Counting the petals

Disclaimer : I do not own Weiss Kreuz.

Warnings/Notes : Schu x Brad-pairing. Schuldich pov.

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I don't know when it happened, really.

We agreed both that there would be no such things as feelings involved when we started having this ... this thing that is not a relationship.

And it was enough then.

But I find myself wanting something more from you lately than just a good fuck.

I can hardly believe my own thoughts.

'A good fuck' is all I've ever wanted in any relationship I've ever had. You know how many there have been and I could tell you there are still quite some you don't even know about.

I probably won't tell you, however.

Not because I think you'd care anything about them, but because I know you would not care about them at all. They are after all part of my past. Unimportant and to be forgotten.

I wonder what you'd say if I told you I had another relationship in the present as well.

Of course, such is not the case, but still I wonder what your reaction would be.

Not enough to actually tell you however.

You probably wouldn't care about that too.

Though I'd like to think you would. I'd like to think it would hurt you when I said there was another one in my bed. But that's just wishful thinking.

You can't always have what you want, they say.

Is it possible too to never have what you really want ? To waste your life longing for something that'll never ever be yours ? I can't imagine not wanting you, and yet ...

I sit here, waiting for you to come home.

Have you already seen me in your Visions ? Will you be happy to see me ?

This ... concern about whether or not you'll be pleased with me is truly pathetic, I know.

I used to say anything I wanted to you, just to see you get annoyed.

But that was when there was nothing I had to loose.

Now I do have something to loose, and even though it's not much, it's still better than nothing at all. I guess. But I've never been one to be careful, to be satisfied with what I have and accept that I can't have everything. I take chances. I play for double or nothing. Only this time, I hesitate to toss the dice. They might leave me with nothing and I don't think I could deal with that.

So I'll wait for you and not tell you how I feel.

I don't have your Gift, I can't foresee what will happen if ... no ... when I do tell you.

Eventually I will. It's not my nature to remain silent. Even if I'd be much better off that way.

I will tell you I love you and you will tell me you don't love me. Will those words coming from you hurt me ? I guess it depends on what else you'll say. Will you tell me you never want to see me again, that you'll ask Esset to replace me ? Or is my love yet another thing you won't care about ? I don't know what would be worse.

There just doesn't seem to be any possibility for me to win in this.

So why should I want to postpone the inevitable ?

I could tell you tonight and then it would be all over. Gone and lost.

Maybe I will. Maybe ...


A key was turned in the frontdoor's lock and Schuldich knew Crawford had returned from his one-man mission. He raised his head as Crawford entered the living room.

"Hello, Brad."

Crawford frowned a little. Probably still didn't like being called by his first name.

"Good evening, Schuldich."

To Be Continued ???