Warning for: political humor/ satire, Trump bashing, (seriously, Trump supporters and Republicans aren't going to be fans of this), political incorrectness, gross sex, major crack, and all around being offensive and terrible. Really. Please do not read if this is going to offend you. READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL because I warned you, okay.
Oh, and happy Fourth of July everyone :3
Our balls touched.
I was so close! All I needed was another stroke or two … I was almost there …
But Obama switched it up on me! He was 6 and I was 9, if you know what I mean.
"You're better at this than I thought," said Obama, briefly pausing to wipe sweat from his brow. He was even closer than me. "I'm almost there ..."
"Me too ..." I said. I was happy I didn't choke like another time I'd done this!
When Obama's fingers slipped inside that hole, I lost it.
The game, I mean. "Damn!" I said. "I didn't think you'd sink that shot in just one more putt! Ugh, you won by three points ..."
We were playing golf. Haha, you thought we were doing something perverted, didn't you? Well, calm down, the story just started, jeez.
Obama stood back up from retrieving his ball from the hole. "Well, I think you helped me a little when your ball tapped mine. It knocked it a little closer to the hole."
"Yeah, I didn't mean to do that! GRRR!"
See, this is why I don't play golf very much. I prefer more manly games like football. If you're losing at that sport you can just deflate your balls and cheat and win. Tom Brady knows what's up.
Instead, I was just left with metaphorically deflated balls. From losing :(
"I HATE GOLF!" I exclaimed as I threw one of my golf clubs in ANGER. What the hell! It went farther than most of my balls did during the game! It landed in a tree. But not a Giving Tree like in that book. It must have been a Taking Tree because it kept my club.
"Aw, don't be a poor sport," said Obama. "It was a really close game. Now come on, let's go back to the clubhouse. I'll buy you a beer."
"Will you buy me AMERICA?" For those of you who don't know, Budweiser renamed their beer 'America' for this summer. Why? Well, I dunno really but I think it's pretty hilarious because I get to make all kinds of jokes about people drinking me and putting their lips to me and loving my taste and enjoying me to the last drop ;)
"I think they only have Samuel Adams," he said.
"I met him a couple of times. He's actually kind of a douche in person."
We started to head back to the golf cart, but then Obama stopped me. "Oh, you better go get that golf club. It's owned by the course. If you don't, they're gonna charge you for it."
"Eh, who cares."
"I do! Do you know how much national debt we have? The people will blame ME for it too!"
"Hahaha, yeah they will."
So I went to go find that golf club. I walked up to the tree I thought it was in, but I didn't see it! So I went deeper into the forest that abutted the golf course. Lol abut.
I saw lots of trees, but no club! Suddenly I got scared because what if there are trees that eat golf clubs like munch munch munch, just like there are trees that eat kites like munch munch munch? I learned that from Charlie Brown. He's a good man.
"Wha-!" I startled. "Who said that? ! I thought I was alone ..."
"More like … a loan."
"Huh?" I was confused because that was a visual pun and I was not privy to the spelling difference like you lucky boys and girls. I turned around and saw an orange man, but it was not the Crispy M&M, much to my disappoint.
It was Donald Trump! :O
He was wearing a suit, a red white and blue tie, a red baseball cap that said, 'Make America Great Again,' and a major sunglasses tan.
"Do you get the joke, America?" he asked me. "It is a play on words, referring to your national debt, which is out of control, believe me. I paid some Jews a lot of money to write that joke for me. I can do that because I am very rich."
I wish I could afford to pay some Jews to write my jokes for me. I mean I just made an abut/a butt joke. Not exactly high brow humor there ...
"What … what the heck are you doing here in the middle of the forest?" I asked, very confused.
"I own this forest," said Trump. "It's part of the golf course. I also own this golf course. I own lots of golf courses. I have a lot of money, America, believe me. It's great."
"Umm … okay," I said. "Good for you. I'm just looking for my lost golf club. Have you seen it?"
"No. What are you doing golfing with Owe-bama anyway?" asked Trump. "He's such a terrible president. He's been so bad for you, it's terrible, awful. Not good, I mean come on."
I'd seen Trump a lot on the news, but this was the first time we'd met in person. I did read his famous book 'The Art of the Deal' though. Well, most of it. But just like many of Trump's failed business ventures, I stopped at Chapter 11. LOL GET IT? CHAPTER 11? Like Chapter 11 bankruptcy? This joke was brought to you by Hillary Clinton … I shit you not, she told that joke at a rally. I'm sure she paid some Jew to write it for her too though.
"I would treat you so much better," said Trump. He pointed to his hat. "See? I'll make you great again. It'll be amazing, like so good, you'll be great, trust me. Okay?"
I put my hands on my hips. I think I'm ALREADY great! Hmmph! "And how do you plan on doing that exactly?"
"Well, first of all, we need to build the wall. And make Mexico pay for it, okay."
A wall? Yeah, sure because that worked out so well on The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones and Attack on Titan …
"And we need to ban Muslims from entering this country," continued Trump. "At least until we figure out what the hell is going on. What the hell is going on? Who knows? I sure don't. That's why people need to vote for me for president, believe me. We don't need another 7-11. I'm going to take this country back."
Wait did he say he wants to take me? :I
"I'll do right by you, America." Trump looked at me … seductively? D: "I'll stimulate your economy so much, you won't know what hit you, believe me. You want that, right? Imagine not having anymore debt. Imagine having more jobs. Imagine loser poor people being cut off from basic services. You know you want it, I mean come on ..."
I sighed. "Honestly, I don't know what I want … I'm torn … though I do feel like I want some kind of change ..."
"But not 'Hope and Change' right? You see how that worked out. Like, so not good that like, it was bad. I still think Obama was born in Kenya. I mean come on. There's no way he was born in America." Then Trump licked his lips and winked one of his beady eyes at me. "Though I'd like to be IN America. If you know what I mean. Trust me."
"Wait, what? !" I took a nervous step back. "Are you like … hitting on me? I thought you were homophobic?"
"It's not gay to love your country," said Trump, stepping closer. "And I love you, America. Like so much. You wouldn't believe it, believe me. I'm not gay, I mean I married a woman. A beautiful woman. Then two other beautiful women. I just love my country, like a lot. How could I not? It's the best country in the world, I mean come on."
I blushed. "Aww … really?" o/o
Trump was getting really close to me now. So close I could smell the Trump Steaks on his breath. "Of course. You're like, amazing. America the beautiful. You deserve someone as great and as rich as me. You're so great, okay."
"Aww … thanks ..." :3 I liked being called beautiful …
"I know a lot of loo-zas say that, but I really mean it, trust me. You're almost as beautiful as Ivanka. You seen her? She's smokin' hot, believe me."
"Uh … isn't that your daughter-"
Suddenly Trump leaned in and his lips were on mine! I knew I should have pulled away, but something didn't allow me to. I surprised even myself when I found myself kissing him back. What had gotten into me? ! It was Trump's tongue actually. He slipped it in and I felt it start to explore my mouth. His mouth tasted like New York pizza that he ate with a fork which is the wrong way to do it, as real New Yorkers know.
Anyway. Soon he was laying me down on the forest floor. Our hands were all over each other, groping everywhere, making out hardcore, scaring away all the cute forest animals. A few states away, Lindsey Graham wept.
"I'm gonna take my country back," said Trump from above me, breaking our kiss.
"Yeah, take me," I said to him.
What attracted me to Trump? I wasn't even sure myself. But he was different. He speaks his mind. He tells it like it is. And what he tells me is that he is very rich.
Trump gave me a look that sent shivers down my spine. And … lower places too. I guess you could say Florida. I had a serious hanging chad going on if you know what I mean …
"You want me, America," said Trump. "You want me as president, okay. You want me to be in control of you. I see it in your eyes." Trump's own eyes traveled lower. To where you could see a bulge growing in my pants. "I see it in your … wherever."
"Please ..." I begged Trump, beneath him. "Touch my … wherever ..."
My pants went down faster than Trump's casino in Atlantic City that went bankrupt.
Trump saw me in just my ugly argyle golf shirt and my tighty whiteys. "You really are beautiful, America," he said. "I mean, look at you. Best country on the planet, I mean come on." Then he slipped a twenty into my underwear.
"The hell?" D: I looked down to the Harriet Tubman sticking out of my undies. Well, it's not a Harriet Tubman yet, but it will be in a few years! Yeah, they're putting her on the 20 dollar bill. Sorry, Hamilton. At least we gave you a play though. I already got tickets! I can't wait to see it three years from now. "Why'd you put a twenty in my underwear? I'm not a stripper!"
"Oops, sorry, force of habit," said Trump, taking back the money. "I'm used to treating women like objects. That's my mistake. You're not a woman."
"Can I keep the money though- ah ..." I trailed off as Trump slid down my underwear. The boner I had for him, almost as big as the boner Fox News and Chris Christie have for him, flopped out and into view.
Trump stared at it. "I just wanna drink this in," he said. "Like how I drink Trump Wine. Yeah, I own my own wine. I own my own wineries. I have a lot of money, believe me." Then Trump reached in his pocket and pulled out a small bottle of something. But it was not Trump Wine.
"What is that?" I asked, flushed red with excitement and sexiness.
"Trump Lube, okay," he said. "It's the best lube, trust me, the best."
I spread my legs for him. "Be gentle," I pleaded.
"Trust me, this'll be amazing, you'll love it, okay."
"Mmm ..." I'd let my eyes flutter shut. I was still on my back, legs spread, eagerly awaiting what he promised. But much like the students who were also promised great things at Trump University, he did not deliver. "Umm …" I started nervously, "... you can start now … I'm ready ..."
I opened my eyes and looked down. Trump was crouched between my legs, two fingers deep inside my rectum. I saw them, slick with Trump Lube, move in and out of my asshole. I saw it but I did not feel it. As I watched I realized that Trump's fingers, like his whole hands, were TINY. So tiny I didn't even feel them as they slid in and out of me!
"Do three fingers," I begged. I wanted to feel this! About half my country wants Trump according to polls. I guess it is my lower half!
"You love my fingers, they're great, right?" said Trump. "And Li'l Marco was making fun of them. That loo-za is wrong. My fingers are the best, okay. I dare you to find better fingers. I have long, beautiful fingers, believe me."
I wanted to believe. But I still couldn't feel much. Those fingers were just too small. It was like being fingered by a small child, but without the risk of Chris Hansen showing up. "More …" I begged, squirming beneath him, desperate to feel something. "Use your whole fist … ah ..."
"Look at this, you love this. I told you I was a good lover. I'm the best. So good, okay."
I watched Trump's baby hand, balled into a fist, push inside me. My ass easily swallowed it up. He was wrist deep inside. But his hand was so small, I could only feel a little pressure. Picture someone taking a lollipop .. like a small one like a Dum-Dum. That's what it was like.
I wriggled in desperation. I needed more than this! I needed to feel something! "Please, Trump," I pleaded sexfully, "Fuck me. Fuck me over like you did to your campaign manager just because your poll numbers dipped because of things beyond his control!"
"I'm gonna fuck you so good, America," said Trump. "I planned on fucking America over from the beginning. And you're begging for it too. This is great, I love it." Trump began removing his belt.
I watched with lustful eyes, like how Trump does to the women in the Miss USA pageant even though they're young enough to be his granddaughters. "Please ..." I panted, all hot and bothered, "Leave the hat on ..."
"It's a great hat. It's the best." Trump slid down his pants. "You're gonna love my penis, it's great, believe me."
I licked my lips in anticipation. "I'll be the judge of that ..." I said coyly.
"That's fine, you can be the judge, because you're white and American. I just don't like Mexican judges, okay. They can't do their job if they're Mexican, they're all bias, I mean come on ..."
"Mmm, I like it when you talk dirty to me ..." (Saxophone riff.)
Trump dropped his drawers, and my eyes eagerly looked to the orange organ I couldn't wait to have in me and … oh :(
It was tiny …
"Uhh ..." I squinted, adjusting my glasses. "Is that it? Where is the rest of it?"
"That's it," said Trump. "It's a great penis. You're gonna love it, believe me."
Trump's baby penis matched his baby hands. It was small and sad looking. He had weird, wrinkly, asymmetrical balls too. They were covered in wispy, blond-ish and gray pubic hair that strangely DID match the drapes, if you know what I mean. Trump has been the butt of many a joke about his hair … if only they knew about how ugly his hair was down THERE too … :/
I should have got up and left, like Trump did to his first two wives when he wanted a hotter, younger model. But for some reason, I stayed.
"Are you sure?" I said, sounding hesitant. "It's … not very big..." It's almost as if building all those gigantic towers was like he was compensating for something ...
"Yeah, don't listen to Li'l Marco," said Trump, crawling back between my legs. "He made a joke about me having a small penis. But believe me, there's no problem. I guarantee it."
That's all I needed to hear :) Why was I lapping every word of his up? Like how Marco laps up water like he's drying up in the friggin' Sahara desert. Haha, seriously, I think that guy has a problem …
My body was ready. "Unlike a large percentage of the Republican party … I want you inside me," I said hornily.
"I already am, okay."
I looked between my legs and sure enough, his baby cock was inside my ass. Well who knew! I didn't.
I watched him thrust in and out of me. I had to watch or I wouldn't even know it was happening. His 70 year old dick disappeared and reappeared, easily eaten up by my not very stretched asshole. Yeah, Trump is 70. And you thought Bernie Sanders was old …
It wasn't enough! I wanted to feel more! I wanted my asshole stretched! I wanted my prostate punished! Like how Trump said he wanted to punish women who get abortions. But like women's health under Republicans' watch, I went sorely neglected.
But I didn't want to offend Trump. I'm not Megyn Kelly. So I decided to humor him.
"Ohhh, Trump," I forced myself to moan. "This feels … so good … mmm … " It didn't really. But I tried to convince myself otherwise. Because what were my other choices? Lyin' Ted, Crazy Bernie, or Crooked Clinton? Hey, isn't it cute how Trump comes up with nicknames for people? I hope he does me next. How about Sexy America? ;)
"I told you," said Trump, panting along with his thrusts. "I knew you'd love Donald Trump's penis. Donald Trump's penis is the best, okay."
Talking about yourself in third person during sex is jarring. First person only please! You know that's true. Wait shit did I just use SECOND person? Oop-
So there we were. In a group of trees on a golf course, on the ground, Trump above me, having his way with me, fucking me in broad daylight as squirrels and birds and probably Google Earth drones looked on. I wonder what Obama would think if he knew what I was doing? Oh well, he's a lame duck, who cares.
Back to lame dick.
Trump's penis was still plunging in and out of my asshole. It was like a Cheeto, small and orange and wrinkly and being eaten, but by my ass and not my mouth.
"Ohhh, America," Trump moaned. "You feel so good, it's great. So amazing. Believe me."
"You too!" I faked some sexy sounds. "You're the best lover I've ever had!" Not true, of course. Best lover I ever had for real? Hmm. JFK could make me cum over and over. He really assassinated my ass, haha! And James Polk was always up for a good poke. But the best had to be Taft. Yeah, he was a fatass. But he was thick in other places too if you know what I mean ;)
Trump's wrinkly old balls slapped against my ass. "I … I can't last much longer ..." he panted.
"What, your campaign? !" I exclaimed :O
"No," he said. "My penis erection. It's great. But it's about … to blow, trust me ..."
Moments later, I felt a heat burst inside me! It was anti-establishment jizz. "Ohhhh Ivanka—I mean America, ohhh ..." he moaned as he came.
"What did you say-"
He trembled above me as he finished emptying his load inside my disappointed rectum. When he was done, he pulled out, and he was so small I couldn't even tell if he was still hard or already flaccid. Despite his small dick he did cum a pretty big load though. I looked between my legs and saw a little dribbled out of my asshole, starting down my thighs.
I sighed. Well, that was it. What a letdown. I guess politicians really do just promise things they can't deliver. They just say whatever they think you wanna hear. They come, fuck you over, and leave you to clean up their mess. Though do you guys think Bernie has a nice cock? Assuming he can even still get it up …
"Ah!" I whimpered. Trump had suddenly grabbed my cock with his baby hand. He started to pump it.
"I told you I was gonna make jobs," said Trump. "Did you believe me? I told you to believe me. I do a good handjob. An amazing handjob, okay."
I watched his tiny fingers slide up and down my hard, aching cock. I loved the site of that. It was really turning me on. Because his hands were so small that it made my dick look HUGE by comparison. It was giving me a huge ego boost and was really hot …
"Y-yeah you do," I barely managed to say. I wasn't even lying then. I was really enjoying this.
"And when I'm president, you're gonna have so many more jobs, it'll be great. Handjobs, blowjobs, rimjobs, all kinds of jobs. And they'll be done by real Americans, okay. Not illegals, I mean come on. It'll be amazing. Like, it'll be so good, it'll make your head spin."
My head was already spinning. I was getting close to coming …
"Oh God ..." I whined, wriggling in his hand. "This is so friggin' hot, unf ..."
"You're gonna love when I'm president, America," said Trump, still jerking me off. "I'll make you great again. I'll make you cum again. I'll make you cum again and again. Believe me."
I did! I believed! :'D
And my faith did not go unrewarded! I cried out in pleasure. "OooHHhhh Trump!" I moaned as I came so hard. It was one of the most intense orgasms I'd ever had. It just kept coming and coming. It felt like I was cumming buckets. I moaned the whole way through until the wave of pleasure finally crashed, and I collapsed back on the ground, feeling spent.
Trump stood up and dusted off his hands. "Remember this in November, America," he said, kinda ominously. "Hillary sure isn't gonna do something like this for you, believe me."
I felt so dirty. And not just because I got grass and jizz stains on my golf outfit. I laid there reeling as I heard him walk off. He was leaving so soon?
"Wait!" I called after him, suddenly sitting up.
He stopped. "What?"
"I'm never wrong, okay?"
"Actually ..." I flashed a grin and a heroic thumbs up. "... Hillary's been pegging me and Bill's asses since the 90's!" ;)
Trump looked horrified, now knowing where my ass had been before he was in it. "WHAT-"