Welcome to the semi-sequel to my Vaike x Anna crack, "The Capitalist And The Warrior". Don't worry, if you haven't read the original, you'll still understand this.
Those of you who've read my profile know one of my rules for oneshots is no crossovers. Well, technically this isn't REALLY a crossover – in FE13 there's a little something called the Outrealm Gate. For the purposes of this fic, it's a gate between universes, not a way for Nintendo to rack in some extra ca– I mean, not a way to access DLC chapters and characters.
After the war, Anna convinced the Shepherds to take a break in an outrealm. Virion noticed that she seemed to be in denial regarding her feelings for Vaike.
"As the great love-master, I must remedy this!" the Duke of Rosanne thought aloud.
"YOU'RE NOT THE LOVE-MASTER – THAT TITLE BELONGS TO ME!" came a voice from beyond the gate.
And now the continuation…
Now that Vaike and Anna were together, Virion decided to move on to another romantic adventure. This time, however, he wouldn't be doing it alone. The words he heard from the other side of the outrealm gate continued to haunt him. Who would dare question his standing as the ultimate love-master? What kind of man could even dream of rivaling his wooing abilities!
"I must know!" Virion shouted.
"Know what?" Robin asked.
"Who would dare challenge my courting abilities!"
"I wasn't aware anyone was trying to," the tactician scratched his chin.
"Someone from one of the Outrealms called out to me! I must meet him!" the Duke said excitedly and ran up to the gate.
"HELLO! I AM THE GREAT LOVE-MASTER VIRION, DUKE OF ROSANNE! I WILL TAKE ON ANY AND ALL WHO WOULD DARE CHALLENGE MY CLAIM!" Virion called out. Almost immediately after he did, a brown-haired paladin in green armor stepped out with a smirk on his face.
"I am Sir Sain, loyal servant of Lady Lyndis of Caelin! No-one has ever out-wooed me, and no-one ever will!" the knight boasted.
"We shall see about that!" the Duke replied.
The two proceeded to discuss all the women in the camp, and decided Lissa, Sumia and Anna were all off-limits, as Lissa was a Princess and the other two were already in relationships. Once the rules were settled, they set off to woo as many women as they could.
Virion approached the gruff yet beautiful paladin, preparing his best lines.
"My dear lady, how magnificent you look today!"
"Virion, I already told you to look somewhere else!" Sully shouted.
"Ah, but I will never give up on you, my dear! You have captured my heart, and I cannot take it back!"
"Well then, let me put your heart on my spear and thrust it back into your chest!" the Paladin unlimbered her lance and charged the Duke, who screamed like a little girl and ran away as fast as he could.
When Sain saw Virion run, he looked toward whoever drove him off. Who he saw was a beautiful red-haired knight wearing what appeared to be a stylized version of his boon companion's armor.
Great. Now whenever I look at her I'll think of Kent. Well, I told Virion I could woo any woman in the camp, and if Lady Kent happens to be one of them, so be it.
"Hello beauteous dame! If your lance arm is as strong as you are lovely, you must be the strongest horseman ever to live!"
"Well, at least you're more creative than Virion. The name's Sully… what do you want?" the knight grunted.
"Ah, what a wonderful name! My dear lady, if you would grace me with your presence at the local tavern I promise to show you even more creativity, and later show you that I myself am skilled with a lance!"
"So you're a paladin as well? Well then, let's have a joust. If you beat me, I'll let you buy me dinner. How does that sound?"
"Wonderful! Now let me show you the skill of Lycian Paladins!"
The two grabbed their spears and horses and set themselves up for a proper joust.
"You ready?" Sully smiled.
"Always!" Sain responded, his excitement taking over his sense. Frederick, who had elected to monitor the match, signaled the Paladins to charge. Sully was quite skilled, but Sain was far stronger. He knocked his opponent right off her horse, then turned around to gloat.
"Hah! I'll always be better than you with a lance, Kent!" the Lycian blurted out, staring intently at the Ylissean.
"Kent?! Who the hell is Kent?!" Sully scowled.
"Uh-oh…" Sain blushed and ran off.
Virion approached the Dark Mage, but before he could say anything, she charged her magic,
"Listen, Virion. If you say anything remotely flirtatious, I will turn you into a frog. Is that clear?" The Duke simply nodded and walked away.
Sain overheard the conversation and realized he shouldn't try to get involved. He turned around and saw a beautiful blonde who he couldn't resist courting.
"Oh, beautiful flower, your luscious hair is truly a work of art! My lady, if you would please come with me to the local tavern, I promise to–"
"I'm a man; my name is Libra," the blonde deadpanned. Now all the Lycian could think of was the feminine-looking monk he met in Khathelet.
"Dear Lord, it's Lucius all over again!" Sain whined and ran off.
Virion was about to approach Cordelia, then remembered she was in love with Chrom.
Her loss… the Duke thought to himself and walked off.
Not even going to try? Sain chuckled internally as he approached the red-haired Pegasus Knight. She had taken off her armor due to the heat, revealing the radiant red dress she wore under it.
"Ah, I've always thought Pegasi were beautiful, but even they pale in comparison to you, my lady!"
"You really think I'm pretty?" Cordelia's eyes widened. Most men she encountered turned away when they saw how small her chest was, but this one continued to stare into her eyes with nothing but affection.
"Of course, my dear! Your glorious hair… your beautiful face… your bright eyes… everything about you brings warmth to my heart!"
"I see… I was often teased about my appearance by the other trainees, so I've gotten used to not being complemented."
"Who could possibly make fun of such unending beauty."
"Heh, t-that's quite enough, Sir Knight. I really have to get back to work… the weapons won't sharpen themselves!"
"Can it wait until after dinner? I would love to treat you tonight!"
"Sorry, sir, I really have to get going," Cordelia said and ran off.
"Ah, what a shame. Such beautiful dames should not be wasting away in smithies," Sain sighed.
Virion approached the young noblewoman from House Themis with a smile on his face and flowers in hand.
"Magnificent dame, please accept these humble gifts as a sign of my affection toward you."
"You know, Virion, you are the only person here with the peerage to court me. It's such a shame you're too loose, otherwise I'd actually consider accepting your advances," Maribelle chuckled smugly.
"Loose? I'm not loose! I may be a flirt, but I don't run around sleeping with everyone!"
"I'll bet that's because you can't. Goodbye," the Ylissean noblewoman said and rode away on her horse… right toward Sain.
"Why hello there, beauteous one! It is not often I run into a skilled horseman as well-dressed as you!"
"The nobles of Themis pride themselves on their horsemanship! Tell me, what house are you from?"
"I am Sir Sain, proud servant of Lady Lyndis, granddaughter of the great Marquess Caelin!"
"I've never heard of Caelin… must be unimportant. You should consider leaving the service of such an unimportant girl and begin working for someone of substance. That is, if you have the skill. Either way, I see no reason to stick around with you… goodbye," Maribelle lifted her chin and rode away.
How dare she demean Lady Lyndis like that! I never imagined I could become cross with a beautiful woman, but alas, I am! Sain frowned and left in the opposite direction.
Olivia and Cherche
Virion had tried wooing the dancer before and had gotten somewhat far. Unfortunately, before he could make any serious move, something always forced him away. But now, the war was over, and nothing was going to stop him. He took off his signet ring and knelt before the pink-haired woman, a glint in his eye.
"Oh, Olivia, how I've longed for this day! I love you, and have always loved you! Please, accept the ring of my noble house and marry me!"
"Virion, you propose to almost every woman you meet. How am I supposed to believe you actually love me?"
"Because the only woman I have ever professed my love to is you! If you take my hand in marriage, I need not seek anyone else, for I will have everything I have ever dreamed of! Please, acce–"
"OK Virion, that's enough wooing for today," Cherche growled.
"NO! DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME! NOOOOOOOOO!" the Duke screamed as his knight forced him onto her wyvern and carried him off.
Sain couldn't help but laugh at Virion's plight… an act Olivia couldn't help but notice.
"How rude! I can't believe anyone could laugh at something like that!" the dancer said with uncharacteristic passion.
"I see… so you really do love him then…"
"N-no, you idiot! I would have turned him down. I-it's just rude, is all. And don't think I'm going to fall for your woos either! I've seen you around the other women, and I'm not going to be treated the same way!" Olivia blushed and walked away.
"I'm so confused…" Sain covered his face with his hands, "her tone clearly implied she has feelings for him, but she turns him down at every opportunity! What's going on?"
The Ylissean mage walked through the forest, collecting herb samples for her medical experiments. While she did so, she could not help but think of Virion and his new rival Sain, neither of whom had tried to court her. Those thoughts did not last long, as she was soon distracted by a plant she had never seen before; such discoveries attract all of her attention.
Sain and Virion both looked around for the beautiful young mage named Miriel, but they could not find her anywhere. After countless hours, they decided to give up and head back to the outrealm gate, disappointed in their failures.
"Sain? Where are you? We're about to move on!" a young man in typical mage's garb stepped out of the Outrealm Gate.
"Oh hey, what's your name?" Lissa said cheerfully as she approached the stranger.
"Umm… Erk," the purple-haired mage replied.
"That's a cute name! I'm Princess Lissa, cleric and younger sister of Exalt Chrom!" the princess replied.
Erk went pale, as if he saw a ghost, "W-wait… that voice… that staff… that hairstyle… …it can't be!"
"What's wro-" before Lissa could finish her sentence, the mage bolted off.
"Ugh, today was not a good day…" Virion sighed as he and Sain hung their heads. Suddenly, the two heard screaming.
"Is that… Erk?" Sain frowned as he looked at what appeared to be the source.
"SAIN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! IT'S SERRA REINCARNATED!" the mage shouted frantically as he dashed past the love-masters.
"Hey! Come back here! I will NOT be ignored!" Lissa screeched, chasing after him. Virion and Sain simply stared at the two, dumbfounded.
"We've been wooing women all day…"
"…and not one even welcomes our advances…"
"…but now that one mage who wasn't even trying gets a princess to chase after him?"
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" they finished in unison and fainted.
I think that was the second funniest ending I've ever written, first being the one in Relief For The Weary, which ironically wasn't even intended to be a comedy.