flesh, when suddenly a red lightsaber blocked his blow.
"Yousa made a gravy mistake. Meesa ees... a Sith Lord." The creature's eyes reflected malice. Or perhaps it was simply his ugly looks. It was so hard to tell sometimes.
Kylo Ren's blood ran cold, his eyes turned into slits, "No, you aren't. You're a scumbag."
"Meesa will usea tha forcea on yousa!" Darth Jar-Jar raised his hand and started grunting loudly.
"NOOOO! WHY DOES MEESA FORCE NOT WORK?"
"Because," answered Kylo. He raised his lightsaber, preparing to swipe at Jar-Jar. "You can't beat me. I'm the mostest bestest. I've got a tortured soul and a tortured past, just like every other villain ever. No one else can morer rager than me. No one can defeat me. Except for an untrained girl and her stormtrooper friend, but we don't talk about that."
"Your past isn't actually that tortured," a passing customer pointed out. It was a large and slightly rotten hand that had once belonged to Luke Skywalker. "You had a pretty good life, loving parents, and the potential to become my apprentice." But as the passing customer was a severed hand that can't speak, and also belonged at one point to Luke Skywalker, Kylo Ren neither wanted to nor could listen.
Having done nothing while that was happening, Kylo continued. "Have you seen my glamourous hair? Look at it. Look at how dark it is. It's ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!"
"Meesa can't see yousa hair. It be covered by a maska."
"Shut up!" With that, the Sith Lord tore off his fabulous mask, revealing his hair. " I use…. MTT-brand conditioner!"
He threw the mask aside dramatically.
"I'm like Samson. My power's in my hair." Kylo whispered seductively.
"Yousa have power in your hair?" Jar Jar Binks let out a deep, rumbling laugh. Actually, it was more like a shrill witch's screech. "Yousa think your hair has powerers? Yousa know NOTHING!"
With that, Jar Jar Binks reached up and gestured to the dangling weird ear things on either side of his face.
"Look at meesa...erm...hair? Meesa dyed it yeeseeterday just to be pretty."
"Pretty?" Kylo scoffed. "Pretty is for preps."
"Not when yousa got dramatic music!" He snapped, and with the power of the force, the elevator music pouring out of the Ikea speakers changed to the sensuous tone of Evanescence. "Meesa wake yousa up inside - with meesa fist. Also meesa tortured mind."
"N-no…" Kylo whispered. His thunder had been stolen. All graduates from the University for Evil Intergalactic Villains had scary masks, but only he had amazing hair. Until now. "I...have been out-emo'd." A single manly tear began to well up in his eye, but he blinked it back. "How can this be?"
"Hi Ben. Fancy seeing you here." Kylo Ren looked over to see his father leaning against a crate of furniture. His hair was perfect, his posture was slightly (and fashionably) slouched, and his hand was on his gun. He looked fantastic, except for the hole in his chest. Kylo felt a small feeling of guilt, which he quickly pushed away by humming The Final Countdown.
"I thought I killed you! How did you even get here?"
"I followed the sound of your emo whining, and followed you here. Son… the strength of your edgy soul… it was enough to pierce the veil."
The single tear fell, creating a thin track down Kylo's cheek and clearing a path through his combined Hot Topic and MTT-brand black spaghetti-flavored (don't judge, it was his favorite food) lipstick. "I… I woke you up inside."
"Son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non believers, the Plans that they had made?" Kylo Ren fondly remembered when he was a young boy and his father took him to see a space marching band. It was the first time he realized he was truly emo. The first time he was truly...happy. That was before he forced his father to unwillingly join the black parade.
That was when he knew that he didn't want to work for the Rebels. The stupid Rebels with their clean clothes and always happy colors. Like wearing black was a sin. It just wasn't Kylo. Kylo Ren had developed an obsession with emoism, inevitably leading him to the Dark side. He always related to his grandfather more than his mother or father.
"Mama….just killed a man….put a gun up to his head...pulled the trigger now he's dead…..moma, didn't mean to make you cry, just wanted Dad to die…." Kylo sang with all of the passion of a bamboo stalk being ripped apart during a hurricane.
"Son, I'm going to have to leave you soon. But before I go… are you happy?"
Kylo shook his head. "I'm not happy, dad. I'm… emo."
"Hi, Emo," said Han Solo. "I'm Dead." Han laughed at his own joke.
"ESCUUUSE MEESA….what eesa going on?"
"We are having a conversation here." Han snapped as he shot Jar Jar in the heart.
"Dad, you killed my enemy and one true love! :,(" Kylo cried. Like actually cried. Properly. Seven different brands of MTT-brand mascara and eyeliner streamed down his cheeks. He looked like an abstract painting. Or a piece of boring, plain, white paper with ink spilled on it. Same thing.
"He's an annoying bitch, son. Sometimes you just gotta shoot first." Han turned to the reader and winked. The reader winked back.
"He was the most emo person that I ever met, Dad, and you killed him! I hate you dad! I'll never forgive you!"
Han just laughed. "Ah, that brings back memories. Do you remember the first time you told me that you wished I would die on a supply run, son? Good times. Good…. times."
And then Kylo lost control. One word left his mouth, sending chills down Han's back. "Blood."
He stared at his father, before screaming like Yoda. He launched himself over Jar Jar, staring at the face of his beloved Gungan-idiot. He drank all of his blood. It tasted like a horrible character. The blood stained his lips like red lipstick, another brand to add to his already excessive quantity of lipstick brands.
"Woah, son, you're a vampire? Haha, I always knew my kid was messed up. I just thought you were a psycho punk. Now you are a teenage romance protagonist." Han remarked. "I gotta say, though, this revelation… it's pretty draining."
"This is not the time for puns, Dad! This is a time for no puns!" Kylo growled, strips of Jar Jar's flesh and flecks of blood spurting everywhere as he spoke. It was getting all over the model finansta dark grey Norsborg loveseat with birch paneling. It sells for $579.00 online.
"I'm not going to pay for that model finansta dark grey Norsborg loveseat with birch paneling," Han warned. "It sells for $579.00. I'm dead, and also America doesn't exist in this universe, so the dollar isn't a legal currency."
Kylo didn't answer. Jar Jar's blood tasted nice, like the old Star Wars trilogy before the decline of George Lucas's career as an artist. It was only when there was maybe an ounce of blood left in the Gungan's body that Kylo stopped, standing and wiping blood from his lips before he swept his hair back dramatically. Some of it got on his signed band shirt. He would have cried if it wasn't for the fake blood splatters on it already.
An entire orchestra played a soft love song, although they were quickly interrupted by a separate orchestra playing heavy metal music. At this point, the two orchestras began to compete to see who could play louder.
"Hey son, are you planning on staring at him the whole time while he's unconscious?" Han interrupted the clashing, swelling, dramatic music.
"I like watching him sleep." Kylo whispered, his eyes never leaving Jar Jar.
"Yousa…" a voice said, weakly, from below him. "Yousa saved me?"
Kylo stared at Jar Jar, hope shining through the emo veil of his soul. "Jar Jar?" He gasped, thrilled that his plan had worked. "You're okay?"
"Meesa body is okay, but meesa soul still sings with my Freudian teenage past." Yes, he was alright. Jar Jar opened his mouth, letting out a quiet gasp that was probably caused by the gaping gun wound in his chest and the gaping bite wound in his neck, revealing a set of fangs. "Yousa a vampire?"
"Now you are too," Kylo said. "We - Weesa can be vampires together."
"Haha oh boy do I miss being dead," said Han. "The reader at this point agrees with me." Han said, painfully breaking the fourth wall. "Even the author is cringing."
"I think, therefore, I am cringing," I said, and Han nodded.
"See? They agree with me!" But neither of them responded. "Welp, I'm just gonna go now. Take advantage of living while I can, go see my wife who I have an established, well developed, healthy, and non-incestuous relationship with. Three guesses as to what I'm vagueing about, and the first two don't count."
"Weesa rule the galaxy together," Jar Jar said, staring up into Kylo Ren's Kylo Ren-colored eyes.
"Okay," said Kylo Ren. There was a long pause. "But for that we need a Death Star in order to fulfill my weird feelings of idolization towards my maternal grandfather."
"Yousa pretty fucking messed up," said Jar Jar.
"Where will you get a Death Star, Kylo Ren?" Said the Reader.
Jar Jar, suddenly remembering that he was, in fact, an Ikea employee, and that was never a thing that had stopped happening, and that they were still in an Ikea, said, "Weesa sell these at Ikea. Theysa cost $579.00 each. That's as much as a finansta dark grey Norsborg loveseat with birch paneling."
"We can get one of those too," Kylo whispered. "For our beautiful apartment in the middle of the new new new Death Star. Except only if it comes in black." He leaned towards Jar Jar, cradling the Gungan's head in his arms, heads getting closer together….
Suddenly they all died in an explosion resulting from a bomb because the author was having regrets. Except Han, who was wantonly killed off in FA, and you know, technically, you can't kill a ghost.
Miraculously they survived the bomb because of their magical vampire-ish powers and the fact that Kylo Ren was wearing multiple brands of fireproof lipstick and makeup.
Kylo and Jar Jar tried to make the Death Star but the box it came from was missing the shield part : ( Yes, that was definitely the cause of their failure, and not the fact that the instructions were WRITTEN IN EIGHT LANGUAGES AND MOST LIKELY MISSING PAGES AND WAIT HAVE WE BEEN HOLDING THEM UPSIDE DOWN?
But that's okay because he got a job at the Space Ikea because the exit didn't exist.
And they lived (un)happily ever after because they were emo.
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