The Lord of the Things

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters, but I am very much like a hobbit; I'm not very tall, I have MASSIVE blue eyes which freak my friends out, and LOVE to EAT. Especially shrooms.

Three were given to the boffs, who were very bright, Seven were given to the bitches, who always put up a fight, Nine were given to the chavs, who above all desired boys, And made fun of those who still loved their toys, But in the land of Bordor, where evil cackles ring, With a "Mwahahaha," Moron made another Thing, One thing to carry out the plans, which were carefully made, If found, return to Moron (the package is prepaid).

Prologue (the bit which helps you make sense of this weird story of mystery, the unknown, lies and deceit - and that's just Kandalf's homework)

It began just as it says - with the Things of Power. In the first term of Middle School the boffs were bored, and started mucking around in the chemistry lab. Along with arsenic, a smallpox virus and several nuclear bombs, they came up with the Things of Power. They kept three, but gave seven to the bitches and nine to the chavs, hoping they wouldn't bully them anymore (hahahaha - that'll work).

But Moron, the mistress of all that was evil in the world - history - got angry when she wasn't given one. So out the stuff in the lost property cupboard at the top of Mt. Waterflume, she made the One Thing to rule them all of the others, and make them do history for GCSE.

She confiscated three of the bitches' Things of power, and the other four were destroyed in a cat fight. She swayed the chavs into her power, kidnapping them on their way through town and brainwashing them with many GCSE Bitesize tapes, and they became even more evil than before - if that's possible. But the three boffs were away at chemistry camp, so they stayed free, and when they heard of what was happening they went and stayed at Riverstour, Berkwood and Lothloreal.

Moron's power was spreading, so the girls and boffs led an attack against Moron. She was defeated by Izzybore, who cut off the Thing with his father's light sabre which, ironically, ran out of battery right afterwards. Izzybore should have cast the Thing into the lost property cupboard, but hey - it matched his Prada jacket. He kept it, but was ambushed by Children in Need. Forced to donate it to charity, the Thing was lost.

Concerning Fobbits

Fobbits are a small glitch in evolution, believed to be a mixture of boffs, girls, bitches and the lesser spotted Berkwood capybara. No-one is certain of their origin, but the main theory is that the boffs who created the Things of Power also created fobbits in Biology. This would support the theory of why the fobbits were also sent a Thing of Power, which was recalled for factory repairs after each person who wore it sprouted tentacles and another head if it was worn at a full moon. There is another theory, but I'd like to keep this book 12A.

Fobbits live in a small part of Middle School, in the north west, near the Crispy Mountains and Berkwood. It is called the Mire, and contrived its name from the fact that the area is 88% swamp; it is a dare among teenage fobbits to walk across one mile the Mire wearing a blindfold. Needless to say, the most common cause of death is drowning.

Fobbits are very unremarkable creatures, and have nothing to distinct them from other species aside from the fact they are about half human height, and have a strange fascination with chocolate and gum. They do nothing remarkable, apart from astound scientists with the fact that heart disease is lower in the Mire than in Fondue. But in the Third Term of Middle School, five fobbits put their species on the map...

The Finding of the Thing (not really finding - the no-good-dirty-rotten- pilfering of the Thing.)

The Thing was found by Bellum in an 'Everything for 10p' bin in a charity shop. She loved it, and retreated to the Crispy mountains, where she sat in a cave eating takeaway Chinese food with her 'Preciouth'. But one day, something weird happened. The Thing escaped from Bellum (hitchhiking on various rats) as it had heard Moron was rising again. On its way to Moron, it was found by Albo Leggings - a fobbit. She was on her way with some bitches and Kandalf (a recently graduated witch from Hogwarts, who enjoyed entertaining her friends with her fireworks, card tricks and the ability to guess who would win Pop Idol) to take care of a dragon who had behaved in a very disorderly fashion at a disco.

But Albo had got waylaid at Topshop, and somehow ended up inside a wedding cake being delivered to the Crispy Mountains. She was looking for a way out because she was being pursued by a very angry couple of urk newlyweds; she had chosen a very unsubtle time to burst out of the cake. Also there was no reception in the cave for her mobile, which she was using to call a taxi. But she ran into Bellum, and Albo bored her half to death with a thrilling account of their journey so far.

"All wight, all wight!" cried Bellum, after 45 minutes, "I'll thow you the way out, jutht thut up!" Bellum pointed to a luminous sign saying "Exit this way".

"Dude, safe!" said Albo, and scuttled off back down the corridor. Bellum went off to her bedroom grumbling. But when she got there, she realised the Thing was missing. As Albo texted Kandalf, she heard the screams of Bellum:

"You thtink, Leggingth! You thtink! You took my Preciouth!"