Fifty Shades Darker: My Ana
Ch 1: Monster?
Pre read by Sheri Dean
Disclaimer: I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James does. I'm just playing with her characters.
Ana walked out on Christian after three months of trying and learning to be his submissive. Christian soon realizes after she leaves how empty his life is without her. He wants to win her back, but learns it will be hard task. Will Ana take him back? Can Christian do without the BDSM lifestyle he has come accustomed to? Along the way, there will be my own twists and turns. There will be some BDSM in this story. This story will be told in Christian's POV.
She'd left me! She'd said she wouldn't leave me and begged me in her sleep not to leave her, but she was gone. I couldn't believe it! The memory of her walking out of my life would not go away. It had all but consumed my every waking hour, the disappointment and hurt so evident in her eyes as the elevator carried her away from me.
What if I had hesitated and not been so anxious? Would I have realized it was too soon? That she was once again sacrificing herself to fulfill a need in me?
Shit, what had I done?
Instead, in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to satisfy the monster inside me. She was the one that said, "Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get." Why in the hell did she not use her safe words?
Always so stubborn.
I'd told her over and over to use her safe words! I'd trusted her, and she'd let me down. She said she'd use them, and she didn't. She'd said to me, "Show me," and I had. And now she's gone.
Fuck. Why did she run from me?
I told myself it was just a means to an end. Ana had to see the monster within me before we could move forward with our relationship, arrangement, or whatever this was. And she'd let me. She didn't stop me.
What a fool I'd been.
She'd let me punish her because she loved me. The thought was both disturbing and terrifying. She didn't safe word because she trusted me not to go too far. Instead, here I sat, alone, miserable, and paralyzed by uncertainty.
The phone buzzed and my heart rate immediately spiked, then fell again when I recognized it was Elena. I didn't want to tell her what had happened; it was like saying the words out loud would make them a reality.
"Hello." I didn't bother to disguise my voice; she knew me and would immediately know something was troubling me. Elena had been the one I'd looked to for advice with my submissives. Ana never was, and never will be, my submissive.
Move on, Grey.
"She left me," I muttered.
"Oh?" Elena sounded surprised. "You want me to come over?"
Her response was simple. "This life isn't for everyone, Christian."
"Hell, Christian, you sound like shit. Do you want to go out for dinner?"
"I'm coming over."
"No, Elena. I'm not good company. I'm tired and I want to be alone. I'll call you. Good-bye."
I didn't want to talk to her.
I was exhausted and in dire need of sleep. I dread going to bed. Sleep had never brought me peace, only the promise of pain and despair every time I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.
I wake with a jolt - it was light out. Still in bed, I reached over and grabbed the pillow Ana has used. It tortured me with her leftover fragrance. I hadn't left my home in weeks; what little work I'd been able to accomplish had been from my study.
A new nightmare haunted me now that she'd left me. In it, Ana repeatedly left me every time I closed my eyes. Night after night, I saw the anguish and disgust on her face as the elevator doors shut on my first attempt at 'more'. This ache in my chest would not go away; a constant reminder of all that I'd lost. The feeling was so intense, it was as if someone was stabbing me right in the chest.
Ugh. Why was this so painful? Why did I care so much about her? Why?
That thought, along with her scent, overwhelmed me and I started to hyperventilate. I had to get out of here. I did the only thing I knew to do, I ran. I pushed myself harder and faster, but Ana continued to invade my every thought.
Fuck. I couldn't run from this pain.
I stopped and changed the music to something more violent: "Pump It," by the Black Eyed Peas. I was in a full run when I reached her street; I ached everywhere and my head was throbbing. I just wanted to check that she was okay. No, that wasn't true. I wanted to see her. I paced the sidewalk, wondering if she was still sleeping - if she was even there at all. What if she wasn't alone, what if someone else was touching what was mine? My anxiety escalated and I began to feel ill. I couldn't seem to catch my breath.
You've brought this on yourself, Grey. Forget her. She's not for you.
I had to get out of here before I forced my ass right back into her life. I ran as I never ran before, far away from Anastasia Steele.
She'd be better off without you. You can't be what she wants.
No matter how many times I said those words to myself, every day I continued to run down her street, all in hopes of getting a glimpse of Ana leaving for work. The same day I started my new running routine, I resumed work. I had to be able to keep an eye on her, and that meant acquiring SIP. If Roz and I worked together on the revisions for SIP, we would be able to make an offer sooner. The last couple of days had gone well, with the exception of Roz. She had noticed my distraction and shortness with my staff, which was not like me, and she would be calling me on my shit soon. I focused on nothing but contracts and drafts, managing to stay somewhat productive. Elena texted me for the third time today, and I ignored this one just as I had the other two. The intrusion broke my concentration and once again, I was thinking of Ana.
Okay, Grey, you know what she wants. More.
I called the florist and ordered two dozen red roses and a gray teddy bear. Red roses reminded me of her blush when I kissed or touched her. A gray teddy bear was to remind her of me at night. Now, what to say on the card? 'I miss you. Come back to me.' No, better to keep it simple and say what I should say, not what I wanted to:
Congratulations on your first day at work. I hope it went well.
It had been four days since I had sent Ana flowers and I had yet to receive a response. I checked my phone once again in vain. I desperately was in need a shower.
Switching off the water, I stepped out of the shower and starred in the mirror. "What have you done asshole?" The bastard in the mirror did nothing but mock me - unshaved and staring at me, with gray, miserable eyes. He exhaled and put his head in his hands, just as I did. My thoughts drifted to Flynn when he'd questioned me.
"Have you thought about trying a relationship her way?"
"Did you find sexual relations with her satisfying?"
"Yes, but she can't be what I want her to be, and I can't be what she wants me to be."
"Are you sure?"
"All I know for sure is the ache I feel in my chest, John. I've tried, I mean really tried, but she is still all I can think about."
"Christian, has it occurred to you that you might be in love with Ana?"
No, I can't be. I'm incapable of loving anyone.
"I know you believe you are this monster, undeserving of love. The truth is, Christian, you are quite capable of loving Anastasia. She has obviously had a profound effect on you. She clearly means much more to you than you're willing to admit to yourself. If it meant a relationship with her, would you be willing to give up the BDSM lifestyle?" Flynn asked flatly.
"It's not a lifestyle, it's who I am," I stated firmly.
Flynn ignored my statement and continued, "It sounds to me like you want to be with this girl. You miss her. Do you want to be with her?"
"Yes," I whispered.
It had never occurred to me that I could have a vanilla relationship. Was it possible for someone like me? From nowhere, I recalled an earlier email to Anastasia where I'd told her, 'In Dom/sub relationships, the submissive holds all the power.' If she didn't want "the lifestyle" then neither did I.
Could it be so simple? Could I change? Fuck, there it was: hope. If I could, would she take me back?
Elena taught me years ago that love was for fools. "It blinds you." Could she have been wrong all this time? Could I have fallen in love with Anastasia Steele? Was the pain in my chest love?
"Christian, you look like you're deep in thought. Are you okay?"
"I'm just confused… that's all. I was taught that love was for fools, and made you weak."
"Christian, you need to forget everything Elena taught you. What I want to know is what you believe. It seems to me you were so focused on reaching your goal, that you missed the journey you two took together."
I'm not worthy of her. She couldn't love me.
I took a sharp breath and remembered my words to her, "You are the one with all the power."
The closer I examined the man in the mirror, the more I realized I didn't recognize him… me. I'd obviously lost some weight; my skin was pale and there were dark circles under my eyes. It's no wonder I'd received so many lingering looks from my staff when I'd returned to the office. Perplexed, I reached for my trimmer. It was difficult to conceive the possibility that I was in love with Anastasia Steele?
I started brushing my teeth when Taylor appeared in my mirror. I held my finger up, signaling him to give me a minute. I spat and then turned my attention to Taylor, and asked, "So, what was Ms. Steele up to?"
"Monday, she started work at SIP as Jack Hyde's assistant. Flowers were delivered to her apartment at 5:40 p.m. Jose Rodriguez picked her up at exactly 9:00 p.m. They went to a local bar for drinks where I observed that the two held hands once, then nothing more. Tuesday night she went home and remained there the entire night. Wednesday at 6:30 p.m., Jose Rodriguez entered the apartment, where he remained until 12:15 a.m. Last night she met Ethan Kavanagh at the same local bar at 8:30 p.m. Ethan led Ana to a back booth and proceeded to flirt with her numerous times over the next two hours. It appeared that Mr. Kavanagh wanted to be more than friends with Ms. Steele. At 10:43 p.m., he walked Ms. Steele to the door, where he whispered something in her ear. There was a brief hug and then they both went their separate ways."
I growled like damn rabid dog. What the fuck? Did these boys have nothing better to do than to sit back and wait for me to screw up, so they could run to the rescue and take what was mine? When I took Anastasia to my place for the first time, she'd shocked the hell out of me when she'd revealed her virginity. I mentioned the fact that men must throw themselves at her, but she'd quickly replied, "Not one I ever wanted." This could have changed since she'd left.
"Keep an eye on them. I want to know every little detail. Understand, Taylor?"
"Of course, sir, as you wish." He left me with my thoughts. I continued with my grooming, leaving a little scruff - it matched my mood.
I would get Ana back, if it was the last thing I did. At this moment, there were two things I was sure of: one, I needed her in my life, and two, I couldn't live without her. If it was a vanilla relationship she wanted, then that's what she'd get. I would take what I could get at this point. I'd be damned if anyone, especially Jose Rodriguez or Ethan Kavanagh, got near my Ana again.
She. Was. Mine!
I settled into my chair, determined to win Ana back. I had nothing but time, I thought, as I glanced at my desk calendar. Right in front of me was my in: "Portland" penciled in for tomorrow! I smiled for the first time in weeks and I started to plan. Thank fuck I knew the email form for all SIP employees. Wait, what the hell should I say?
Remember, keep it simple, Grey.
I note that tomorrow is the gallery opening of your friend's show and I doubt you had time to purchase a new car. I would be more than happy to attend with you - should you wish. Let me know. I hope all is well. Did you receive my flowers?
There. That should do it. I watched and waited, pacing my study and checking my inbox. And waited some more. I distracted myself by going to the kitchen in search of a meal, my anxiety growing with every passing second. My heart leapt into my throat when I heard the ping alerting me to a new message; it was from Ana. It read,
Thank you for the flowers, they are beautiful. As far as your invitation, I will consider it.
I could do nothing but stare at her words. I smirked; God, I missed her and that sass. She was most certainly going to make me work for it. No one had ever said 'no' to me before. She'd done it at my parent's home, and the way she'd done it turned me on.
My sister had returned home, so Grace had planned a family dinner. As we were all discussing Ana and Kate's move to Seattle, Kate mentioned that Jose was helping them. She'd even said that they went out for drinks afterward. I placed my hand on her thigh, letting her know she was mine. My mother asked Ana where her parents lived.
"My mother lives in Georgia."
"Savannah," Ana answered, as I moved my hand higher up her thigh.
"Oh, how nice, but I hear it is rather hot this time of year."
"Yes, it's rather humid," Ana said as she slapped my hand away.
Mother got my attention by saying, "You hear that, Christian? Even grown children visit their mother every now and again."
After that, I had taken Ana for a walk on the grounds. We went to the pool area when I pulled her into a rough kiss. Her saying no to me under the table made my dick twitch now just thinking about it. It was then that I realized I was the one changing.
She wanted romance and I had no experience in that. I told her that if she would sign the contract she wouldn't have to worry about anything. She wanted to know if I liked her the way she was, of course I did!
"Then why are you trying to change me?" She asked.
Oh God. I'm not.
"It's…." I started to say.
"Christian why can't we be like a normal couple? Why can't I touch you? Why does it have to be like this?"
"Ana please...it's you that's changing me." And it was true, she has changed me.
I turned my attention back to Ana's e-mail and respond immediately.
"I hope you do consider going with me Ana. I miss you.
I sent the email. I worked on some things while I waited. It was nearing five o'clock and she should be getting off any moment. My email pinged alerting me I had mail. It was from Ana.
"I have considered your invitation. I would like to
go with you Christian.
"It would be my pleasure. See you then.
Ahhhh, I could relax again knowing I would be seeing her in a few days. I continued to work, trying to pass my time. Elena called me and wanted me to go to dinner. Since I hadn't been out of the house a while, I decided to go. I changed into a suit and called Taylor letting him know I was ready to leave.
I met Elena at our usual spot. The host seated me at the table where Elena was impatiently awaiting my arrival. I was going to need a stiff drink for this conversation.
"Well, Christian, you're looking as handsome as ever. Not at all what I was expecting." Elena said, as she took a sip of her wine.
"That's because I talked to Ana today. Well, I emailed her." I replied.
"Oh? Last I heard she didn't want a relationship with you Christian, at least not the one you crave."
I sighed. I knew exactly what Elena was going to say when I tell her.
Here goes nothing.
"That's true. I gave it some thought and I decided that I was willing to give us, Ana and I, another try."
"Christian, you are fooling yourself if you think you can have a relationship with that girl. She cannot give you what you need. I should know."
"Elena, with all due respect, I have never given a vanilla relationship a chance. Ana is not like any woman I've ever known. She challenges me; she makes me work for it. I like that."
Elena raised her eyebrow and leaned forward. "Christian look, all I am saying is don't set yourself up for failure. Feelings only get in the way of what people like us truly need which is total control. I know you Christian. I created you. You are a dom and there is no changing that."
I also leaned forward. "Elena, please try to understand. Ana told me before she left that she was in love with me. I never believed anyone could love someone like me. I just want to try with her. She made me feel...safe. I haven't felt that in a long time, if ever."
"Suite yourself, but don't come crying to me when this fails a second time. I may not be there to catch you when you fall. Really Christian, I taught you better."
"I understand it was you that taught me how to be a Dom. I get that but don't you ever treat me as your submissive. I am not one of your boy toys that you can order around. You got me? Now, shall we have dinner?"
I will not have Elena treat me as she treated her submissives. We finished our dinner and I headed back to Escala. I had work to do before retiring for the evening.
A/N: Its back by popular demand! Hope you all enjoy!