Okay okay okay—
Wayne has been feeling—
(because his name is Wayne, goddamn it, not Metro Man; Metro Man is a title, it's a job; it was never meant to be anything else, and the fact that when people see him in his civilian clothes at the grocery store, they shout hey Metro Man! is really starting to get on Wayne's nerves because Wayne is—)
—so tired of this whole super hero thing. He chose this career when he was six years old, for crying out loud! Plenty of six-year-olds have really dumb ideas of what they want to do when they grow up; nobody expects them to actually do it! But somehow Wayne is stuck as stupid Metro Man.
So he likes being cheered for—so sue him! That doesn't mean he wants to spend his whole life battling giant robots and rescuing cats out of trees and helping little old ladies put away their groceries with his superspeed.
It isn't just Megamind's shit that Wayne is sick of dealing with, it's everything, but Wayne can't tell the Chief of Police to fuck off when he calls Metro Man in for a routine drug bust, and Wayne can't tell the crying kid that Metro Man is pretty sure the cat will come down when it's ready, and he can't tell the little old lady that it might take up less of her time when Metro Man puts away her groceries for her, but it still takes up his time, and Wayne never signed up for this bullshit, all right? The constant neediness is—it's too much. But he can't tell them that, because civilians are not an acceptable target for his annoyance.
So maybe Wayne stops pulling his punches quite so much, with Megamind. Maybe he moves a little faster, hits a little harder, twists Megamind's arm a bit too far, starts leaving him bleeding instead of just bruised.
But it still doesn't work; Megamind still doesn't stop; he just keeps right on coming, chin up and bouncing on his toes, even though Wayne's pretty sure he's got three cracked ribs, a sprained wrist, and a concussion. And all of the cameras have been destroyed, and Roxanne and Minion aren't watching, and so Wayne, feeling the heat behind his eyes start to rise, grabs
Megamind by the collar and raises a fist and snarls—
"Do you have any idea how easy it would be for me to kill you?"
—and then his face twists into an expression of triumph.
"Go on, then," Megamind says, smiling, and there's blood in his teeth. "Do it, hero. Kill me—I'll be able to die happy, knowing that I've finally won—I've finally defeated the goody-two-shoes, holier-than-thou Metro Man."
Wayne jerks backwards, letting go of Megamind's collar reflexively, because jesus christ was that ever not the reaction he was looking for, what the fuck—
And Megamind actually looks disappointed as he escapes that time, okay, there is something very wrong here, starting with that look of disappointment and continuing through
Megamind's extremely fucked-up definition of winning, and ending with the way that he looked—
—relieved. Megamind looked relieved when Wayne threatened to kill him. That was the first expression on his face, before triumph, even: relief.
—does Megamind actually want to die?
But—but he always seems so happy! When they're fighting, all the evil laughter and the big gestures—
(a memory, something Wayne hasn't thought about in a long time: the look on Megamind's face as he stood against the wall in kindergarten, the tired way he'd raised his hands, waiting to be hit with the dodgeballs)
(another memory: Megamind in high school, black clothes and a black eye, the resignation in his eyes when the principal said you really aren't good for anything, are you)
Okay, this is—
This is really bad. Wayne has been feeling unhappy and stuck lately, but Megamind is apparently sort of suicidal and any way you slice it, Wayne's pretty sure that's at least partly his fault.
What the hell kind of a hero is he?
Shit, he needs to fix this. How the hell is he supposed to fix this?
"Have you noticed that Megamind is kind of unhappy?" Wayne asks Minion, the next time Minion is in the Spiderbot.
"What do you care?" Minion snarls, after a long pause. He fires a particularly vicious series of laser bolts at Wayne.
"I care," Wayne says weakly.
Minion scoffs in a way that makes Wayne wince way more than the laser bolts.
"Really, though," Wayne insists, when the Spiderbot has been put out of commission again. "He seems kind of—down, lately."
He doesn't want to say he asked me to kill him and I think he meant it.
Minion's sharp-toothed mouth twists and he glares at Wayne from behind the glass of the robot suit's headpiece.
"I've dealt with it," Minion tells him coldly.
"Er—how?" he asks, because really, how can you fix something like this? Wayne has thought about it, and he can't come up with an answer.
"The same way I always deal with it," Minion says, still glaring. "Kidnap Miss Ritchi for him and get the evil plot started."
Kidnap Miss Ritchi for him—
(Another memory: the time Wayne had entered the Lair quietly instead of bursting through a wall or the ceiling like he usually did. Megamind had been sitting with his chair pulled close to Roxanne's, both of them leaning forwards, their faces close together. Roxanne had said something and Megamind's eyes had flicked down to her mouth, and then he'd laughed, a real laugh, falling back in his chair, his head thrown back, and Roxanne's eyes had raked down the line of his throat and she'd licked her lips.)
And Wayne has taken classes in human body language, and some of the first things his tutors taught him to recognize (a necessity after a handful of awkward encounters with overenthusiastic fans) were the signs of attraction, and Wayne, now that he's thinking about it, isn't really surprised by the realization that Megamind is attracted to Roxy, but he is pretty damn floored by the revelation that Roxanne is apparently attracted right back.
(A memory, again: Megamind taking half a second longer than usual to get up after a punch, and the look on Roxanne's face—she'd looked concerned, actually a little scared, and—)
(Megamind, his back to Roxanne, hands moving as he explained his latest invention to the crowd, and the fond way she'd been looking at him—)
Huh. Wayne is just—figuring out all kinds of things that he never expected.
"I think Megamind might be depressed," Wayne blurts out to Roxanne, the next time he drops her off on her balcony.
"What?" she says, face scrunching up.
"Yeah," Wayne says, shifting from side to side nervously. "What—what do you think?"
"I—" Roxanne hesitates. "I mean—he always—seems pretty happy when I'm around him?"
She tilts her head, frowning in thought, and Wayne bites his tongue to keep from saying has it occurred to you that maybe he's happy when you're around because you're around?
So Wayne doesn't really know what to do to fix this problem, has nothing to go on but Minion's kidnap Miss Ritchi for him and get the evil plot started, and Wayne can't help with evil plots, obviously, and he can't actually kidnap Roxy for the little guy, but he can, sort of—
—help things along, right?
Between Megamind and Roxanne, who are, wow, now that Wayne is paying attention, really goddamn gone on each other. It's ridiculous, and sort of cute, and so frustrating to watch, because just kiss already, for god's sake!
Wayne pushes Megamind during a fight (gently; he's done with hitting Megamind to take out his anger; that is the most Not Cool thing Wayne has ever done) and sends him spinning towards Roxy's chair. Megamind winds up practically in her lap—no kiss.
Wayne waits until Megamind is about to kidnap Roxanne in an alleyway, uses his superspeed to trip her without either of them seeing him. Roxanne falls right against Megamind, her hand on his shoulder, both of their faces so. close.
Wayne sneaks into the Lair mid-kidnap, and, again, uses his superspeed to sing the catchy entirety of Kiss the Girl at Megamind, who is leaning over Roxanne's chair, her head tilted up towards his, both of them smiling into each other's eyes.
Don't be scared
You got the mood prepared
Go on and kiss the girl
They both blush furiously and look kind of confused but there's
still. no. kiss.
If this was a movie, Wayne would be throwing his popcorn at the screen.
In lieu of throwing popcorn, Wayne is forced to try to talk to Megamind.
"So I think you might be kind of in love with Roxanne," Wayne says, because he's getting a little concerned that this might be a thing that Megamind doesn't know.
Megamind's face goes open and terrified for a second, and then he puts his handcuffed hands flat on the table, glares at Wayne through the double-glass of the prison visiting room.
"Is this you warning me off?" Megamind asks, voice low and furious and shaking. "Afraid I'm going to try something with your girlfriend, the next time I've got her tied up and at my mercy? You can rest easy, hero; I'm not that kind of villain." He smiles, small and sharp and bitter. "And I know perfectly well that the bad guy doesn't get the girl."
Wayne wants to pull out his own hair in frustration.
"Roxy isn't my girlfriend!" he says. "And I know you're not that kind of—why do you always have to take things so—I'm not warning you off, I'm telling you that I think you might have a chance with her!"
"I see," Megamind says, sneering. "She isn't your girlfriend. Of course. And I have a chance with her. What a fun joke. I'm sure the two of you can laugh about this later."
"I'd like to go back to my cell, now, please," Megamind says to the guard.
Wayne's attempts to talk to Roxanne don't go much better.
When he asks, point-blank, if she thinks Megamind is attractive, he has to spend the next ten minutes explaining that no, he isn't gay, really, he's just not attracted to humans. Or to—whatever Megamind is.
And when he hints that he thinks Megamind might have, you know, feelings for her, she gets super defensive he hasn't ever tried anything like that, Wayne, and I don't appreciate—
Wayne is dying for Megamind to try something with Roxanne, and he's pretty sure Roxanne is, too, and it is beyond absurd that he's having to consider flat-out locking them in a closet together in the hopes that that will finally do the trick and—good god, Wayne is in too deep with this; he feels like his mother watching a pair of soap opera characters.
He's so distracted by the train wreck of Megamind and Roxanne's not-actually-a-relationship-why-god-why-won't-they-just-kiss-so-my-soul-can-rest that the thing with the Death-Dealer takes Wayne by surprise.
The Death-Dealer is from out of town. He moves into Metro City and evidently decides to make a big splash as a new villain by kidnapping Roxy.
Which is, yes, okay, usual, but usually it's Megamind, who Wayne knows Roxy is safe with, and usually he can figure out where she's being held, but the Death-Dealer didn't leave him any clues and Wayne is getting a little concerned, and it occurs to him that Megamind is probably going a little crazy.
Megamind, it turns out, has already pinpointed Roxanne's location and is, along with Minion, gathering an army of brainbots to go kick the Death-Dealer's ass.
"You want to team up?" Megamind asks incredulously, and then shoves his gun into his holster. "Sure. Why the hell not."
"Cool, cool," Wayne says, because he actually is pretty excited about this—look! progress! Megamind said he'll team up; this is going to be fun!
(he's a little worried about the kind of shape the Death-Dealer is going to be in, when Megamind gets through with him—but not that worried; the guy is an asshole who doesn't know how to play the game right. no class, not leaving any clues like that.)
Megamind breaks down the door of the Death-Dealer's hideout and Wayne bursts through the ceiling.
"Pick a card and—" the Death-Dealer says, but he doesn't finish because Megamind promptly shoots him with the debilitate setting of his gun.
"Fuck off," Megamind snarls, turning away to Roxanne, who is tied up atop an incredibly dangerous looking deathtrap designed to resemble a house of cards made out of giant playing-card-shaped bombs.
Wayne and Minion make quick work of the Death-Dealer's hired thugs as Megamind dismantles the deathtrap.
"But—but what's he doing here?" the Death-Dealer wails, when he's recovered the ability to speak. "He isn't supposed to be here! It's just supposed to be you!"
"Miss Ritchi is Sir's exclusive captive," Minion tells him.
"Exclusive captive?! What the hell—"
"Shut up shut up shut up!" Wayne hisses, watching Megamind untying Roxanne's bindings.
Is this finally going to happen?
Megamind pulls her to her feet, hands running over her body, through her hair.
"Are you all right; Roxanne, tell me that you're—"
"—come on, come on," Wayne groans under his breath, ignoring the weird looks he's getting from Minion, the Death-Dealer, and the thugs.
"Megamind," Roxanne gasps, and throws her arms around his neck, and Megamind freezes for a moment before wrapping his arms around her as well, holding her close.
"—come on," Wayne moans, yanking at his own hair, because hugging, yes, good, but also god damn it—
"You came for me, you—" Roxanne says, breathless and shaken.
"Of course I—Roxanne—" Megamind says, just as shaken and breathless.
Wayne is going. to die.
"Why would you—"
They both pull back slightly, looking into each other's faces and—
They move at the same time, Roxanne's hand sliding beneath Megamind's collar to cup the back of his head as she pulls him close, Megamind's hands going up to cradle her face as he leans in and—
The Kiss finally happens.
"Yes!" Wayne whisper-screams, shaking Minion's gorilla-suit by the shoulders. "Do you see this! Do you see what is happening here! Finally! Finally! Thank you, god!"
"…this city is really messed-up," the Death-Dealer says weakly.
"Shut up, dude, no one cares what you think," Wayne says absently, grinning so hard his face hurts and wiping away a happy tear.
He slaps Minion's suit on the back as Megamind and Roxanne finally break apart to breathe.
"Uh—" says Megamind, looking dazed and sort of concerned.
"Wooo!" Wayne says, flipping himself joyfully in midair. "Good work, team! Anybody else want pizza?"
"—what," Megamind says blankly, and then Roxanne kisses him again.
"But," Minion says, fins fluttering. "But the bad guy doesn't get the girl."
"—I've been wanting to talk to you guys about that, actually," Wayne says. "Do you think the little guy might be happier with a career change? Only, I've, uh, been thinking about retiring, lately, which means that the position of Defender is going to be open—"
The brainbots pick up the thugs and the Death Dealer; Wayne takes hold of the elbow of Minion's gorilla suit and leads him outside after them.
Megamind and Roxanne are still wrapped up in each other; Wayne figures they deserve a little privacy.
(He's pretty hungry, but pizza can wait.)
notes: based off of a prompt by tumblr user ramendobe. Also based on a couple of pieces of ramendobe's art: Metro Man Ships It and Roxanne Trips Into Megamind's Arms.
Kiss the Girl is the song that Sebastian the crab sings in Disney's The Little Mermaid. The fic title is also from the song.
You are all welcome to follow me on tumblr! I go by setepenre-set there.