Explanation/Disclaimer: Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.
Announcer: "Creatures of unspeakable evil and unimaginable horrors stalk the streets. The fear and panic that hangs in the air is so thick its almost palatable. Even the bravest crumble to their knees at the mounting horror. Everyone is questioning not just what their future holds, but if they even have a future at all. There's only one time of year that elicits such horror."
Ash: "Halloween Night?"
Announcer: "No, Election Night."
Ash groans and asks, "So when did we become Doonesbury? Can we just start this Halloween special?"
Quickie #43: Dead On
Ash, dressed in a white button down shirt, complete with pens in his pocket, and glasses on his face, descended his stairs, a bottle of rolling rock in his hand. As he entered the living room he locked eyes with Brock, who standing on the other side, dressed in a black jacket, white t shirt, red tie and a black cap on his head.
The two stared at each other for a long moment until Brock pointed and cried out, "NERD!!!!!" to which Ash hollered back, "CRITIC!!!!!!"
May giggled at the sight, but Misty sighed, "And you give May a hard time for picking obscure costumes, how many people are going to get that?"
"Hey, I pity anyone that doesn't know our costumes!" Ash said folding his arms.
"Besides," Brock added, "It's less obscure then our other costume idea…"
- - - Scene Change to Brock and Ash trying on costumes…
Ash popped out with long hair and said, "I'm Rym…"
Brock popped out and chimed in, "…and I'm Scott, and this is GeekNights!"
Ash added, "Tonight… Trick or Treating!"
- - - Scene Change back to the main story…
May turned to face Misty and said, "Great costume Misty!"
Misty stood up and did a twirl, her Supergirl cape flowing behind her. Ash made a scoffing noise, "How mainstream." he replied.
"Yea, at least people will know who I'm suppose to be." Misty retorted back sticking out her tongue.
"Well, we know what May's suppose to be too!" Brock chimed in.
"Thanks Ash!" May said happily, standing up. May was dressed in torn bloody clothes, her faced paled thanks to makeup. "I think I make a cute zombie!"
"Zombie?" Brock said surprised, "I thought you were John McCain!"
Ash groaned, "Yes, let's do another political joke, I'm sure that's what all our readers want."
"We still have readers?" Brock questioned.
"Theoretically." Ash said quietly, "But, if people DID read this drek, I don't think they'd be looking for political satire… they'd be looking for battles!"
Suddenly Ash spun on his heels and pointed at Misty and said, "I challenge you to a pokemon battle!"
Misty stared at Ash for a moment then said, "I'm wearing spandex here Ash, I don't have any balls."
Misty sighed and rolled her eyes, "And that level of maturity is what readers come for."
Ash thought about it for a moment and said, "Yea, pretty much."
Brock decided this was a good time to interrupt, "So anyway, what's the plan for tonight guys?"
"Duh!" Ash said, "It's Halloween, we're going trick or treating."
"Oh boy!" Tracey cried out from another room. He quickly raced to the room with the other kids, dressed like a weird cat looking like thing. "Can I come too, snarf snarf?"
Ash stared at Tracey in his Snarf costume and whispered to Brock, "How fitting is THAT costume?" Brock hid a laugh.
Tracey looked pleadingly at Ash. Ash sighed and said, "How would the Nerd handle this situation? Hmm. Oh! I know."
Ash looked up and put a hand on Tracey's shoulder and stared into his eyes. He smiled at Max. Max smiled back. Then Ash cleared his throat and screamed, "NO YOU CAN'T COME YOU STUPID LITTLE (Bleep)! What were you THINKING even asking? Let me put it to you this way: You're like the Silent Hill 4 to the rest of the Silent Hill series. I would sooner eat a (Bleep)-load of week old Taco Bell Tacos then have my colon surgically sewn to my face so I'm doomed to a continuous cycle of (bleep)."
Tracey ran crying from the room.
Everyone stared at Ash. May yanked Ash's bottle away from him and sniffed it suspiciously.
"Too harsh?" Ash asked.
Brock pulled out the critic's traditional glock. "Not as bad as what my response would have been."
"Anyway," Ash said, "Are we all set to get some candy?"
Misty groaned, "Ash, we can't go trick or treating!"
"Why not?" Ash asked frowning.
"Because" May answered, "We NEVER get to go trick or treating. Something always happens. Either we get caught in a haunted house, we get caught doing a 'how to' guide, a pokemon gets caught in a saw-style trap, we get attacked by pumpkin pe.."
Everyone glares at May, who quickly corrects herself, "by uh…, unspeakable things. The point is, something always spoils it on us, so why even bother?"
Ash took a breath and said, "Come on guys, you have to have faith. Nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING, is going to stop us from doing our sworn duty as youngsters to go out there and glom as much candy as we can."
Everyone gave Ash a wary look. "Seriously guys," Ash said, "I am completely confident that nothing will get in our way this year."
And the period on that sentence was the doorbell ringing.
Everyone both Ash groaned. "Oh, knock it off guys," Ash scolded, "I'm sure it's just Gary coming over to join us tonight."
"Gary," Misty quipped dejectedly, "Or Killer Klowns."
"Or Killer Tomatoes." Brock added.
"Or Killer Pum…." May added, only to be interrupted by angry stares again, so she corrected herself, "Pum…. Pumas! Yes, killer cats."
Ash just rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Seriously guys, you need to take a chill pill." and he turned to open the door to find a shambling living corpse groaning face to face to him.
"You see guys, it's just someone polling for the Republican party." Ash said gesturing.
"Oh, so it's alright when YOU make a political joke," Brock said folding his arms.
"Woah!" Ash gasped as the zombie barred down on him, grabbing him hard around the neck and shoulders trying to bite down on the young boy.
"Man, talk about your aggressive polling!" Ash said struggling to stay up. Ash's friends quickly got the monster off the young boy and shoved it out through the doorway, slamming the door after it.
Ash fixed his costume picking up his glasses that were knocked off in the struggle. "Man, I know the election is only a few days away, but I don't think anyone appreciates others trying to bully their views on each other."
"Ash," Misty said, her face white, "That wasn't a pollster. That was a zombie!"
"What?" Ash said incredulously, "I think you've been watching too many horror movies."
"Ash seriously!" Brock said breathing hard, "Didn't you see that thing? It was like a dead body, only it was moving! And it was trying to eat you!"
"Come on now," Ash said waving his hand dismissively, "You guys have let Halloween get to you. Haven't you ever seen an episode of Scooby Doo? Or hell, even an episode of our show?"
"Our show… not since the voice actors changed." Misty said.
"Yea, I know, what's THAT about?" Brock asked angrily, "Why do I sound like a 50 year old with a 10 pack a day habit?"
Ash interrupted them, "But you're missing the point. There's no such thing as zombies. I'm sure its much more likely that it was Team Rocket trying to get Pikachu."
Ash looked out the window. "See? They're right there on the lawn!"
Through the window, the kids inside saw Team Rocket hop out from behind of the tree, Jessie dressed like Michael Jackson a'la Thriller, with James and Meowth as her zombie sidekicks.
Jessie: "Prepare for Trouble, this one's a killer!"
James: "Make it double, we're doing Thriller!"
The three started doing the Thriller dance, to which Ash laughed, "You see guys? No zombies, just the three older people who have devoted their lives to villainy, who stalk me in a never ending hunt to steal the pokemon I love, and will eliminate me to do so. NOTHING to worry about."
At the end of those words, the real zombies tackled the villains and literally tore them to bloody pieces in full view of our heroes.
"JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST!!!" Ash said leaping away from the window.
"You see!" Misty said, "I told you there were zombies out there!"
"No one likes a know-it-all." Ash snapped back.
"What are we going to do???" May said, a note of panic in her voice.
"Relax!" Brock said, "Everyone calm down. I know exactly what to do."
Everyone looked at Brock for guidance. Brock took a deep breath, walked to the hallway and then yelled, "Hey Tracey! You have to get your sketchpad and race outside! There's a Deoxy right on our lawn! I can't believe it!"
"Oh my god!" Tracey said sprinting through the room and through the front door, "This is going to be awesome and… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Brock looked out the front door. "Oh for crying out loud, I don't (bleep)ing believe it!"
"What?" Misty asked.
"The douchebag is actually drawing the zombie that's eating his intestine." Brock said shaking his head swinging the door shut, "A weenie to the end… well… I'm out of ideas."
May looked out at all the gathering zombies and said, "I have to do something!" and sprinted out of the room.
"There's always one in every group of zombie survivors," Ash said shaking his head.
"Ok, I'll give Brock that that was the most important first move." Ash said putting his hands up, Brock nodded appreciatively, and Ash continued, "However, I have seen every zombie movie ever made, so I think I have a pretty good idea what to do to stay safe."
"EVERY Zombie movie?" Misty asked, "What about House of the Dead."
Ash gestured towards Brock, "Critic?"
Brock sat down and looked forward and held up a DVD of "House of the Dead" and said, "This movie is crap! How do you take a video game with a simple concept like, "shoot all the zombies" and turn it into a festering pile of pointless garbage. It's like, the people making the movie didn't even know they were basing it on a video game. That might be the case… EXCEPT THAT THERE'S CLIPS OF THE FREAKING GAME IN THE MOVIE! Ugh… I'm Brock, and I remember it so you don't have to."
Ash clapped, "Classic!"
May came back into the room dressed as Harlequin. Everyone stared at her and then Misty asked, "In the middle of a zombie attack you changed your costume?"
"Well," May said, "I had to change… everyone outside was dressed the same as me!"
Ash laughed, "You're a real joker, you know that?"
"Not quite Mr. A," May said winking, "But you're real close!"
Everyone laughed hardily, that is until a hand burst through the window and dragged Brock away screaming.
"Damnit!" Ash said, "Mom just bought those front windows!"
"Poor Brock!" May and Misty said sadly.
"Don't feel too badly," Ash said admirably, "He went out copping a feel on the female zombie that grabbed him. That's the way he'd have wanted to go."
Zombies started pouring through the window. "Quick! Down to the basement! I'm sure that will be the safest place!"
The trio ran to the basement door, May swung it open and was quickly taken down by a zombie houndour. "What the hell?!?" Misty gasped as her friend was torn apart by the devil dog, "How did the corpse of a dog end up in the basement?"
Ash scratched the back of his head, "I used to have… 'issues'… as a child."
Misty stares at Ash in an awkward silence sort of moment.
"Look," Ash said, "Dr. Wang says that I'm doing much better now though! And we managed to convince all their neighbors that their pets ran away. Pets… and… grandmothers…"
Misty stared longer at Ash but before she could respond, zombies poured into the room, and the two kids barely managed to escape their grasps and raced upstairs and into Ash's bedroom.
Ash quickly ducked underneath Misty's cape, "This looks like a job for you!"
"Get serious Ash!!! Oh my god, Brock and Misty are gone!" Misty said panting, her back pressed to the door.
"Tracey too!" Ash reminded.
"Meh." Misty said shrugging.
"The important thing is that we remain calm and think about this rationally. Everything I know from zombie movies and video games is that zombies are dangerous, but they are stupid. They cannot climb stairs. They cannot use weapons. So as long as we stay locked in this second floor room, I don't see what could happen."
Misty breathed a sigh of relief, when suddenly a bullet flies through the window and catches her in the back of the head sprawling her on the floor.
Ash shocked looked out the window to see a zombie holding a gun curiously, then dropping it on the floor. Ash sticks his head out the window and scream, "God damn you George Romero and you're Land of the Dead! We need to tear that movie apart… Critic??"
- - - Scene Change to:
The spare pieces of what remains of Brock litters the front lawn, a copy of "Land of the Dead" in one of his disembodied hands.
- - - Back to Ash
"Oh… right… dead." Ash said realizing, "Well, I assure you, there would have been many bad words said about it."
The door bursts open and zombies start to the flood the room. "Damn, I'm trapped, there's no hope!" Ash bemoans, "I wish I knew what caused this horrible fate. What on earth could have happened to cause the dead to rise up and claim the living?"
Max poked his head into the room, "Did you hear Ash, I'm getting a spin off!"
"Oh." Ash said, "Well… eat up boys, it'll be less painful this way!"
The zombies crowd around Ash and start to bare down and…
- - -Scene change to Ash's living room
Ash sits up screaming. "What's wrong?" Misty said jumping to her feet.
Brock and May gathered around with Misty to look down at Ash who was white and dripping with sweat. Ash caught his breath and said, "Oh man… what a nightmare I had. I had a dream that we were all taken down by the living dead!"
"The Republican Party?" Brock asked.
"Heh, I made that same joke in the dream," Ash said grinning, "But seriously, what a nightmare! Guess its what I deserve for playing through the entire resident evil series in one day. Well… skipping "Survivor" That piece of crap."
"Well Ash, relax," May said soothingly, "You're safe, we're safe, everything is fine, and it was just a bad dream."
The doorbell rings. Ash glances nervously at the door as Brock gets up and answers it. A pumpkin creature glides into the room and everyone stares at it. "Man," Ash said, "From one nightmare, into a worse one…"
"Man," Ash said, pushing the pumpkin creature out through the door, "Talk about beating a dead horse!"
"Well, if Saw V taught us anything, its that if you beat a dead horse hard enough it looks like it's still moving," Brock replied.
"Still in Critic mode?" Ash asked.
"Yep." Brock said adjusting his neck tie.
"I can't believe we managed to get this one done in time for Halloween, when are we ever on time with ANYTHING?" Misty asked.
"Well, that's what happens when you use non-union labor," Ash said, "Isn't that right guys?"
Minos: "No Union!"
Dora: "Alimentenos por favor"
El Tigre: "Tan cansado. Tan muy cansado.
Wulf: "kial vi sole paganta mi en sukerajo?"
"Aren't they adorable?" Ash said looking at his crew.
"So how did a Halloween episode end on a non-union, illegal alien workers joke?" May said looking over the scene.
Everyone answered back, including Ash's labor, "Because election day is next week!"
THE REAL END
Ok, I said I'd have a Halloween up, and with a bit of work, I got it up in time. I hope you enjoyed it, but most importantly I hope you enjoy what is my second favorite day of the year, Halloween. (The first being Christmas, though from the ratio of Halloween Quickies to Christmas ones, you might find that hard to believe.)
Thank you so much for reading, and I really hope you'll take the time to review. I don't know if you got all the costume jokes, but if you don't, you should look into them because you're missing out! Again, thank you for reading, and Happy Halloween!