Here's something short and funny. Let's see if it will be more successful than my last attempt.
I do not own anything Legend of Zelda-related.
May 23, 2016 - Yesterday or so I took a peek at my own story and found a couple of mistakes, so I decided to iron them out.
With a heavy heart Princess Zelda crossed her bed chamber to look out of her window. Hyrule castle town was deserted, save for the monsters that were creeping about the streets. The buildings were ruined or burned down. Brave men and unfortunate town folk lay on the streets, not even allowed to rest in graves. Beyond the city walls, Hyrule field was barren, as far as the eye could see...
'Why...?' she silent questioned, a tear trickling down her cheek, 'Why did this have to happen...? Why did he do this to Hyrule?'
Although it had been several weeks since (or maybe months or even years already, she no longer knew) the princess remembered what had happened like it had only been this morning...
One day, the evil warlord Ganondorf had invaded Hyrule with an army of monsters, backed by evil sorcerers. Each of his underlings was fearless, merciless and brutal, but most of Hyrule's soldiers were accustomed to a quiet, uneventful life of peace, occasionally stopping and arresting a rowdy drunkard. Almost none had done any real fighting; many hadn't even seriously sparred during training!
But the most decisive factor had been Ganondorf himself!
He was a huge, muscular man and a powerful fighter, armed with a heavy, two-handed falchion that could cleave through platemail! And he could use magic to blast away enemies with shockwaves and energy blasts! But his deadliest, most destructive power was the one that allowed him to turn into a three-men high monster! It had the head and hind legs of a black, demonic boar, but the torso and arms of a giant!
The princess remembered how this beast had broken through the city's gate, and how it had trampled and hewed down her soldiers with two man-high broad scimitars. Then Ganondorf's army had rushed through the broken gate and soon had killed the rest of Hyrule's army and conquered the city.
And now here she was, Princess Zelda of Hyrule, holder of the Triforce of Wisdom, chosen of the golden goddess Nayru, a prisoner in her own land, in her own castle, in her own bed chamber.
But what pained her most was that all of this could have been prevented...
All throughout the history of Hyrule, there had been princesses before her; princesses that were given the same name as her, who had held her Triforce piece before her, and, if the old legends could be believed, were her past incarnations and ultimately the various reincarnations of the goddess Hylia; and many of them had recorded what had befallen during their eras, hoping to warn the Zeldas of the future of what might fall upon them during their eras.
In the end though, despite all their warnings and records they had been unable to provide any substantial advice...
At least that was the opinion of the current Princess.
"'Do whatever you can to hold back whatever evil threatens your people to protect them...And never give up hope! No matter how dire the situation becomes... Have faith in the goddesses and be patient!'" the princess recited sarcastically, "'For the hero of destiny shall surely appear. He will vanquish whatever evil plagues your land and will set you and your people free...'"
Her smile was void of any sort of good emotion.
"'And when you meet him, learn to love him and be sure to take him as your husband! Let nothing and no one stand between you and keep him at your side no matter what! Give yourself to him wholly: body, heart and soul! With him at your side you will soon have your country rebuilt... And whether he chooses to rule alongside you as your king or not; whatever and whoever he chooses to be, he will forever be your most trustworthy and loyal adviser and companion. But most importantly, he will treasure you and your heart: every day with him will be filled with bliss; he will bring you more joy and happiness than you ever felt before; and with him you shall bear the loveliest children a mother could have...'"
Slowly, she broke into out a grim, hysteric laughter. Her dark amusement was soon replaced by raw fury.
"Well?! Where is this hero now?!" She screamed, "He is supposed to defeat Ganondorf and free us all from his evil! Where is he?!"
Just then she heard someone quietly unlocking the door to her room.
'They couldn't have come at a better time...' She sadly thought.
"Well...what now? ...have you come to force yourself upon me...?" She didn't care anymore... broken, she turned around...
And flinched back in surprise!
In the doorway stood not Ganondorf or one of his monsters but a young hylian! A young hylian man with sapphire-blue eyes and golden-blond hair, clad in leaf-green traveling clothes! And he stared at her dumbfoundedly.
"U-um..." He slowly shook his head.
It took the princess a few moments to realize that he had heard her outrageous question and was declining her... proposal.
"U-um..." the princess didn't know what to say; she had not expected this princely-looking hylian!
"W-who are you...?"
The young man took off his floppy green cap and bowed as best and proper he could. Then he proceeded to explain.
'...his name is Link?... he is part of the Hyrulean Liberation Army?... it is a resistance movement that is opposing Ganondorf and his army?... they have already liberated most of Hyrule?! ...he has come to rescue me?... he DEFEATED GANONDORF AND HIS HENCHMEN?!' Now the princess knew that she had truly gone mad!
"F- forgive me... but I find all this hard to believe." How did she manage to speak coherently? "I have seen the strength of Ganondorf and his army... my men were powerless against them...! Ganondorf alone slayed dozens and dozens of soldiers!"
All of a sudden she found her rescuer's hands gently on her arms, just below her shoulders. His eyes were looking right into her eyes... into her soul even, she felt. And his words touched her very being.
'...don't worry...? ...everything is alright now...? ...trust him...? ...go with him...? ...to safety...?'
She startled when his warm, strong hand took her own and led her out of her chamber. The princess was so entranced by the fell of his hand that she barely noticed their surrounding...
Until they came into the throne room!
"I don't believe it..."
She slipped out of her rescuer's hold and hesitantly made her way to one side of the room...
There, lying before her, was the massive bulk of Ganondorf's beast-form... dead.
'I cannot believe this... Ganondorf is dead!' soon her thoughts grew joyous, 'He's dead! ...Link spoke the truth! He defeated Ganondorf! And that means- That means-! Everything else Link has said is true as well! Hyrule is free! My people are safe! It's just like my ancestors said! They were right all along! The hero of destiny has come! And he did save my kingdom and my people! I never should have doubted their words... Everything they said has come to pass! Everything came true! Every-'
She halted her thoughts as she realized something...
'...no... not everything...'
The next moment she nearly jumped! A hand had fallen on her shoulder! She turned and her eyes met once more those of her rescuer's.
"U-um..." she had made her decision, but how to word it? "...Link -no. ...Sir Link...? No."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Brave hero..." she finally said, "You have done so much for me already... and I can never reward you enough..."
'This is it...'
"...but there is one issue that I need you to address..."
Her rescuer, though mystified, nodded his affirmation.
Light assaulted her eyes, through her closed eyelids. Groggily she sat up. To her dismay, the princess was still inside her bed chamber, still inside her holding cell.
'...it was only a dream...' she bitterly realized, '...how cruel the goddesses can be...'
She briefly wondered what was worse; that the goddesses had mocked her misery by sending her such a beautiful dream or that they had let her wake up at all... Honestly, why didn't they take pity on her and have her sleep and dream, never to wake up again...
Tired and miserable, the princess laid back down... hoping that she could find escape in sleep once more...
'...seriously...?' the princess thought annoyed, '...haven't I suffered enough already...? ...Ganondorf invades my country... slaughters my soldiers... enslaved and torments my people... holds me captive, just to make me watch... the goddesses send me beautiful dreams only to have me wake to a real nightmare... And now my own pillow denies me sleep by thumping like a heart!'
'...my pillow...? ...thumps like a heart?!'
Slowly... anxiously... the princess peered at what she was lying on...
Suddenly she sat up; eyes wide, mouth agape!
'But that is-! He is-! But this cannot be! He is-! He is-!'
'Link...? ...he is real...? I... I didn't just dream him up?! But-! But then-!'
It wasn't just a dream...
The princess looked upon her savior in awe, still unable to believe it... slowly though... the sight before her convinced her. And reassured her.
'...thank you, hero...'
Soon her expression melted into endearment.
'...he looks so peaceful when he sleeps... so adorable!... so charming!... so- undressed?!'
Indeed he was.
'Why is he undressed?!'
A thought occurred to her and she quickly looked at herself!
'WHY am I undressed?!'
She frantically tried to make sense of the situation! But then, another realization hit her!
'WHY ARE WE SHARING A BED?!'
desperately she tried to think... and then memory returned!
'The whole dream was real?! Even the ridiculous part where I went along with my ancestors' hare-brained suggestion?! Last night actually HAPPENED?!'
'...all those embarrassing things I said to him...
...all those indecent things I did to him...
...all those indescribable things he did to me!
All those scandalous things we did together!
The ABSOLUTELY SHAMELESS way I behaved!
...It certainly would explain why her hips felt so sore and numb...
Another thought struck her and her eyes and hands flew to her stomach. 'Could I be...? Am I...? ...rather... How can I NOT be?! After THAT night... Even infertility couldn't have stopped it!'
Overwhelmed by the reality of things, Princess Zelda fell back unto her rescuer's shoulder, though unconsciousness refused to take her.
'This is... mortifying! I cannot believe that I really did all that...' Whatever am I supposed to do now?! What will I-'
The next moment the princess found herself in the gentle embrace of her rescuer; he had rolled unto her in his sleep and taken her into his arms. At first the princess was dumbfounded but soon snuggled into his embrace...
'...I will never question my wise ancestors ever again...'
With that, she relaxed in his arms and went to sleep...
But something was poking her.
She took a quick peep down and blushed. Then she sighed in mild annoyance.
'Unbelievable... We spent practically the whole of last night relentlessly making passionate love to each other, we both barely slept, he is not even awake and already he craves for more! Does he find me that desirable?!'
Despite her irritation she help but find the idea... flattering.
'Oh well... after all he did... I suppose he deserves my generosity...'
Whatever mortification she had felt earlier that morning was NOTHING compared to the mortification she felt after her... thoughtfulness.
'WHY HASN'T ANYONE BROUGHT IT TO MY KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN A MAN IS UPRIGHT IN THE MORNING IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DESIRE?!'
'Hope you liked this story. The changes I made were not too many and may not be apparent but oh well.
I got an interesting idea for another funny M-rated LOZ story, but I'm not going to do it. 'Just don't feel like it. Maybe one of you would like to?
The idea goes like this:
LOZ Skyward Sword: Zelda is with Link. Karane is with Pipit. Kina is with Keet. The three girls compare notes how life is with their boyfriends. They wonder who among the three boys is the best lover/boyfriend. So the girls decide to hold a "competition to see". They either Have an orgy where each girl tries out each boy, or the couples compete in love-making; meaning whichever boy manages to "satisfy" his girlfriend first wins.
I guess I'm proposing a challenge here: The Best Boyfriend of Skyloft - Challenge.