I don't know WHERE this idea came from...
The Amazon Queen
A rather silly Ranma 1/2 alterniversalfictionalthingy
by Robert Haynie
(Ranma was created by Rumiko Takahashi, and is published in the
US by Viz Communications. Humphrey Bogart is not in this fanfiction,
at least not at the moment, but I could go totally insane at any
minute so I'm not making any promises...)
Part One... Here's... Um... a whole lot of people?
Soun Tendo stared at the cheap postcard in his hand, smiling.
"Bringing Ranma and company from China. May be complications
with our pact. Not my fault. Genma"
Being the sort of person who only really sees what he wants to
see, he managed to not really read anything but four words-
Bringing, Ranma, From, and China. Happily he went to call his three
daughters together, and make his grand announcement. Strangely, (at
least to him) they didn't really seem very pleased, but he managed to
ignore that as well. He had a positive talent for it. The only one
with any enthusiasm for the matter was Nabiki, who when the door-bell
rang, went to get it, assuming that the young man was there.
She returned in a moment shaken and pale. "There's an old monkey
on a stick arguing with a panda on our doorstep."
Normally Soun was the sort of person who only really heard what
he wanted to hear, also. But this statement was the sort that cut
through his comforting blanket of self-absorption, and he went to the
front door to gaze upon this remarkable spectacle himself.
It turned out that his daughter had made a less than accurate
report. The monkey and the panda were also arguing with a red-headed
girl, another with violet tresses, and a boy with long ebon hair and
thick glasses. Well, technically, the boy was arguing with the dojo
sign, but that seemed a minor point at this juncture.
"You realize that any such match is unacceptable without approval
of the Council of Elders as a whole! Don't you realize how important
the girl is to our people?"
"Stop callin' me a girl! And what do you mean, match? Pops
start smoking again?" complained the redhead.
The panda waved a sign that Soun couldn't read. The apparent
monkey could, however, and retorted with words to the effect of a old
drunken agreement was hardly as valid as the duties of royalty.
Meanwhile the girl with the violet hair was yelling in Chinese at
the boy, who was pleading in the same language with the dojo sign.
And the red haired girl just looked ready to explode at everyone.
Soun, however, managed to quite intelligently ignore all the
chaos going on, and target the only relevant part- the boy. Logic
and wisdom identified him in a second.
"Ranma, my boy, you've come at last!" And he hugged the
This distracted the boy enough to cause him to break off his
entreaties to the wooden placard, and change the subject to his now
intense desire to be allowed to breathe.
"That funny," the longhaired girl said. "Where outsider man
"Don't ask ME," the redhead replied. "Dunno him, never met him
"I'm not ranma lemme go can't breathe," wheezed the boy with
"Not..." Soun released the boy, uncertainly. "You're not
"And I wouldn't want to be, either. I don't LIKE this country!
I just want to go back to the village and marry Shampoo!"
"No is happening!"
"But once I convince her to-"
"Like she said, it ain't happening," the redheaded girl snapped.
"Let's just get inside where it's dry, okay?"
To Soun's surprise, the two other teens bowed to the redhead, as
did the apparent monkey- which he now realized was not a monkey but
an impossibly elderly woman. The panda didn't bow, until the elderly
woman smashed it in the back of it's head with her stick.
"Um. Yes. Well. Come in?"
"Thanks." The redheaded girl sighed, and entered the house,
followed by the rest of her coterie.
Soun stood there in the rain for a moment, before he realized
that whatever he HAD let into the house, it certainly wasn't Saotome
He was understandably mistaken... but who wouldn't be?
"Pardon us for the scene outside, Tendo-san," the ancient woman
said, in tones of resignation. She bore the somewhat odd name of
Cologne... not that her companions had names any less odd. "Of late
we have been much on edge."
"Ah... yes, that seems apparent. I was wondering if you perhaps
knew where Ranma was? The boy did seem to know him..."
The violet-tressed girl, who was named Shampoo looked a bit
nervous. "Um. She Ranma Saotome," she replied, pointing at the
"Yes. Sorry about that," added Mousse, the boy with the glasses.
Upon his awakening, the Tendo patriarch was as confused as ever.
"I was sure that Genma said he had a son." Soun was terribly
"He did, but he really shouldn't have. Fortunately, fate
corrected that mistake-" Cologne was interrupted by the annoyed
voice of the unexpectedly not-son-material Ranma.
"Fate didn't correct nothin'. I'm still a guy. Mostly."
This statement flew over the heads of the Tendos, who
understandably saw no sense in the assertion.
"Why must you be so unreasonable, Princess?"
"I ain't no princess, and I ain't gonna be no queen, and someday
you're gonna realize that, Cologne."
The elder chuckled. "Think what you will, Princess. But your
destiny is with us, and someday you will understand that."
"When pigs fly. And kicking Ryoga into low earth orbit don't
"He seemed like a nice enough boy when he wasn't trying to kill
"And stop tryin' to fix me up with guys! You got any idea how
disgusting that is?"
Akane stared at the redhead. Then she stared at Nabiki, who was
nursing her wrist after the Shampoo girl had taken exception to her
poking at Ranma's chest to make sure. Then she returned her stare to
Ranma, nodding to herself. Finally, someone who had the right idea
Cologne sighed. "You're just being unreasonable. Oh, well, if
you insist, I suppose that one of these might be worthy of being your
"And how, precisely, is THAT supposed to work?" inquired Nabiki,
still glaring at the violet haired thug.
"Mate? What are ya talking about, Colonge?" murmured the redhead
under her breath.
"Well, it's simple, really. When your sister returns with that
kettle, we shall be able to explain." Here the old woman gave the
panda a rather scornful look. "I DO hope it's nice and hot."
[Sadistic old ghoul] read the sign that the panda had produced
from... actually, no-one seemed to really know WHERE it had come
"Half-witted dolt," retorted Cologne.
"This is all too strange... Say, do you want to see our dojo?"
"Um... sure." For some reason Ranma's expression and attitude
changed to one of shyness.
In the dojo, Ranma looked about with interest. "Nice place.
Don't seem to be used much, tho."
"Daddy hasn't taught for a while," explained Akane. "Say, you
practice kempo, right?"
"Want to spar?"
Akane took a careful attack stance. Ranma just stood there.
In another reality, one we all know, the events following have
been well and precisely documented, to an extent that need not be
recouped here. Until Akane decided to up the level of sparring-
"For real", as she thought to herself, as she lashed out with a
And everything suddenly went black.
Akane's father wasn't happy about what had transpired in the
Dojo. His response was fury, outrage- and sudden fear as the
redhead seemed to almost teleport into his face and snarl.
"Look, she took it up to a serious level! Of COURSE I hit her!
She was tryin' to hit me! I figured she'd block it! She SHOULDA
been ABLE to block it! Geez, ain't you trained her at ALL? SHE'S
the other heir to the school? What kinda dipstick are you, to have
her at that level?"
"But... but... but..." Soun was dealing with the somewhat
bizarre concept of the redhead's apparent opinion being that Akane's
unconsciousness was HIS fault.
"That punch wasn't even using Amaguriken speeds! Man, you SUCK
as a sensei!"
"Now see here-"
Cologne intervened. "I suspect, Ranma, that he is probably a
decent teacher... had he the will to teach. But you don't, do you?"
Now she glared at Soun.
"But... she's my little girl..."
"Idiot. And the girl has some real potential too. Wasted
because you think she's as weak as a male."
"We're in Japan, Elder. Ya can't say that after Pops, after
"Your father is a good teacher, when not a complete fool. And I
admit he is strong."
Oddly the panda somehow looked smug.
Akane groaned as she came to consciousness. "What... what
"Princess knock you out," supplied Shampoo. "Is great honor."
"She knocks me out all the time, Shampoo! Doesn't that mean I'm
honored and worthy of-"
"Stupid Mousse. You get knock out because you be stupid. Akane
spar with Princess."
"Stop callin' me princess," grumbled the apparent royal.
Akane stared at the girl who had- there was no other term for
it- beaten her. "You... You're a lot better than I expected."
"I'm better than a lot of people expected," Ranma replied with a
lopsided grin. "Ask the Elder here."
"Well... I'm just glad you're a girl."
"I'd really hate to be beaten by a BOY."
For some reason, Cologne, Shampoo, Mousse, AND the Panda all
looked strangely nervous while the girl looked... slightly depressed.
Kasumi returned with the kettle at that moment, and screwed her
nose up at Ranma. "My. Don't you want a bath, Ranma-chan?"
Ranma shrugged. "Um... I guess that can wait for a bit-"
"Oh, no. You must be sweaty from your workout." As Kasumi put
the kettle down she shuffled Ranma to the furo.
Cologne gave Shampoo a nod. Shampoo rose up to follow the two
headed to the bath.
Akane watched them leave, and sighed. "I'm still a bit
confused... I mean, I lost so fast. I'm supposed to be the best
martial artist in Nerima."
Mousse shrugged. "We aren't from Nerima."
Cologne mumbled something under her breath that said little good
for her opinion of Neriman martial artists. Then she paused. The
girl DID have potential, mostly untapped. She could sense pride that
wasn't- in her opinion- deserved, and a small undercurrent of
anger. Wonder what that was directed at?
Akane rose, a bit wobbly, and decided that a nice soak would be a
good idea. She made her way to the furo door, only to be intercepted
"You no go in bath."
"Ranma in bath."
Akane sighed. "Look, I don't know how they do it in China, but
in Japan there's nothing wrong with two girls sharing the furo."
Shampoo nodded. "Is true. Girls share bath, no wrong."
"Good, I'm glad we understand each other. Now, if you'll just-"
"You no go in bath."
Akane began to fume. "Look, you agree that there's nothing wrong
with girls sharing a bath?"
"Yes. Is no wrong."
"And the only person in there is Ranma, right?"
"Yes. Only Princess in bath."
"Then there's nothing wrong with my going in and sharing-"
"You no go in bath."
"And why is that?" Akane was on the verge of screaming.
"Because Ranma in bath."
Akane snapped. "Look, you... you whatever you are, start making
sense or I-"
And the door to the furo opened, and instead of a petite but
buxom redhead emerging, a taller, lean raven-haired boy wearing the
same clothing stepped into the hallway, nodded at Shampoo, and made
his way to the common room, sighing deeply.
"You go in now, is OK."
"What- who- where-"
"Hiba-chan explain everything. After you take bath. Smell bad."
Confused beyond any ability to generate anger, Akane wordlessly
Akane stared at the boy, who was sitting at the table, flanked by
Shampoo and Mousse. There was also a heavy set man sitting next to
Cologne, exchanging glares of mixed hostility and respect. Nabiki
seemed as confused as anyone, Soun seemed to be radiating joy, and
Kasumi was, well, Kasumi.
"At any rate, I am Genma Saotome, and this is my son, Ranma."
"Huh?" Akane was baffled at that statement. "But Ranma is a
"Only half girl," replied Shampoo. "He Ranma."
"Yeah. We're REALLY sorry about this," added Mousse.
"But... how is that possible?"
Genma frowned. "How do I explain-WAHHHHH!" The latter was
because Cologne had somehow entangled her staff into his ankle and
tossed him into the Tendo's koi pond.
"It's a transformative magic, you see," the Matriarch said as a
wet and infuriated panda rose from the waters, waving a sign that
read "What did you do THAT for?" and making sounds that redefined
Angry Panda Growfs.
"He... He just turned into a panda!" The normally unflappable
Nabiki was now truly flapped.
"Hot water will turn him back, you see." The Elder nursed her
tea. "This is very good, by the way. I know many men who can't make
tea this good."
"Why, thank you, Cologne-san." Kasumi beamed. And then she
looked slightly puzzled at the statement.
"But... does that mean..." Akane had a BAD feeling about this.
Ranma sighed. "Mousse, go ahead."
Mousse nodded, produced a flask from apparently nowhere, and
doused Ranma. Instant girl. Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi all stared.
"You... you just turned into a-" stammered Nabiki, who was
having her mindset suddenly wrenched about in unusual fashion.
"Have been for about a year. Ain't so bad, except when SOME
people get the idea I should be one INSIDE as well."
"Oh, MY." Kasumi was unusually flustered. "Oh, oh... GOODNESS."
Akane was petrified. She HAD been beaten by a boy. More than
beaten- she had been totally OWNED by a boy. COMPLETELY and TOTALLY
OUTCLASSED BY A BOY.
This was a VERY BAD THING TO HAPPEN.
"But... but how?" Nabiki was still trying to figure out the
concept of Instant Girl, just add water.
"A strange and marvelous tale, that, as I shall now relate,"
"And as she rose from the pool, tears of joy filled her eyes,
and she cried to the heavens, 'Thank you, oh Holy Ones, for this
"You were doing okay, until that bit," Ranma said after
withdrawing her fist from the top of Cologne's head. "But you know
damn well I kinda went nuts and tried to kill Pops instead."
"It was poetic license," grumbled the elder. Although she was
gratified in the fact that Ranma's training had advanced to the point
where the teen could take her by surprise.
"Anyhow, the guide says that the Jokusetzoku might know about a
cure. So we go there, and well, things got kinda strange..."
Fifteen year old Ranma Saotome, trained to be the best martial
artist of his generation was proving that to be very likely as he-
or rather she- was doing her level best not to be killed.
It seemed a bit over the top, these Amazon chicks reactions. I
mean, it was just FOOD for crying out loud. And then beating this
Nair chick for the prize. What was this Kiss of Death crap?
Whatever it was, this Nair wasn't about to let her get a running
start. (She was supposed to, but Ranma didn't know that, and Nair
was insanely proud.) So she danced back from a sword thrust...and
knocked over another Warrior Woman.
Who took offense at this. She threw a punch at the redhead, who
dodged it, and accidentally stomped the foot of ANOTHER girl.
It escalated from there, to wind up with her now in a leaping
erratic dodging pattern against at least a dozen of the Amazon
Fruitcakes, as she thought of them.
If it had been only one or two... but with this many, she'd need
an edge. A weapon. Ranma disdained relying on weapons, but against
this many opponents she'd need something to defend herself until she
And lucky her, there was a bo-staff just lying around. Well, not
exactly lying, but at least accessible, and she leapt for it and
grasped it- and started to pull with all her might.
Cologne stared in grim interest as the young redheaded outsider's
hand clasped the Staff of Ages, where it was sealed as it had been
for the past two thousand years, thrust through an anvil and into
stone by a foreign wizard. When asked why he'd done that to the
sacred weapon, his response was, "It worked for the kid."
It would avail her not, of course. The strongest, most worthy of
Champions had for centuries tried to remove the staff, without
success. It would, in a way, be sad to see such a fighter die at the
last moment because she attempted to take a weapon that could not
The staff moved, slightly. The outsider pulled desperately, and
the amassed warriors slowed, staring as the relic began to pull free
of the encasement.
Then with a mighty final heave, she withdrew the sacred weapon.
A ray of golden light sprang from the heavens, to illuminate the
figure in her tattered gi.
A hundred doves sprang from the bushes to circle over her head.
Badgers made whatever noise it is that badgers make. All this,
by the way, was extremely ominous, since there were no wolves, lions,
elephants or badgers in that area of China.
The ground trembled slightly. Probably from the impact of all
the noisy wolves, lions, elephants and badgers that weren't there.
Thunder rolled, from a clear sky. It didn't intend to be shown
up by a bunch of nonexistent animals.
Finally, as if to make certain everyone understood the importance
of what had just happened, a passing choir of angels, on their way to
the four o'clock serenade of the Almighty, decided to do one last
quick rehearsal of Alleluia number 36.
"Hold!" called Cologne. "I'm not certain, but this may be
"The prophecies are pretty clear. She who removes the Staff of
Ages from the stone-"
"And the anvil it was stuck in too."
Cologne glared at Prell, and sighed. "Yes, there is the anvil.
But that's not important. What is important is that she who removes
the Staff from the stone is our destined Queen."
"When she turns twenty-one, isn't it? Until then, she's more of
"I didn't say she was a queen YET. She'll have to train, of
course, in the way of battle."
Lilac smirked. "Not very damn MUCH, I'd say. Never saw ANYONE
that fast, that young. Or skilled... GOT to be one of the most
impressive performances I have ever seen. And I've seen some VERY
"Is this going to degenerate into one of your memories of an old
conquest in your youth?"
"Is there something wrong with that?"
The Warmistress and the Healer started to glare daggers- or
rather, broadswords, considering the intensity, when Prell, the
Lorekeeper interrupted. "There's some other parts of the Prophecy
that must be addressed. The Queen comes from the Rising Sun. She
doesn't look like she could live on the surface of-"
"They call Japan the Land of the Rising Sun, Prell." Prell knew
everything there was to know about the Amazon people... and damn
little else. She also had a tendency to being very literal.
"Oh? That works, then. Um, let's see... it also says that she
shall be a Wild Horse. She looks pretty human-"
"Ranma means Wild Horse in Japanese."
"Really? How odd. It also says that she shall be as woman and
man. I don't quite get that part..."
Cologne sighed. "Prell, it's obviously a reference to her ruling
the entire Amazon Nation and reforging our laws and traditions, for
both sexes. Isn't it clear?"
Lilac poked Cologne in the side, and pointed to the redhead who
had just finished heating a kettle, while surrounded by uncertain
guards. "I think it's more literal than that."
"What do you mean- Oh. OH, MY. This complicates things. I
don't- YOU GIRLS! STOP THAT! NO KISSES OF MARRAIGE OR DEATH OR
ANYTHING UNTIL WE WORK THIS OUT!"
There were many disappointed sighs.
"At any rate, we peered over every stanza of the prophecy. There
was no possible doubt that Ranma was the promised Future Queen." At
Ranma's cough, Cologne added, "In our minds, at least. Ranma here
"Yeah, well, I admit the stuff I learned there was cool. And I
like learning stuff from you. But I ain't no queen. OR princess. I
might be half girl, but only on the outside."
"You'll change your tune. It's inevitable."
Soun blinked. All he could really focus on was that there was a
Ranma. "So... cold water changes you?"
"Yup. THAT'S kinda obvious, ain't it?"
"And hot water changes you back?"
"Yep. And I'd really like some right now. Not too hot,
"Why, then, your problem isn't so bad after all!" Soun was now
positively beaming. "These are my daughters. Kasumi, age 19.
Nabiki, age 17. And Akane, age 16. Pick any one you like as your
Before anyone could say anything- and Kasumi and Nabiki were
about to, they were stopped by Ranma's incredulous roar of, "My
A now human Genma nodded. "I was just about to explain that,
Ranma, before I was interrupted on the way by a certain someone."
"You said old friend- before it started to rain anyhow. You
NEVER said NOTHIN' about no FIANCEES!"
Soun began to glower. "Are you suggesting that my daughters
aren't GOOD enough for you, Ranma-kun?"
Before Ranma could retort, Cologne interrupted. "She may not
hold such an opinion. However, I am not certain that any of them are
worthy of our Princess' male state."
"Here we go," murmured Genma. "Unless Soun's changed a lot in
the last twenty years..."
The air about Soun Tendo seemed to waver a bit, and then exploded
into a grotesque, monstrous, even demoniacal grotesquerie. To which
Ranma reacted with great nervousness, Mousse gasped in horror and
leapt into Shampoo's arms- who was petrified for a moment, and then
dropped Mousse, Genma sighed, and Cologne merely stared with
"My. A ki-fueled emotional aura, calculated to inspire terror.
About a hundred years too late to bother ME, of course. But fairly
impressive, actually, Explains the youngest's potential... though
not how it's been wasted."
Soun, in shock, allowed the Demon's Head Aura to drop. It had no
effect on the old woman? That couldn't be!
Genma nodded. "Used to scare the pants off of me, but after a
year seeing some of the things in China, I'm not that impressed
"I still want an explanation about this fiancee crap!" The
redhead was glowering at just about everyone.
"Well, son, years ago Soun and I made a pact, that as a matter of
honor, our families would be joined in matrimony, to join our houses
and our schools. Family honor rides upon the fulfillment of this
"Oh, for cryin' out loud-"
"You don't want to marry one of my girls?" demanded Soun.
"I don't wanna marry ANYONE," retorted Ranma. "I got enough
problems without marrying some girl I just MET. I mean, I don't even
"What's your point?" asked the Tendo patriarch.
"Please tell me you ain't for real."
"Ranma," Cologne sighed, "As little as I like to admit it,
arranged marraiges are not unknown amongst our people as well. And
when your father calls honor into the pact, I can only follow. At
the least, an engagement can be held, until such time as we can
figure out a resolution that will satisfy all parties."
"Excellent," beamed Soun. "All that needs to be done is for the
boy to choose-"
"I shall choose. If Ranma must have a fiancee, it will be one
worthy of our future queen," Cologne retorted. "Assuming any of
these girls ARE worthy, that is."
"I knew she'd start meddlin' again," grumped the unwilling
Cologne examined the three. All were stunned at the exchange
before them, none were willing to speak. The situation was surreal
beyond a mere omiae.
"Hmm. Too soft, too Japanese in heart, this one. And this one
is of a Shark's kin," said Cologne, dismissing Kasumi and Nabiki out
"What does that mean, exactly?" complained Nabiki. It certainly
didn't sound complementary.
"Oh, my," said Kasumi, taken somewhat aback at Cologne's casual
But Cologne ignored them, staring at Akane. "You. You have
fire, you have spirit. You have potential to be a warrior of merit
that has been shamefully wasted, but that can be fixed. You'll do,
girl, you'll do."
Akane blinked. And then she exploded. "Now JUST A MINUTE-"
Soun had returned to his jovial self again. "Well, then it's
settled! Akane is Ranma's fiancee!"
"DADDY! I CAN'T MARRY THIS- THIS PERVERT!"
"Hey! What do you mean, pervert!" demanded Ranma.
"You turn into a girl!"
"And this makes me a pervert, how?"
"It... it just DOES!"
"Okay. Cologne, can you think again? I don't need a fiancee
The elder sighed. "She's a foolish young girl who isn't worthy
of you yet, Princess, but she has possibilities. We'll see how it
Ranma sighed. She turned her head to her father, who was
Shampoo was thumbing through a Japanese/Chinese dictionary,
trying to find the word pervert. When she did, she blinked. "Angry
girl silly. Ranma no pervert."
"I bet he's not! Look at him! Her! Whatever! It's like it
doesn't even MATTER to him, turning into a girl!"
"Like I said, a year lets you get used to a lot of things,"
Ranma said evenly. "And I still don't see what's got you so worked
"Well, for one thing, you were going to peep on me in the
"When I was going to join you in the bath!"
Ranma blinked, and chewed this for a moment. "Okay, let me get
this straight. I was taking a bath. You were going to join me in
the bath. Somehow this was all some nefarious ploy to get you to
walk in on me naked so I could get an eyeful. Am I the only one that
sees this as a broken theory?"
Akane spluttered, but found herself unable to refute this.
"Is silly. Angry Girl just jealous, Shampoo think."
"Jealous?" demanded the angry girl in question. "Why would I be
jealous of that- that creature?" At the moment she was angry at the
entire world- perhaps not without reason- and her temper was on the
brink of breaking.
"No is big deal, if Ranma see girl naked. Ranma see self all
time. Ranma never peek at girl in village, even though many girl
wish would. Besides, Ranma have too too better body than Angry Girl
anyway!" Shampoo wasn't at ALL happy about the insults thrown at her
princess, or she wouldn't have said that.
"See? I knew it! IF this untrained girl can catch the Champion
off guard like that, her potential is great indeed," chortled
Mousse peered at the flattened Shampoo, under the table that
Akane had hit her with, and said, sadly, "I hate to say this, my
love, but that you had coming."
Later, after Kasumi had apologised to Shampoo with the rather
peculiar description of Akane as a "Very sweet girl, just rather high
spirited", and Ranma had been returned to a male state, the Amazons
were discussing things.
"Hey, I'da been pretty hostile myself if I'da been in her shoes.
And ya probably shouldn't have gone and said that. If there's one
thing I learned in the village, it's be nice about a girl's looks.
And she's kinda cute when she ain't yelling."
"Cute? Hah. She too too uncute." Shampoo was aggrieved at the
realisation that while here in Japan, Cologne had forbidden the Kiss
of Death OR Marraige. There was one she dearly wished to deliver at
"Definitely has a fighting spirit, though," noted Mousse.
Shampoo nodded. "Is one thing make Shampoo happy, though."
"Great Grandmother say Shampoo start train Akane. Shampoo get
even AND do duty!"
Ranma sighed. One thing was for sure... this wasn't going to be
a boring visit to Japan.
End part one.