Disclaimer: Don't own the people or the song. The kids from That 70's Show belong to Fox, and the excerpts from "Beulah Land" belong to Tori Amos. I suggest everyone download the song, because it's beautiful.

 Author's note: Well, this is my first delve into the world of creative writing and fan fiction. I had some trouble with the ending, it seems too rushed, but I'm not going to obsess about it anymore. Hopefully it's okay.

(Beulah land

got a wasted gun)

  The Price is Right is evil. Trust me. It's a tool used by the government to make guys like me, who're on to them, do stupid things. Things we wouldn't normally do if we were in our right minds. I'm convinced that somewhere on that show, there's a subliminal message being issued. I bet it's on that spinning wheel. It's like, hypnotism or something. The government's tricky like that. Bastards. I can't even watch a damn television show without someone trying to mess with my mind. I'm never watching the Price is Right again, man. I mean, look what it did to me. It made me kiss Jackie.

(Licorice man

I'll sum you up

Thumbs up)

   Jackie, man! She's like, the devil. Okay, maybe not the devil, cause Laurie fills that position nicely, but she's definitely a high ranked demon or something. She's bossy, loud, annoying, and spoiled. I don't think that girl's ever been denied anything in her life. All she has to do is bat her eyes, flip her hair, flash daddy's credit card and bam! She's got it. See, back in the day when she was professing her undying love to me, I took great pleasure in blowing her off. I felt it was my job to knock some sense of reality into her. She can't go through life thinking she'll get everything she wants. Well, that and the fact I love bursting peoples' bubbles. Gives me a feeling of success.

    But, damn her and her evil ways, she got to me too. To this day, I still don't understand how she did. All she had done was stalk and annoy me. I dreaded the sight of her and her voice made me cringe. But as soon as that dillhole Chip opened his mouth and talked about nailing her "bitchy" self, I just saw red. I decked him good. I'm pretty sure he was unconscious. I didn't check because I was too shocked at myself for even reacting. Then Mrs. Forman told me I liked Jackie, and because I was still in shock, I allowed her to influence my thoughts. If I were fully coherent at the time, I'd never have asked Jackie out. Never.

    Not that it mattered anyways. The date itself wasn't bad, but it was the kiss at the end that proved it. There were no fireworks or whatever the hell Jackie said was supposed to happen. Though, like she said, the kiss was hot. I'll give her that. It made me feel like I was smoking up in Foreman's basement. Good feeling man. But it wasn't fireworks, so Mrs. Forman was wrong.

(got something in the sand

Beulah girl

you been hitchin me up)

     After that failed date, I figured I'd got whatever "Jackie" disease out of my system. She's really like a virus, man. She never goes away and she makes you sick. Delirious even. I mean, she talks so god damn much that she wears away at your sanity until you start thinking the way she wants you to think. I mean, I listened to her once (not by choice, we were in the cruiser) for 3 freaking hours about why cherry red nail polish was better than fire engine red, and by the 3rd hour, I was actually comparing the two colors in my head. See, completely evil.

    When she finally stopped following me around, I was able to think clearly again. No more Jackie influenced thoughts. I was a free man. Then she got back together with Kelso, which was bound to happen anyway, despite what she said about loving me. I was always just a rebound guy; no matter how she deluded herself into thinking it was love. Anyways, I was glad because having a cheerleader as a stalker was not fun, man. Not at all.

   Of course after her and Kelso's reconciliation, they started having problems. Like no one saw that coming. I mean, what is it with those two? They're either fucking or fighting. And, to matters worse, she seemed to think somewhere along the line we'd become friends. Just because I taught her how to be Zen, took the blame for the pot, and punched Chip doesn't mean we're friends. I still can't stand the sight of her. But she thinks we are so she comes to me with all her stupid problems. I mean, damn, do I look like a girl? That's what Donna and Forman are there for. They like to talk about things. Guys don't do that. But, like always, she couldn't take the thousands of subtle, or not so subtle hints to get bent, so she stuck around. And, damn me and my Jackie diseased mind, I didn't fight it.

(got some candy

and a sweet sing)

   When Kelso, like the coward he is, ran off to California when Jackie wanted to get married, she came right to the basement. In the morning, might I add. Early in the morning. I was rudely awakened by her slamming the basement door, stomping into my room, and practically kicking me awake. She didn't even give me a chance to yell at her before she started on a full-blown Kelso rant. She was livid. I don't think I've ever seen her that mad before. She cursing Kelso out with words I didn't know she even knew. It was a bit frightening. She was like freaking possessed. But what was even more disturbing than a possessed cheerleader was the fact that she didn't cry the entire time. And Jackie's a crier. I can't count the number of times she's come to me crying about something Kelso did. Damnit, she cried to me about prom, begging me to take her. Even back in our hating each other days I couldn't say no to her. It was because she cried, man. I can't handle crying girls. I never could. I think she knew that too. She's manipulative like that.

    But she didn't cry about Kelso. I think she finally realized that he either wasn't worth her tears or she was tired of crying over him. Either way I was glad, because like I said, I can't deal with girls who cry. I was actually kind of happy. I think reality was finally biting her in the ass.

    When she calmed down enough to let me get a word in, I asked her if she was all that surprised. And she just looked at me with her big, cheerleader eyes, and just sort of collapsed into herself. She looked so defeated that I almost felt bad. Almost.

(Give me religion

and a lobotomy)

    I kicked her out then and got dressed. I took my time, hoping that she'd be gone when I was done. I was still a bit worried that she'd start crying. If she did, I'd be forced to comfort her, since Donna was gone, Forman's probably a wreck, and she always comes to me anyways. Then I'd end up doing something stupid, like talking to her. See, that's how girls control guys. Crying. Well, that and sex.

   She was sitting on the couch when I left my room. Luckily, she wasn't crying. Yet. But she still had that subdued, kind of heartbroken look on her face. And to tell the truth, that was almost worse than her crying.

   Every part of my mind was screaming at me to not get involved, to just ignore her like I usually do. But that small part of me, the one that cared enough to teach her Zen and take the blame for the pot, the part of me that wanted to protect her from assholes like Chip wouldn't let me. And though I knew I'd regret it later (and I did), I sat down next to her. She immediately leaned into my side, resting her head on my shoulder. My first reaction was to push her off. Then I looked down at her and I couldn't. So I let her keep her perfectly conditioned head on my arm. She didn't cry and we didn't talk. We just sat there in silence. And I think for the first time we understood each other.

(Beulah land

You beautiful whore)

   She came over the next day. I was a bit surprised to find her sitting on the couch when I woke up. She was idly flipping through a magazine, acting like nothing had happened the day before. I had kind of expected her to go shopping, or to the salon, or whatever Jackie does when she's depressed. But instead she was in the basement, on the couch. The Price is Right was on. So I sat in my chair and watched it with her.

   I don't know who started it, but by the time Forman dragged his heartbroken ass down to the basement, Jackie and I were loudly making fun of the contestants. Surprisingly, she came up with some pretty funny burns. I was mildly impressed. I was also glad that she had cheered up since yesterday. It was like Kelso didn't exist to her. But as a precaution I didn't mention his name, you know, so I didn't have to deal with a crying Jackie.

    Forman was confused as to the fact of us hanging out, but I think he was to depressed to care. He just sunk into the couch next to Jackie. He didn't do much but sulk. And when Forman sulks, he really sulks. He's like a girl, man. His mood spreads through out the entire room and really puts a damper on the good times. In this case, Jackie's and mine harassment of the poor, misguided people on The Price is Right.

    After a good half hour of Forman's depression, Jackie got fed up. She complained about Eric being a pansy and a "party pooper." Her words, not mine. And left me to fend for myself with a moody Forman. Whenever he gets this way, he either wants to lie in bed all day or talk. It seemed he was in a talking mood that day. I silently cursed Jackie for leaving and begged her to come back simultaneously. She's never around when you actually want her there.

    She did come back the next day, though. And the day after. Soon, we had a whole routine worked out. She'd come over, we'd watch The Price is Right, Forman would mope, and Fez would show up and complain about his lack of sex and candy. We'd leave the basement form time to time, but those trips were mostly made to the Hub. All in all, it was a pretty sweet, laid back thing we had going. And then that day came. The day The Price is Right possessed me.

(Tell me when

I don't need you any more)

    It had been a long, slow summer. Girl wise, I mean. I didn't get with as many of them as usual. It wasn't because of Jackie. I mean, sure we hung out a lot more, but that had nothing to do with my lack of action. I was just lazy. The point is, I hadn't gotten any in a while, and The Price is Right had destroyed my mind. And Jackie was there, being Jackie. Complaining about stupid things and generally being annoying. But suddenly, in that moment of complete boredom, she changed.

    She had always been hot, not my type, but hot. But as I looked at her then, she became, well, irresistible. Her hair became shiner, her mouth more pouty, and her body more subtle. She was a completely different girl. I became aware of things I've never noticed before. Well, maybe I had noticed them, but I never paid much attention. Like the way she chews her bottom lip when she's bored, or thinking. Or the fact that her eyes are two different colors. The left is green and the right is blue. I'd never seen that before.

    As I was mulling over these new revelations, she turned to look at me. And that's when I officially lost my mind. I don't know what did it, the chewing of her stupid lip, or looking at me with her freaky, different color eyes, but suddenly I was moving forward. I think she moved too, because our lips met somewhere in the middle of the space between us.

    The kiss wasn't like our Veterans' day one. I mean, the technicalities of it were, but it was different somehow. I can't explain it and I'll never ask Jackie, cause she'd go off for an hour about fireworks.  All I know is that when we broke away, I didn't want it to end. Like I said, it had been a slow summer. I have needs. Dammit, now I sound like Fez.

   But it's true, man. The seconds after we kissed were the longest in my life. I wanted to jump her bones right there on the couch, but I had no idea what was going on or if she'd let me. The Price is Right was still in control of my head. Finally, I looked out the corner of my eye at Jackie to find her doing the same. That was all I needed. In less than a second Jackie and I were engaged in a heavy make out session.

(Just say when)

    So here I am. Jackie left after Forman came down to do his daily moping. He almost caught us, but Jackie's cheerleader skills were finally put to some use. Let me tell you something, cheerleaders can jump really high, and really far. He took his spot on the couch, successfully creating a block between Jackie and me.  Never in my life had I wanted Forman leave as much as I did then. All I could think about was touching Jackie, kissing Jackie, doing many dirty things with Jackie. And Forman and his wallowing were putting a major damper on that.

    After she left, my head began to clear up. Clear enough to realize what the hell I had just did. I kissed Jackie and I enjoyed it. In fact, I wouldn't mind doing it again tomorrow, or the next day. Probably the day after as well.

    I don't like her though, at least not like that. I can tolerate her, and besides, I need the action. And she's always in the basement, so it saves me the trouble of going out and looking for a chick. Besides, she's surprisingly good at what she does. So… maybe The Price is Right isn't as evil as I thought it was. It's just extremely twisted, making me go through all that.

   Doesn't matter, though. I got a hot girl to make out with, so summer just got a lot more interesting. And when Jackie comes back tomorrow, it'll be even better.

(Just say when)