You know what, I have read so much. I have read things that are the most terrible of beauties, yes the most beautiful of horrors and you know what that makes me think? I will create my monster, one that is terrible yet wonderful to all. One that will break the confounds of REALITY and PAIN! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? All it takes is one little…push. It is time to turn this UP TO ELEVEN! NOW POWER UP THE BASECANNON…
Now where to begin? Well I would say that all of this began when I heard the chanting in my house. Now I know what you're saying, don't follow the chanting, don't leave your damn bedroom, and please go back to sleep. Well I apparently wasn't genre savvy enough to think of any of this and instead I decided to walk to the bathroom. From outside the door I could hear the chanting much more clearly. It sounded a bit like a bunch of people decided to have some sort of orgy inside my bathroom and they because of this orgy, they were unable to speak properly due to the possible orgasms that they were having.
The words sounded a bit like 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fthtagn' which I personally found annoying. It didn't help that I was staring at the piss yellow door of my bathroom. Regardless of this I decided with my apparently recent sanity slippage, to open the door and see what creamy delights would be awarded to me when I saw whatever was behind the door.
And to answer your question, no, I am not doing any drugs; it is probably the fact that I thought that this was probably a dream. So even in my gray sweatpants and no shirt, I opened the door and was witness to a large white glowing crack the middle of the room. To my right I heard some type of heavy breathing that was mixed with groaning so I turned to see to my utter surprise, some type of weird tentacle thing that probably belonged to a hentai.
I mean, it had this type of tentacle face like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean while having the body of a snake and two…arm tentacle things. I thought screw it, I would talk to the thing since this was my dream after all.
"Hey, weird porno monster." I greeted with a smile. I felt an itch in my beard and scratched it after I said my greeting. The tentacle thing turned towards me and looked at me as if asking 'Are you high?' It responded with a blubbery noise which sounded hilarious. I pointed at the glowing white crack "Did you come from that?" I asked.
The porno monster nodded much to my relief; apparently my dreams do have some form of continuity. I held my finger up to the porno monster and said "I'll be back." In my best Schwarzenegger impression before I exited the bathroom. All I heard coming from the bathroom was the same blubbery noise which I just ignored.
I then walked down the hallway with its gray colored walls and eventually entered the kitchen where I saw my navy blue longcoat and I grabbed it. I put it on in order to cover myself and provide some warmth. I walked back to the bathroom to see porno monster still sitting on the toilet. "I'm gonna enter the crack, you can follow if you want Hentai beast." Turning to the crack I ran at it with my longcoat billowing behind me.
Personally I probably should have brought a shirt and some shoes but hey, I thought all of this was a dream. When I traveled through the crack, it felt weird. I mean I felt like my insides were tearing themselves apart and then reassembling themselves together. I also needed to take a crap, but then again it probably wouldn't have been a good idea to ask the eldritch abomination that is sitting on the toilet seat to move it's ass- tentacle-thing.
As I traveled through the portal I saw some weird things and when I say weird, I mean that not even reading Twilight, My Immortal, or even Fifty Shades of Gray would compare to this shit. I mean there were first these glowing red numbers passing by me like Alex Mason decided to brainwash me, then it was the tentacles which were a myriad of greens and grays. Finally I thought I saw Oprah and then nothing.
When I came to I found myself on some cement pavement. It was cold, hard, and depressing like eating ramen noodles all day which I had the day previously. After lying on my stomach for around thirty seconds I decided to get my sorry ass off the ground to see that I was standing in the middle of the street. Around me there were businesses that were closed. Even the Starbucks which is kinda surprising.
Regardless I looked behind myself to see that the crack in the air was turning black and with some weird noise like the portal decided to have a case of the taco shits, porno monster came out with a squelch. Isn't that just squicky. I waved to the porno monster and it waved back to me. The black crack closed itself soon after.
"Hey, you know where I am?" I asked it. Porno nodded and pointed a tentacle to one of the shops. I turned to see that it read 'Chicago Cubs in World Series'. Wow I wonder how they are gonna screw that up? I turned back to Porno and nodded my thanks. "Alright, how did we get to Chicago?" I asked.
Porno just shrugged what I assumed to be it's shoulders. Okay, that was helpful. "Okay Porno, let's just find a place to get some food. I'm hungry." I checked my longcoat pocket and felt some paper. When I pulled it out I unwrapped it from the wad it was in and found out that it was just a receipt.
I looked up at Porno, "I don't have any cash, do you?" I wondered in some slight hope that Porno had some weird tentacle pockets that I didn't know about. Porno blubbered with what I assumed to be happiness and reached a tentacle into it's tentacle beard. Porno then pulled out a large wad of cash. "You are now my new best friend." Porno blubbered once again in what I assumed was happiness.
I walked over to Porno and pulled the wad of cash from his beard. It was a bunch of twenties which would definitely come in handy.
"Okay Porno, come on. There has got to be a bar somewhere around here. I wanna get smashed even if this is a dream." I began to walk away from Porno and I heard a slurping sound behind me. I turned my head to see Porno slither over to my side. "Cool noise Porno." Porno wiggled his arms in response. We continued on our way and I eventually saw a bar that was open. It read 'McAnnaly's Pub.
"Well it could be worse. We could be at some bar named after a baseball player." I remarked. It's really weird with how this bar was named after some bar from a book. I can't remember what it was called. Anyway, I also found it kinda weird how there was no one on the streets. Who knows, maybe that's just how Chicago is. I've never been here before.
I walked over to the bar with Porno following close behind and I opened the door for my new best friend. Porno squelched inside and I followed after him. We went down some steps and were welcomed to the view of a lot of brown and green. The bar had thirteen wooden pillars that had carvings on it. Around the bar were thirteen tables which had some people drinking at them while the actual bar which was crooked had thirteen stools by it.
It felt a little cold but that was either because I wasn't wearing any shirt and shoes or it was because of the thirteen ceiling fans spinning. Who needs that many fans? It's kinda a waste of money unless there are a lot of smokers that come here. There was man at the bar who was tall and gangly. He wore a pair of black pants with a white apron and shirt. His serious eyes stared into my blue and I felt like this guy could probably kick my ass.
Sitting in one of the stools was some random guy in a leather duster who was chatting amicably with the bartender. The man in the duster stopped talking to the bald when he noticed that baldy was staring at me and Porno. The man turned around and stared at me. His appearance was much to be desired as he had a lot of stubble on his face and his brown hair was extremely messy. The minute he saw Porno he freaked out and reached into his duster to pull out a gun.
I put my hands in the air and Porno eventually followed my lead with his tentacles. "Uh, Porno, do you think we ended up at the wrong place at the wrong time?" I whispered over to my friend. Porno blubbed a short reply which I took for a yes. "Hey, we just came to get a drink! Don't shoot!" I shouted. The man in response cocked his gun.
"What are you two?!" He yelled at us. Porno blubbered.
"I'm…" I paused for some dramatic effect but I think it was wasted on this guy, "Sage." I replied. I then nudged Porno. "And this is my buddy, Porno." Porno blubbed.
"What are you two, Outsiders?" The guy asked.
"Da fuck's an Outsider?" I replied. This guy must be drunk or something. But I will say his voice did sound kinda cool with the baritone. Even if it wasn't as deep as mine. But hey, genetics were lucky with me!
"Why the hell is an Outsider named Porno?" The man asked.
"Meh, he looked like something that belongs to Japanese hentai so I called him Porno." I replied. Porno just looked around the bar ignoring the fact that a man with a gun was on the verge of shooting us.
"What do you mean you just decided to call him Porno? I would think an Outsider would want to name itself and not have human name it." The man remarked.
"Uh, Porno, do you have anything to say about your name?" Porno blubbed twice in some way of saying no. "See, he doesn't have a problem."
"Doesn't change the fact that you summoned him which means that you broke one of the laws of magic." The man informed.
"What do you mean, I just found him in my bathroom! If you want to put the blame on anything, blame the crack in my bathroom that teleported us to Chicago!" I screamed back. The bald man behind the cowboy cosplayer then said something.
"Put the gun down." He said curtly. The cowboy turned behind himself with the gun still pointed to be and Porno and gave the bald man a slight glare. A battle of wills began until the cowboy sighed and uncocked his gun before putting it back into his duster. He then turned to look back at us while giving Porno a distrusting glance.
"So, can we get some food or something, I and possibly Porno are hungry." I asked. My body did it's best to help by growling when I said that. Baldie nodded and reached under his bar to pull out a bowl of peanuts which he set on the top of the bar. Me and Porno looked at each other and then we rushed over to he table to start eating the peanuts.
Cowboy cosplayer and Baldie looked at each other and smirked. What? Never seen a guy hungry before. "So what are your names?" I asked. Cowboy smirked.
"It's Harry, the bald man behind the bar is Mac. So what are you guys doing here anyway?" Harry asked.
"Okay, Harry Potter." I replied. Mac I could see out the corner of my eyes let out a small smile which faded as soon as it came. Harry on the otherhand just sighed in disappointment.
"It's not Harry Potter."
"Whatever. So can you guys tell me how to get back to Wisconsin?" I asked. "Oh I just remembered can you get Porno back to his home as well?" Porno blubbered and put a tentacle on my shoulder.
"I have a question, before you ended up in Chicago, what happened beforehand?" Harry asked. I stopped eating the peanuts and thought about this.
"Well this is weird for a dream; I mean my dreams usually aren't this vivid." I responded. Harry reached over and slapped me in the back of the head. "Ow!"
"This isn't a dream." Harry stated seriously. I would like to say that I didn't freak out but my eyes did probably look like they were going to pop out of my head.
"What! What! What!" I shouted out which sounded like something from South Park. Porno shook my shoulders with his tentacle so I turned to look at my friend. "What is it?" I asked. I think I was hyperventilating. Porno then used one of his face tentacles to slap me in the face a few times. When Porno thought I was good he let my shoulder go and went back to shoving peanuts into his tentacle beard. "Thanks" I said.
"You alright there?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, I think so. Uh, when I woke up from my bed, I heard these weird noises coming from my bathroom so I walked over to the bathroom and I heard Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fthtagn." When I said this, a white crack appeared right next to me. "Yeah like that except with more demonic chanting." Harry backed away quickly.
"Holy shit!" He shouted. Porno and I just looked at him before we looked back to the portal.
"Well, what do you think is gonna come out of that crack this time?" I asked. Porno shrugged and Mac just grimaced. Suddenly from out of the portal a massive tentacle shot out and hit the bottle rack that was behind Mac and then it just dragged itself around. The patrons in the bar began to run out of the building until it was emptied of everyone but me, Harry, Mac, and Porno.
The tentacle retracted itself and I noticed that it certainly had a lot of suckers on it. Before the tentacle disappeared back into where it came from, it grabbed my left wrist and squeezed which caused me a lot of pain. It let go after a few seconds and it as well as the portal closed behind it. I looked at my wrist and saw that it had a bunch of gray circles on it.
"What the fuck was that about?" I groaned in pain as I asked.
"I think you just figured out how to summon the kraken. Now never do it again or else the White Council will be after you." Harry stated.
"What about Porno?" I asked. As I said this Porno used a tentacle to lift up my left arm and looked at the gray circles on. He poked a tentacle at one of the gray circles and I felt my arm spasm a bit. "Hey Porno, that was kinda weird. Please don't do that again." I asked. Porno nodded in reply and we both turned to look at Harry.
"The council doesn't need to know about him." Harry replied.
"So who is this White Council?" I asked.
"They monitor magic that is used and punish those who break the laws of magic." Harry stated before he turned to the bar and picked up his glass which he took a swig from.
"Great, magical cops. What's next, talking skulls?" I asked sarcastically. Harry's eyes widened comically and he coughed into his hand.
"Yeah, about that…" Harry began but was unable to finish as a loud crack like a cannon being fired sounded itself outside. Harry and I jumped slightly while Porno and Mac looked completely at ease, lucky bastards. Harry pulled his gun out once again and cocked it. Then he pulled out a rod from another pocket inside his coat.
"Wait here." Harry said as he got up from the stool and began to trudge outside. Okay that is bullshit, I'm not sitting here. I then followed after Harry while his back was turned and I heard the slurping of Porno following me.
"Alright buddy, let's go kick ass." I said with false bravado. Personally I thought that I was going to get my ass kicked in any situation and no awesome longcoat would prevent that. When Harry exited the building me and Porno crept up the steps of the bar and pushed the door open slightly to see Harry standing before a white crack in the middle of the street.
Harry put his gun up and aimed it at the portal in some expectation that something would come out of the portal like before. The portal began to glow red and suddenly a man and woman were tossed out. Both wore black suits which seemed to classify these guys to me as some sort of agency type of people. The man had short brown hair while the woman had shoulder length red hair. Both of them picked themselves up and when they saw Harry with his gun they pulled guns from out of their holsters.
"Whoever you are put the gun down now!" The woman trilled off.
"I don't know who you guys are, but if you think I'm going to put down my gun after your little light show then you're sorely mistaken." Harry replied.
"What do you mean light show? Did you see what took us here?" The man asked. Harry nodded in response.
"Yeah, you two are the second people I've met who have come out of that crack." Harry replied. Oh God, he is involving me in this isn't he. The man and woman gave him a confused look.
"What do you mean second? What was the first occurrence?" The woman asked. I guess it's my cue then. I pushed the door open and walked out onto the sidewalk. Both the man and woman looked over Harry's shoulder to see me walking up to all of them. I don't know, I think that I was able to make that good of an entrance what with me just wearing a coat and sweats but I walked up to them regardless.
"Hey there," I greeted as enthusiastically as I could with two guns pointed in my direction. "So welcome to Chicago home of random teleporting cracks. Glad to meet both of you!"
"Is this the guy you were talking about?" The man asked. Harry nodded.
"I thought I told you to stay inside the bar." Harry said with a slight angry tone in his voice.
"It was boring in there. Porno and I wanted to check out what was happening out here." I replied.
"Who is Porno?" The woman asked. Apparently that was the cue that Porno needed as he slurped by my side and waved a tentacle. Both faces of the man and woman turned into one of shock.
"Yeah, this is Porno, he has a lot of tentacles and doesn't really talk and right now he is my best friend. So don't shoot him." I said with a grin.
"What the hell is that thing?" The woman shouted out. I shrugged.
"Hell if I know." The man put his gun into its holster and held his hands in the air in a surrendering gesture much to the confusion of his partner.
"What are you doing Mulder?" The woman asked.
"Well I am trying to figure out what's going on around here and these three appear to know something at least so let's try and put away the guns and talk this out." Mulder replied with an even tone.
"I'm okay with this arrangement if you are." Harry stated to the woman in an effort to try and placate her. The woman had a look of contemplation on her face before sighing and putting her gun into its holster which Harry quickly followed suit.
"Now that we're all friends here can you tell us how you two got here?" Harry asked.
"We were investigating a case about some cultists when Scully and I heard this voice chanting 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fthtagn' which now that I think about it, sounded like your voice," Mulder said while eyeing me, "We then saw this white crack and we ended up here." Scully gave me a look when Mulder said that.
"So what are you saying that I did this?" I asked incredulously.
"Well you did say that exact phrase when the crack appeared in the bar." Harry replied to me. That traitor.
"So can you send us back to where we were before?" Mulder asked. Harry had a lot of contemplation on his face before it sparked with some type of recognition.
"Hey you two," Harry said to the duo.
"Yes." Mulder replied.
"Do you both work under cases called the X-files?" Harry asked. Mulder and Scully looked at Harry with shock.
"How did you know that?" Mulder asked. Harry sighed before turning around and waving his hand in a gesture to follow him.
"Yeah you guys are probably going to need a good drink before we are done."
I would like to say that Mulder and Scully were quite open minded when Harry told both of them about the show called 'X-files'. Personally I never saw the show. I would like to say this but while Mulder was very open minded Scully on the other hand, well…
"This is just crazy! None of this could possibly be true." Scully finished.
"Well he was able to tell us about many of our cases which nobody should know about." Mulder butted in.
"But," Harry held his hand up in an effort to silence Scully.
"Alright, we get that you don't believe any of this." Harry turned to look at Mulder, "Now what we need to figure out is why it is that whenever the kid says those words, a portal opens." Now that just annoys me.
"Hey I'm not a kid, I am nineteen!" I shouted at Harry. He just smirked in reply.
"Go get some food from Mac; we are going to be busy talking." Harry stated. Then again I was really hungry and peanuts only fill you up for so long. I turned to look at Mac who lifted his eyebrow at me slightly before walking into his kitchen. I looked over to the right of me to see that Porno was entertaining some of the patrons that had come into the bar and didn't freak out the minute they saw him.
I am definitely going to need to get Porno a disguise if we want to go around without people freaking out. Anyway I heard something slam onto the bar in front of me so I turned to look at a steaming burger on a plate with Mac standing above it.
"Thanks Mac!" I said before reaching into my pocket to pull out a twenty which I tried to hand to Mac. Mac on the other hand pushed the money in my hand back. "Wait, are you giving this to me for free?" I asked. Mac nodded in response. "You are the man!" He nodded once again before he walked away. When he left I began to eat the burger before myself and let me tell you, it tasted delicious. If it wasn't for this dimensional travel shit, I would probably say that this was totally worth it today to get to eat a delicious burger like this but alas it wasn't.
"Hey Harry," I spoke up as I ate. Harry, Mulder, and Scully turned to look at me while burger grease slid down my chin and beard. "I just had a thought; if Mulder and Scully managed to be brought here by me just saying a few words, then could anything else have come into Chicago as well?" Harry's eyes widened comically when I said this and he had only one response for this.
"Shit. This changes everything." Harry stated. He then grabbed his shot glass and downed another shot of whisky, "Guys, I don't think that this night is going to be over yet." As he said that a loud crack reverberated throughout the air. "And that's our cue." Harry got up and I did the same. Mulder and Scully after looking at each other for a few seconds in some form of silent communication, decided to get off their stools.
I heard a cough behind me and turned to see that Mac had a .44 Magnum in his hand which he put onto the bar counter he then reached under his bar and pulled out a case of bullets which he set next to the .44 Magnum. "For me?" I asked. He nodded and I smiled back in return. "You're too good for me." I then took the .44 Magnum and opened the cylinder to reveal that it was fully loaded.
With a flick of my wrist, the cylinder snapped back into the gun. I then grabbed the box of bullets and shoved it into my coat pocket before I began to walk away. I really hope that my barely there knowledge of shooting would come in handy. I mean I did manage to hit some things when my cousin took me off to the woods for target practice.
I caught up to the others who were outside by now and all of them were looking up for some reason. "Hey guys, what is it?" I asked. Porno came over to me and used one of his tentacles to point my head up so that I was looking at the sky and boy did it absolutely terrify me.
Above all of us should have been the moon in its entire glowing white splendor. Instead what we saw could best be described as what at the moon and decided that it wanted to take over its job. Above us was a red sphere that had black tentacles coming off of it that stood out brightly somehow in the dark night sky. "Harry, what the hell is that in the sky?" I asked as calmly as I could.
"I have no idea. Whatever it is, I don't think it's going to be the last thing we see tonight." He replied before he took his eyes off the moon and began to trudge away. Mulder and Scully managed to do the same while me and Porno tagged behind.
"So where are we going, Harry?" I asked.
"To my apartment, I want to stock up on what will probably a shitstorm that is about to ensue." Harry replied. Eventually Harry stopped walking and pulled out some keys from his pocket. He then walked over to a line of cars. Then he walked over to an ugly blue VW bug with mismatched doors and unlocked it. "Get it," Harry said.
"Shotgun!" I shouted. It may have seemed childish but do you know how cramped it was going to be with three people squeezed together in the back seats together. I got into the bug's front seat while Mulder and Scully were pressed up against the doors in the back seat with Porno in between them. Harry got in last and took two attempts to start the car up before it's engine revved to life.
"So, what is with this shitty car?" I asked.
"It's the only car that I can trust to be reliable and actually work when around me." Harry replied as he turned onto the road.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"Magic and technology don't like to work together. I don't know why but it's just a fundamental fact." Harry replied.
"Wait, you can do magic! Does that mean you're a wizard?" I asked with some excitement.
"On the nose kid." A thought then occurred to me.
"Wait, then that means that I can call you Harry Potter!" I replied. I think I heard Mulder chuckle at this while Harry sighed.
"Whatever." Harry replied with an annoyed tone. It was weird how I could now sum up my day as met a tentacle monster, met a wizard, and met two FBI agents. I mean how much worse could it get? The next second Harry slammed on his breaks as a portal opened up before us with that annoying crack. The portal turned red signaling that something was breaching it and suddenly and without warning a massive truck with a red a blue color scheme came barreling out of it right next to up. I managed to spot that it also had flame decals on the side of it.
Well, fun day all in all. All of us got out of the car and walked over to the front of the big rig. Now that I think about it, it had a weird face emblem on the front grill. "Is anyone in there? Could you tell us who you are?" Harry asked. In response the truck did something that none of us expected, it began transforming. Mulder, Scully, Harry, and I pulled out our guns and aimed them at the truck together in perfect synchronization.
The transforming truck on the other hand ignored our guns and kept transforming until it finally finished and had become a kneeling metal man that towered over all five of us. All of us were tense, at least I think Porno was tense, I couldn't really tell what with him not having a face.
"My name is Optimus Prime." The metal man responded. Okay, my day has officially become weird. I saw the portal close next to us out of the corner of my eye.
"Did you get here by a portal as well?" Harry asked, his gun was still trained on Optimus.
"Yes I did. How do you know about this portal, human?" Optimus asked. Harry lowered his arm and pointed to us with his left.
"These four had the same thing happen to them." Harry responded. Optimus trained his glowing blue eyes on the four of us which made me slightly nervous for some reason. I mean, a giant robot giving you a look for the first time would probably freak you guys out as well.
"Where am I?" Optimus asked while staring around at the buildings near him.
"You're right now in Chicago, home to portal displaced beings." Harry responded. Mulder, Scully, and I put our guns down.
"If you want, you can come with us to my apartment, I was going there originally to get to the bottom of this." Harry asked. Optimus nodded in reply.
"Lead the way." Harry grinned back before he began to walk away with us in tow. When we got into Harry's bug, Optimus transformed into his big rig form and lit up his headlights. "Transform and roll out!" He exclaimed. Harry then began to drive with Optimus following closely behind.
I AM INsANiTy