It's been two months since Killian went out of the hospital, a month of him doing physical therapy and getting frustrated by not making any progress, even when he's been warned about it, told to be patient. He was constantly on pain, because he was pushing himself too hard, and his frustration was proportional to how much Emma's belly grew. Right now, Emma is waiting for him to get out from physical therapy, waiting patiently in the car, thinking of a way to cheer him up, she was running out of ideas.
She saw him walked out of the building and she smiled widely, happy to see him as always, but when she really noticed his face her smile faltered, he was clearly in one of his moods, again. He noticed the car and walked straight to it, opened the door and sat next to her "Hi" she said with a little smile.
"Hello" he answered not even looking at her. She frowned slightly and started the car.
"How was therapy?" she asked and even when she knew it may be the wrong question right now, she really wanted to know. He looked at her with a frown on his face.
"I had so much fun" he answered sarcastically.
"Hey! I really care" he only turned to look out his window. Emma tried again another approach "I was thinking we order Chinese and sit in front of the fire, what do you say?"
"I'm really not in the mood. You should leave me at my office, I'll come home later" he said coldly and she felt awful, since she met him he never rejected her before so bluntly.
"Really? I just came for you… What am I? Your Uber" she said pissed. She would have come to pick him up even if he only wanted a lift to his work place, but she was expecting to spend some time with him. With all his brooding lately, she really missed him, missed them, the way they were before of this car accident. And to be honest she was getting bigger and bigger and she was feeling a bit self conscious, Killian hasn't made a move on her this past two months and when she did and things seemed to heat up, he looked uncomfortable and used his hand as an excuse.
"I didn't ask you to come. You came and texted me you were outside" he mumbled. Her temper flaired, but she has learned to keep it down, she took a deep breath, once, twice.
"Yeah, silly me. I'll drive you wherever you want to go, then I'll leave you alone" she said feigning understanding.
The rest of their drive was silent, and she was using all of her might not to cry, she was so upset, all she wanted to do was cry it out. They arrived at the docks, she parked close to his office, and didn't turn to say goodbye, she just look up right in front of her. He opened the door but hesitated to go out, finally he sighed.
"Look…I'm sorry, I don't feel good. I'm not good company right now" he explained softly and she only nodded without looking at him. A few seconds passed and finally he got out of the car. When the loud noise of the door closing reached her, she closed her eyes for a few seconds. But before she started crying on this empty parking lot, she opened her eyes again and started her drive home.
She entered the loft and took a look around, it felt cold, lonely, sad. She envisioned a different ending for the day. She find herself alone most of the time now, even when Killian was at home he always was doing something elsewhere, usually at the baby's bedroom. He's been having a terrible war with the baby crib they bought at New York. Everytime he sat down to work on it, trying to ensemble it, it became a lost battle, it was a terribly hard work with just one hand. He was not accepting any help with it, each time she offered her help or suggested calling one of their friends Killian ended up offended and upset, one time they screamed nonsense to each other, so she'd learned to leave him to it, he's been making little progress with it.
They are now far away from the happy couple they were, but she understands is hard for Killian to get use to live a life with just one hand that works. But she finds herself crying a lot lately, sometimes she locks herself in the bathroom until she calms down.
Their intimacy has suffered tremendously, at first it was because of his recovery, now is because of his frustration, when he instinctively tries to touch her with his left hand and he ends up hurting himself or…she wasn't sure, maybe he might feels she is disgusted by it, that be stupid, she's been the one who changed his bandages every day, with love and care. Now she's felling and looking huge, heavy, swelled up, and as sexy as a gigantic elephant, she has lost her confidence, so she'd stop trying.
It was getting dark and there was no sing from Killian, from the mood he had earlier she could predict he'd be home as late as he can, hoping she is already asleep when he gets home. Then an awful though hit her hard, so hard that her heart started pounding rapidly with the idea. 'Killian doesn't want to be around her anymore'.
How couldn't she saw it before, was she this in love that she was ignoring every rejection? It was there, in his eyes every time he looked at her, or wasn't looking at her, he was avoiding her eyes a lot lately. She still believes, or wants to believe this is all about his hand and his pain and frustrations, but it was still there, he doesn't want to be around her, maybe he didn't think she could help him, he only sees in her another problem to take care of, and he's not up to it right now. The tears returned with force.
What was the point of being with someone who doesn't want you around, who doesn't want to spend any amount of time with you, who comes home late at night hoping you'll be sleeping already, who leaves too early in the morning or doesn't wake up until you are gone, who gets upset because you decided to go for him to his therapy. And the most important question of all, why was she letting another man to make her feel alone and rejected?
Soon her baby will be here, and this is not the environment she wants to raise him. She doesn't want this for her son. And she won't make Killian even more uncomfortable at his own home. Maybe he needs space and time to recover without a woman around who's about to pop a baby out of her.
Yes, life can and it will get harder. Now he's a fucking cripple who won't be able to hold his son when is born, wonderful. And to make everything more difficult he was ruining his relationship with Emma. He knows he is been cranky and annoyed, and is never because of her, is because of him and everything he can't do now, he can't even touch her properly, he's been trying to ensemble the freaking crib and failing, hating everytime Emma suggested help. He doesn't want help, he wants to be able to take care of his family on his own. He can't even help Emma get the bags from the supermarket, he has to watch his pregnant girlfriend carry many bags when he can only hold a few, and hating her stubbornness, he would make as many trips to the car as he has to, just to not watch her struggle with things she shouldn't be doing, but who can argue with a pregnant Emma Swan. He can't even give her a proper rub on the feet when they are swollen, is stupid and unhelpful with just one hand. He can't even consider making love to her without hurting himself in the process.
And to all the things he can't do now, it adds the way she looks at him every time he disappoints her, every time she tried to seduce him and he excused himself, every time she tries to do something nice and he's not in the mood, like earlier.
He was on a terrible mood already when he received the text that she was waiting for him outside of the hospital, therapy was painful and unhelpful, it's stupid to make therapy if nothing is going to change. Now the woman he should be driving around by now, because that was his plan for this stage of her pregnancy, is driving around her crippled boyfriend who can't help her do anything.
He didn't mean to hurt her feelings and he felt even worst when he noticed he did. Maybe she was better with him out of the way for a while, he'll come home later when she is getting ready for bed, hopefully already asleep, tomorrow he'll make a better effort for her, for them.
When he got home that night Emma wasn't there, it was late, so if she wasn't there maybe she didn't want to be around him tonight, maybe he really hurt her feelings this time whit his attituted. He took his cellphone out and called her. It went straight to voice mail, but he didn't leave one, what was he supposed to say? He texted her.
"Where are you?" he waited a few minutes, no response.
"I just need to know you are ok" he texted again. He knows she left on her own accord, and she is ok somewhere, he just needs confirmation or he'll gone crazy. Most of her things are still there, but her suitcase is missing and probably some clothing.
He sat at the couch, all the lights of the loft off. He feels detached, he knows he did this, and now he is wondering if this is what he was looking forward to happen without even knowing, to push her away, to be alone again to be miserable. His phone finally biped.
"I'm fine" was all her response.
His heart sunk, a knot formed in his throat. He let the dreadfull feelings run through him, he deserves it, he did this. He was playing to be a family man, but this is really who he is, his injury exposed him, and Emma didn't deserve it, it didn't deserve someone like him, broken, unhappy, unable to take all the beautiful things she was offering. He eventually felt asleep right there, sitting on the couch, he is not worthy of their bed.
He woke up the next morning as soon as the sun filled the loft with light. His hand hurt, his back hurt, his heart hurt. But still, he didn't want to do anything about it, why to rush Emma back, he still was a crippled and miserable man. He wants to ask her to come back, to call her and leave a million different voice mails asking for forgiveness, promising things will get better, but she deserves honesty, he can't promise any of that, wherever she is, probably with August or the Nolan's, she's being taken care of, anyone can do a better job than him.
A couple of weeks went by, he barely left the loft, and his drinking when up day by day. Sometimes he heard knocks on the door, maybe Tink, maybe Will, maybe David, he didn't even want to know. Those three names flared up on his phone often, the only one he answered once or twice was Will's because of job, until he asked him to please take care of everything for a few days and he stopped calling. The only reason his phone was on all the time was in the exceptional case Emma wanted to call or text or anything, he'll be there to pick up.
Sometimes in his drunken states he even texted her, little honest sentences, like "I miss you" or "I love you" and even once he texted an "I'm sorry", she never texted back, but it was ok, he didn't want her to text back, he just wanted her to know how he feels. And he wished he could make her promises, but he couldn't. Just typing on his phone was a struggle with just one hand, and it was a sound reminder of his situation.
Now he was out of rum, and he needed more, he needed to feel numb, so he went out to buy a few bottles to last for a few more days. He was gone for maybe an hour, and when he got back he found Emma's yellow bug parked in front of his building, he got anxious and felt relieved he hasn't had a drop of alcohol today. He was unkempt, he haven't shave in maybe a week or even more, he hasn't changed clothes in a couple of days, he was a mess, but he didn't care, he wanted to see her. So he hurried up.
When the elevator opened he found August with a couple of suitcases and a box. The two men looked at each other for a few seconds and Killian's heart felt suddenly so heavy in his chest.
"Hey, man" August broke the silence, Killian moved aside to give space for Emma's friend to move the things he had whit him out of the elevator. Killian looked intently to the suitcases, he couldn't use his words. August put everything down and looked at Killian in the eyes "She's waiting for you upstairs".
Killian took a deep breath and nodded, preparing for what is coming. August gave a last look of pity before the elevator's doors closed. He knew this was going to happen, that's why he's been drinking so much lately, he knows he lost her, but he can't get her back, he is too broken.
He opened the door and found Emma sitting at the kitchen island with a cup of tea, she is so beautiful, she is so perfect, she deserves better, she deserves a whole man.
"Hi" she said softly when she saw him walked in. Oh damn, he should kneel in front of her and asked her to stay, he should hug her to his body and never let her go, but that be selfish, and he loves her too much for that.
"Hello, love" he walked and stood up in front of her, at the other side of the island. That was on purpose, the kitchen island would serve a shield, to keep him from holding her, to allow him to let her go.
"I came to gather my stuff" she said and he nodded. "But I didn't want to run out without you even noticing, you deserve better" a long silence passed.
"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything I promised, you deserve better than me" she was listening intently, until his last statement, it made her frown.
"You don't get to decide what I do or I don't deserve…When you woke up from that car accident I was so happy, so happy that I didn't lose you, that we still have a future together, but I was wrong, I did lose you on that car accident. The man that woke up that day from that surgery is not the man I fell in love with. If you ever find that man again, give me a call. I really may want to talk to him" a lone tear left her right eye and she cleaned it quickly. He didn't know what to say, she couldn't explain their situation better than she did "Maybe if the baby wasn't on the way, I'll stay as long as it takes to bring you back. But I won't put a baby to this situation between us, he needs to be born surrounded by love and light and happiness" Killian looked at down at her bump, to his son or maybe not, he lost his claim on this baby by losing himself, she's right, he's not fit to be anyone's father.
They look at each other for a long while, then she nodded and walked towards the front door, he couldn't resist one last honest confession and before she opened the door he called her name and she stopped, turning around to face him. He walk closer, closer enough to smell the fragrance of her hair, he studied her eyes and knew she was paying real attention to whatever he was going to say next "There's not a day will go by I won't think of you"
"Good" was her answer, then she turned around and left, the door closing worked in a literal and figurative way, it hurts, tremendously. He wished again he could promise her anything to keep her here, but he couldn't lie to her, he doesn't know anymore what he can or can't do. So he let her go and his heart broke, he could feel it breaking in little pieces, he didn't just let Emma go, he let go this son he's been expecting, who he haven't met but already feels as his own, he let go of the only family he had left.
N/A: I'm back, and I will finish this story, no matter how long it takes. It stayed with me all this time. I was dreading to write this chapter, its the one I know is coming since the beggining, and I hope I made it justice, because it hurted to write it, I swear. I was so into Killian that I felt for him. Hope you ejoy it! I apologizes for my poor sentences sometimes, I'm not an english speaker, so I do my best and hope for you guys to enjoy it!