The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode II

Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 2.

[Scene opens with an interview with Neville.]

Neville: [openly nervous] "I really just came down here looking for my - "

Interviewer: "I'm told Harry Potter was late to the welcome feast this year. Care to comment?"

Neville: "Er, I mean, it wasn't the first time Harry missed it - "

Interviewer: [interrupts] "Would you say Harry receives any favoritism from the school administration?"

Neville: "Well, I don't think that I can - "

Interviewer: "From Dumbledore, specifically?"

[There is a long pause.]

Neville: "Pass."

Interviewer: "You can't pass."

Neville: "Well, I'm doing it. Pass."

Interviewer: "That's essentially a tacit agreement, then."

Neville: [Thinks, and then nods to himself.] "Trick question. Pass again."

Interviewer: "Listen - "

Neville: "I SAID PASS."

[Severus Snape appears in the corridor once more, his nose wrinkling distastefully as he catches sight of Neville.]

Severus: [Tsking] "Mr. Longbottom, given the state of your performance in my class, I would recommend spending more time studying and less time preening for the camera." [He pauses as Neville looks sheepish.] "5 points from Gryffindor."

Neville: [tentatively] "But Professor, I - "

Severus: "But nothing, or I'll make it ten."

Neville: "Perhaps Professor Dumbledore didn't explain - " [he turns red, ducking his head and mumbling] " - we're supposed to be doing this for a reality show - I'm supposed to be doing this interview - "

Severus: [coldly] "I've never heard such a thing. Fifteen points."

[Cuts to Severus interview.]

Severus: "I know exactly what's happening. I'm not an idiot. I'm incredibly informed."

Albus: [gently] "Then perhaps you might consider, you know, not taking points away from the students you don't like - "

Severus: [interrupts] "I find that demoralizing others stabilizes my otherwise crippling lack of self-esteem and my generally unbending state of misery with regard to my life and my choices."

Albus: [Pauses in horror, and then laughs awkwardly] "He's - the thing is, he's joking."

Severus: [stone-faced] "I'm not."

Albus: [laughs again] "He is. Trust me. He's hilarious."

Severus: "I'm not."

Albus: [nudges him] "Life of the party, this one - "

Severus: "I'd sooner eat my stockings than attend a party."

Albus: [continues, unfazed] " - social butterfly, he is, as you can see - "

Severus: "I was invited to a party once. That person no longer possesses full functionality of his right testicle."

Albus: [frantically] " - TRULY UNPARALLELED SENSE OF HUMOR - "

Severus: "I told one joke in March of 1987. The recipient of the punchline died three days later."


Severus: "I sometimes fantasize about lighting small fires in order to fall asleep."

[Camera pans out to reveal that Luna is sitting on Severus' right.]

Luna: [whispers] "Burn it down."

Albus: [looks over Severus to see her, startled] "Miss Lovegood, how on earth did you get here?"

Luna: "It's probably best if you never assume I'm not everywhere at any given time, Professor."

Severus: [looking impressed in spite of himself] "That is absolutely terrifying."

Luna: [kindly] "Thank you."

Severus: "You're welcome."

Albus: [sighing] "God, I need to lie down."

Minerva, off screen: "Albus!"

Albus: [leaps up] "Oh, for fuck's sake."

[Cuts to Draco interview with Theo and Blaise.]

Draco: "You know who I hate?"

Theo: "Potter."

Blaise: "Potter."

Draco: " - Potter. He's intolerable. An idiot. And I'm so sick of his - "

Theo: "Hero antics."

Blaise: "Hero antics."

Draco: " - hero antics, you know? Just because he's Dumbledore's favorite - "

Theo: "He thinks he can just strut around - "

Blaise: " - utterly immune to consequences."

Draco: " - he thinks he can just strut around, utterly immune to consequences - "

Theo: "We know."

Blaise: "Seriously. We know."

Draco: "You know who else I hate?"

Theo: "Granger."

Blaise: "Granger."

Lee, off screen: "Hermione!"

Draco: "Granger. She's disgusting. Her hair's so big. Her skin's so soft. It's infuriating. I want to murder her with my mouth."

Blaise: "Like, eat her?"

Lee, off screen: "Don't, you signed a waiver!"

Theo: [shaking his head] "You have your emotions confused."

[Cuts to a hidden camera in the library where Ron, Hermione, and Harry are whispering in a corner.]

Hermione: [looking nervous] "I mean, surely he didn't think we'd continue his class in a N.E.W.T. year, of all years!"

Harry: "I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Hagrid thinks."

Ron: [in a slow exhale] "Fuuuuuck thaaaaaat."

Hermione: [biting her lip] "You know, I hate to agree with Ron, but - yes, that."

Harry: [shrugging his disinterest] "Let's talk about something more important. Like what Malfoy's up to."

Hermione: "He's literally right there, Harry. He's studying."

Harry: [sniffs skeptically] "I don't like it. Looks fishy."

Ron: "He's got his textbook open. He's taking notes."

Harry: "Voldemort takes notes."

Hermione: "I'm not sure that's relevant - "

Harry: "You know what else Voldemort does? Murder."

Ron: "I don't know where this is going at all."

Hermione: [glances at him, exasperated] "Do you really not?"

Harry: "I'm saying Malfoy's a Death Eater."

Ron: "Oh, I guess I did know, then."

Hermione: "Are you just trying that out on everyone to see if it sticks?"

Harry: "Is it sticking?"

Ron: "No."

Harry: "Fuck, I feel like I've got a solid argument here - look, remember the wrist thing?"

Ron: "Yes."

Harry: "The wrist thing!"

Ron: "I've got it."

Hermione: "We've definitely got it."

Harry: "Okay but I feel like you're not hearing me."

Ron: "I hear you."

Harry: "But like - hear me out, though - "

Ron: "His wrist."

Harry: " - his wrist - "

Ron: "Knockturn Alley."

Harry: " - and Knockturn Alley!"

[From the left side of the camera view Pansy and Daphne appear from the other side of the bookshelf where the Golden Trio are talking; Daphne wipes smudged lipstick from Pansy's neck and Pansy reaches out to nudge the corner of Daphne's skirt, which is folded up awkwardly, the corner of it caught in her lacy black knickers.]

Hermione: [looking over her class notes] "I feel like we're missing something."

Harry: "About Malfoy?"

Hermione: [sighs] "I can't."

[Cuts to Seamus and Dean interview.]

Seamus: "You know who I think is gay?"

Dean: "Who?"

Seamus: "Snape."

Dean: "Ooh, good one."

Seamus: "And Flitwick."

Dean: "Yep."

Seamus: "And Binns."

Dean: "The ghost?"

Seamus: "Ghosts can be gay."

Dean: "What about Dumbledore?"

Seamus: [pauses] "Nah."

a/n: Happy December 2nd! I know some of you said this coincides with your birthdays. Tumblr me/leave a review with the date and I'll include a shoutout in the endnotes.