Title: Xander the Sperm Donor (1/?)

Author: Cyclone

Feedback: Please be gentle.

Distribution: Gimme credit and a link.

Rating: Definitely R, probably NC-17 later on.

Spoilers: Up to The Gift. Everything afterwards will be ignored.

Disclaimer: The characters depicted herein belong to the almighty Joss. I'm just borrowing them for a while.

Summary: Tara and Willow want a baby, and they know exactly who they want the father to be. Too bad they neglected to inform him...

Author's Note: Contains W/T, W/X, T/X, and suggestive situations. Reader discretion is advised.

* * *

"Okay," Tara said as she and Willow walked toward 1630 Revello Drive, "so we know what we have to do, right?"

"Yeah," Willow nodded. Then she asked hesitantly, "So, um, who goes first?"

"Uh, you," Tara said quickly. "You've known him longer."

"_Me_?" she squeaked. "But, but..."

"Also, you've been with a guy before."

Willow stuck her tongue out and shot back, "Well, you should try it sometime. This is your chance." She flashed Tara a dazzling smile of encouragement.


They continued in that vein for the next twenty minutes.

* * *

Xander was cleaning the house when the doorbell rang. Ever since Buffy had died two years ago after the fight with Glory, he'd literally moved in and started taking care of Dawn. Anya had left, annoyed with his celibacy -- he couldn't exactly have loud, unrestrained sex where Dawn could hear them, after all -- after the Slayer's death.

In fact, Anya had accused him of still being in love with her.

How little she knew. He hadn't been in love with Buffy for over five years.

He opened the door, and his face lit up when he saw who it was, "Hey, Will, Tara. What's up?"

"Nothing much," Tara replied. "I have some stuff to do, and I thought you and Willow might want to spend some time together. Later." With that, she shoved Willow inside, grabbed the door handle, and slammed it shut behind the redhead.

Xander frowned, "Is she all right, Will? She's acting kinda strange..."

"Huh?" Willow blinked, halfway into an Outrage Face. She smiled, "Oh, yeah! She's fine. We're fine." She glanced over her shoulder and glared at the door for a moment.

"Okayyy..." Xander said. Whatever was up, they'd tell him if he could help. "Um, you want a snack or something?"

"Uh, sure, I guess."

Xander led her into the kitchen and opened the fridge, "So, what do you want? In the way of drinks, we've got OJ, Coke, milk, and plain ol' water. Foods, well, we've got Chips Ahoy!, Oreos, Twinkies, and Hostess Cupcakes."

Willow stuck her tongue out, "Don't you ever eat anything _besides_ sweets?"

"Well, popcorn," Xander grinned, "but that requires a movie."

"All right," Willow smiled. "You pop the popcorn. I'll go pick out a movie."

"Works for me."

* * *

Xander carried a huge bowl of microwaved popcorn in each hand and entered the living room. With a bit of regret, he took a moment to admire the woman his childhood friend had grown into... and had to forcibly direct his eyes from her cleavage, where she'd undone the top few buttons of her blouse.

Collecting himself again, he plopped down on the couch next to her and asked nonchalantly, "So, what're we watching?"

"You'll see," Willow smiled as she hit Play on the remote.

After a moment, Xander stared at the screen, his jaw hanging open. He turned to Willow and sputtered, "American Pie? You _hate_ this movie!"

She shrugged, "So I decided to give it another try."

* * *

On the screen, a woman who could be Willow's clone was discussing what she'd done at band camp, much to Willow's discomfort... but this was her chance, her opportunity. She'd spent most of the movie maneuvering her arm around Xander's shoulders and was relieved when he reciprocated -- albeit in a purely friendly manner.

She leaned against him and whispered seductively in his ear, timing it to match the movie, "So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm gettin' kinda antsy." Her other hand crept up his thigh.

Xander froze, his mind unable to process what was happening.

*Oh... my... God. My best friend is groping me. My _lesbian_ best friend -- whom I've been madly in love with for the last five years -- is groping me and asking me if we're going to screw. Does not compute. Begin shutdown procedures.*

"Let me entertain you," she whispered, crawling over him and kneeling at his feet. She licked his lips and reached for his crotch, which sent a shudder through his body.

"Hey, Xander! I'm home!" Dawn's voice shattered the mood, and in a flash, Willow and Xander were on opposite sides of the couch, studiously watching the movie.

*I'm gonna _kill_ Dawn...* Willow thought furiously. She had been _sooo_ close...

"What's with the mega-blushes, you two?" Dawn asked. She grinned mischievously, "You're not Fluking again, are you?"


"Okayyy, geez," Dawn held her hands up in surrender. "I thought you guys were over that by now."

* * *

*Okay,* Xander thought, *that was not of the good. Willow's happy with Tara, and Tara's a very nice, sweet, lovable, incredibly hot -- do NOT go there, Alexander Lavelle Harris! -- Tara's a nice girl. I can't let the Return of the Fluke ruin things for them.*

He doused his head in cold water again and sighed. He knew he wouldn't be able to control himself if it happened again, which left him with only one solution... as distasteful as it was.

*I'm gonna have to avoid Wills for now.*

Although... it _did_ almost seem like she'd deliberately set that up...


* * *


"Gyah!" He jumped and spun around at the soft voice behind him. "T-Tara!" he sputtered. "Hi. Wh-what's up?" He took a quick look around and let out a small sigh of relief. It wouldn't do his reputation any good if the crew saw him jumping at proverbial shadows.

"Willow's worried about you," the blonde witch said. "She says you've been avoiding her. What's wrong?"

"N-nothing," he said unconvincingly. "Just some... personal matters. Nothing you should worry about."

"All right," she said, "but if you ever need to talk about something you can't talk to her about..."

He smiled, "You'll be the first I call."

Tara walked away and sat down next to Willow at the outdoor diner around the corner.

"Well?" the redhead asked anxiously.

Tara smiled sympathetically, "I think you scared him off."

"I was afraid of that," Willow pouted. She smirked and looked up, "So I guess it's up to you now."

Tara winced.

* * *

"Hi, Xander."

"Tara, hey. What's up?"

"Not much," she said. "Just seeing how you're doing. I mean, with whatever's going on with you and Willow, I figured you could use a friend."

He smiled, burying his guilt, "Thanks, Tare."

"So," Tara sat on the couch next to him, "how're you doing?"

He shrugged, "Aside from the... personal issues... I'm doing pretty good."

"That's good to hear," she said, patting his leg comfortingly.

Or at least, it looked like it was _supposed_ to be comforting, but the proximity of her hand to Little Xander only made him more tense. He did his best to hide that.

And she was either doing it deliberately or being very, very oblivious, because she left her hand resting there while she smiled at him.

"So," he said, his voice an octave higher than usual, "how're _you_?"

"I'm fine," she said. "Have things been going well on the Slaying front?"

"Oh, you know..." he said, stalling while he tried to get his brain working again. "Things're pretty slow. Nothing major since the attempted apocalypse last month. How about you? Learn any new spells?"

"Well..." she said, "we finally figured out that full-body levitation spell, but so far, it still only works when we're nude."

*Oh, God,* he thought with a mixture of delight and dread. *That image is NOT helping!*

A long and -- at least for Xander -- uncomfortable silence reigned while they each tried to figure out something to say.

"So, Xander..." Tara finally said, her face reddening slightly.

"Yeah?" he asked guardedly.

"What's it like?"

"What's what like?" he asked in return, genuinely confused.

"Sex as a man," she replied.

*Oh, shit. This cannot go anywhere good,* was his only thought.

"I mean," she stammered, "I-I've never... with a man before... and I'm kinda curious."

"W-well, why don't you ask Willow? I mean, she and Oz..."

"I did," Tara interrupted. "She says she can't describe it. So I thought maybe hearing how it is from the other end might help."

"Uh... well... that is... um... I don't see how..."

She looked away shyly. "Or... maybe... you could show me?"

There was no mistaking it this time. She was definitely reaching for Little Xander now.

*Danger, Xander Harris! Danger! Initiate panic protocols.*

He practically leaped away from the couch, as though he'd just been branded, "Um, y'know what? I-I should go. Patrol. Evil vampires, gotta Slay."

That said, he turned and fled.

She blinked after him, "But... it's daytime..."

But he was already gone.

* * *

Author's Postscript:

Just a bit of sex comedy to give me a break from the angst and romance I usually write.