I managed to get this done, lord only knows how. I'll write some more as soon as I can, but enjoy this little bit for now.


Naked man in Car Parks


"Hey, Cho, your turn." Dee said.

"Regardless of what may be written on the bathroom walls, I have not slept with anyone of the same gender." Cha announced, blushing very red.

After a few sniggers, Remus and Sirius both got a bit more naked. After a few puzzled stares Remus exclaimed, "Not with each other!"


Snape threw in a shoe.

"What?!" Came the surprised yelps.

"Again, I'm surprised he's slept with anyone at all" Ginny said in an amused voice.

"Is that a cunning ploy to get Snape to shag you, Ginny?" Draco teased.

"Maybe." Ginny admitted craftily. "Hell, if he kissed that good I want to know what the rest of it's like."

"You couldn't get any chicks, so you took up the other side, eh? Really, Severus, what poor male did you inflict yourself upon." Sirius remarked snidely. Although he and Snape got along much better these days, old habits were hard to break, and some opportunities were too great to pass up.

"Sirius, that's not fair!" Exclaimed Hermione angrily. "You just admitted you've slept with a man, and no one said anything about that. Why must you say something when Professor Snape admits to the same thing!"

"Because I honestly don't believe he could have gotten anyone in bed, let alone a man, without a terrific struggle or some sort of heavy sedation. Hell, he probably raped the poor man!"

"Sirius! That's enough!" Remus shouted, grabbing Sirius roughly by the shoulder, and giving him a shake.

"He's right," Snape whispered and looked stonily at the floor. Everyone stopped dead and turned to Snape. When he spoke again, his voice was cold and flat and dead. "Dark Revel."

There was a tense awkward silence as the meaning of Snape's words sunk in. Suddenly Dee jumped up and exclaimed in a cheerful, false tone, "Oh, look at that! The film's over. Time to go."

"But we haven't finished playing yet!" Neville, who was a bit slow on the uptake, complained.

"We'll finish next time, ducky," Dee consoled, "I'll come visit you over in England and we'll play Kevin Smith Drinking Games."

"Eh?" Came the puzzled reply.

"Kevin Smith. Dead hilarious filmmaker. There are drinking games for all of his movies. I'll bring one over when I visit and we'll get bloody plastered! It'll be hella great fun! Now come on, let's get dressed."

The group sorted out their belongings and after getting all of the proper articles of clothing onto all of the proper body parts, they headed out to the lobby to meet up with Dumbledore and McGonagle.

"So, how did it go?" Remus asked a frowning McGonagle.

"Bad. Very bad."

"Honestly, Minerva. I thought it was quite delightful." Dumbledore protested, patting her lightly on the arm.

"Albus, Neville was eaten for dinner, and we have to have group sex in a swimming pool." Snapped McGonagle, shaking his arm off agitatedly.

"Really! That sounds great!" Draco exclaimed.

"Oi!" Neville protested.

"Yea, Draco! Have some decency! Group sex with Dumbledore and Snape involved sounds great to you?! My God, man! How desperate are you, really?!" Ginny asked in mock horrified tones.

Draco pondered this for a minute before turning a bit green. "Um, Never mind."

"So where to now?" Harry asked Dee as they trooped across the deserted parking lot of the theatre.

"Home. Yous Guyses to yours, and me to mine."

"What?! Already!?" Everyone but the adults complained.

"'Yous Guyses? Are those even words?" Remus asked.

"I'm very sorry dears, but we must go home. We've been gone quite a while now. We can portkey from here if no one has any objections." Dumbledore said, producing a battered looking rag from his pocket.

"Well, I'll see yous guys later." Dee waved as she headed for her ancient Bug Bus.

"Dee, come with us!" Ginny implored, throwing her arms around the other girl. "It'll be great! We'll have so much fun, and you can stay with us at the castle!"

"Oh, I'll be at Hogwarts in a few days. I think you'll live until then." Dee said, patting Ginny's back.

"What?! Why?!" Snape did a double take. A moment ago, he had been nearly delirious with joy with the knowledge that he could get out of this godforsaken dress and he could put this whole ruddy evening behind him. Now he came to find out that this whole bloody evening was about to follow him home.

Sensing his displeasure, Dee began to bait him. "Dumbledore's made me director." Dee sang as she danced in circles around him.

"For god's Sake, Albus! Why on earth would you do a thing like that!"

"Well, it's not as if Hogwarts has anyone that's as brimful of Rocky knowledge as me. Who better?"

"Just about anyone on this bloody godforsaken planet, that's who!"

"Face it, man. You're stuck with me for the next six months."

The following events happened in the space of a few seconds:

Snape snarled and lunged for Dee's throat. Hermione, and Cho screamed, while Remus and Sirius dashed forward to stop him. Dorie smiled serenely and sidestepped Snape, matador style , and tapped him lightly on the head with a slender, dark wand she had apparently conjured out of thin air, because it sure as hell wasn't there before.

And so it was that Severus Snape found himself standing in the parking lot of a theatre bare-ass naked except for a tiny black thong.

Harry, Ron and Neville immediately began to claw out their eyes, screaming about burning and mind-rape. Cho, Ginny, Professor McGonagle and Hermione were enjoying the view and assessing the goods.

"Wow. Great abs." Cho admirered.

"Holy crap, check out those guns." Ginny commented.

"Impressive I'll admit, though he could stand some sunlight. Look at that skin. He's practically glowing, he's so pale!" McGonagle could never give a complement graciously.

"My god! That bulge is the size of Manhattan!" Hermione exclaimed, practically drooling. Remus and Sirius were laughing too hard to actually formulate words, and Dorie looked as if she were about to burst with pride.

"I have officially lost all faith in any sort of higher deity." Snape commented, trying desperately to keep his privates private

"I think he's suffered enough, Miss Dorie. Return out Potions Master's clothing, if you please." Dumbledore chuckled.

Dorie pouted for a second, before carelessly waving a hand in Snape's general direction. Snape's heavy black teaching robes appeared just as suddenly as his previous clothing had vanished. He was instantly floored by the effects of killer humidity on a wool clothed body. "I don't care what anyone anyone says, wool does NOT breathe." Snape's voice floated up from his prone position on the warm asphalt of the parking lot.

"You're a witch!?" Everyone exclaimed at Dorie.

"Born and bred. Well, the born part anyway. Raised muggle." Dee shrugged a shoulder and smiled at them.

"Why didn't tell us?" Ron demanded.

"You didn't ask. And besides, s'not that big a deal."

"Yes it is a big deal! It's a very big deal!!" Ron exclaimed, waving his arms about wildly

"I'm going to pretend you're not being a ginormous ass." Dorie remarked, trying very hard to ignore the fact that Ron was being really rude.

"Honestly! How can you stand to live like a muggle? They're so slow! They don't even have chocolate frogs!" Ron kept talking, Hermione and Harry were trying to shush him, but Ron was impervious to their distractions.

"Because chocolate frogs are not the most important things in this world." Dorie had turned her back on Ron at this point, and was walking away before she could be tempted to hurt him too badly. Ron was oblivious to her subtle way of telling him to shut it, so he followed her, still shouting, "Being a wizard is better than being a muggle in so many ways!"

Dorie's eyes slitted menacingly and suddenly Ron was even more naked than Snape had been. The girls started clawing their eyes out, and screaming about burning and mind-rape while everyone else just laughed.

"Um..truce?" Ron croaked.

Dorie shrugged, and then winked saucily at him. Ron's clothing was instantly restored to his body.

"Oh, thank God!" Draco exclaimed.

"Oi! Wos that supposed to mean?" Ron shouted indignantly.

"Serves you right, Ron! Going, on like that like a complete arse! Have I taught you nothing?!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Well, obviously not, Hermione, otherwise he wouldn't have been standing bare-arse naked in a car park." Cho snapped back sarcastically.

"And I thought Snape was pale.." Draco said, making a mild effort to keep from laughing.

"Oi! That's going a bit far, that is!" Ron cried.

"No it's not! S'fact!" Draco yelled back.

"Honestly, I would rather everyone not stand here and compare my naked body to that of Mr. Weasley:" Snape said rather waspishly, as he gathered his cloak about him and tried not to faint in the ninety degree heat.

"Good point. It's a bit insulting, isn't it?" Hermione wondered aloud.

"And wots that s'posed to mean?" Ron was getting incredibly pissy at this point, and everyone was trying pretty hard to make him feel worse.

"Children, it is almost time to portkey. I suggest we all prepare ourselves at once. Miss Dorie, is it safe to assume we will be relishing your presence in the near future?"

"Sure. Just gimme a few days to get things straightened out, and I'll make my way over to your side of the pond. I'll owl scripts within the week and I expect to have at least half of your lines learned by the time I arrive." Dee circled around them, looking for all the world like a drill Sargent out of a bad Vietnam war movie.

"Christ almighty, Professor! You've hired Attila the Hun!"

"Oh, no. I'm much worse."


Here it is. More will follow as soon as I am able. Here's some great moies to watch: Requiem For A Dream and Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. Good films the both of them. All about drugs, but in completely different aspects. Requiem is soooo ultra sad, and I completely fell in love with Jared Leto in this flick. That movie is the best anti-drug ad I have EVER seen. And Fear and Loathing is just Johnny Depp going crazy on LSD in the Early seventies, which is always good fun. Thank you and enjoy the show.

Be kind. Review.