A/N: This is a literary adaptation of something extremely funny that happened a few years back while I was staying at my in-laws for the . Basically we were all having tea, except for my husband's little brother and his girlfriend. I don't want to spoil it for you...so I'll just say that I nearly die of laughter anytime I think back at what happened.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, which as we all know belong to JKR.


Four people sat silently around a wooden table in one of the many rooms of Malfoy Manor, quietly sipping their hot tea.

Theodore Nott had never been in that particular room before, but then again, the Manor was so big that it would probably take him three days to explore all of it. The main wing was shut, as Narcissa was redecorating it, insisting that her son's fiancée shouldn't be reminded of dark times anytime she stepped into the drawing room.

That was why they all ended up in a small, elegant yet cosy, tea room right below Draco's sleeping quarters.

Theo glanced up and met Blaise's gaze, the dark skinned wizard was quirking an eyebrow questioningly, wordlessly asking what was taking Draco and Granger so long. Theo shook his head and threw a glance at the Lady of the Manor. Narcissa was sitting upright, a bit stiffly, and looked all the way a Royal. Her hair was neatly styled in an updo, her skin was flawless and her delicate hands were clutching her mug a little too tightly, the only thing that gave up her annoyance.

Theo then move his gaze to his left, where Lucius Malfoy was sitting comfortably, an amused expression gracing his otherwise severe features.

The silence was becoming unbearable, so he cleared his throat and spoke "So…how are the preparations for the wedding faring?"

Narcissa clutched her mug even thighter. Wrong question, you idiot thought Theo, mentally berating himself.

It was Lucius who answered "In full effect, my boy. Even though my future daughter-in-law isn't making things any easier for us. She's very…opinionated, she is. My dearest Narcissa had her fair share of drama to deal with in the past few months…" he trailed off, clearly implying that a change of subject was in order.

Blaise came to his rescue and asked "How is the redecoration process going, then?", while Theo held his breath, hoping for this topic to be a safe one. Narcissa visibly relaxed and smiled at the Italian wizard "My dear, everything is going wonderfully. This morning I've chosen the new colours and tomorrow I will meet the Chief Designer to go through the latest furniture catalogues…"

Theo was nodding at all the right times, without really paying attention. He still couldn't believe that his best friend was going to get married to Hermione Granger of all people! Three years prior they had been forced to work together to develop a new Potion, and they all remembered too well those first weeks. Draco was constantly snapping at everyone, and Granger was threatening to hex all those who'd dare suggest that a less confrontational relationship might benefit their work. How exactly they went from wanting to hex the living daylights out of each other to getting married was still a mystery. They probably had found some common ground, and built their relationship from there. The dark haired wizard was still lost in thought when he heart it for the first time.

It was a distant, background noise.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

No one else in the room seemed to have noticed, as they were all still sipping their tea, Narcissa still going on about that wonderful Italian leather sofa she so wanted to buy. Perfect, he was imagining things.

He ventured a glance towards Lucius and saw that he was glancing around discreetly. So maybe he wasn't imagining things, then. But…there was nothing amiss. Apart from the fact that Draco and Granger were still missing.

He shrugged his shoulders and resolved to ignore the tricks his fervid imagination was playing him. Only, when he was about to sip from his mug he heard it again.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

This time he locked eyes with Blaise, who had seemed to hear the strange noise too. Where was it coming from? And most importantly…what was causing it?

Narcissa wa ill at ease, that much was clear, but she pretended all was fine and said 'The Builders must have resumed working on the East Wing…'

Lucius smirked and said 'Possibly, my dear. Would you like another cup of tea?'

Narcissa smiled and nodded, and Blaise rushed to fill her cup before Lucius could get up.

There was an eerie quietness in the room, and Theo was about to relax when…

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! SQUEAK!

Theo was trying to discern the sound, which, after a quick analysis could only be described as the squeak of rusty metal. Almost like an old sprung mattress…

And that's when it dawned on him.

He instinctually glanced towards Blaise, to seek confirmation of his suspicions…and the blasted man was hiding his mouth behind the mug trying his hardest not to laugh. Their eyes met and they wordlessly agreed on the source of the noise.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

They were right below Draco's room, after all.

Theo dared throwing a glance at Narcissa, and the poor woman was about to have a fit. Her cheeks were flushed, her hands were twisting hysterically on her lap, the tea long forgotten. She was resolutely avoiding anyone's gaze, staring pointedly at a spot behind her husband's head.

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

They were sure having a go at it.

Blaise cleared his throat and said "You have the most wonderful roses in your garden this year, Narcissa". The woman nodded, a strained smile on her face.

Lucius smirked again 'Yes, a glorious bed of roses, really…"

Theo chocked on his tea and started coughing violently. Blaise waved his hand and whispered Anapneo and Theo could feel air fill his lungs, then they both turned towards Lucius, who made no attempt to conceal his smirk.

So he did say that on purpose, the evil man!

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!

For the love of Merlin! What was going on up there? The Sex Olympics Games?

That Draco had no decency whatsoever was a fact, but Granger? She was supposed to be the rational one!

Lucius took pity of his wife and with a wave of his wand turned the gramophone on, a warm jazzy song filled the room.

"Amazing tune, a truly seductive, alluring sound, don't you think so boys?" asked the Malfoy patriarch, feigning innocence.

Blaise opened his mouth to answer but…

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEEEEEEEEEAK!

Oh, for the love of Salazar! Theo discreetly put his hand in an inner pocket of his robes and found his fake Galleon, equipped with a Protean Charm and used as a mean of communication with Draco.

He clutched the object and thought Bed a little too noisy, hoping that Draco would get the hint.

Blaise was silently watching his moves and understanding lit his dark eyes. He discreetly winked and resumed sipping his third cup of tea. How he hadn't peed himself yet, was a mystery to Theo.

Lucius was whistling merrily, completely disregarding his wife's unease. That man was a real piece of work!

Narcissa was as pale as a sheet, her mouth a thin white line. She was furious, but was trying to conceal her anger, for the sake of appearances. She forced out a strangled "When exactly is our son going to come?"

Alas, it was the wrong thing to say, as both Theo and Blaise started snickering inside their mugs, their eyes watering.

Lucius smiled reassuringly, and, as if nothing had happened, said "I expected him to at least ten minutes ago…it's quite impressive"

Theo's eyes bulged.

"His lateness, obviously" specified the blond man smugly.

They all went quiet, the noise had ceased.

Draco had probably gotten the message, good.

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

Theo's startled gaze met Blaise's, and they simultaneously came to the same conclusion. Their friend must have moved the action from the bed to the floor. Narcissa was sure to have a coronary attack soon, the poor thing.

She spoke through clenched teeth "What exactly is keeping our son?", though it was clearly a rhetorical question, as the nature of Draco's activities was pretty clear.

Lucius apparently thought his wife expected an actual answer, or rather decided to make her even more uncomfortable by saying "Oh, I'm sure he'll come soon enough, darling".

Narcissa stiffened and kept pretending nothing was happening, while Blaise gave in to the urge of being an idiot and mused out loud "I wonder how much pounding can a…floorboard take" causing Lucius to smile in amusement and Narcissa to gasp in outrage.

Theo thought 'Fuck it, I might as well have some fun', turned towards Blaise, the most serious expression he could muster, and said "I wouldn't worry, Draco is clearly nailing it"

Blaise smirked back, Lucius tried his best to remain poised, as it would be expected from him, while Narcissa was clearly on the verge of angry tears.

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

The Malfoy Matriarch stomped his foot on the ground and yelled "For Merlin's sake, that's quite enough!", while the three men did their best not to burst out laughing.

Lucius turned towards his wife with a condescending look on his face and said "My dear, are you suggesting that we should interrupt your son and future daughter-in-law while they might be engaged in-"

Narcissa raised her hand and yelled "DON'T!"

"Don't say it out loud. Just, don't –Narcissa said through gritted teeth – If you do…it will make it REAL"

Lucius quirked an eyebrow and carried on unperturbed "I didn't know you had something against…"

"Lucius…" said Narcissa threateningly

"…carpentry", finished the blond man smugly.

Theo and Blaise were snickering in their respective mugs, while Narcissa narrowed her eyes at her husband.

No one noticed that the noise had stopped, and less than five minutes later a very smug-looking Draco and an extremely dishevelled Hermione entered the room, holding hands.

"Sorry we kept you waiting, Mother –said Draco apologetically- Father must have forgotten to mention we would be having tea in this room, at four" he added while pointedly staring at Malfoy Senior.

Theo turned towards Lucius and found him feigning innocence "I apologise, Draco. I had more pressing issues to deal with, it must have slipped my mind…"

His son scoffed and waved his hand, while pulling Granger ("I really should start referring to her as Hermione now") towards an empty couch.

The former Gryffindor sat down, then turned towards Narcissa and said "It's nice to see you, Narcissa. Thanks for inviting me for tea"

The blond woman nodded a bit stiffly, but managed to say "Yes, we're all very glad you finally managed to come, dear", eliciting more snickering from Theo and Blaise.

A tray of food appeared on the wooden table and Lucius clapped his hands in delight "Food, finally. I bet you're all very hungry, aren't you Draco?"

Draco nearly incinerated his father with his steely gaze, but managed to say "Very hungry indeed, Father".

Hermione, bless her, was seemingly oblivious to the tension in the room, or at least, the reason for it. She smiled nervously at both Theo and Blaise and turned towards Lucius "Oh, I'm starving Mr. Malfoy! And the food looks delicious!"

The blond man smirked and leaned over the table to grab a dish, then he turned towards his soon-to-be daughter-in-law and said "I bet you'd love a nice, warm sausage, my dear"

Narcissa started coughing, Theo and Blaise couldn't stop snickering and Draco simply narrowed his eyes and kept staring at his father, who seemed to enjoy the tense atmosphere more than he should have. Hermione was staring at the occupants of the room, nonplussed and a little puzzled, but soon turned towards Draco's father and said "Oh, I have to decline, Mr. Malfoy, I've already had salami earlier today and I really feel like eating some…"

"Burrito?" asked Blaise michieviously

"Or maybe an Eggroll?" suggested Theo, winning a death glare from his blond best friend.

Hermione looked from one boy to another confusedly and sighed "You know what? I thought I've had enough, but I'll go for another Wiener after all"

The end -