Disclaimer: these characters are not mine – they belong to JK Rowling
"Tom, I think we need to have a talk." Hermione sat on the divan and rubbed her temples.
Voldemort sighed. When Hermione said she wanted to have 'a talk' it usually meant that somehow he had pissed her off again. These days, merely breathing seemed to do the trick.
"Let me guess, I have once again done something that has displeased you. You know, I thought I was difficult to please, but I think you have far surpassed even me." He snapped his fingers until Wormtail ran into the room, tripping on the rug, and landing on his face in front of Hermione's feet.
Hermione looked down on the pathetic wizard at her feet, and her gaze shot back up to Voldemort briefly, before she rolled her eyes.
"Fire whiskey, Wormtail. NOW."
Wormtail leapt to his feet and poured his master a drink while an awkward silence filled the room.
Once he had his fire whiskey in hand, and Wormtail scurried out of the room, He looked at Hermione and held out his hand granting her permission to speak.
"You may speak." He said smoothly, taking a sip of his fire whiskey.
Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, and sarcastically quipped, "Oh, why thank you, your majesty."
Voldemort smirked, her sarcasm completely lost on him.
"I wanted to talk about what happened at dinner the other night." She finally said.
"I don't see what you could possibly be upset about, the food was excellent-" he began before she cut him off angrily
"My parents have not spoken to me since, Tom." She huffed and folded her arms across her chest.
"Oh please, Hermione, those muggles were lucky that I endured their presence, not to mention it was a five star dining establishment." Voldemort snapped, picking a small piece of lint from his robes.
"Those muggles are my parents! Soon to be your in-laws, you son of a bitch!" she shouted angrily, her fists clenched at her sides.
"I'll have you know, that my mother was no such thing…or so I'm told. My Uncle though, well, I can't say the same for him." Voldemort shot back at her.
Hermione began counting under her breath, trying to rid herself of the overwhelming urge to throttle him.
"What are you doing?" he asked in annoyance
"I'm counting to ten…" she muttered as she continued to count under her breath "seven…eight…nine.."
"I can see that, but why?"
"Because you are pissing me off! There, now my eye is twitching. Great job." Hermione took a deep breath.
"Fine, so I won't call them those muggles anymore. Happy?" Voldemort hissed.
"Hardly. That's only the tip of the iceberg, darling." Hermione snapped, "As I was saying, my parents haven't spoken to me since what happened at dinner the other night."
"One would think that they should be grateful about being included in private moment, such as it was." Voldemort took another sip of his drink and stretched out his long legs, crossing them at the ankles.
"I'm sure they would have appreciated the sentiment more, had they in any way been prepared for what the evening would hold." Hermione glared.
"Watching their only daughter become engaged to the Dark Lord wasn't enough for them? Hermione, not even my inner circle was invited to witness such an event." Voldemort sniffed haughtily and swirled his drink around his glass.
"Well, I'm sure your inner circle would have appreciated it much more than my parents when you crucio'd the waiter because your asparagus was overcooked." Hermione spat
"You know I do not tolerate mistakes, Hermione. I can guarantee, that waiter will never ruin anyone else's meal ever again." He retorted as if he'd actually done the man a favor.
"And let's not forget your proposal!" Hermione stood from the couch looking down at him with her hands on her hips.
"I'm the Dark Lord, Hermione, don't tell me you expected hearts and flowers…besides, I did present you with an exquisite ring."
"Oh, yes, how could I forget about the ring, Tom? It was still attached to the dead woman's hand!"
"Oh calm down, it wasn't anyone you know."
"That is so not the point!" Hermione shrieked and actually stomped her foot.
"If I am so spectacularly falling short of your expectations, then why did you accept, hmm? I'm not about to change, Hermione."
Hermione sighed once again, "I know, and I don't expect you to. Well, that isn't entirely true…I was hoping we could tone down the blackness in your soul to maybe a dark grey…"
"Hermione…" he said warningly
"Fine. You want to know the truth?" She said exasperatedly.
"I expect nothing less." he said dangerously
"You are an unbelievable bastard that drives me completely mad sometimes, but you are a God in the sack. It makes absolutely no sense at all, and I've long ago given up on looking for a rational explanation, but somehow along the way, for reasons I can't fathom, I fell in love with you anyway."
Voldemort smirked, "A God you say?"
Hermione blushed fiercely.
"You know as well as I do that I've never had orgasms like that before." Hermione admitted sheepishly.
"Oh, so you mean Potter and Weasley weren't getting the job done properly then?" He quipped, clearly enjoying this much more than he should.
"Potter? Why on earth would you ever think I slept with Harry?" Hermione asked in confusion.
"Are you saying you haven't?" he asked, his curiosity now piqued.
"Of course not! Honestly, I don't think I would've even been able to fit in the bed with his over inflated ego…what with him being the chosen one and all." Hermione scoffed.
"And Weasley? I see you conveniently didn't deny that." Voldemort chuckled.
"It was one time, and we were both drunk. Once I saw that the curtain matched the drapes, I was already regretting that decision." Hermione admitted.
Voldemort chuckled darkly.
"So, may I ask, who had the honor of being undesirable number 2?" Voldemort questioned while he swirled his drink around his glass.
"Not that it's any of your business, but Viktor Krum." Hermione sniffed.
"Huh. I wouldn't have expected him." Voldemort said cryptically.
"What is that supposed to mean?" she shot back. Was he making fun of her now?
"He's not particularly intelligent, is he." He said knowingly while smirking at her.
"Viktor was more of a physical being. He wasn't particularly loquacious, but he was rather good at oral sex." Hermione said nonchalantly.
Voldemort's eyes widened and he promptly spit out his drink.
"My, my, my, aren't we just full of secrets…" he finally said once he had recovered himself.
Hermione smirked, "And you're not? Please…Mister 'Horcruxes R Us'"
Voldemort glared at her, but allowed her insult to go unpunished…for now.
"Back to what I was saying…My parents still aren't speaking to me." Hermione brought them back on topic.
"And what do you expect me to do about that?" He huffed indignantly
"Well, since I know it'll be a cold day in hell before they can ever expect an apology…maybe you would reconsider my father's offer?" Hermione hedged
"I'm not calling him 'Dad' if that's what you mean." He quipped.
Hermine chuckled at the mental image, "Ah, no…I meant that you should consider allowing my parents to help with the baby when it arrives." Hermione explained.
"How many times have we discussed this, Hermione? The child will be perfectly well taken care of-"
She interrupted once again before he could finish, "And how many times have I pointed out that Nagini is not a suitable babysitter! Have you ever watched the news, Tom?" She sighed in exasperation.
"Nagini is perfectly capable-"
Voldemort glared at her.
"Fine. But when the baby starts hissing at you, and you don't understand what it wants, don't come running to me." He said crossing his arms over his chest.
"…the baby will…hiss at me?" Hermione asked in disbelief
"Every generation descended from Salazar Slytherin has been a Parselmouth." He said matter of fact.
"Also…we still haven't agreed on a name, Tom. And before you ask, we're not calling him Voldemort Jr." She said patting her stomach absent mindedly
"What about Mephistopheles? That is a fine name worthy of my offspring." Voldemort offered thoughtfully.
"You can't be serious." Hermione dead panned
"What is wrong with it?" he snapped
"Seeing as you already ruled out any child of yours carrying your last name, because you just can't seem to accept that your dad sucked as a parent and move on, any first name we choose will be paired with Granger."
"Mephistopheles Granger. Really, Tom?"
"What is wrong with that?"
"Oh nothing, unless you want your child to be bullied and friendless.
Voldemort sighed. He remembered all too well how cruel kids could be…especially since he was usually the one to bully them.
"Well what do you suggest? And before you even say it, we're not naming him after your father."
"And what is wrong with naming him after my father?"
"Aside from the fact that he's a filthy-"
Hermione sent him a warning glare.
"…a perfectly normal muggle, I'm not naming my child Dick. I can see it now…My Lord, I hope your Dick is behaving today." He said distastefully as he made a face
"Okay, fine, point taken." She said as she tried to get her laughter under control while Voldemort continued to glare at her.
"We could just skip the whole naming thing altogether and call him 'He who must not be named…" Hermione tried to keep a straight face but failed miserably.
"That is not funny, Hermione."
"Oh Merlin, yes it is! Can you imagine when people at University ask me about my family? I can say, Oh I'm Hermione Granger. I'm married to you know who, and my son is he who must not be named."
"Don't make me crucio a pregnant woman."
"You wouldn't dare.
"Wouldn't I?" he smirked at her, knowing it was an empty threat.
"Fine. What other names do you have in mind?" She asked stifling her laughter.
"Adonis?" he offered unabashedly
Hermione raised an eyebrow at the arrogance the name itself held, but at least it was better than Mephistopheles.
"I suppose it could work, not that I want the kid to be born with an ego that could rival Harry's…"
"Well, he is my son."
Hermione nodded thoughtfully.
"That he is. He's already making far too many demands in there for a being of that size."
"What do you mean?" He asked not sure he wanted to know
"Well, He kicks me a lot when I'm trying to sleep, jumps up and down on my bladder at the most inopportune times, and make me crave the certain foods…"
"Like what kinds of foods?" he asked curiously
Hermione suddenly looked very guilty.
"I see that look, Hermione, what have you been eating?"
*cough* pizza *cough*
"What was that? It almost sounded like…"
"…pizza. Lots of it."
Voldemort made a disgusted face, "Disgusting muggle cuisine. You're feeding my child filthy muggle food?" he glared at her annoyed.
"He apparently likes it very much, because I get these cravings and I…"
"You will not feed my child that-"
"Have you ever actually tried it?"
"Of course not, I would never lower myself to-"
"Then how do you know you don't like it?"
"It's the principle, Hermione." He sniffed haughtily.
"Principle or not, I'm not raising my child with this blind prejudice you seem to have, which by the way, you've never once have actually been able to argue with any shred of logic."
"I beg your pardon?" Voldemort's eyes widened. How dare she?
"You heard me. You're a hypocrite, Tom. You want to rule the world on the basis that muggles and muggleborns are trash, yet you yourself have no problem whatsoever shagging and marrying a muggleborn witch, not to mention the fact that you are only a half blood. This child will only be a quarter blood. You need to get off that high horse you are on, and join the rest of us in a little thing called Reality." She stood once again with her hands on her hips.
Voldemort's eyes widened in shock at her audacity.
"Hermione, I am the Dark Lord; you will not-"
"Look, I'm not trying to fight with you, believe it or not…I'm trying to get you to see that there is so much more in this world than this tiny bubble you've created for yourself. Maybe if you…"
"No. This discussion is over." He snapped.
"Fine. If you change your mind, I'll be in the dining room having lunch. It would please me if you joined me." Hermione said softly before she left the room.
Hermione sighed happily as she lifted the slice of bacon pizza to her lips. She had never been one for enjoying greasy food, but being pregnant seemed to change all of that.
She heard footsteps and a throat clear from the doorway.
She extended her hand to the chair across from her, inviting her fiancé to sit across from her.
"What is that you are eating? I could smell it all the way from the other room."
"Here, why don't you have some. It's delicious."
She put a slice of pizza on a plate and slid it over to him.
He looked at it questioningly, and sniffed it before flicking his eyes up towards hers.
She raised her eyebrow at his inspection of the food and took a bite of her own slice.
He picked up the knife and fork and began to elegantly cut the pizza into small bites. Hermione bit back a smirk as she lifted her own slice with her hand and took another bite.
Finally, he speared a piece with this fork, and took a bite. As he chewed, his eyes slipped shut and he actually groaned.
"It's good then, I take it?"
By now, he was practically inhaling the rest of the small bites he had cut, and was too focused on his food to deign to answer her until he had eaten it all.
"This is exquisite. Why have we never had this before?" Voldemort asked accusingly, as if she had been holding out on him.
"Speak for yourself, I've had this plenty of times." She said cryptically.
He looked down at the slice on his plate, which by now was number four…
"Hermione, what did you say this was again?"
"I didn't." she said simply, smirking.
He scowled at her.
"And on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best food you've ever tasted, how would you rank this?" She asked
By now, Voldemort had abandoned the knife and fork, as it only slowed the process of getting this glorious food into his mouth, and he looked at her thoughtfully.
"I would have to say it's at least an eight…I can't stop eating it!" he said while looking at the slice in his hands as if it was the most precious thing in the world.
Hermione smiled knowingly.
"So what do you call this, then?" he asked her again.
"Pizza." Hermione snickered.
"Did I mention that we would be having company over for dinner this evening?" Hermione said casually while sifting through the dresses in her closet.
"No, you didn't. And who, might I ask, will be joining us?" He had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He hoped it wasn't her parents again.
"Harry and Ginny."
Voldemort scowled. Why must Potter plague him at every turn? He couldn't even eat a meal in peace these days without the annoying reminder of the boy who deserved a good beating.
"Look, I know what you're going to say, but you made a deal with me, Tom, and I am not allowing you to back out of it now." She said defiantly.
"I don't recall making any sort of deal that included dining with Potter." He spat venomously.
"Well, not specifically, no…but you do recall that little potion I brewed for you, don't you? Because I seem to recall you promising me that if I brewed you the potion, that you would grant me a favor in return."
Voldemort sighed. He did agree to that. Having his younger body and face back though, was worth at least a hundred dinners with Potter. Not to mention the added benefit of Hermione's over active sex drive.
"Fine." Voldemort spat.
"Please try to be nice." Hermione looked at him pointedly in the mirror.
About an hour later, Hermione greeted Harry and Ginny at the door. Ginny looked pale as if she was about to be sick on her shoes, and Harry greeted her stiffly.
"I'm so glad you could both make it." Hermione said genuinely happy to see them.
"Don't mention it." Harry said awkwardly, wanting to be anywhere else but there. He had only agreed to this dinner for Hermione's sake, since she was intent on marrying Voldemort much to Harry's dismay.
Voldemort stood in the doorway behind her leaning casually against the doorframe looking like a model straight from GQ.
"Potter. Miss Weasely" he drawled.
Ginny's eyes widened even further as her eyes raked over his form. What happened to pasty snake face? Ginny blushed as she remembered the last time she had seen him looking like this, from when she had been talking to him through his diary. She never did tell Harry about how utterly attractive she had thought he was then. Hermione was a lucky bitch.
"Voldemort." Harry said shooting a death glare at him.
"Would you care for a drink? Hermione offered playing the hostess. She had vehemently put her foot down when Voldemort had suggested that Wormtail could do it. She wanted that disgusting rat out of their house, and she definitely didn't want him anywhere near Harry.
"Wine would be excellent, Thank you." Ginny said politely, needing a drink to calm her frazzled nerves.
After Hermione poured wine for Ginny, and Fire Whiskey for Harry and her fiancé, she went to go take her seat next to Tom on the sofa. She squeaked in surprise when she was pulled unceremoniously onto his lap instead.
"Hermione tells me that you've been working for the Ministry, Potter. Have you found such work to be…satisfying?" Tom asked to make an attempt at conversation for Hermione's sake, through truthfully, he could care less what Potter thought.
"I suppose it's had its benefits. Just last week, I had the good fortune of escorting Lucius Malfoy to Azkaban." He said snidely, wanting to taunt Voldemort.
"Yes, well, Lucius has had it coming, I suppose. Is it true that when he was caught, he was actually carrying around a…bag of dicks?" Tom asked innocently.
Hermione choked on her tea.
Harry narrowed his eyes at Voldemort. How did he know about that? Unless…
"I mean, I cannot even imagine what one would want to do with a whole bag of dicks…" Tom said smirking.
Harry's lips twitched despite himself. If Voldemort had anything to do with it, maybe Hermione was having a good influence on him after all.
"Shall we eat? The dining room is this way…" Hermione stood breaking the awkward silence and gestured for everyone to follow her to the next room.
Harry and Ginny took their seats opposite Hermione and Tom, and much like the tables at Hogwart's, their dinner suddenly appeared on large platters before them on the table.
Harry and Ginny made no move to take any food, and Hermione scowled.
"Oh honestly, Harry, the food isn't poisoned." Hermione said in irritation spooning a rather large scoop of mashed potatoes onto her plate.
Harry and Ginny both looked properly chastised and began to serve themselves. Once everyone else had taken their food, Voldemort wandlessly waved his hand so his food would appear on his plate. Show off.
Ginny kept her eyes trained on her plate, taking small bites of food, not daring to look at Tom Riddle who was sitting across from her, watching her and Harry closely with this dark gaze.
She jumped in surprise when she felt Harry's hand land lightly on her knee, giving it a small squeeze. She felt comforted, and let her posture relax slightly, as she listened to Hermione talk about some of her plans for the wedding. Eventually, Harry removed his hand, and she could almost forget that she was sitting in Voldemort's dining room, having a surprisingly good meal, and drinking a glass of wine.
After dinner was cleared, and dessert appeared on the table, Ginny's cheeks had grown noticeably warm, as she had consumed a little more wine than she had intended. She jumped once again when she felt something smooth and warm glide along her inner thigh. Her eyes darted to Harry, who was not looking in her direction. She dared look across the table at Tom, who was looking bored, sipping from his glass of fire whiskey. His eyes shifted almost imperceptibly to her, before flicking back over at Hermione.
Ginny tried to ignore the warmth creeping up her inner thigh, until it brushed lightly across the front of her knickers, and she gasped in surprise.
"Miss Weasley, are you unwell?" Tom said smoothly, gazing at her with his dark fathomless eyes.
"Uh…I'm fine. She said quickly, shooting a glare at Harry wondering what he was playing at.
"What are you doing?" She hissed quietly at Harry, low enough that the other's wouldn't hear.
"What are you talking about?!" Harry whispered back
"You just…touched me…under the table." Ginny whispered her cheeks as red as her hair.
"I have no idea what you are talking about…" Harry said narrowing his eyes at Voldemort.
A Minute later, Ginny felt it again, and she moaned before she could stop herself. Tom's eyes widened and flicked over to Harry. He didn't have the nerve to fondle his girlfriend under the table in his dining room, did he? If so, Bravo Mister Potter.
Hermione sat, quite oblivious sipping her tea when she felt Tom's hand slither over her thigh under the table. Her eyes flicked up to him, and his face remained impassive, as he listened to Harry drone on about working at the ministry. Hermione gasped a moment later, quickly covering it with a yawn, when she felt Toms fingers slip beneath her knickers and begin to tease her. He wasn't about to be outdone in his own house.
Ginny once again sat up straighter suddenly and bit her lip as she once again felt something pressing insistently against her knickers. This time, she slipped her own hand beneath the table and ran it along what had been touching her in her most intimate of places. It was warm, smooth, and scaly…wait a minute.
Ginny's eyes widened as she glanced under the table to see two beady yellow eyes staring up at her from between her legs, and she shrieked.
Hermione, Harry, and Tom all sprung from the table, wands drawn, as they looked at Ginny. Ginny scooted back from the table so quickly, she almost knocked her chair over in haste to get away from the great snake.
Hermione let out a breath of relief when she saw Nagini slither out from under the table.
"Tom, I thought I asked you to put Nagini in her crate? Hermione huffed looking over at Tom indignantly.
"It must've slipped my mind." He said with amusement coloring his voice.
"Well, thank you for dinner, we must really do it again sometime. Would you look at the time? Harry, we really should be going." Ginny said quickly wanting to put as much distance between her and Voldemort's blasted snake as she could.
"Oh, of course…" Hermione said awkwardly as she watched Ginny pull Harry out of the house and apparate away.
"Well, that went well." Tom smirked at her.
Hermione scowled at him.
"Don't think for a moment that you aren't going to finish what you started in there." Hermione said raising her eyebrow at her fiancé.
"Tom smirked at her, pulling her into his arms as his lips brushed her ear, "I don't do things by halves, Hermione…" he whispered huskily.
And just like that, he carried her up the stairs and to their bedroom, kicking the door closed with his boot.
A/N: I couldn't help myself, there was a little more fun to be had, so there's you're epilogue…I hope you enjoyed it! Not much in the way of smut, I'm afraid, but, I am working on some additional Tom/Hermione fics that have lots of smut. They aren't crack fics like this one, but I also have a few ideas for those up my sleeve as well.