The Bond that Cannot be Corrupted or Broken.
Also available on AO3
- I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters in this fic, all characters mentioned belong to their respective owners -
This is my first ever fanfiction, so i do apologise if it isn't very high quality or if characters are maybe slightly OOC. (I also do seem to have a problem with using extensive amounts of commas when I write. I did try to tone down the amount I used so I hope I have used them correctly)
Apologies for any typos, I am only human after all, but if you spot one, please let me know and I'll change it :)
Constructive criticism is appreciated.
I hope you enjoy!
Cas is starting to believe he isn't wanted anymore. One night he has a nightmare and is comforted by Dean. Spoilers for season 9!
Takes place somewhere after Kevin is killed and when Sam doesn't absolutely hate Dean for not telling him about Gadreel. Written with pre-Destiel in mind, however it can be read as an extremely strong friendship fic as nothing explicitly romantic happens.
It was midnight in the bunker, a slight chill ran through the rooms and settled at the front of Castiel's bed. He shivered and shifted his grip on the warm coffee mug in his hands, the heat filling them and travelling up to his arms. The coffee was starting to burn him, but he didn't let go.
"Humans are so very weak, yet so strong all at once. It's very confusing." he muttered to himself as he lifted the beverage up to his lips, wincing when it burnt his tongue. From what he had read and observed from being around the Winchesters, coffee seems to keep humans awake for longer… maybe it would work for him. He didn't want to sleep, if he did he wouldn't dream, no, he'd see his brothers and sisters burn as they dropped out of heaven- confused and alone, left for his stupid mistakes to rule their fate. He'd see Dean and Sam finally saying the things he knew they were thinking.
'We don't need you anymore.'
'You're useless, a liability.'
He wasn't welcome in the bunker.
Dean had already kicked him out once, when Gadreel was possessing Sam, but Cas was sure that wasn't the only reason. There were many reasons for why he wasn't wanted, there were too many. Thousands of his mistakes began to cloud his mind, suffocating and taunting him. He let out a shaky breath before putting down his coffee on the bed side table and flicked on a lamp next to the bed, it flickered slightly before giving off a weak glow. Cas then reached inside the small drawer that was attached to the table. It was late so he had to be careful not to make too much noise or the brothers might get fed up and kick him out right now. He didn't know why he was putting off the inevitable, but he just wanted at least one more night here.
He finally stopped searching in the drawer when his hand brushed a small plastic notebook, he pulled it out. It was a cheap 99¢ one he'd found when living on the streets, it was ripped and soggy and he really should've gotten a new one, but he hadn't wanted to bother Sam and Dean about something he didn't technically need. The notebook was filled with phrases and the basic things humans did that Cas had heard or seen and didn't understand. Many words had been crossed out after he had accidentally written them down in Enochian out of habit. He opened the first page and let his eyes fall to the first phrase he'd written.
'Let the cat out of the bag' – Revealed a secret (no cats actually involved unless the secret involves a cat)
Cas smiled slightly at the memory. He had been walking past an arguing couple when one of them shouted that phrase, he'd walked over and offered to help them find their cat. They'd burst out laughing and stopped fighting, he hadn't understood so he stepped away in confusion and carried on down the street.
He shook his head, as if shaking the memory away, and skipped ahead to the next clean page. The page was ripped slightly and had muddy fingerprints dotting the edges. He leant back over to the drawer and pulled out a black pen.
He wrote down in messy writing:
Reasons why Sam and Dean want me to leave:
I don't understand jokes or references, why keep me around if I do not understand their dialect?
I am human, I have no grace and without my grace I cannot heal or be of assistance as proven by the times I attempted to be a hunter.
The nightmares, I will wake them if I shout and/or be unable to help the next day due to sleep deprivation (Sam and Dean are not aware of the nightmares yet, but they will eventually find out and see it as a weakness. I need to attempt to prove myself and must not show weakness)
Leviathans, my selfish actions got Bobby and many other innocents killed.
The lies, they will never trust me so why keep me around?
Working with Crowley and Metatron, I ruined both Heaven and Earth.
I tried to be my father and ruined everything, I am not worthy of such power.
Cas scribbled down everything he could think of from the time he'd dropped Dean's beer, and it smashed; leaving glass everywhere, to the time he broke Sam's wall.
He had just finished writing the final point before he realised he had overlooked his biggest mistake.
He touched the pen to the page and neatly wrote:
I have failed everyone that I care about.
Two AM was creeping closer and Castiel was slowly falling into sleep's warm grasp. Every few seconds he would begin to lose consciousness, and as soon as he realised this, he would sit up straight and read over the list of why is going to have to leave.
"This is why you cannot rest. You cannot rest until you have fixed all of this." Cas grumbled as he rubbed at his eyes, memorising every single word he'd written on the page. He picked up the, now cold, coffee and poured it down his throat, the cold liquid making him feel like vomiting his entire stomach up. He quickly reached over and turned the light off. The coffee didn't seem to have any effect. He slowly began to rest back into the soft bed, his eyes shutting automatically as he began to drift off.
Dean had heard the drawer opening and closing, the bed creaking as Cas shuffled around, presumably attempting to get comfortable. He'd given him the room opposite his in case there was any trouble.
"Sleep must be difficult for him." Dean thought out loud, listening to the movement.
Dean wasn't one for showing feelings but he did feel sorry for the guy. In reality he felt incredibly guilty, but he tried not to waver on that horrible twisting feeling in his stomach every time he thought about Cas – his Cas- being left for dead on the street. He didn't deserve the angel- he'd ruined everything for him, he still didn't know why he hadn't just left him in Hell. He snuggled down further into his pillow and lifted the beer he'd been clutching; up to his lips. He heard a crash from Cas' room.
The beer bottle had been dropped and Dean was up and outside Castiel's room quicker than should be humanly possible. He held his breath as he pushed the door open slowly with his foot, gun in hand.
"...Don't...kick...out...yet..." He heard a muffled voice coming from inside the room.
''That you, Cas?" Dean barely recognised he had spoken as his own voice sounded so extremely tired and broken. He heard another muffled sound and he stepped inside the room.
'I am so sorry broth-' The voice began again, louder this time, before the figure laying on the bed twisted and jumped from laying on his stomach to his back.
"Woah! Cas, chill, buddy." Dean dropped the gun and ran over to shake Cas' shoulders to wake him from his nightmare.
"I've failed you!" Cas yelled back. "Let me fix it!"
"I don't know how to fix it! I'm sorry! So sorry for everything! You deserve better. A better angel could have pulled you out, but you're stuck with me! I don't want to leave but you don't need me! You don't want me! I'm sor-"
'CAS!' Dean shouted, his throat becoming dry as he realised what Castiel had been saying. He thought Dean didn't want him here anymore when really, it was the polar opposite. He needed Cas here, not for his mojo; that may or may not come back, not because of his varied knowledge on- well- everything, but because he was family. Other than his brother, Dean had no one, no one except Cas.
Cas shot up, inches from Dean's face. It was mere seconds before salty tears began to fall down his face.
The nightmare was worse than he could've imagined. Before, it was like watching a movie, he would've been able to stop it or it would've stopped itself before it got too much to handle, but this time… It felt so real.
At first it started in the bunker, Cas was getting up from his chair at the map table. It was late and he was obviously going to get some sleep in his room but Sam and Dean blocked his path and shook their heads, pointing to the exit.
"Don't kick me out yet, please." he begged, clasping his hands together involuntarily, watching as the brothers did nothing but shake their heads.
The dream began to morph, the edges blackening and the figures fading. Cool air hit his skin. He was outside, in a clearing. Trees surrounded and towered over him. When he was an angel, and still in heaven, the trees had looked so small and insignificant compared to the rest of the world, but now the size of them is very… intimidating. As he craned his neck to see the tops of them, he saw a bright light fall from the dark sky, then another, then another. This seemed too familiar…
"How could you?!" He heard a voice shout, it seemed to be coming from all around him, echoing in his head. The bright lights weren't just lights. They were angels. It was his brothers and sisters falling from the sky- from heaven, as they had done when he'd first lost his 'mojo' (as Dean liked to call it). Instead this time he could hear every single one of their voices, crying for help, cursing and damning him to Hell. He began to shout.
"I'm sorry broth-" his voice trailed off as things began to go insane. He saw fire pour from the sky, twisting and engulfing the clouds, he could smell it as if it was the real thing. He felt a sudden sharp pain in his back he turned to see his wings. They looked nothing like his real wings. These wings were suited to his vessel, smaller and less angelic, more like an eagle's. The fire from the sky began to latch onto the trees, travelling down to attack his wings. The pain was intense, a burning, a scratching, a ripping. Even when his grace was ripped out by Metatron it hadn't torn apart his wings, feather by feather. If he ever got it back, he would still have his wings, wouldn't he? The pain began to decrease as the dream began to morph again.
He was back in the bunker, but this time, leaning over a dying Dean. His stomach began to churn when he saw those, usually piercing, green eyes stare into nothing. He choked out a sob. He was never usually emotional, he never cried.
So why wouldn't the tears stop? He couldn't breathe. He reached out and touched Dean's face with a shaking hand, tracing a gash just below the cheekbone. He began to apologise, promised he would fix him, promised to fix everything. He tried to heal him, but he couldn't, not without his grace. He apologised again for failing him, told him how much he knew he wasn't wanted.
Something pulled him out of his nightmare, it was too dark to see but he could almost feel Dean's presence. He didn't want to show weakness but, like in the dream, the tears wouldn't stop.
"Jesus, Cas." Dean whispered, sitting down on the bed next to him and pulling him into an embrace. He subconsciously began to rub his thumb back and forth against the angel's back as he rested Cas' head in the crook of his neck. "It's gonna be okay now, don't worry. It was just a crappy dream, I've gotcha." This scenario vividly reminded Dean of when he would comfort Sammy after a bad dream back when they were kids. He was never very good at it but Sam always appreciated the effort.
Cas' shoulders shook as he cried. It was when he realised how weak he seemed, he pushed back. Dean released him immediately, but kept his hands on his shoulders. His eyes were red and puffy and tear tracks stained his face. He sniffed and looked up into Dean's green eyes, it was dark but they were bright enough to pierce through the night. Just comparing how dead they had looked in the nightmare made him want to cry even more, but he wouldn't let himself show anymore weakness.
"Sorry. I, uh." Cas' voice came out high and wavered a little, he cleared his throat to return it to its usual emotionless, gruff tone.
"I didn't wake you, did I? I don't wish to be any more of a liability than I already am." He shifted uncomfortably as Dean held his gaze, shocked at the words Cas was saying. He must've misinterpreted Dean's silence for disgust or annoyance as he began to try to stand up. Dean held the grip on Cas' shoulders which kept him stuck in a sitting position.
"No, I was still awake." A pause. "It was a nightmare wasn't it?" Dean didn't know why he'd asked when it was so painfully obvious Cas had been having a nightmare, he'd heard him screaming about the angels falling and the fear of Dean not wanting him around just mere seconds ago. Cas nodded slowly, trying to avoid eye contact by lowering his head.
Dean lifted Cas' chin up, gently, trying to get him to look at him. Cas' eyes shifted and focused on nothing in particular in the dark, over Dean's shoulder.
"Cas, look at me." Blue eyes flicked to stare at him. Now his vision had adjusted to the lack of light, he could see how vulnerable and scared Cas looked, it broke Dean's heart to think that Cas had to go through all this, thinking no one wanted him.
"You were talking… in your sleep…well, more like screaming." Cas' eyes widened and he tried to look down again, but Dean just slowly lifted his chin back up. "I-. I'm not a fan of chick flick moments but I'll make an exception tonight. Cas, why would you think I would kick you out?"
"The most recent page should give you enough sufficient evidence for why I should believe you would." Cas replied in almost a whisper, his voice was hoarse and broken yet he still felt the need to try to act strong to prove himself.
Dean let his hands drop to his lap as Cas reached out and pulled a string on the lamp on the bedside table. He picked up an old notebook that looked like it had been to Hell and back, which knowing Cas it probably had. He passed the ripped notebook to Dean and he flicked to the most recently used page.
Reasons why Sam and Dean want me to leave:...
...I have failed everyone that I care about.
Dean felt tears pricking at the back of his eyes, burning and threatening to let his emotional barrier's guard down. He blinked them away before looking back up at Cas.
"That is why, Dean." Castiel muttered, giving him a small, sad smile.
"Do you have a pen, Cas?" Dean asked, voice cracking in the middle of the question.
Cas reached over and passed him the black pen that was on the table. Dean began to write on the next page.
Reasons why I want Cas to stay:
There isn't a reason, he's family and we need him. Dean sucked in a deep breath and scribbled through the last part of the sentence he had just written.
He wrote neatly underneath.
I need him.
Cas had looked at the words on the page and back to Dean multiple times before letting the tears fall again.
"I'm sorry Dean, I don't know how to stop this." Cas gestured to his face and the slowly falling tears. "I know this probably makes you uncomfortable- especially in this particular type of vessel."
"S'okay Cas." Dean whispered and reached out to pull Cas back into an embrace.
'I am supposed to do this with my arms, right?' Cas asked, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist.
Dean huffed out a laugh "Yes, Cas."
It was when Dean began to sniff, Cas let go.
"Have I upset you, Dean? You typically do not cry, so- I apologi-."
"Don't apologise, Cas." Dean snapped, Cas flinched at the sudden change of tone.
"Sorry, um." Dean mumbled, shaking his head as he cringed at his lack of comforting skills. He wiped at his eyes and moved his hands down to wrap around Cas' wrists. "I don't want you to ever think you're less than any of us, you're more than we could ever ask for and I'm surprised you even want to stay here with me all marked up." Dean raised his right arm slightly and sniffed again, another tear threatening to fall. Dean let go of Cas' wrists and began to stand up. "Look, I, uh, I'll just go now and leave you to get some more-" Dean suddenly stopped talking when Cas reached over pulling Dean into another hug, presumably attempting to comfort him.
"I will fix this Dean, I promise you. But you, uh, wouldn't… never mind… it is too much to ask." Cas broke off the embrace and looked down at his lap.
"As long as it doesn't involve destroying the Impala, or letting Sammy or you work with Crowley, I'm all for it. What is it?"
Cas mumbled something unintelligible and Dean raised his eyebrows as if to ask 'you gonna say that louder?'. Castiel sighed.
"Stay with me? You don't have to, it's just, I don't want the nightmare to come back and I feel that it won't return with you near me." Dean watched as Cas shifted around, obviously embarrassed to have made such a confession.
"For an angel, you're quite the sap." Dean joked as he stood up and walked around to the other side of the bed, crawling in next to him. Cas reached over and switched the light off.
"Thank you for this, Dean." Cas whispered as he turned to face the hunter, smiling warmly at him.
Dean just nodded in acknowledgement and draped his arm over Cas' waist. "Sleep, Cas, you'll be fine."
The nightmare didn't return and Dean had the best night's sleep he's had since gaining the mark.
As the hours passed, the hunter and the fallen angel shifted closer together, embracing the feeling of each other's presence.
It was 7am and Sam was up making breakfast, if you'd asked Dean, he wouldn't even have considered it breakfast, just some rabbit food crap. Sam had already found them a case and was ready to head off, but something was keeping Dean, he wasn't in his room and he didn't want to disturb Cas, he needed as much sleep as he could get, but he had no other choice.
"Cas…have you seen-" Sam began, pushing the already slightly open door, open a little more. He stopped in his tracks, convinced the most adorable scene was playing out in front of his eyes. Dean and Cas were facing each other, still asleep of course, and Cas' forehead was pressed into Dean's chest, as protective arms wrapped around him.
Sam totally didn't take a picture… He also totally didn't postpone the vamp nest case to let the two little 'lovebirds' sleep….
Dean and Cas may not be 'together', but anyone can see that their bond is something that can never be replicated, replaced or even broken.
So, how was that? I'm kind of proud of how it turned out, sure it may not be absolutely amazing but I think I captured the characters kinda well.
Leave a review and let me know what you thought!