Hermione Granger and Severus Snape.

A parody of all those strange, no erm imaginative Snape/Hermione fics.

Author's Note: In writing this parody I do not intend to offend any fanfiction writers, S/H fans, Lavender/Ron supporters, Arabella Figg Lovers, J.K Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner brothers, those scary legal people, Americans, cliché lovers or giraffes. Although I must admit I find it highly amusing when I do.

Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, Pansy Parkinson, Hannah Abbot and all the other seventh years were, erm, in their seventh year.

It was a time of trouble and turmoil for the wizarding world. There would have been chaos if the author knew how to spell it. Nobody knew where Lord Voldemort and his followers would attack next. People lived in fear for their families, in terror of the imperious curse…and soap reruns.

Harry Potter was stalked by an ever moving, over described cloud-like thing, otherwise known as Lord Voldemort.

Severus Snape was a spy for Dumbledore. He lived a dangerous life risking life and limb for honesty, courage, truth and over used adjectives. He was dark, mysterious and as usual teaching seventh year potions the second day of the new school year.

Hermione Granger was sat at the back of Snape's dungeon with Harry and Ron. Ron had grown even taller over the summer, so he looked down on both his friends. Harry had become a bit edgy (what with an evil overlord trying to murder him and all). Hermione was just Hermione, although she was prettier and had lightened up a tiny bit from work... so that she could worry about Voldemort more.

"Snape doesn't look well does he?" Stated Hermione, proving that she still had her talent for stating the obvious. Snape was looking unusually pale and greasy. He was dragging his right leg slightly and had a nasty cut on his cheek. They noticed it first when he had "swept" into the room. A talent he had been perfecting since college.

The class began to work on their potions. To make the "romance" more plausible Snape had stopped being nasty to the Gryffindaws. The authors' lead us to believe that this is because he was just doing this to make up for his lonely childhood. Either that or he was just a sadistic bastard.

Anyway he walked down the middle of the room, where Hermione was working alone at her bench. Has anyone else noticed that Ron and Harry always sit together leaving Hermione alone? I have, its not very fair on Hermione is it? Considering she's the only one with half a brain.

So Snape stops in front of Hermione and suddenly clings to her desk, as he is filled by agonising pain. (Left over from when Voldemort was torturing him the night before.)

Enough scene setting. Let the story begin.

"Are you alright professor?" Asked Hermione. Looking at her collapsing teacher in concern.

"Fine Miss Granger." Replied Snape in an un-greasy voice. For a second their eyes met and Hermione returned to her potion, with the feeling that Snape wasn't quite as bad as everyone thought.


Over the coming weeks Hermione watched Snape. He was becoming evermore pale and ill looking.

The next week the first plot device sets in...I mean there was a storm… at night.

It shook the walls of the school.

Hermione got out of bed. She decided it was the perfect time to look for clues. (Because something evil had to be going on in the school this is a "Harry Potter" fanfic).

So Hermione started wondering round the school in her nightie, fluffy slippers and dressing gown. She decided that the best place to search for clues was the library. As when in doubt that is where us fanfiction writers send Hermione.

Infact the library is one of the most overused rooms in fanfic. It appears to be an ideal place to find plot devices hidden as books, snog the foreign exchange students, be asked out by Draco Malfoy, sketch, have a blazing argument and spy on the evil people. If Madame Pince knew of half the "goings on" in the library her hair would turn green.

Yet it was here that Hermione, being a typical fan fiction character decided to look for clues. She, for some completely cliché reason, decided to look in the "invisibility" section. Suddenly two shadowy figures entered the library, and began a conversation essential to the plot. The characters were of course Dumbledore and Snape.