First of all, I'd like to thank all my reviewers. *big hug* You guys are so grand! And because you're all so great, I'm extending my one-shot story to something a bit longer.
Secondly, I would like to thank Madhuri for pointing out that Mark actually goes to Cambridge, not Oxford. My mistake! Sorry!
*Deep breath* Here we go!
~ FRIDAY 1 JUNE ~
Mellow and wallowing in tabloids. Chocolate bars: soooo many. Mmm...
6 a.m.Am awake. Why am I awake at this ungodly hour? Could it possibly be the chocolates from last night? Silence such profanity! Chocolates are all-powerful! Never bad...
6:30 a.m.Hmph. Mum came in. Says I must be deranged. Being awake at 6 with chocolate wrappers strewn across the floor does not make one insane.
7 a.m.Have figured it out. Am upset because do not have normal period. Am now seventeen. Does that make me not normal? Maybe I won't be able to have kids - not that I want any, but ... will be old and never have children! Will be bitter old hag shaking cane from window to tell rotten nasty kids to go away! Sob sob sob... more chocolate.
8 a.m.Told Mum about my predicament. She told Daddy. Now I have to go to the bloody gyno! The gyno!
8:30 a.m.Talked to Shaz. She says don't go to gyno. Will be a pervy little man sticking fingers where they don't belong. Eww...
9 a.m.Shall not think about it. I am a strong person... I am not... afraid... of little pervy man...
9:30 a.m.I'm barren!!!
~ SUNDAY 3 JUNE ~
Stalker-esque. Chocolate bars 0 (need to diet for Greg), tabloids 0 (stories about female cults who have men in breeding stalls that give sex on command too tempting at this point), disturbing thoughts of men rejecting me due to sterility: many.
12 p.m.It just hit me. Have finally graduated from godforsaken all-girls' school! Am freeeee!!!
In first act of rebellion, will ask a boy - no, a man - on a date! Yes! A random college man!
1 p.m.Shazzer knows some bloke down at a skating rink. Good buddies with him, supposedly. Why did she never tell me this before? And how does she know guys?
Anyway, his name is Greg. A rink guard. Mmm... working man in college. Paying off his own debts. How noble.
1:04 p.m.Greg (Keanu Reeves look-alike) picked me up in his strong arms and vowed to love me forever. So handsome... so strong... all those muscles from skating...
1:05 p.m.Ouch! Shaz pinched me to wake me up from revelry. Damn! Was just a dream!
Okay, now am off to meet this... man...
2:30 p.m.You know... sometimes, just sometimes... *shaking fist angrily*
2:45 p.m.Have calmed down. Greg doesn't work on Sundays, and Sundays alone. Will see him another time. But how can I leave the house again without mum suspecting anything?
~ TUESDAY 5 JUNE ~
Angry at lying forecasters. Chocolate bars 0 (still on diet), tabloids 12 (HAD to...), beautiful, silky hair promised in shampoo advertisements: non-existent.
1 p.m.Am dreadful liar and will feel properly ashamed... in a few days. Told Mum Shaz and I were going bowling with Jude. Which reminds me: Jude has settled into a relationship with Vile Richard. Of all the vile people in the world, did she have to hook up with the one who witnessed Shaz and me at the formal? Err...
2 p.m.Walked all the way to skating rink to alleviate guilt of lying to Mum. Not such a horrible lie. Am simply meeting a random man I know nothing about for a date!
2:10 p.m.Forecasters with dazzling white smiles promised lots of sun. Therefore, refused to take any form of transportation on three-mile trip to rink. A lovely mist frizzed my hair into puff ball. Couldn't enter rink to see Greg looking that way! Also, had no money, so had to walk all the way back.
~ THURSDAY 7 JUNE ~
Horrible!!! Chocolate bars 40 (given circumstances, v. v. good), tabloids 2 (couldn't carry many from store, had to hold box of chocolates), pervy old stalker 1.
2:45 p.m.Didn't trust forecasters, who promised lots of sun again. Decided to take cab this time. Of course, was very sunny.
2:55 p.m.I see Greg! He's walking this way on his skates! So tall, so strong, so handsome... a manly man! Now he's greeting Shaz... this is it!
3 p.m.Couldn't talk to him. He walked right by.
3:05 p.m.Shaz offered to give him a "preface" - let him know who I am (sexy girl), what I want (a man), who I'm looking for (Greg!), and why (I needa shag!).
3:30 p.m.Whyyyyy is Shaz taking a bloody hour???
3:55 p.m.You bloody slag, I'm going to kill - gaaah!!!
4 p.m.Oh! Was Shaz! Innocently closed diary to prevent a nasty situation. Shaz didn't notice. Actually, she looked terrible. Asked her what's wrong. She ran to bathroom.
4:05 p.m.Can see Greg looking at me through glass door. Did he tell Shaz I was the vilest girl he ever saw and no man in his right mind would go out with me? Am I that ugly???
Must run away before he sees me blush.
4:10 p.m.OMIGAD!!! Shaz is such an eeeejit! Her conversation with Greg (minus a hour's worth of shite):
"So, Greg, what do you think of that girl I came with?"
"The girl right there." (points at me. At that point, am staring blankly into space, rocking back and forth on heels. How attractive.)
"She's looking for someone to take out on a date."
Greg blushes and giggles. Then a pregnant pause, in which it slowly dawns on Greg why Shaz is talking to him. "Oh ... me?"
Greg blushes and giggles for another hour (makes you wonder about his sexuality).
"Oh, I feel so honored! But it would be... kind of awkward, wouldn't it?"
"Why would it be?"
"Well... I'm so much older than she is..."
"What are you talking about? You're only nineteen!"
"No, Shaz. I'm thirty."
"And I'm married." Greg pauses for thought. "But I have been getting a little bored with my wife lately..."
Shaz mouths noiselessly like a fish. Finally, she cries, "What the hell are you still doing in college? And where's your bloody ring?"
Greg raises an eyebrow. Then he runs off, exclaiming
4:15 p.m.Was ready to bolt. But Shaz didn't finish bloody story yet.
Instead, she was mouthing something I couldn't understand.
By the time I realized what she was saying, was shaking Shaz by the shoulders, shouting, "What? What? What the fuck did he say?"
Her message? "He's right behind you."
4:20 p.m.Hmm... wish I didn't wear high heels today. Turns out, without his skates, and I with my massive heels, Greg's three inches shorter. But I can't just walk out of here! I first brought up the idea of an affair!
No, Bridget, that was him. All you wanted was a date with a nineteen-year-old.
But he seems really nice!
Gah! Listen to me! I'm becoming a schizo. Stoppit...
4:25 p.m.Oh, fucketty-fuck... I'm such an eejit, I really am. Not only did I give him my phone number, but I sounded so intelligent. Listen to this:
Greg walks up to me. He says, very politely, "Bridget?" in manner of Henry Morton Stanley.
"Hello," I chirp sunnily, sticking out my hand overenthusiastically. " I'm Bridget!"
4:45 p.m.Shaz obviously feels sorry about this whole mess. She paid for my cab fare and sat with me, patting my hand the whole way. Would've been comforting had it not been for her parting statement: "Don't worry, Bridget! If he tries anything funny, I'll file for statutory rape!"
~ FRIDAY 8 JUNE~
V. v. frightened. Chocolate bars 23 (must enjoy last moments of life), tabloids 0 (should not read graphic descriptions of people who go crazy and kill the women their husbands have an affair with), someone who wants to kill me 1 (gaaah!!!).
4:45 a.m.Cannot sleep a wink. Am worried Greg will call. What if Mum picks up???
5 a.m.What an arse. Good thing I wasn't sleeping. The weirdo called just now, and I managed to answer without Mum or Dad waking up. Strange convo:
G (I don't even know his last name!): (heavy breathing) Bridget?
BJ: Greg? You sound drunk. Is something the matter?
G: Bridget, Bridget... (sobbing) I can't live with my wife anymore... we've been fighting so much lately...
Imagined self playing the role of motherly, soothing marriage counselor.
G: She kicked me out of the house when she found your name and phone number in my pocket...
Now, in a romance movie, this is the point where the man tells the girl he's right outside her window and asks her to run off with him to someplace beautiful and exotic, like Trinidad and Tobago. Instead:
G: Bridget... I think she wants to kill you.
5:15 a.m.OMIGAD!!! I'm going to die!!!
A/N My apologies for a cliffhanger.
To those who feel sorry for BJ: I feel awful for Bridget, I really do. But we all know she will get her happily ever after ... a very long time from this point, but she does have her fairy tale ending.
I think it would be fair to mention that all of the things that happen in this fanfic are based on things that happen to me - blown out of proportion, but truth is there. So, all you Bridgets out there, BE CAREFUL of dirtboxes, eejits, sods, etc.!