GATE: Red vs Blue
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Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE
AN: PLEASE READ: Oiii, hello people. I know, it's been a few months, but recently...I'l be honest, it was hell for a while. I live with and was raised by my grandmother. Back in March, she was in the hospital for a month after a triple-whammy of pneumonia, flu, and heart attack. Among family issues, trying to get things adjusted, it was been rough. She's home, she's back to her old self. Anyway, due to such various RL issues, I set up a pat-reon under my username. I'm not asking you to pay me for my fics, I'm just reaching out through them. I won't hold my fanfics hostage and will keep posting unless I'm unable. If you are willing to tip me, you have my thanks. If not, I hope you enjoyed my fics regardless. Patrons get sneak peaks of future chapters and access to original content by me.
Aboard the command deck of a Stalwart Light Frigate, a meeting was taking place that would be the beginning of a grand change in the galaxy.
Not that anyone observing it would believe that.
"Captain Church, welcome aboard," a distinctly female officer, armor trimmed with white and green stripes, addressed him amidst the men and women manning the bridge.
"Yeah, yeah, that's great. Where's this Dave I need to talk to?" Church asked with obvious impatience and annoyance since he wasn't allowed to bring the Hellspitter up here, just his regular sniper rifle.
The woman glanced behind Church, seeing none of the team sent to investigate the gulch. "That would be me," she confessed, matching his annoyance with her own.
"...Say fuck now?" Church deadpanned at the commanding officer.
"Captain Emersyn Dave of the Yellow Death," she introduced with an eye roll Church could feel through the helmet. "Look, let's just clear this up? Do you got a problem with me being a woman?"
"You obviously haven't met my girlfriend," Church murmured with a head shake. "No, it's just...Your name sounds backwards and like a guy's in either case."
"Trust me, I know, I've cussed out my parents a few times for that choice. Along With Every Asshole On This Ship That Keeps Beating This Dead Joke!" she agreed, loudly at the end as everyone on the bridge made an obvious effort not to respond.
"If you want, I could shoot Zimmer and Tolkien when I get back down there," Church offered with a smirk.
"That depends, are you paying for their medical bills?" Emersyn returned the "joke" with a snort.
"Yeaaaah, that'll happen within the next Shitury," Church answered dryly before perking up. "Wait, we have a medic. Would that cover it? I mean, we tried, right?"
"Medic-Medic or Medic-Field-Doctor?" Emersyn inquired without missing a beat.
"Medic-Medic," Church answered in a long, suffering tone.
"Then no, that would not get you out of a medical bill, or the charges for that matter," Emersyn joked with a smirk
"Oh well, can't court martial a guy for trying," Church mused with a shrug.
"I'm pretty sure they can, actually," Emersyn pointed out idly.
"Whatever. So, I guess this is the part where I start reporting?" he guessed.
"I would appreciate that since my own goddamn soldiers insist on letting you explain it," she snarked.
"I am almost dreading you meeting Tex, but I'm getting more curious with every word you say to see how you handle Tucker," Church mumbled mostly to himself before clearing his throat. "Long or short?"
"Short, summary, cliff notes, Captain," Emersyn requested drolly.
"Ooookay. Well, Captain, we got our asses invaded by a fuckton of shitplaced Romans through a portal, who proceeded to get their sword-wielding asses handed to them by the awesome badassness that is the twenty-sixth century," he explained bluntly as an eerie quiet spread over the command deck. "Oh, right, and there were Dragons."
"Dragons?" Emersyn repeated as the crew watched on in disbelief.
"And a couple giants. And at least one pig-man," Church answered factually.
"Right, got that," Emersyn acknowledged absently.
Church sighed in resignation. "Get it over with, I know what you want to ask."
"How high do I need to be for this report?" she asked with a head tilt.
"Huh, almost, but not quite what I expected," Church acknowledged as he glanced to the bridge window. "And we are above the atmosphere, so..."
"Well, you're certainly an asshole, Captain," Emersyn commented idly.
"Smart-asshole, thank you very much. And you, Captain, are acting way too calm for this...Wait, Are You Actually Fucking High?" Church accused, both in disbelief and strangely not.
"No, but I'm sure there's some still in my system," Emersyn admitted, rubbing a hand over her helmet. "Sorry, we were all celebrating, and since there's no casualties on your end and Zimmerman says you got the situation under control, well, nothing much can ruin the good mood around here, Captain Church," she explained with a weathered smile to her voice.
"Under the loosest, fuckward definitions of control," Church accepted before refocusing on the frigate's captain. "Well, given the general shitshow that is life in this day and age's regular-ass shitueled program, I'm genuinely sorry for shoving a dump onto your parade."
"...Thank you? I think?" Emersyn accepted uncertainly, looking towards some of her staff, who seemed to be as lost as she was. "Still, yes, that summary raises about...twenty question."
"You get five before I start calling it a waste of time," Church warned dryly.
"And you actually responded without cursing," Emersyn noted in amusement.
"Don't get use to that, Bitchella," Church retorted with a smirk.
"I'm sure that won't be a problem, Asston," Emersyn assured in kind. "So, is this portal thing still open?"
"Yeah, big fucking gateway with some kind of magic tunnel in it. No ones came through since we made them fuck off, but got dip for shit on ideas for what's on the other side," he explained with a shrug.
"Good, I suppose. So, you said dragons, I have to ask: Is magic a thing for them? Actually, let me rephrase: Was there anything we have to actually worry about?" she continued,paying particular attention to what he said and not how he said it.
"Umm...They had giants with mallets that could probably fuck up our shit, dragons are a bitch to shoot down for most, and...nope, nope, that's it. And I didn't see any wizard-suckage going on, but I really wouldn't be surprised," Church explained.
"If this army is a standard force in this presumable other world, do you believe there is much of a threat to worry about?" Emersyn inquired with a smirk.
"Well, we pulled it off, so not a damn bit if that's all we're seeing," Church answered with a shrug.
Emersyn rose an eyebrow on that somewhat self-deprecating statement. "What is your primary concern at this point, Captain?"
"That, Captain, would be the metric fuckton of survivors we took prisoner for information, and keeping them alive for now," Church answered bluntly.
"And what, Captain, is your primary desire in this situation?" Emersyn asked with a smirk.
"Considering these fuckers pretty much came to rape and pillage, Captain? I'd say a bit of asskicking is in order," Church answered with a shrug.
"Well, I think I know someone that could help you with that, Captain Church," Emersyn offered wryly.
"I'd very much appreciate that, Captain Dave," Church returned in the same. "Hate to get brushed off by the bureaushats. Out of curiosity, what's got you fuckeries in such a good mood anyway? You finally get shore leave or something?" Church inquired in only idle interest.
"HAHAHAHAAH!" Emersyn burst into the most unprofessional, non-military laugh possible as she held her gut before freezing at his still figure. "Ooooh, shiiiiit. You seriously don't know?" she asked in disbelief.
"Obviously not, Chucklefucks," Church answered dryly.
"Umm, how do- oh. Umm, just, look behind you, up there," Emersyn requested, pointing behind the simtrooper.
Church obliged her, look above the door leading in and out of the bridge. There was a party banner of all things up there, with five words plastered on it in huge letters:
HAPPY END OF THE WAR!
"...THIS IS HORSESHIT!"
Twenty Minutes Later
"You're telling me he threw his sniper rifle, it went off, ricocheted across the entire bridge, and the only thing damaged was his hand?" Velimir repeated in surprise.
"I don't know if that's good or bad luck. Reeeeally glad we didn't let him take that incendiary weapon up there, Captain," Zimmerman mused.
"And I would have been really glad to have been given some forewarning on this FUBAR of a situation, Corporal," Emersyn scowled sternly. "Or, you know, stop wasting time with letting every person we meet ask three questions about my name."
"Umm, I don't think this counts as FUBAR, Ma'am," Velimir pointed out warily.
"First Class, we have confirmation of dragons, pig-men, and magic gates. Several laws of science are FUBAR if nothing else," she refuted with a glare.
"True, but you're taking this a lot better than I thought, Captain," Zimmerman pointed out. "You're, um, with respect? Not still under the influence, right?"
"No, Corporal, I only had one joint, and that was almost five hours before this mess started," Emersyn refuted with a sigh. "Not that I wasn't questioning if I had taken more without remembering, given everything at the moment."
"So, why are you so...calm about this FUBAR?" Velimir questioned curiously.
"Vel, I have been running a ragtag crew from one covert operation to another, keeping certain events from ever seeing the eyes of the public for risk of a panic. In doing so, I have had to deal with everything from pulling resources out of thin air to delivering an alien-nuke to a secret research facility-"
"We did?" Velimir and Zimmerman asked in shocked confusion.
"-all while dealing with the little insanities of my crew, from the dead joke that is my name to Rubertan's Abridged Dub of all copies he could get of alien recordings. Not to mention Vigdisdottor," she continued to recount.
"Please don't," Velimir requested with a groan.
"All and all, it seems mild down there in the trenches when you don't see everything from up top," Emersyn explained dryly. "That said, spread the word that the next time someone pulls that joke I will make them dig a latrine."
"Umm, Captain? We have a space ship?" Zimmerman reminded slowly.
"And I will make the offender land on a planet just to dig a hole to shovel the crew's collective shit into," Emersyn elaborated coldly. "Clear?"
"Crystal," Velimir answered nervously before glancing down. "Soooo, does the hellscape of corpses not bother you then?" he asked, looking out over Blood Gulch.
"Oh no, it bothers me a lot," Emersyn answered with a shiver as she looked out on the near-literal lake of blood. "I knew the Freelancers were intense, but this?"
"How long are you going to pretend like we're not here?" Church called from behind him, sitting on Shelia's tread while Sarge worked about replacing his shot hand.
"And it wasn't just the freelancers!" Simmons pointed out indignantly.
"Yeah, we did most of the work!" Tucker agreed eagerly before switching to flirt mode. "And I'd love to work-"
"Please, you were out for most of the fight," Grif countered with a snort, leaning against the tank with his arms crossed.
"Dude, stop cock blocking me! And you know I was indisposed!" Tucker returned angrily.
"Yeah, Grif, have a little respect for the new parent," Donut insisted genuinely.
"That's a guy?...So this is what it feels like on this side of things," Emersyn murmured while staring at the pink trooper.
"What do you mean new par-?" Zimmerman asked in confusion, only for the universe- or just Blood Gulch-to answer him.
"Hey guys! Me and Junior are back from our walk! Hey, we got another new chick? Hot!"
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?" Velimer screamed as he and his corporal turned around with their guns raised in alarm.
"Hey, hey, hey! Boomsticks down, asswads!" Tucker demanded as he held up his own rifle.
"Private, put your weapon down! Or aim it at that thin-OW!" Zimmerman demanded until Church threw his now-detached hand at his head.
"Listen to the pervatron and leave our new mascot alone," Church instructed casually.
Emersyn took in a deep, deep breath as she soaked up the tense atmosphere. "Captain Church, is...whatever behind me going to eat me?" she asked blankly.
"Junior, no, we got him pretty well fed and under control. Sister is another can of worms...or bush of crabs, more likely," Church answered bluntly.
"Really?" Grif questioned rhetorically.
"Hey! I don't got no crabs! I even shaved it all off to make sure once! Got a rad tattoo while I had the time," Sister refuted proudly as Grif just put his visor in his palm and shook his head, earning him a pat on the back from Simmons.
"...I'm almost curious," Velimer admitted reluctantly.
"She's new here, for the record," Church added in casually. "Sarge, how long this going to be?"
"Don't rush me, ya Blue Varmint! This'll be done faster than you can eat a bird on turkey-day," Sarge remarked as he held up the new robot hand. "Now, are ya sure ya wouldn't fancy something else? A hook? A buzz-blade? A laser pointer?"
"As much as that would help with certain morons, hell no," Church answered blandly.
"I personally prefer having hands as well," Omega commented, appearing on Church's shoulder.
"Well shit, it's an AI," Velimer murmured, only vaguely surprised as they watched on.
"It's always nice to have the option to change weapon or, if you're feeling in the mood, crush their eyes into jelly with your own thumbs, hahaha-aaaaa!" Omega mused diabolically, his cackling fading into a yawn. "I love this feeling, bu not what it does to me."
"I hate you only get like that in my head," Church returned with an eye roll. "Head back over to Doc soon, I'm sure they could use your...insight."
"You love to spoil me, Boss," Omega chimed with another chuckle before vanishing.
"Did you know he was a cyborg?" Emersyn asked in a low tone to her two soldiers.
"Not a clue," Zimmerman confirmed. "Also had no clue AIs could be that sadistic...unless they're rampant, but that one seemed too...calm."
"More like sleepy. Since when do AIs yawn? Also, um, we just going to ignore the baby alien?" Velimer questioned warily.
"For now, yes," Emersyn affirmed before clearing her throat. "Would you mind show me to these prisoners of yours, Captain?"
The cobalt trooper tested the movement of his new hand before answering. "Well, I could use an update and I need to check up on the actual Freelancers, so sure, Captain," he agreed with a smirk.
"...Are they flirting?" Simmons whispered to Grif, Tucker, and Donut.
"Yeah, that's definitely flirting," Grif deadpanned, remembering several instances involving his Sister and...more people than he liked to think about.
"I...don't even think he knows he's doing it," Tucker informed the others in silent amazement.
"And her?" Simmons asked curiously.
"Hell if I know! I always think girls are flirting with me!" Tucker answered with a chuckle. "Tex is going to be pissssssed."
"Ohhh, Drama, love triangles! It's like a soap opera!" Donut gushed giddily.
"If The Gossip Choir Is Done Fucking Around!" Church called, making them all stiffen under the blue leader's glare. "Since most of us Blood Gulchers are here, I thought SHE should be the one to tell you this, since, you know, you'd never believe me, Sarge," Church explained, waving for Emersyn to take over.
The Frigate Captain stepped forward and squared her shoulders. "I know this may come as a shock to all of you, but I come bearing wonderful news that I have no idea how you are unaware of: Soldiers, the Great War is over!"
Church basked in the silence that followed, leaning back with his hands behind his head, fully welcoming the inevitable noise in this instant.
"ITS OVER! ITS OVER! I CAN GO HOME!"
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE'RE YELLING!"
"SOLDIER WELCOME HOME PUSSY, HERE I COME!"
"OH, CANSARNIT! ALREADY?! GRIF DIDN'T EVEN DIE!"
"I AM MOST ECSTATIC THAT MY REASON FOR BEING CONSTRUCTED IS GONE!"
"I WOULD JUST LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY, MY AGENT, AND-!"
"WAIT! WAIT!" Simmons yelled over everyone else as he jumped in front of the celebrating soldiers, drawing an uncomfortable amount of attention on himself.
"Is there a problem, Private?" Emersyn asked in confusion.
"Did one of them seriously say "already" to the war being over?" Velimir muttered to himself.
"Umm, that is, you see," Simmons stuttered under the female's attentions before settling for stealthy keeping his eyes on the corporal. "Which war, exactly?" he squeaked nervously.
Church face palmed at the new silence while the three new comers stared owlishly at Simmons. "Aww, Shit, right," Church recalled with a depressed sigh. "any chance both wars are over, Captain?"
"...What do you mean, both?" Zimmerman asked with an odd, almost dreadful feeling on his spine.
"Are humans and aliens still going at it or just the Red Army and Blue Army?" Tucker asked curiously.
"...Red and Blue?" Emersyn repeated slowly.
The silence that came was very, very tense. "Captain," Church started in a very, very low voice. "Where EXACTLY do you think you are?"
Emersyn Dave hesitated only for a moment before giving a cautious yet suspicious answer. "A training base...for Project Freelancer."
"Remind me again why your boyfriend has us on guard duty while the cavalry shows up?" York asked curiously.
"I'm going to assume he wants to keep them from meeting Caboose first, and he wants us to make sure said idiot doesn't screw up with the prisoners at the literal worst timing," Tex theorized with a shrug.
"Really? I just assumed the bloke didn't trust us and wanted you to put us in the figurative river when needed," Wyoming mused dryly.
"I'll just hide you in the rivers of blood. I'm sure I can dispose of the bodies before command finds out," Tex quipped in a manner that was both joking and serious.
"I'm not a Freelancer, soooo I'm not included in that, right?" Doc asked hopefully, looking up from where he knelt, tending to a prisoner that Caboose had...accidentally shot in the leg. "Right?"
Tex shrugged. "An extra body wouldn't make it any harder, and you know, two birds with one stone," she rationalized.
"But I'm not a bird! I'm more like a turtle you should pay no mind to," Doc tried to reason in hopes of staying off the body count. "Oh, I wish O'Malley was here."
"...Never say that again," the three freelancers said in sync, glaring at the medic.
"Geeze, you guys really don't know how to take a joke," Doc murmured as he stood up and squinted pass them. "Oh, look! They must be done talking!" he pointed out, literally, as he directed their attention behind them. There came the Blood Gulchers and three non-sim troopers, Church walking up to them with rifle in hand.
"Weird, why wouldn't they just radio us?" York noted in confusion.
"Probably Omega messing with the radios again," Wyoming decided as he watched them approach.
"Ummm," Doc spoke up, taking a step back as the group got closer. "Is it just me or does Church seem angry?"
"He's always angry," York retorted.
"Correct, but I am noting several signs of aggression and tension in their vital signs," Delta noted in calculated concern. "I would advise caution."
"Church! Oh, hey, Church!" Caboose called, waving around his mini-gun like it was made of paper as he ran over to the group.
The prisoners, still very afraid of these Titans of Metal, had largely resigned themselves to just standing or sitting as close to the wall as possible while attempting not to incur any more wrath upon themselves.
"Shh, Caboose! You're ruining the mood," Tucker informed with a whisper.
"But you always say that!" Caboose retorted with a pout.
"Church is mad, and not at us this time. Just go back to watching them and let him do his thing," Tucker instructed insistently.
"Oh. OH! Okay! Thank you for not being mad at me, Church! I'll let you do your cool superhero walk alone!" Caboose called as he hurried back to watching his new "friends".
"..." Church didn't say a word as he walked on, never even acknowledging the man-child this time.
"Oooookay, now he's really pissed," Tex noted calmly.
"Thrilling," Wyoming mused.
"Delta?" York asked in concern.
"Threat level low if the friendly fire protocol remains as it was before," Delta answered helpfully.
All the freelancers wisely stopped talking as the group stopped, but Church continued on, walking right up to a very, very nervous York.
"Church...?" Tex asked, trying to hide the concern behind curiosity.
"You, um, mind not touching the trigger, Captain Church?" York requested awkwardly.
"Sure thing, Agent New York," Church answered with a casual shrug as he took his hand off the back of the long-barreled gun, the tension letting up-
"BLOODY RAT-ARSED WANKER!"
Right until he spun around, using the rifle like a bat, slamming the butt into Wyoming's helmet and cracking the visor. The British-accented agent clutched his head as he glared up at the simtrooper, who took a deep breath of satisfaction. "I've wanted to do that for years now," Church mused, almost sounding happy. "Okay, Captain Shad, you're up."
And just like that it was gone.
"What the actual fuck is going on?" Tex demanded impatiently.
"I almost shat might myself there," York murmured in exasperation. He had considered taking aim at Church, buuuuut the group of angry armed-troops, sim or otherwise, told him that would probably be a bad idea.
"That's my fucking question, Agent Texas," Church retorted coldly, Tex recoiling slightly in surprise.
"Ooooh, he's pissed at you too?" Wyoming realized with growing dread. "Bloody hell, what's got you bunch all rattled?"
"Captain Shad?" Church repeated, glaring at the commanding officer of the ship in orbit.
"I'm not even going to dignify that nickname with a guess to its meaning," Emersyn commented dully before turning to the freelancers. "Agents of Freelancer, I am the Captain of the Yellow Death of the UNSC, and I come bearing news: The War is over," she answered bluntly.
"...Bollocks," Wyoming said with a sigh.
"Wait, isn't that good?" Doc asked curiously. "Why all the negativity guys?"
"Ya see Son, the thing is that someone forgot to inform the rest of humanity that there was a civil war roaring on," Sarge answered with a bitter voice.
"So we were hoping you could explain what, exactly, the nature of these Freelancer Training Bases are," Emersyn finished up.
Tex desperately wanted to rub her eyes in frustration as she felt Church's glare beating into her head, the accusation of "you knew" practically telepathed into her head.
And amongst all this, the Saderan soldiers stared on in awe as the Iron Lords appeared to have some sort of violent disagreement, the Spear Lord looking particularly upset with three of them, including the She of Death.
They had seen the horrors of these beings unleashed upon themselves, they could only imagine the devastation if they turned on one another.
End of Chapter
Okay, cue the drama. Hope this was worth the wait, but this IS were things get interesting as the web of lies Freelancer cooked up has finally hit a snag. Hope you all like Dave. Had fun making her up, lol. And Church actually hit Wyoming, eouch.
PS Again, if you guys are up for helping my pat-reon, I'd appreciate it. Just search there for my username there. Thank you all for reading.