Author Notes: Hello again, everyone! This is... well, I can't even remember what my daughter and I were talking about when this idea took hold of us, but it refused to go away. It's pure and utter crack so please leave common sense and logical thinking at the door before you read. Enjoy :)
General Warnings: Pure crack, some fanon facts and severe OOCness. A couple of spoilers for the Akatsuki members, but nothing really earth shattering.
Characters: The Akatsuki
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.
- Chapter Start -
It was a quiet period for the Akatsuki while they waited for the right time to go after the Tailed Beasts. In the meantime, they carried out small missions in their two men teams and met once a month at the Akatsuki Headquarters, a large bungalow located somewhere in the Land of Water.
Things had been pretty boring of late so White Zetsu decided today's meeting would be the perfect opportunity for some fun. After all, a group of S-ranked ninja with nothing much to do was not a good thing. It could lead to discontent, disgruntlement, discord and outright bloodshed if not taken care of.
An hour before the meeting, he stole away to Nagato's room with a large bottle of potent sake. Nagato was a lightweight so getting him drunk wasn't difficult, not with some light chatter to ease the way. Zetsu watched in gleeful satisfaction when those Rinnegan eyes started to cloud with the effects of alcohol after only the fourth cup. Nagato's words soon started slurring as well.
This meeting should prove quite... entertaining... if nothing else.
- o -
An hour later...
One by one, the Akatsuki members filed into the dining room (which doubled up as their meeting room) and took their usual seats. They exchanged quiet words of greetings which went unheard the moment Deidara appeared in the doorway, thanks to Tobi's excited 'Deidara-sempai, over here, over here! Your seat is beside Tobi!' Pein went to sit at the head of the table with Konan on his right and Itachi on his left, both of them noticing his rather unsteady walk.
As soon as everyone was settled and quiet, Pein cleared his throat.
"Thank you for coming.. Let's get started on this month's meeting."
There was an expectant pause as everyone stared at him. When the pause extended to half a minute and then a whole minute, they gave each other puzzled glances.
"Do we have a new mission, Pein?" Konan finally prompted.
"Yesh!" Pein slammed a fabulously manicured hand on the table, making everyone jump. "A new misshion it ish!"
The other members frowned at his unaccustomed slurring of words.
"What sort of mission?" Kisame asked, reaching a hand over his shoulder to touch the handle of Samihada. "An assassination? Multiple assassinations?"
Pein shook his head.
"A misshion to get ush new uniforms," he stated solemnly.
Everyone's eyebrows flew up, even Tobi's which were hidden behind his orange swirly mask.
"We're changing uniforms? What's wrong with the ones we've got?" groused Kakuzu.
"And why, for Jashin's sake, is it a mission?" asked Hidan, looking perplexed.
"But these are still new! Aren't they, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked the blond ninja beside him. When he was ignored, he looked around the table. "Aren't they?"
"Not to mention the black background goes well with the red clouds," Itachi added.
"Heh. Some mission," Deidara drawled, rolling his blue eyes.
"New uniforms," Pein insisted, swaying a bit in his chair. "In fact, I shall shelect the desighn myshelf. Right now."
Ignoring the uneasy and suspicious expressions, he looked around and caught sight of a stack of new magazines on the sideboard. Each Akatsuki member subscribed to a different monthly publication, all of which were delivered to this address.
"Pleashe bring those here, Konan."
Konan hesitated before getting the magazines and placing them in front of Pein.
"Thank you. Itachi, pick a number from one to ten," Pein ordered.
"Seven," replied Itachi without missing a beat, his eyes narrowed.
Pein started counting through the stack while the others stared at him in growing alarm. He fished out the seventh magazine and placed it on top of the pile. Everyone immediately leaned forward to peer at the cover and blanched before turning to glare at Konan. She ignored them.
It wasn't her fault they didn't care for a woman's magazine, was it?
"Deidara, pick a number from one to one hundred," Pein said next, his Rinnegan eyes pinning the blond to his seat.
Deidara gulped, feeling the weight of those eyes and everyone else's on him. A drop of sweat trickled down his cheek.
"This is going to explode in our faces," he muttered and squeezed his eyes shut. "Centre spread!"
Pein pulled out the magazine from its plastic wrap and started rifling through the pages. As the others stared at him with wide eyes and bated breaths, Konan noticed White Zetsu trembling with what looked like suppressed mirth, his lips pressed tightly together. Her golden eyes flashed angrily when she realised what must have happened to make Pein behave like this, but she kept silent.
"Centre spread," Pein announced and slapped the open magazine on the table.
Everyone jumped up to take a look and then collapsed back in their seats, faces going white with shock. The two pages featured nothing but wedding gowns.
"Is this some sort of joke!" hissed Kisame in disbelief.
"You must be out of your mind!" howled Kakuzu, his light green eyes glowing. "What a waste of money!"
"For the love of Jashin..." Hidan shook his head, unable to get anymore words out.
Deidara covered his face with his hands and sank lower in his seat while Tobi bounced up and down beside him, uttering excited squeaks.
"There are nine deshigns here sho we will each choose a different one," Pein stated. "I want to shee everyone wearing their new uniforms when we meet again thish time next week."
He stood up, listed a bit to one side, righted himself and swayed out of the room, oblivious to the explosion of furious protests behind him.
Only two people were silent. The first was White Zetsu, his expression now resembling one who had set a trap only to catch himself in it. The second was Konan whose lips kept twitching as she fought back a smile. Calmly, she drew the open magazine towards her, circled two of the designs and wrote her name and Pein's on them. She then got up and went to the door before looking over her shoulder.
"I've already selected my design and Pein's so I suggest you all do the same," she said. Everyone stopped squabbling, stared at her and then at the magazine.
Konan smiled at the mad scramble which ensued. She had selected for herself the only wedding gown which didn't have a single ruffle, flounce or lace on it. The second most simple design was for Pein. As far as she was concerned, the others could just fight over the remaining seven designs.
She went off to look for Nagato, humming a little under her breath. He would be horrified once he came back to his senses, but it was too late. He had already made his decision via Pein. As for Konan, she couldn't wait for next week's meeting!
- Chapter End -
A/N: Thank you for reading! Worth continuing? :)