A/N: as you know SM wrote twilight and now you know that I wrote this.

I've had this bunny bouncing around my head for quite some time and recently posted about 3 chapters worth on a page for one of our own who is putting up a courageous fight against cancer. So the goal was to write something that would be fun, uplifting, you understand. I decided to continue it, so here is a different Bella and a different Edward and both in a different setting. I hope you like it.


Chap 1 - welcome to SPAM

Bella was having a terrible, no good, very bad day... and she had no idea what was ahead.

Today was the day graduates from United States Secret Service (USSS) training program were selected for placement with Departments and assignments.

As the top recruit in her graduating class, she was up for selection for some of the most elite teams in the USSS. She was hoping for the Presidential or the Vice-Presidential security team

However, there were a couple of obstacles and Bella knew it. She was small and although she'd aced her self defence class, her size didn't exactly inspire confidence.

The POTUS protection squad members were all six foot at least and she was just five two. In training when she was out running beside the car you could barely see her above the roof. It was a problem. She knew it, her colleagues knew it and her bosses knew it.

Bella was not only small she also looked young; she looked very young. She actually looked like about sixteen even though she was in fact twenty-four.

She would've been an ideal agent for the previous President who had teenage daughters needing a protection squad but just her luck that this President, though a lovely man was in fact older than dirt, so no teenage daughters needing protection there.

The Selection Committee had a problem. The rules of equity in the Department meant that recruits for elite teams had to be selected according to their qualifications and performance, with no other bias. Bella Swan was the best of the best. No argument. She excelled at it all. So they had a problem: what to do with the best candidate they'd had for years from the Academy.

The Committee's problem was short-lived, however, when the choice was taken from them as the Director of a squad so secret the Secret Service didn't know who they were or what they did, walked into the Selection Committee room, silently picked up Bella Swan's file, but no other, and then turned around and left.

Meanwhile Isabella Swan's day had gotten off to a fairly rocky start; she'd received a call to say the apartment she'd been renting was being sold and she had two weeks to get out. Her shower ran cold, again, so she couldn't wash her hair, her coffee machine broke so no coffee and her iron burned her only clean uniform shirt so she had to grab a dirty one from the hamper.

So there she was on the day she'd worked towards for the past six years, the day she'd find out what Department she'd be assigned to, sitting in the large hall amongst all the other candidates in the program waiting to be called to the stage.

Something was off and it wasn't just the smell of her hair or her dirty uniform, although neither were good.

She grew increasingly uneasy as she watched her colleagues be called to the stage one by one to receive their assignments.

Finally her name was called. "Candidate Swan," the Training Director called. She marched to him, saluted and stood at attention. She stood waiting for him to announce she was in USSS POTUS Protection. He looked at her but said nothing. What the hell? Say it, she willed him. she knew her performance warranted her placement in the squad. Why didn't he just say it?

He sighed: "Congratulations Swan. You have been assigned to USSS..."

She gave a mental fist pump, she knew it.

He repeated: "... USSS SPAM Division."

What. The. Hell! A look of shock crossed her face for a fleeting moment but then she regrouped. Took the file, saluted the Director, turned on her heel and marched off the stage.

What the fu.. dge kind of Division is SPAM. She'd never heard of it - how could she, the best in her graduating class, be assigned to a division no-one ever heard of?

She felt a hand on her shoulder, turned to see a tall elegant woman in a dress suit.

"Come with me, Swan."

Bella looked the woman over: "... and you are?"

"Your new boss, SPAM Director Dwyer," she said holding her hand out to shake.

Bella's day continued to go downhill, she thought, as she shook the unknown Director's hand.

Director Dwyer turned and started walking down the hall in her fancy dress suit and her extremely high heels. "Follow me, Swan."

Bella blew out a breath, sucked up her bad attitude and followed her new boss, noting no other candidate was recruited to "SPAM".

"So, Director Dwyer, what is SPAM? I've never heard of it."

"Not in the hallways, Swan. Let's keep this trip in silent mode shall we, recruit."

Bella blushed slightly at the dressing down. She was going to have to keep her curiosity on lock down for now. In silence she walked alongside the Director who acknowledged no one in the halls, although many senior staff passed them and gave her a small nod, ignoring Bella altogether.

They passed through a sequence of security gates; travelled down to subterranean levels and then walked through a maze of hallways; all in silence. Finally they arrived at an office type door, Director Dwyer swiped her card and the pressed her thumb to the screen before leading Bella into the internal reception area, "Take a seat Swan."

Bella sat in one of the large comfortable chairs lined against the wall.

Director Dwyer stopped at her assistant's desk and whispered to the man sitting there. He looked around the Director to get a good look at Bella and then went back to whispering.

Bella shuffled in her seat uncomfortably. She didn't like being the subject of their conversation and she didn't like being assigned to a team she had no idea about.

Director Dwyer went into her office and her assistant sat behind the desk just watching Bella. His stare became more uncomfortable. He tilted his head from side to side until eventually Bella had to challenge him, "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Apparently, yes," he cryptically replied before getting up from the desk taking a large file with him and heading into the Director's office. After about 10 minutes, he opened the door: "Agent Swan, the Director will see you now."

Bella was quick to head in, she had questions and she was hoping for answers.

The Director was sitting at her desk and gestured for Bella to take a seat. The assistant was sitting on the other chair off to the side and was staring at Bella again in the same way he'd been doing out in the reception area.

"Bella, first of all congratulations on your successful graduation and for taking first position in your graduating class. As you know that entitles you to a spot with the most elite Secret Service squad. That position and that squad is here at SPAM, Ms Swan.

"We are so secret the rest of the Secret Service don't even know who we are."

She placed her arms across the file Bella had been given at the ceremony just one hour before, which was now on the Director's desk. "You were the only candidate selected for our squad for a number of reasons, Ms Swan.

"One, is that you are extremely bright, resourceful and well trained. Two, is that you are highly motivated to succeed. Three, is because you scored highly with an acceptance for the unusual and acceptance of diversity, which is extremely important attribute here at SPAM. We have no room for bigots or the narrow-minded. The fourth reason you were selected is your physical profile is suitable for an immediate case I will get to soon. The fifth reason is that you passed our talent scout, Eleazar's, test." She tilted her head to her assistant who was sitting on the couch holding up a research file. "If Eleazar's report that Demetri is waving about is right then you have a gift which will make you invaluable to this team.

"Ms Swan, SPAM stands for Supernatural Protection and Assimilation Management."

Bella tried very hard to clear her head. What did she just say? Super... what?

"Ms Swan. My name is Director Renee Dwyer. I am an angel and please understand that by 'angel' I don't mean that I have a sweet disposition. I mean that I am in fact an angel." She stood, removed her jacket and gave her shoulders a small shrug and then the most beautiful array of feathers spread from her shoulders in two incredible wings. The feathers were a light brown with a hint of forest green sheen. Bella thought it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

Director Dwyer smiled, "Yes, number three was certainly correct. You are good with weird."

Bella stood and walked around the desk reaching out to stroke the feathers gently. As she did Director Dwyer moaned lightly and closed her eyes.

Demetri chuckled, "Her feathers are sensitive, Ms Swan, in a sensual way, if you get my meaning."

Bella pulled her hand back quickly and resumed her seat. "Apologies Director Dwyer," she whispered. She blushed a deep red and noticed that Director Dwyer blushed a little too.

The Director cleared her throat, withdrew her wings and resumed her seat. "Ms Swan, soon after the formation of the first division of the Secret Service in 1865, this division was formed. Demetri here is not my assistant but actually my co-Director of the division and the original agent for SPAM."

Bella looked over at Demetri who gave her that same 'knowing' look. "But that makes you over 150 years old, how is that possible?"

"You need to leave your preconceptions behind you about .. well.. everything," Director Dwyer said. "Demetri is a Vampire. He was 'turned' in the 1700s so he is in fact over 300 years old Ms Swan."

Bella breathed out and took a moment to realise what she'd just learned. She turned back to the Director: "So you mentioned the fifth reason was that I had some sort of gift? What is it, because I am pretty sure I am no angel and certainly no vampire, I don't even eat meat no mind drink blood."

Demetri laughed and she turned to him wondering what it was she said that was so funny.

"Sorry Ms Swan it is just that I am a vegetarian too." He chuckled again.

She was confused by his remark but chose to ignore it, wanting an answer to her question from the Director who smiled at her and said, "You are a mental shield, Ms Swan who is able to block most of the more... invasive gifts of some of our clients which means that you will be safer, more effective and able to keep our secrets.

"You see, this Department was established to protect, and assimilate into society, identified supernaturals who choose to be assimilated into mainstream society. They offer their unique skills to us on occasion and we offer them ... a place in the world."

Bella thought about this for a moment and then asked another question: "You said the fourth reason was that my physical profile suited a case ... what case?"

"Ah yes... Edward," the Director said as she passed Bella a hefty file. "Edward is an asset who is gifted in mind reading. He is a vampire, like Demetri, except Edward was born in 1901 and turned in 1918. He has expressed a desire to assimilate into society. We've found him a 'foster' situation if you like and we'd like you to be his ... how shall I put it... we'd like you to go undercover as his girlfriend and assist him to transition into society."

Bella looked at the picture on the cover of the file which showed a devastatingly gorgeous young man with a riot of bronze hair, deep golden eyes and a jawline that reminded her of classical statues she'd seen once on a visit to the National Gallery. She crossed her legs and tried to focus. Demetri sniffed the air and chuckled, "I see you have noticed Edward is quite easy on the eye, is his not, Ms Swan."

Bella blushed again and ignored his remark.

"So, my physical profile, which suits this case so well, is that I could pass as a 17 year old, is that what you are saying?"

The Director nodded: "Ms Swan, Edward is going to enter mainstream society for the first time since a year or two after he was turned. He has been a loyal and active agent for almost 90 years and we now are very happy to support his decision to retire as an agent... and help him to integrate into society.

"He will be posing as a Senior in high school in Forks, Washington. He is going to become a member of the Cullen family. The Cullens are a family of vampires headed up by Carlisle and his wife Esme. Their information is in the folder I have given you, as well as containing everything we have about Edward.

"The Cullens have already 'adopted' four other vampires: Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice. They have been assimilated into society for some time but have only been in Forks for a year. The 'children' are already enrolled and attending Forks High and they will assist you with Edward's ... naturalisation.

"You will be going undercover as their new foster daughter while Edward will be their new foster son. The local law enforcement have been informed of your situation and, by the way, they believe the Cullens to be in the Witness Protection Program."

Bella started to finger the folder's edges, she wanted more information about this assignment and her analytical mind wanted to dive into the detail. She was growing impatient.

The Director noticed her agitation, "Bella your apartment is being packed up as we speak and your personal things will be on the plane which will take you and Edward to Forks tomorrow."

Bella thought about the mayhem her apartment was left in when she raced out that morning and her blush started to pink on her face.

The Director pressed a buzzer after which a door on the far side of the office opened and a number of twinkling lights flew into the room. "Please take Ms Swan to see Edward. Be nice and take her the shortest way possible since she is only just getting to know us."

The dazzling lights flew around Bella and she looked at them with her head tilted to one side.

"Eleazar was right - she is a powerful shield," said Demetri. "The Will o'Wisps have no power over her at all." He turned to Bella, "They can compel most people to follow them wherever they want them to go, but clearly your shield protects you from their mischief. Just follow them, they'll take you to Edward."

The Director walked her to the door with the Will o'Wisps leading the way. "I'd like you to spend the evening in Edward's apartment; take the opportunity to read this file and get to know him. He is ... well, I'll leave it to you to decide about Edward. Welcome to SPAM, Ms Swan."

With that the door was closed and Bella was in the dark. Literally. Only the twinkling of the Will o'Wisps gave her any light at all to find her way.

Back in the office, Demetri walked over to Renee: "You didn't tell her the sixth reason you chose her for Edward."

Renee let her angel wings spread and circle around Demetri, "Well my love, that is because, if Alice was correct, there's no need to tell her."


A/N: thank your reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts.