Authors note: Established relationship between Cara and Kahlan, they are married and living in Aydindril. As they have been married for a year, Kahlan is pressured by her duty to continue the confessor's line. It is quite angsty (but also fluffy) I guess, but I've had this in my mind for a while, so I figured I might as well type it up.
Hope you like it! Please let me know what you think!
Kahlan was seated behind a massive stack of books and papers in her, the Mother Confessor's, chambers. Reinstating the council was proving to be more complicated than she initially thought. She feared it would take at least another year before the Midlands were back in its former glory. The council consisted of Kings and Queens, and other rules of the likes from all the Midlands, to decide over a common land. The Mother Confessor was the head of the Council- her word was law.
All this unfortunately meant that Kahlan would be occupied carrying out her duties as the Mother Confessor, other duties had to wait.
She sighed and rested her hands limply in her lap for a moment. She would have less time with Cara. A smile ghosted her lips as she thought of her- the blonde beauty had surprised her in so many ways over the last year. She felt a sting of guilt in the pit of her stomach then, they had never talked about children. Kahlan knew however, that Cara was aware there was a duty, but they had never spoken about it; it had not been necessary. Now, it was a conversation they needed to have. In an earlier conversation she'd had with Zedd, he had explained that it would be possible to have a child together- and the child would be Kahlan and Cara's. Zedd had been sweet and a little awkward when he'd explained it; Kahlan smiled at the memory. Because Kahlan and Cara were able to consummate their love, as Zedd had put it, a child was not unthinkable. True love, the strongest magic of all. Kahlan had always relished the idea of having children, it was always a part of her. But she didn't know entirely how Cara felt about children, and it unnerved her a little.
Kahlan was interrupted from her thoughts as she heard the doors of her chamber burst open; she almost looked up in anger as she had asked not to be disturbed. It faded instantly as she saw Cara. Characteristically herself; wearing the red leathers of a Mord-Sith, and now a tight braid reaching the midst of her back. Cara didn't say anything as she strode towards Kahlan, smirking, and finally kissing Kahlan on the lips, firmly.
Kahlan stroked her cheek, «Hi.» she whispered.
Cara kissed her again in response, and stood up, «The new guards are fools.»
Kahlan chuckled, «You are training them?»
«Kahlan, where did you find them? At the edge of a remote forest?» Cara huffed and crossed her arms.
Ah, Cara's sarcasm, something else Kahlan loved, «Well love, I did have in mind that you train them. They will be most capable when they finish.»
A smile tugged Cara's lips as she watched Kahlan, «You're right.»
Kahlan then remembered what she had been thinking about earlier, and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair.
Cara raised an eyebrow, «What?»
Even though Cara was often simple in her use of words, she did always notice when Kahlan had something on her mind.
Kahlan sighed heavily, «Cara,» she paused briefly, «You know of all my duties as the Mother Confessor? More so, my duty to continue the line of confessors?»
Cara looked at her, indifferently, but nodded.
Kahlan continued, «I think we should have this conversation, if not today, soon.» she swallowed at Cara's silence, but continued, «I spoke to Zedd-»
«You spoke to Zedd?» Cara raised her voice, «Without us having this conversation first?» she almost fumed.
Kahlan rose from her chair, but before she could utter any words, Cara stormed out the door. It left Kahlan bewildered- she didn't understand Cara's reaction.
The rest of the day, there was no sign of Cara. Even as evening came, she was gone. Kahlan didn't worry too much about her safety, Cara could definitely defend herself. It happened sometimes before in their years together, but it had usually been a sign of uncertainty and fear of her feelings towards Kahlan. It hadn't occurred in a while because Cara had let herself be vulnerable for Kahlan to witness, she had allowed herself to be weak. Kahlan would be the only one to know every side of Cara; not only the vulnerable, but the loving and caring too. Thus, what worried her now was that Cara would rebuild those pillars around herself, excluding Kahlan. But she would be given the room she needed, Kahlan knew of this when she married her- she didn't love her any less. It was something that she'd accepted.
Night fell, and still Cara hadn't returned. Reluctantly, Kahlan fell asleep, without the warm presence beside her she depended on so much.
In the morning she woke, still no sign of Cara. Kahlan sat up in their massive bed, her eyes heavy from the poor sleep. It puzzled her slightly how she relied on Cara to get a good night's sleep.
Some time later, Kahlan was roaming the space outside the palace, speaking to the people of Aydindril. She glanced up briefly, and met Cara's gaze from where she was seated on her white horse. She was riding bareback as she let her horse walk towards Kahlan. She drew her horse to a halt in front of her, «Kahlan.» She uttered in a mere whisper.
Kahlan felt now, she was angry, so she didn't respond.
«Kahlan.» Cara tried again, this time reaching her hand out, «please.» she begged, hurt in her eyes.
A kind that Kahlan didn't recognize. She turned towards the woman she had been speaking to, excusing herself.
Cara scooted back on the horse, and once more extended her arm. This time Kahlan took it and let herself be pulled up on the horse by her wife's strong arm. She was seated safely in front of Cara.
They left the palace, and were soon on a small trail leading into the woods. Kahlan felt Cara's arms around her waist as she held the rains of the horse. «Where are we going Cara?» Kahlan asked.
A few moments of silence passed, «You'll see.» She said plainly.
They rode for several minutes in silence, Kahlan was growing more impatient by the minute. She looked ahead, there were only trees around them. Until they cleared, revealing a clear spot, a small lake surrounded by the large, green trees. The sunlight reflected in the clear water, it was beautiful.
Cara stopped the horse, and she swiftly jumped off. Feet firmly on the ground, she reached for Kahlan, who let herself be lifted off the large animal. Now both standing on the green patch of grass, Cara looked at her horse, «Don't go too far.» The horse rolled its head and started grassing. Cara had trained the horse to listen to her, trust her. So with the years, the horse trusted her, and did what it was told, without the use of bits or cruel techniques.
Now, Cara walked to the edge of the small lake, and sat down in the soft grass. She started unlacing her boots and looked up at Kahlan, «Come.» she said and patted the spot next to her.
Kahlan joined her, also unlacing her boots. Soon their feet dipped comfortably into the water.
«Cara, what are we doing here?» Kahlan finally asked.
Cara sighed, letting her emotions reveal themselves, «I come here when I want to be alone, and I don't want to be found.» She looked out on the lake, «And to apologize,» she said in earnest. «But also to explain why I reacted the way I did.»
Kahlan's eyes softened, «Cara, you know you don't have to explain everything to me. I trust you.» she said and took one of Cara's hands.
«Don't say that. This is important to you, to us.» Cara said.
Kahlan didn't say anything, and trailed Cara's arm reassuringly.
«In order for you to understand my strong reaction, I have to revisit memories I haven't considered in a long time.» Cara paused, and put her other hand on top of Kahlan's. «So I brought us out here, because here we won't be interrupted. I don't want anyone but you to see me the way you will now.»
Cara's words scared Kahlan, she was clearly carrying a great burden.
«You know I had a son with Darken Rahl long ago?» Cara started.
Kahlan nodded sadly at the memory.
«There is much to this story that no one knows, because I have never allowed myself to live it.» Cara paused and chuckled slightly, «I am a Mord-Sith, I wasn't supposed to feel.» Another pause. «As you know, Darken Rahl trained be personally, he broke me; I was his pet.» Cara spat the last word in disgust. She continued, «I would have done anything to please him- slit my own throat if need be.»
Kahlan tried to ignore the images that formed in her mind of Cara hanging from a chain, tortured, broken- she failed. She forced back the lump in her throat.
«So, when he asked me to bear his child, I was thrilled that I could do something to please him.» she swallowed, «Soon, I was with child.» Cara looked away for a few moments, to strengthen herself, «At first, I loathed every minute of it; the being ill, the growth of my body.»
Kahlan watched her as she returned her gaze- she was surprised to see a tear. She gently reached up and brushed it away with her thumb. Cara allowed it.
«But..» she paused again, «I felt the child moving, and I couldn't help the feelings within me igniting.» Cara smiled then, eyes glistening- Kahlan recognized it; the same expression she wore as she had helped the Night Whisps; and the night she had told Kahlan that she loved her for the very first time.
Kahlan then brushed the back of her hand on Cara's flat stomach, where once a child had been. Again, Cara let her- of course she let her.
«I realized as the child was close to term, that I could not allow myself to be connected any longer- so I completely detached myself, as much as I could from everything that had to do with the child. I was merely the host that would bring it to this world.»
Every word Cara spoke physically pained Kahlan, she wish that she could remove her agony.
Cara clenched her teeth, readying herself, «It was the evening of the next full moon, I was standing on the stone floor in my bed chambers, brushing my hair. Pain ripped through me; it was no ordinary pain- something was wrong.» Cara moved her gaze away for a few moments before returning to Kahlan's blue eyes. «I didn't even have the strength to make way to the bed- so I sat on the cold stone floor, and I felt wetness everywhere.» Cara inhaled sharply, as if momentarily reliving the pain.
Kahlan squeezed her hand, wanting to tell her it was alright, to hold her, but she knew Cara had to revisit this dark place before anything else. To let go.
«I looked down, and it was all blood- oozing out of me. The child was fighting its way out» She paused briefly, momentary smiling, but soon dissipating, «I screamed as loud as my lungs would let me. Maids and chamber girls came running and frantically ran back and forth, finding a midwife.» Cara reached to touch one of her Agiels, as it would relieve the pain she was feeling, allowing her to be distracted. But Kahlan gripped her wrist firmly, stopping her. Cara's hand did stop, she in stead leaned in to touch Kahlan's forehead, wanting to draw from her strength. She pulled back, «Everything was a blur, it was nothing but pure pain and anguish- a pain I had never felt, worse than any Agiel, than any heartbreak. Thunder was shooting through me, breaking me into pieces, my heart darkening with every second that passed.» she looked into Kahlan's eyes, searching, «I can endure pain, but this was different. The kind that draws life away.»
She gripped Kahlan's hand, «At some point, the midwife was there, saying something about having to cut the child out. I would lose consciousness.»
Kahlan tried to swallow a gasp, but failed. Tears were welling in her eyes. She held Cara's hand with equal strength.
«So that's what they did. And I didn't pass out. It felt like hours, hands inside my body, removing the creature within. If possible, the pain worsened. I stayed awake long enough to hear the sounds of a piercing cry through the air.» Cara attempted to regain her posture, «I woke up the next morning, a Mord-Sith by my side, Dahlia. She told me that I had died, that she had brought me back with the Breath of Life. And that the child was a boy..» Cara trailed off.
«Oh Cara.» Kahlan pulled her to her chest, stroking circles on her back, placing soft kisses on the top of her head, forehead, her cheeks and shoulders; comforting her.
Cara pulled away, «You needed to know this of me. I didn't tell you because I fear this will happen to me, I can and will endure anything for you.» She paused, «But if you were to experience something like that, to lose a child, feel nothing but pain… I bring you back, but it changes you profoundly, it tears you into fragments.»
Now, Kahlan rested her forehead against Cara's «I am so sorry. I wish I could take away your pain.»
Cara shook her head, «I don't. Because in the briefest of moments, I felt happiness. I knew that I would want children in a different life. And now, with you, I can.»
Kahlan placed her hand on her cheeks, and kissed her firmly. Before she could say anything, Cara spoke, «And I know why you wanted to talk about it yesterday, and probably before that. I know that you have other duties as the Mother Confessor, so if I am able, I will bear our child.» She smiled softly.
«Cara, I can't ask that of you.» Kahlan whispered.
Cara took both of her hands, «You're not.» She kissed the knuckles of Kahlan's hands, «This time, I will carry our child, son or a daughter created by the strongest love in all the realms. And I will allow myself to feel.»
Kahlan felt tears running down her cheeks, and soon felt soft lips upon her face, kissing them away. «You know I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it.» Cara whispered.
Kahlan knew that to be true. Smiling, she drew Cara in for several soft kisses, «Then, we will have a child.»
That night, they were united again in their large bed, Cara, as always, lying in only a bottom part that she fashioned herself, because a whole shift was apparently too much. Kahlan lay on her side, gazing at Cara, her eyes trailing her body, her perfect breasts, her toned muscles. Her eyes stopped on the scars of her abdomen. She reached out with her slender fingers and touched it. The rugged skin beneath familiar, but foreign. «You know I consider him to be my son, too?» Kahlan said as she looked into Cara's green eyes. Cara kissed her then, «That means very much to me.» She smiled.
Cara put her hand on top of Kahlan's, that was still resting on the scar on her stomach, «I will only give you one child, you will bear our daughters.» she smirked.
Kahlan sat up a little, resting her head in her hand, «Will I now? Several of them?» she chuckled.
Cara turned towards her, «We will have a whole bunch of them if they are all as beautiful as you.» She smiled and kissed her. Kahlan laughed as Cara's lips were on hers.