Hermione Granger and Severus Snape.
A parody of all those strange, no erm
imaginative Snape/Hermione fics.
Author's Note: In writing this parody I
do not intend to offend any fanfiction writers, S/H fans, Lavender/Ron
supporters, Arabella Figg Lovers, J.K Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner brothers,
those scary legal people, Americans, cliché lovers or giraffes. Although I must
admit I find it highly amusing when I do.
Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron
Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, Pansy
Parkinson, Hannah Abbot and all the other seventh years were, erm, in their
It was a time of trouble
and turmoil for the wizarding world. There would have been chaos if the author
knew how to spell it. Nobody knew where Lord Voldemort and his followers would
attack next. People lived in fear for their families, in terror of the
imperious curse…and soap reruns.
Harry Potter was stalked by
an ever moving, over described cloud-like thing, otherwise known as Lord
Severus Snape was a spy for Dumbledore.
He lived a dangerous life risking life and limb for honesty, courage, truth and
over used adjectives. He was dark, mysterious and as usual teaching seventh
year potions the second day of the new school year.
Hermione Granger was sat at the
back of Snape's dungeon with Harry and Ron. Ron had grown even taller over the
summer, so he looked down on both his friends. Harry had become a bit edgy
(what with an evil overlord trying to murder him and all). Hermione was just
Hermione, although she was prettier and had lightened up a tiny bit from
work... so that she could worry about Voldemort more.
"Snape doesn't look well does he?"
Stated Hermione, proving that she still had her talent for stating the
obvious. Snape was looking unusually pale and greasy. He was dragging his
right leg slightly and had a nasty cut on his cheek. They noticed it first when
he had "swept" into the room. A talent he had been perfecting since college.
The class began to work on
their potions. To make the "romance" more plausible Snape had stopped being
nasty to the Gryffindaws. The authors' lead us to believe that this is because
he was just doing this to make up for his lonely childhood. Either that or he
was just a sadistic bastard.
Anyway he walked down the
middle of the room, where Hermione was working alone at her bench. Has anyone
else noticed that Ron and Harry always sit together leaving Hermione alone? I
have, its not very fair on Hermione is it? Considering she's the only one with
half a brain.
So Snape stops in front of Hermione and
suddenly clings to her desk, as he is filled by agonising pain. (Left over from
when Voldemort was torturing him the night before.)
Enough scene setting. Let the story begin.
"Are you alright professor?" Asked
Hermione. Looking at her collapsing teacher in concern.
"Fine Miss Granger." Replied Snape in an
un-greasy voice. For a second their eyes met and Hermione returned to her
potion, with the feeling that Snape wasn't quite as bad as everyone thought.
Over the coming weeks Hermione
watched Snape. He was becoming evermore pale and ill looking.
The next week the first plot device sets
in...I mean there was a storm… at night.
It shook the walls of the school.
out of bed. She decided it was the perfect time to look for clues. (Because
something evil had to be going on in the school this is a "Harry Potter"
So Hermione started
wondering round the school in her nightie, fluffy slippers and dressing gown.
She decided that the best place to search for clues was the library. As when in
doubt that is where us fanfiction writers send Hermione.
Infact the library is one of the
most overused rooms in fanfic. It appears to be an ideal place to find plot
devices hidden as books, snog the foreign exchange students, be asked out by
Draco Malfoy, sketch, have a blazing argument and spy on the evil people. If
Madame Pince knew of half the "goings on" in the library her hair would turn
Yet it was here that Hermione,
being a typical fan fiction character decided to look for clues. She, for some
completely cliché reason, decided to look in the "invisibility" section.
Suddenly two shadowy figures entered the library, and began a conversation
essential to the plot. The characters were of course Dumbledore and Snape.