Where I Belong
**A Lusam one shot. I may be persuaded to add to this if anyone is interested**
July 1, 2013 – The Docks
He had barely been back in Port Charles a full twenty minutes when he saw her. It was a quarter after one a.m. and there she was, standing at the end of the pier, looking out over the water. Her shoulders were slumped, her dark hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail and she was wearing a leather jacket several sizes too big… He'd honestly know her anywhere.
Still, he thought about turning around and pretending he had never been there at all. She was obviously upset and she'd come out here to be alone, he figured – same as him. But then she looked up and spotted him through the darkness. His name sounded hushed coming off of her plump lips – "Lucky."
"Sam… hi," he said almost as quietly.
"Hey," she said with a weak, watery smile. "When did you get back to town?"
"About twenty-five minutes ago." He instinctively moved towards her, coming to a stop about seven feet away from her. He turned to face the water, his feet aligned with hers on the hard planks. "What are you doing out here so late?"
"I needed some air," Sam said.
"Me too," he admitted. He rocked back and forth on his heels, for a minute not knowing what to say. Then, "Uh, I heard about Jason."
She seemed to disappear into the giant coat. Jason's coat, he realized, an irrational feeling of envy burbling up in him. He tried to force it away as she said, "That's old news by now."
"It probably doesn't feel like it to you though," Lucky said over the hard lump in his throat.
"You're right. It feels like just yesterday that he disappeared, you know, but that's not true. It's been months…" She dashed discreetly at a tear. "I know he's not coming back though so I need to get over it sometime. Our son needs me to be there for him, to be a whole person."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry, that you're suffering this way and obviously missing your husband so much."
"T-thanks," Sam stammered. "Mostly I worry about our son, Danny. He's never going to know his father; just like I never did." She sighed. "Sorry I'm dumping this all over you. I know you and Jason weren't the best of friends."
"You loved him," Lucky said. "That's enough of a reason for me not to stand here and say bad stuff about him."
Sam turned her misty-eyed gaze on him. "How did you –" She hesitated a moment before continuing. "I mean, Siobhan. She was your wife. How are you coping with her being gone?"
"Our situations, Sam, they were and are very different. I never loved her the way she did me. So I carry around that guilt, knowing she gave up her life in every way for me, for someone who couldn't love her the way that she deserved."
"She made you happy for a while though, Lucky. I saw you light up around her."
"She was a breath of fresh air, but I still wish I could have loved her with the same intensity she did me."
"I feel guilty too," Sam admitted.
"About … Well, I blame Jason sometimes. I know it's so stupid and petty but I blame him for not keeping his promise to come home to Danny and me. And I know that he couldn't help it so that really makes me feel like such a bitch."
"You're allowed to be angry, Sam; you're allowed to hurt and to grieve."
"That's what everyone keeps telling me… Anyway, uh, I should go. It's late."
Lucky nodded. "Should I walk you home?"
"No, thanks. I have my car." She then offered him a weak, nervous smile and shuffled off.
"That was surreal," Lucky murmured when she was gone. And it was. They hadn't said two words to each other in years and years and here they were, meeting on a moonlight dock and sharing their feelings… And it felt like kismet…
July 4, 2013 – The Docks
"Great fireworks display this year," Lucky called out as he came down the steps. In the distance, bright, bursts of burning lights ignited the sky and exploded with a pop into the air.
He hadn't expected Sam to be here again but it felt right somehow; more than right. When she looked at him, he felt a little like a limp noodle and had to force himself forward.
"Lucky … hi," she called back, in a voice just barely loud enough to be heard over the loud roar of the fireworks.
"Sorry to intrude on your thinking time … again."
"It's alright," Sam said. "No one should miss a display like this." Her dark eyes turned towards the sky. "It's beautiful."
"It is," he agreed but he wasn't looking at the sky anymore. However, she didn't seem to notice and he was glad for it. No reason for him to look more pathetic in her eyes than he assumed he already did.
"I didn't see you at the town picnic today," Lucky said, scuffing the soles of his shoes against the wood beneath his feet.
"Yeah, I wasn't there. But Alexis took my son Danny with her."
"I saw him. Sam…he's really a neat kid. So friendly."
"Yeah, that scares me too," Sam said. "I worry that he's going to be friendly to the wrong person one day, you know. I already had him taken from me twice." She rocked back on her heels. "I feel like the worst mother in the world and Jason's not here to make sure I'm doing everything right."
"Really? Because Alexis was gushing over what an awesome mom you are and how much Danny loves you."
Sam looked at him. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. And your charge Rafe had only nice things to say about you too."
"You met my guys?"
"Yeah I did. You are doing right by them, Sam; don't forget that."
"It's not easy."
"No it's not." He hooked his thumbs in the pocket of his denim jeans. "Why didn't you go the picnic anyway?"
"To hear my Mom tell it, I'm isolating, but honestly I just didn't feel up to it. The last major event I went to was the Nurse's Ball and I had a great time but it made me feel so guilty – for having fun when Jason can't." She chuckled humorlessly. "Not that he exactly would have had fun at a party like that because it's not his scene, but he would have been there for Robin, for the cause, and for me because I would have begged him to come."
"You can't feel guilty for living, Sam, for trying to survive the best way you know how to."
"You should take your own advice. You mentioned before that you feel guilty where Siobhan is concerned."
Lucky sighed. "Using my words against me?" He offered her a little smile. "But you're right. I don't know …Maybe it's time we stop punishing ourselves."
"I'll try if you do."
"I'll give it a go."
July 14, 2013 – The Docks
They sat on a bench together, watching the stars. They hadn't said much to each other thus far but Lucky could tell there was something pressing that she wanted to ask him.
"What is it?" He finally asked.
She turned to look at him. "I don't know. I was just wondering why you decided to come back now."
Lucky shrugged. "I realized I had to stop running from it all sometime…Plus, I missed my boys more than words can say. I was so wrong to walk out on them the way I did. There's really no excuse for what I did."
"You were hurting; you were in a dark place."
"Yeah but that's not what a real father does. I messed up royally, Sam. If they never forgive me for abandoning them, I won't blame them a bit."
"I bet they aren't angry with you."
"Cam says he's not but you know he's a kid; when your dad walks out on you, you of course wonder why. As for Aiden, he doesn't really remember me from before so of course I have to hope we can build something new and hopefully lasting. I was really selfish."
"No more punishing yourself, remember?"
"This is different though. I punished my kids because I was upset. They didn't deserve that – me walking out on them."
"They didn't, that's true, but you're back now. I think you're incredibly brave for coming back and facing your demons. I am not sure I could do that."
"Sure you could, Sam. You never ran like I did."
"I wanted to. God knows I wanted to so many times."
"You're strong, Sam," he said in a quietly admiring voice. "Stronger than any woman I've ever met actually. You've been through hell –"
"Usually of my own making."
"Hey, no punishing yourself, remember?"
"I need to tattoo that motto on my hand or something."
"Me too… But I mean it, Sam, the things you've endured … You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for… You're pretty much a hero in my eyes."
"An Everyday Hero?" Sam asked. "God I don't even want to think of that shitty show."
"Don't blame you," Lucky said. "That was a shitty time in both of our lives."
"Yes, yes it was. But I remember the only person who could cut through that thick haze of hurt and anger was you and I swear I'll never forget it or stop being appreciative. You gave me the gift of a second chance, and it's priceless."
Lucky watched her eyes take on a glassy sheen and he knew she was tearing up. "Its mutual, Sam. No one believed in me, but for some reason, you did. I am the appreciative one."
"You're an amazing friend, Lucky Spencer."
Lucky smiled. He realized in that moment that he wanted more than to just be her friend; he wanted it all with Sam – what he had stupidly tossed away that day so long ago in their hot tub. But "friend" was what he got for now and he was grateful. So grateful just to have Sam in his life again.
July 26, 2013 – The Docks
"We have to stop meeting like this," he said as he moved down the stairs and found her sitting on a bench, looking out over the water as usual. The moonlight danced on her delicate features as she turned to look at him. "Wow, that was almost a real smile."
Sam tucked a strand of loose black hair behind her ear. "This is the fourth time this month that you've come here when I'm here."
"I'm not stalking you…"
"I know," Sam said. "It's just the water seems inviting sometimes. Like I could get on a boat and sail away like I used to."
"Are you going to do that?" Lucky asked, his stomach feeling a bit topsy-turvy at the thought.
"No, not yet anyway. Danny's probably still too small for a life jacket."
"Your family and friends are here. They would all miss you."
Sam shifted on the bench uncomfortably. "I am not sure that's true actually."
Lucky moved closer to her. "Mind if I sit?"
"No," she said. She watched him slide in beside her. Their thighs briefly brushed and they both jumped a bit. They tried to play it off though by turning away briefly from the other. Lucky's fingers scraped the wooden seat in anxiousness.
He finally turned back to face her. Her eyes were intense and sad, as always. "Why do you think people wouldn't miss you?"
"It's just a feeling. Really, I mean, most of my connections to the people in this town I came by through Jason and now he's gone …"
"And you think all those connections have just severed?"
"That's not true. There are a lot of people who care about you, for you."
Sam sighed. "Maybe that's true but my Mom and I are also butting heads again."
"Parents and kids do that. Look at me and Luke. After all these years, we are usually at opposite ends of almost every issue."
"I think Alexis wants me to move on – from Jason."
"Ohhh… Well, does she have someone in mind, like, in particular?" Lucky was grateful for the shield of the darkness that hid the color rising in his face.
"Yeah. Dr. Silas Clay."
Lucky nodded mutely, knowing if he spoke at this moment that he would say entirely the wrong thing.
"He's abrasive and he's rude but he takes good care of Danny and is a good uncle to Rafe, so Mom seems to think it's a true love match."
"And you don't?" Lucky asked, finally finding his voice. It sounded strained to his own ears but Sam didn't seem to notice it.
"No. Not at all. I know Jason is not coming back. I'm no longer in complete denial about that but Silas …He is totally not for me. My mom wants me to be happy but she is pushing this too hard and it made me so upset that I lashed out at her and said some really stupid, hurtful things that I am not sure I can take back."
"You said your mom wants you to be happy, Sam, and that's because she loves you. So of course she's going to forgive you. I bet she already has."
"I hope so, Lucky. I just don't want to disappoint her but I could never be with someone like Silas. He's cold, he's distant and frankly thinks way too much of himself. When and if I'm ready to move on again, I want –" She broke off.
"What do you want?"
"I want him to be someone who's incredibly easy to talk to, someone who's a friend… Someone uh, like you."
Lucky's heart took to hammering in his chest. He had never expected her to say that and he second-guessed the hell out of what he was about to do but he also couldn't resist. He leaned over and pressed his hand to her face, drawing back her silky hair and tucking it behind her ear. He then pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, gauging her reaction. She turned to face him, her eyes shining brightly in the darkness. She moved in to meet his lips and they kissed.
Lucky felt immediately that he was coming home. Her lips were impossibly full and soft and she tasted better than he remembered. "Sam," he murmured against her lips and felt her smile into his kiss.
They pulled back though he knew he didn't want to and hoped she didn't either. 'Wow…" Sam murmured, touching her puffy lips.
"I shouldn't have done that, Sam. You still love Jason. I –" He broke off as she was suddenly kissing him then. He locked his hands onto her slim hips and guided her closer. She burrowed up against his chest and kissed his jaw.
"I will always love, Jason," she said, when they pulled apart again. "But I feel so close to you right now… You're such a good man. These past few nights where we've just sat talking reminded me of how much you helped heal my heart before and how amazing you've always been to me."
Lucky stroked her cheek. "I hurt you –"
"And I hurt you. But maybe forgiveness is real because I'm not angry anymore. I'm really not."
Lucky nodded. "I am so glad you're back in my life, Sam."
"Ditto," Sam said and curled into his embrace. Nothing else was said as they watched the stars together for the rest of the night.