Monty killed his mother, he pulled the trigger that ended his own mother's life. Sure. He killed her to protect Octavia but that didn't make the pit in Monty's stomach any better or the choking sensation in his throat bearable.
Monty never really understood why Clarke left, Why Bellamy self-destructs or why Jasper drinks himself into a stupor but now… he did. People deal with grief in different ways Bellamy kept silent while Octavia burst out in fits of screams before choking it back down going into 'warrior mode'.
Monty never had to deal with grief like this, yeah sure his dad died but he wasn't there to witness it let alone pull the trigger. He thought he finally found peace when Emerson was just about to kill them and for a brief moment he thought him and Jasper reconciled. But that fleeting look of grief in Jaspers eyes were replaced with the same old anger the minute Clarke saved them.
Now Monty was sitting away from the Pyre and looking out over the field that led to camp, it was peaceful, too peaceful. The Camp didn't feel the same without the usual bustle and he doubted their ever would be again but he had to keep faith. Faith that everything would be ok in the end.
He took a deep breath before swigging some Moonshine, it burned a trail down his throat but the burn was pleasant and settled warm in his stomach. He was feeling nicely buzzed but not enough to drown out the sorrow.
He wanted to scream loudly make sure Jasper could hear his pain and realise he wasn't the only jackass suffering but he didn't.
He brought his fist to his mouth and screamed into it over and over until his throat hurt. The feeling in his chest didn't get any better if anything it got worse. He got up from the log he was sitting on and left the moonshine there.
He stumbles unsteadily through the gates of Arkadia before settling down in the delinquent hangar. No one was there all off mourning in their own way.
Sinclair was like a father to him and now he was dead too, why was everyone dying? The tightness began to grow steadily and soon back spots were dancing round the edges of his vision. He couldn't breathe. He felt like he was drowning, in and out Monty breathe 123 breathe. He repeated this mantra but the only thing he really knew what to do in these situations was to do something he did rarely.
Monty wobbled over to the tool kit and took out a sharp nail, pressing it too his flesh he pressed hardly and yanked it down drawing think crimson blood. The blood dripped steadily down his arm and dripped onto the floor. The cut wasn't deep but it was long, Monty immediately felt his heartrate slow down but he needed to feel more.
He pulled his other sleeve up and drew another line down his arm, hissing at the sensation. He repeated the process until he was feeling slightly dizzy and both arms were littered with cuts. This cutting situation had been happening ever since Mount Weather every time he thought about the people he had killed he couldn't stand it.
The dizziness was getting worse and Monty slumped down onto the bench and just stared at the blood unaware of the footsteps approaching him until he heard and "Oh God".
Monty looked up to see Bellamy frozen staring at his wrists. Monty sprung up before pitching forward. He never saw Bellamy move that fast before and he caught him steadily before putting him softly on the ground.
"What the hell did you do to yourself?"
Bellamy whispered looking frantically over his shoulder for bandages. He found a cloth and doused it into a canister of Alcohol on the side before wringing it out and ran back to Monty.
"It helps Bell… oh god it hurts." Monty whispered brokenly as his body ripped with new sobs.
Bellamy bandaged him carefully before pulling him gently into his arms. Monty never had a brother apart from Jasper and he was more like a twin than a big brother. Bellamy was a big brother to all of them now.
He'd looked after him during the whole Pike situation even when his Mom couldn't and now Bellamy was paying the price for their mistakes. He was taking the entire blame for something they all had a part in.
"Monty?" He snapped out of his thoughts at Bellamy's gentle voice. He looked concerned as he gently released him from his arms. His breathing had calmed down and he moved away from Bellamy and cradled his wrists.
"It happened after Mount Weather, I couldn't take it, Jasper…" Monty cut himself off.
Bellamy looked at him steadily "I'll talk to him." He said making to stand.
"NO!" Monty snapped "It's not his fault people deal with grief in different ways. This is how I deal with mine." Monty paused before sighing "It helps"
"No it doesn't" came a sharp reply from Bellamy who looked at him steadily "Trust me"
Monty looked up at him "How would you know?" he said looking at Bellamy's wrists which bore no signs of harm.
"I've been dealing with pain a lot longer than you have Monty… and I've tried lots of different ways to get rid of it." Bellamy sighed heavily before settling down next to him and crossing his arms and rubbing his wrists.
"To be honest Monty it never goes away" Bellamy's voice broke as he said it taking a deep breath before regaining his composure. "The trick is learning to cope with it and cope with it healthily." He said slowly trying get his point across.
"That's the thing Bell how do I deal with it?" Monty asked looking at Bell intently.
"Don't cut for a start, promise your stop." Bellamy begged his eyes pleading with Monty to understand.
Monty nodded and Bellamy gave him a small smile before standing up. "Me, Jasper, Octavia and Clarke are going to look for Luna…be safe until then." Bellamy hugged him carefully before turning and leaving.
Before he could Monty stopped him "Bellamy? Where are your scars?" he asked.
Bellamy smirked "Somewhere in here" he said gesturing towards his heart before turning and walking out of the hangar.