Bugs Bunny meets Napoleon Bonaparte

By: Shannon

P.S. I do not own the rights to any of these characters in the fanfic. Some factual events have been "fictionalized." Enjoy this corny yet hilarious fanfic.

On a mildly warm day, Napoleon was busy wiping out Europe as usual with his army of thousands of soldiers. In the midst of a battle, something popped up from the ground.

"Oh boy! Alberquerque Carrot Festival, HERE I AM!" shouted Bugs Bunny as he digged himself out of the ground. "Hey wait a minute! Dis' ain't the Alberquerque Carrot Festival! Now let's see..." Bugs pulls out a map and looks at it while soldiers continuously fire at each other. "Hmmmm, I knew I shoulda' taken that left turn at Alberquerque. Oh well. I'll guess I'll ask that short guy in funny hat and outfit" (he means Napoleon). He takes a carrot and starts munching on it.

Bugs approaches Napoleon, while he is talking to a few officers of his army and tugs at his coat. "Eh, what's up, Doc?" asks Bugs Bunny.

"Ah, a rabbit," says Napoleon. "What are you doing here?"

"I was on my way to the Alberquerque Carrot Festival but I seemed to have taken a wrong turn. Can you help me get back?" He pulls out his map.

"Rabbit, you are funny!" laughed Napoleon in his thick, Corsican accent. "I have no idea where this Alberquerque is! My friend, you are in Europe!"

"Europe!" cried Bugs. "I'm no where near Alberquerque! Now, I'll miss the carrot festival!"

Napoleon turns to his generals. "This rabbit may be of some use to us. Maybe he can dig his way across enemy lines and retrieve information for us. Once we get the information we need, then we can dispose of him." Napoleon turns to Bugs.

"What are you lookin' at?" asked Bugs.

"Well, Rabbit," said Napoleon with a smile on his face. "My officers and I have been talking. How would you like to be a spy for France? We have been fighting Russia for several hours now and we would like to end the battle. What do you say?"

"I was looking forward to that carrot festival for months and..."

"Forget the carrot festival, Rabbit! Think about it...being a spy for the French. When we come back home to France, you will be a hero!"

"A hero, huh?"

"Yes, a hero. Much better than some stupid carrot festival, eh Rabbit?"

"Well, Smokey, ya talked me into it!" They both shake hands.

Two hours later, Bugs Bunny was wearing a Russian army hat, with paper and a quill in hand.

"Now Bugs," said Napoleon. "You must dig your way across the battle lines and find ANY information regarding strategy or weapons or whatever and come back with them."

"Okeedokie Boneypart!" shouted Bugs as he saluted him.

"That's Bonaparte, Bugs," said Napoleon. "And most importantly, do not tell anyone that you're a spy. Got it?"

"Got it!"

"Good, now CARRY ON!"

After digging up through the Russian lines, Bugs Bunny found himself in a Russian campsite with Russian soldiers talking to each other and preparing for battle. Bugs snuck inside an unguarded tent with a desk that had strategic maneuvers written on several sheets of paper. Quickly he copied them down. "Boy, oh boy, I'm gonna be a hero when I get to France," said Bugs quietly to himself, hoping no one would hear him. "Boneypart will be so proud of me!"

Little did Bugs know was a short, little man standing behind the tent. He had a long red beard and a long red moustache. He burst into the tent with a gun aimed at Bugs' nose.

"AWWWWWWWRIGHT, ya long eared critter! This is Russian territory!" he yelled.

"And who might you be?" asked Bugs Bunny.

"Who might I be? Why, I'm Sharp-shootin' Russian Sam! The meanest, Russianest, sharp-shootingest soldier this side of Siberia! So get of'en our battle lines, RABBIT!" Russian Sam started shooting and Bugs Bunny ran for cover in a nearby rabbit hole. Russian Sam runs to the hole.

"Oooooookay, Rabbit! I'm a-givin' ya the count of 10 to get outta that hole or otherwise I'm gonna pump ya' full o' lead!" He starts shooting repeatedly into the rabbit hole, while Bugs climbs out of another rabbit hole, while munching on a carrot. He approaches Russian Sam, who finished counting to 10 and was blasting the heck out of the rabbit hole.

"Eh, what's up, Doc?" asked Bugs as he leans on Russian Sam's shoulder.

"There's a doggone blasted rabbit in that hole and I'm gonna git 'im!" he shouted. He continued to waste his bullets on the empty rabbit hole while Bugs snuck into another tent and stole more strategic information. He came out and tapped Russian Sam on the shoulder.

"So long, SUCKER!" he yells as he takes off Russian Sam's hat and messes up his hair. Bugs Bunny runs off with the vital information.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I hates rabbits!" yells Sam as he runs after Bugs Bunny.

"Uh, oh, Russian Sam's on my tail and it's the only tail I have!" yelled Bugs as he ran off.

Bugs spotted a pile of cannonballs by a cannon. "I'll hide here. The little twerp won't ever find me here."

Russian Sam approached the cannon and looked down into it. "Oh Rabbit!" he yelled in a sing-song voice. "Come out, come out wherever you are!"

Bugs lit the fuse on the cannon and blasted Russian Sam into the wild blue younder. He falls down to the ground with a loud, earth-shattering THUMP! He walks in zig-zags before collapsing, face down on the ground.

Bugs Bunny whispers in Russian Sam's ear. "Got you, SUCKER!" He runs off, leaving red-faced Russian Sam behind.

"OOOOOOHHHHHH, I hates that rabbit!" Russian Sam shouted. He grabs two six shooters and runs into a tent where Bugs was stealing more information.

"Hey, you stupid, long-eared critter, gimme back that information!" He pointed the six shooters at Bugs.

"Ah ha!" snapped Bugs, holding two seven-shooters.

"Ah ha!" yelled Russian Sam, holding two-eight shooters.

"Ah ha!" yelled Bugs, holding two nine-shooters.

"Ah ha, again, Rabbit!" snapped Russian Sam, holding two ten-shooters.

"Ah ha yourself, Russian Sam!" shouted Bugs as he turned a cannon in Russian Sam's direction and fired it in his face.

"Mommy," Russian Sam said in a babyish tone as Bugs fired the cannon on him.

About three hours later, Bugs shows back up on the French lines, with written strategic maneuvers in one arm and Russian Sam in the other.

"Ah, Bugs," said Napoleon. "You have found the information we are looking for! And you have captured Russian Sam!"

"Yes sir, Monsewer Boneypart," said Bugs. "Now am I a hero?"

Napoleon turns to his officers. "The rabbit has captured the infamous Russian Sam! I can't believe it! None of our men could do it! I'm surprised that rabbit did!"

So in the end, Russian Sam became a prisoner-of-war and Bugs Bunny was awarded a position as an officer in the French army and a lifetime supply of Grade A carrots. Later, he became a trusted adviser of Napoleon's (and the best man...or rabbit....at his wedding to Marie-Louise), staying with him until his death on St. Helena. Bugs Bunny married a French rabbit named Louise-Marie and they had 5 children.

The first child (female rabbit) married a Dutch rabbit army officer and she moved with him to Holland. They had 6 children and all of them moved to the United States. The second child (male rabbit) married an English socialite (also a rabbit) named Elizabeth and he moved with her to London and had 4 children. The third and forth children (twin male rabbits) moved to the United States and married two Texan rabbits, one named Ella Mae and another one named Anna Louise a.k.a "Annie Lou." The two couples each had 2 children. The fifth child (female rabbit) became a nun in a French convent.

As for Russian Sam, he was released and sent back to Russia where he married, had 3 children and lived the rest of his life in St. Petersburg as an owner of a bookstore.