A firm knock on apartment door 3A in Brooklyn is heard inside, early one summer morning. Ralph Kramden answers the door.
"Well hello officers, how may I assist you this morning?" He replies redundantly.
"We had a report from a neighbor that there is a disturbance here…. again." The officer reveals.
"Take him away boys, my mother is coming and they don't get along." Alice blurts out from another room.
"Where would you like us to take him Mrs. Kramden?" One of the officers ask wearily.
"How about the beach?" Alice cheerfully declares.
"I really do not think you want me down there Alice, all the pretty girls always crowd around me." Ralph states being smug.
"It is not because, they are crazy about you Ralph, It's because they want to sit in the shade."
"HA HA HO HO, you are SO funny, one of these day's Alice, POW! Right in the kisser!" Ralph say's bitterly.
New York's finest then proceed to place handcuffs on Ralph's wrist and read him his Miranda Rights. Puzzled, Ralph obeys accordingly only to see Alice approaching him with a bag of peanuts.
"What am I suppose with those?" He asked gasping.
"Eat them like any elephant would!" Alice answers sarcastically.
"All rise for the honorable Judge Frank Lee." Announces the bailiff.
Ed Norton enters the courtroom abruptly, bumbles his way through the room, as only he can. He sees Alice sitting by the States Attorney and waves to her in a silly manner. Alice ignores him. Norton then sees his buddy Ralph, who is sitting next to Ralph's public defender, and proceeds to relieve him of his duties of defending Ralph. Without hesitation or question, the public defender leaves without hesitation, no questions asked. Judge Lee is reserved for a moment, then states:
"All may be seated."
"Norton have you gone nuts?" Ralph looks at him in disbelief.
"Quite to the contraire Ralphie boy, I have a grand scheme to get you out of this." Norton expresses with a full toothed smile.
Judge Lee then announces:
"Case number OU812 The People of the State of New York vs. Ralph Kramden."
"Is the state prepared?"
"Yes your honor" replies the states attorney.
"Is the defense prepared"
"Why yes your highness." Says Norton.
The state then presents the information that Ralph T. Kramden threatened the victim, Alice C. Kramden, his wife, according to the police report by saying, "One of these days Alice, POW! Right in the kisser!"
"Your Honor, the State sees this as a threat of bodily harm from a three-hundred-pound aggressive man who is mentally abusing his so called, 'beloved wife' to keep her at his will by using nothing more than pure fear. We also are to conclude that this behavior will continue to worsen and will eventually lead to actual physical harm and inevitably death."
Norton rises to his feet abruptly, he adjusts his pants back and forth several times in his usual quirky manner, clears his throat and delivers a fire and brimstone rant that cannot be stopped. Norton points his finger at the Judge with conviction and proceeds to deliver the following rapture in a booming scream:
"You're out of order, you're out of order, the whole trial is out of order! That man (pointing to Ralph)."
Judge Lee pounds his gavel until it breaks apart, as he seeks order in the courtroom.
"That sick, crazy, depraved man raped and beat that woman there, and he would like to do it again, it's all a show isn't it Frank!? Just like let's make a deal. Wanna make a deal Frank? Yes let's make a deal Frank, how about 3 weeks probation?"
This is all that Norton could get in before he was tazered and dropped to the ground, flopping like a fish out of water overdramatically for several minutes. As foam slew from his mouth like a rabid dog, with all the might he could muster, pulled himself up onto the edge of the table Ralph was sitting with his legs like jelly still on the floor was able to utter, As he looked Ralph in the eyes.
"Avenge me my brother!"
He then dropped suddenly to the ground again, this time completely unconscious with his arms and legs outstretched in the air, as he lay flat on his back. Ralph then points at Judge Lee and speaks emphatically in a southern drawl:
"You sombitch, I'm gonna barbecue yo' ass in molasses. Nobody, I mean nobody makes me Ralph T. Kramden a mobile transportation technician look like a possums' pecker!"
With the courtroom muted with anticipation, Ralph then turns his attention to his lifelong dear friend Norton. With his eyes welled up with water he drags his hand down upon his face uttering,
As he sees Norton's lifeless carcass on the floor. Paramedics crash into the courtroom to attempt to resurrect Norton's lethargic empty shell into being once more. Ralph speaks with a Shakespearian tongue softly in Norton's ear,
"I shalt avenge thee my Grand Pubah. I meaneth, thy Grand Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo. Sombitcheth, I meaneth, Royal Order of the Raccoons."
The paramedics find all of Norton's vitals are fine, except a raised heart rate, which they deduce is because of a recent tazering. Alice overhears the paramedics and starts laughing hysterically. She tries to tell the medics that Norton is fine but her laughter won't allow her to get a word in.
"Nort, Norton, has thanosis." she laughs snorting.
Still snorting and trying to recover her breath,
"You sound like your mother with all that snorting!" Ralph replies.
Alice composes herself enough for another quick quip at Ralph.
"Well I didn't know I would have to marry the whole pig to get a teensy bit of sausage! Homina, homina, homina."
Alice continues her snort fest. Giggling is heard faintly in the audience as they witness the entertainment.
"Well wise cracker, what is thanosis?" Ralph asks Alice, tiring of her retort.
"It's also know as tonic mobility, Playing possum. His brain becomes overwhelmed and goes into a catatonic state, just like you in the bedroom Ralph!"
The gallery erupts from its tranquil state, to one of pure mayhem through an eruption of uncontainable laughter, jeering Ralph. People in the gallery try to stand, only to fall over each other, short of breath, snot flying from some noses, tears streaming from every single one of their faces, coming near to the point of laughing themselves to death. Ralph Stands fully erect, pumping his fist straight into the air, begins approaching the bench and exclaims in a sermon on the mount voice,
"I am the great one!"
Ralph is immediately tazered and hauled into custody with his friend Norton. While the boys are dragged from the room by their feet, the paramedics notice that three of the people are flat on their backs in the gallery, arms and legs straight up towards the ceiling, motionless. The medics look at each other and then back to the gallery. One of the medics speaks to the other in adamantly in disgust, emphasizing every word:
"Really! You must be freaking kidding me? What are the odds of having four possums in the same room on the same day? Especially on National Cheesecake Day! This is a nightmare! The Cheesecake Factory will be out by the time we get done with this mess! This is bull crap!" No explanation needed as to the paramedics' disappointment. The other medic concurs, his head down gently nodding.
While serving a short stint at Rikkers Island, the boys run into a bit of luck. Ralph and Norton start to awake to find themselves surrounded by many members of the Black Disciples prison gang. Ralph again can only utter,
Ralph then passes out again. Norton awakes to in-your-face, fierce questioning from the gang members who are not happy with the idea of the boys being in their cell block. Having nearly bitten his tongue off in many places from the several minutes of constant tazering, Norton is barely understandable. He babbles as quickly as he can, directing his best speech toward each one of them as they fire their questions one after another at him. Suddenly there is an abrupt pause after Norton babbles something that the gang thinks they recognize. The members slowly back off in a puzzled manner, talk amongst themselves for a moment, then turn back toward him. Norton's face is now full of fear; he is wrought with feelings of impending doom. The leader of the gang known as Chiclets is slowly leaning down toward him. He is a beastly, loathsome man, with oversized facial features, especially his thick, oily, porous, excessive overabundance of skin that wrinkled from overlapping itself. Norton could barely see the mans squinted yellow eyes. Chiclets leans over Norton, extends his hand then helps pull him to his feet. Chiclets then smiles from ear to ear with all three teeth in his head shining brightly below his upper lip. Two silver teeth, with a gold tooth twice as long and three times as wide as the others. Norton thought to himself that the man looked like one of his neighbors Sharpeis' with beaver teeth. Norton knew not to laugh as for some reason it seems he may have escaped an early demise. Chiclets spoke,
"You must be big Ed, and that's your protector, little Sally?"
Norton nodded yes. Chiclets put his arm around him and stated,
"We have been waiting for you."
Nothing else was ever said to the boys about anything why the gang didn't pummel them. They never asked about it either.
The boys were made honorary members of the gang and were given doo rags to wear upon their foreheads which told all prisoners to steer clear of them. In the doo rags was information for other gang members on the outside once the boys were released. The boys had it made. Prison was easy for them, until, one fine day around four in the morning when Ralph needed to do his morning constitution. Locked in the cell, the sound of torpedoes blowing up into the hull of a ship upon the ocean was heard in the whole joint, coming from the commode that Ralph had enthralled. Norton's torso lifted off the bunk, his eyes bugged, screaming in horror,
"Oh Jesus help me! What is this? Take me now Lord! Its in the air, I can taste it."
He then leaped into the wall, now eyes burning from the putrid, stench of Ralph's lower intestine trying to get his body through the bars without disregard of pain or the unrealistic assumption that he could get through. All that could be seen from down the hall outside of the boys cell was Norton's lips gasping for a remnant of fresh air. Then plop, down he goes flat on his back, arms and legs locked straight up. Yep, he went into possum mode.
I wish I could tell you that Norton fought the good fight, and Ralph's morning constitution would eventually cease and let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairy-tale world. This went on for a while. It consists of routine and more routine, unfortunately for Norton. He would be seen in the cafeteria with fresh bumps and bruises once in a while. Then one day he was allowed to go to the gym before Ralph peeled the paint off the walls. Norton enjoyed his gym time very much. Ralph was having a serious reaction to prison food, which he was told not to eat it then. They gave him no choice.
Many moons past until they are incarcerated no more. Alice and Trixie had been told of the atrocities that can occur in prison, which becomes routine, and more routine. The boys had survived prison! The girls were waiting for the boys outside the prison gates, sporting their Sunday best. They were looking fantastic with picnic baskets full of the boys' favorite eats and refreshments. The prison gates open. Ralph and his Homie, Big Ed come strutting out like drunk peacocks heavy to one side, with doo rags wrapped around their bald heads, white short sleeve t-shirts, and blue jeans. Their faces show the confidence and cockiness of a hundred men. Ralph had lost a hundred pounds. Norton was super buff. The girls look at each other in disbelief, shrug their shoulders, smile, and turn to gaze at their men in a dreamlike state. Trixie is flush with anticipation of thoughts later that evening. Alice has noticed Ralphs weight loss, which has her reminiscing of the glory days of their courting. The girls in unison lick their lips seductively as they wait to literally be swept off their feet by their stud muffins. Trixie noticed Ralphs weight loss and asks him,
"Ralph have you lost weight?"
"Why yes I have Trixie, about a hundred pounds actually." He says proudly.
"Who did you drop it on?" Replied Norton with a grin.
Ralph has a scowl that none of them had ever seen before. He extends his fingers around the nape of Norton's neck slowly, then with his large arm span moves to grasp Norton around the shoulder with one arm and the girls with the other, squeezed them all tightly with love and exclaims with bliss:
"How sweet it is!"