Satire/Parody fic to relieve the frustrations of watching this show for way too long. Not really proof-read and not to be taken too seriously. Written about a year ago (before the identity of the girl with Sera was revealed – totally called it!)
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Also, is it just me or does Akai Shuichi have the same voice as Kuroba Toichi? It was bothering me during the whole movie
27/6/2016 Note: This is a one-shot crack fic, so no updates! Just me coming back occasionally to fix my grammar mistakes and delete unnecessary details/sentences.
"And this is Masumi Sera-san, she's in the same class as me and Sonoko at Beika High," Ran gestured to the boyish detective at her side.
Sera boldly walked forward and held out her hand, "Hi," she chirped, "It's nice to finally meet the Great Detective of the West!"
Instead of taking her hand, the dark-skinned detective merely folded his arms and glared, "Yeah, yeah I already heard everything about ya from da kid, so let's just skip da formalities and get t' da part where ya fail t' impress me."
"Uh…" Masumi kept her hand out, not sure if Hattori was trying to be friendly or not.
"Ya're basically just da reincarnation of Honda Eisuke, aren'cha?"
Sera blinked, genuinely confused, "Huh? Honda Eisuke, who's that?"
"Re-reincarnation?" Ran, too looked utterly confused and a little upset, "Eisuke's dead?"
"Hattori!" Conan hissed, completely forgetting honorifics in front of the others. How dare Hattori worry Ran unnecessarily!
Quickly turning on his boyish charms, Conan spun around to comfort his future wife, "Heiji-niichan didn't mean dead dead. Just, dead for all intensive purposes….you know….to the plotline" he finished lamely.
"Er who's Eisuke?" Sera asked again.
"You see? It's like he never even existed!" the boy innocently pointed out the truth. Somewhere across the world in America, a young teen with black hair and glasses was having an intense sneezing fit.
Still looking a little troubled, Ran conceded (as always).
"Fine then, since it seems no one's going to let me in on who this guy is, mind telling me how exactly I'm related to him?" Sera changed her question, starting to look a little peeved.
Hattori sighed, "Ya're not related t' him, ya're da exact same characta'."
Sera raised a skeptical eyebrow as Ran looked confusedly back and forth between the two.
Hattori spread out his arms exasperatedly, "A gender ambiguous kid from da US comes t' Japan t' search for der older sibling who's an undercova foreign agent in da BO."
Sera gasped, how did this guy she just met know about Shuu-nii!?
"BO? What's that?" Ran asked innocently.
"Furdamore, not only do ya seem ta know more about the situation than ya lettin' on, but ya also are in da same class as Nee-chan here, dus befriending her and are playin' third wheel to da main couple canon."
Ran blinked, "But Hattori-kun, she's not hitting on me like Eisuke-kun did." She pointed out.
Hattori rolled his eyes again, "Yeah but she's apparently been hittin' on Kudo ov'r here for a while now," he explained jerking his thumb back to Conan.
"Oi! Hattori!" Conan cried frantically, "You're gonna blow my cover!"
But it was too late. Ran already had a look of dawning realization coming over her eyes, "Y-you mean that Conan is actually-"
Acutely aware of the impending damage, Hattori waved his arms about frantically.
"No! Ah –er- that is –OMG LOOK OV'R DERE IT'S KUDOU WHATA COINCIDENCE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs pointing in the same general direction of the faux child.
"What? Really!? Where? Where?" Ran cried scanning the area.
"Aw man he just got on dat bus – ya just missed'im Nee-chan." Hattori said in clearly fake disappointment.
Ran glared at him suspiciously, "Not that I care that much if Shinichi was really there or not - because it's not like I'm hopelessly in love with him or anything, but if you're just jerking my chain Hattori-kun, I'm gonna-" she cracked her knuckles evilly.
Conan quickly stepped in to help his friend- "I saw him too, Ran-neechan! Heiji-niichan's telling the truth!"
To his surprise and discomfort Ran just scowled, "Well I know you saw him, Conan-kun" she spat, "You always do. So that's not gonna help his case."
Conan jerked back first in fear -Er- what's that supposed to mean!?- and then sweat-dropped- She's definitely Eri-obasan's child.
Luckily – almost too lucklily- Sera was there to save the day.
"Don't worry Ran-san, I think I saw Kudou-kun too." She insisted, resting a comforting hand on Ran's shoulder.
Ran's demeanor did a 180, "Oh- you did? Well if you say so then he must have been there…" she started to look a little sad, "So that means that Shinichi and Conan were all too-conveniently in the same place at the same time again so they can't possibly be the same person! How could I ever have thought that? I'm so stupid. Stupid-Stupid-Stupid Ran." She banged her head against the wall. "Excuse me, I-I'm going to go home and cry myself to sleep whispering the name of that mysterious detective idiot that I love who's been missing for almost a year or twenty."
With that the poor girl dashed off into the sunset. Conan, who actually is Shinichi, looked after her with a painful expression.
Ran, he thought sadly.
Hattori, on the other hand, was more than a little relieved. He proceeded to eye Sera warily, "And go figure ya'd know abou' Kudo's true identity as well."
Sera glared back. The ungrateful jerk.
"Face da truth" he challenged, "You only exist ta finish da plotline dat Eisuke Honda started with da BO. That and ta add a little non-existent love triangle to da mix."
He stepped forward to poke at Sera's also non-existent chest. "On top of dat ya both have like da exact same stupidly cheerful personality. But rather than be a total clutz and a dunce while followin' da trail of Kudou, dey thought dat makin' you smart and physically capable and still followin' da trail of Kudou woulda instead made you somewhat along the lines of an original charata'."
"Sh-shut up!" Sera shouted, "There are other differences I'm sure. Does this Eisuke of yours have his mothe- I mean, mysteriously shrunken girl hiding out with him somewhere?"
"Haibara rip off" Conan muttered before he could stop himself.
Hattori raised an eyebrow, "What, don'cha tell me she's an ex-BO member too?"
"Well- what about my other brother!? That's original isn't it?" She protested.
"Won' believe it 'til I see it."
"Arrgh!" Sera let out an uncharacteristic cry of frustration. Then she stop suddenly with a grin.
Putting her hands on her hips, the (fe)male detective leaned forward tauntingly towards Hattori.. "Hmph. I can't believe I'm getting a lecture about unoriginal characters from you! A detective boy in love with a cop's daughter who is also his childhood friend. Yeah, never heard that one before!" She proclaimed triumphantly.
"Uh, well, uh, well, uh, well," the Kansai-jin scratched the back of his head, unable to retort.
"But Sera-neechan" a tug on the girl's skirt brought her attention down to the innocent-looking bespectacled boy, "Didn't you know that logically the only successful romantic relationships that can existence are those that spawn from blissfully ignorant childhood friendships? I mean, I started to have indecent thoughts- I mean, a romantic attraction to Ran since I was five!And we're the epitome of true love!And don't even get me started on how many cops I know who are attracted to their one and only childhood friend despite the kajillion just-as-good look-a-likes out there in the world. I mean, I bet even the Kaitou KID is attracted to his childhood friend!"
"Who probably looks just like Nee-chan considering how often he hits on her." Muttered Heiji recalling something that Kazuha told him that Ran told her.
"Arrrgh!" Sera tore at her hair in the air before spinning around accusingly. "Btw fyi tmi you guys, too much info! Whatever happened to being strategically oblivious to all the obvious stuff?"
"You mean like how locked room murders are totally overdone?" Conan offered.
Heiji grinned, "Ya mean like how Nee-chan is still somehow convinced dat Kudou's not da kid?"
Conan glared "Or like how Hattori's in love with Kazuha nee-chan?"
"Or like how every character who kicks ass looks like Kudou?"
"Or like how Hattori's met Hakuba for the first time twice?"
"Or like how Kudou Shinchi is really actually da Kaitou KID."
"Hey that's not true!"
"…I…have absolutely no way of doing that…."
"Moving on, you mean like how all cool people's parents are either non-existent, divorced, dead, or eternally living abroad?"
"Or how there's always conveniently three suspects with no alibis and the one who comes across the least suspicious is the criminal?"
"Or how the criminal is usually the guest voice-actor?"
"Or how James Black of da FBI is clearly da evil Anokata of the Black Organization"
"Or like how – wait, what? Really!?"
"Ya man, he was introduced early enough in da series, is old enough to be Vermouth's dad, and his last name is, well, Black. DUH"
"…You can't just know that. It's too simple!"
"Dude, don'cha ever pay attention ta people's names? I mean, protagonists aside, look at half da criminal's! If there's one thing ya shoulda already deduced from Gosho is that names are never a coincidence."
"…I suppose you're right. Burakku-san (ブラック aka Black) and the Kurososhiki (黒組織 aka BO) wouldn't be an immediately obvious connection for most Japanese viewers. And it's why you will eternally be second-rate to me, Heiji"
"Shut it KID."
"Or how nobody ever ages?" Sera interrupted to get them back on track again.
"Or how our society just went from purely landlines to everybody and their grandma's got a smartphone in apparently less than a year?"
"Or how there's been so many summer, Golden Week, and Christmas episodes even though not even a year has passed?"
"Or how the movie trailers always seem to be incredibly misleading?"
"Or how The Worse Two Days of Edogawa Conan's Life, amongst others, are just animated fanfiction- God I'm so jealous."
"Or how the only reason Kudou will never officially team up with Kaitou KID to take down the BO is 'cuz NHK secretly controls all TV broadcasts and as they are run by the government they won't permit any condoning of illegal acts in mass media."
"Well, they're the only ones who require a mandatory fee from all residents in Japan regardless if your TV is even hooked up or whether or not you actually use their services."
"What does that have to do with anything? And how did Heij just randomly lose his accent?"
"Or how we have no idea who is saying what anymore."
"FINE!" She said, "Just forget I ever came here to meet you! You clearly think so little of my character!" The frustrated detective girl turned around to walk away.
"Good! N' while yer walking away why don'cha just keep goin' all da way back ta America!" Hattori shouted after her.
"I will!" She called back over her shoulder, "After I find Shuu-nii and understand his reasons, I'm going to go back to make myself a better person and join the FBI so I can help him!"
Hattori grinned, "Thought so!"
If you have any similar frustrasions about the obvious inconsistencies in the DC series, feel free to share in the reviews!