This fic is almost pure crack and a What If? scenario where Vader is "saved" by a monumental troll (not Zelretch for once, though he IS partly to blame). So please, don't send me any reviews about how things don't work like that or how I'm messing up canon for Star Wars. I have literally seen the original three too many times to count, and I made this for a laugh.
It all started when Vader found a force sensitive child on one of his campaigns.
No wait, it all started when an immortal magic-wielding man got bored and decided to screw over the Empire just for shits and giggles, and de-aged himself.
He placed himself perfectly to be found by Vader's men, even came up with a good name for himself that he doubted would be changed by Vader later.
Revan. After a famous Sith lord.
Vader kept the 'child' far, far away from his Master Sidious. He wanted his own apprentice, not one that his 'master' chose for him. Besides, there was something about the look in the child's eyes that seemed to draw him in.
He wouldn't know whether to bless the fact he found the boy, or curse his luck.
Revan was known for being a monumental headache for those he didn't respect. It hadn't been until he was roughly nine that he quit giving his Master such a hard time.
But it seemed the Emperor had grown tired of letting Vader play at being a Master with an apprentice. He wanted to meet the boy personally.
Two seconds before he even reached the door, he felt how foul Sidious' soul was. He inwardly shuddered.
The first excuse Darth Sidious gave him, he was going to kill the bastard.
Revan schooled his barriers, made his face as flat as possible, and hid his soul behind a shield of darkness. No need to alert Sidious to his fate.
He wanted to disperse the man quietly, after all. Maybe steal his identity and really cause some havoc.
Sidious was a hundred times worse up close than he had thought. He was so saturated in darkness and madness that came from power that the only thing to do was to end it permanently. Otherwise he would do everything in his power to end Revan or corrupt him until he lost himself.
So Revan patiently waited, and answered Vader's questions about the meeting honestly.
"I don't like him. At all. I also take back everything bad I've ever said or thought about you and replace it with the Emperor is an ass," said Revan flatly.
If he could have only seen his Master's expression hearing that declaration. He was sure it would have been hilarious.
Two years later...
Revan stood dispassionately by the corpse of the now dead Emperor. Using a little trick, he hid the body from casual view and assured the droids and the guards that he was fine.
Two years of having to put up with the Emperor's ramblings about the dark side. Two years to familiarize himself with Sidious to the point that he could copy his Force signature. Two years of having the Sith slowly try to corrupt him to the point he would kill his own Master to take his place.
Once alone again, Revan spat on the corpse a second time for good measure.
Then Palpatine appeared, looking very pissed indeed.
"You arrogant boy! You think you've won? The rebellion will never succeed because of my death!" he snarled.
Revan's smirk shut the spectre up.
"Oh, but who said I had any intent on allowing the realm at large to realize you're dead? In case you've forgotten, most can't see Force ghosts. Only the force-sensitive can," said Revan smugly.
Palpatine called him every foul name under the sun and then some while he mimicked the man's voice perfectly enough to summon Vader to inform him of the fate of his Apprentice.
This was going to be hilarious.
There was a feeling of resignation and dread as he approached the chambers of his Master. He had known the odds of Revan living very long were slim the moment he realized the seeds of rebellion in the brat. It was only worse when Revan made his opinions of the Emperor known to him in private.
The odds of the boy following Darth Sidious were so laughable it wasn't even funny how bad they were.
So when he entered the room and saw the body near the Emperor, he thought the worst.
At least until he got closer to the man he once considered a trusted older friend.
Something was off about Sidious. There was a sense of amusement that was never present around the man, even before he revealed his real nature to the universe. And it wasn't a dark amusement either.
Now he was suspicious. What was going on?
Vader dared to come closer, and that was when he saw it.
It wasn't Revan's body lying cold on the floor. It was Palpatine himself, or what was left of him.
The Emperor's dark laughter smoothly flowed into Revan's cackling.
Words could not express his disbelief at the sight before him. He had always thought the Emperor to be immortal, unstoppable. Time ravaged him, but did not dilute his power or his evil.
"I have to admit, holding that form was totally worth your reaction," said Revan, wiping tears of absolute mirth from his eyes.
Vader seemed to take a deep breath, before he voiced the question he had to know.
Revan pulled out a bone white stick and twirled it in his fingers.
"The Force might be powerful, but it's nothing compared to magic. And the old ghoul had no defense against something designed for a one-hit, absolute kill technique. It also doesn't help that I had this," said Revan smugly, pulling out an hour glass.
"What is that?"
"Time turner. The last one in existence. One turn of the archaic hourglass, and I got back an hour in time. All I did was wait for yet another meeting designed to get me to kill you, wait for my past self to leave, then kill him before he even realized I was there. The rest was a little shape shifting and acting," said Revan.
He had to admit, the annoying brat was good. He could pretend that Revan knew an obscure trick of the Force that could kill that Sidious didn't. The shape shifting he could pass off as a damn good illusion with even better acting. If Vader hadn't sensed the amusement from the Force, he never would have known it wasn't him.
"So what now? Once word spreads about him being dead..."
"Who said we have to tell anyone he's dead? Let's face it, the rebellion is a joke and it's only a matter of time before they get killed off enough that they're not an issue anymore. And besides, I've been bored for years now," said Revan conspiratorially.
"Tell me, Lord Vader...do you know what a 'troll' is?" said Revan wickedly.
The plan was so brilliant in it's simplicity that Vader was almost looking forward to seeing the reaction of the rebellion when they learned Sidious was already dead and that his 'dead' Apprentice had taken over.
With how massive the Empire was, there wasn't any feasible way to destroy it without a civil war. At least, not right away.
Which was why Revan was slowly going to dismantle it from the inside at the top, as discreetly as possible.
However that would take years, possibly decades.
Vader had the patience, and he knew the Empire almost inside and out. And to be honest this appealed to his sense of justice and vengeance.
He would rectify the mistake he made by joining Sidious and piss off his former Master at the same time. What could possibly anger the Sith more than creating Order by using Chaos?
Besides, he openly admitted he found his partner's sense of humor rather appealing. The confusion from the rebellion and any remaining Jedi would be absolutely worth the headaches. Seeing their expressions would make it all worth the effort.
And if he found Kenobi, then he had full permission to pull a prank by telling him the truth right before the man was cut down by Vader.
Seeing his former Master's look when he found out the Emperor was dead and that they had kept it running in the shadows would be the perfect payback.
Two years later...
Upon being informed of Leia's capture, Revan grinned wickedly.
Unknown to the Princess of Alderaan, he had tested her blood against Vader after he made a throw away comment about her looking so much like his dead wife.
And it came back positive. Leia of Alderaan was Vader's DAUGHTER.
Needless to say that revelation had thrown Vader for a loop, as he had always suspected that might be the case but hadn't dared to hope.
Hell, what could he say to her finding that fact out?
Hi, I'm your dad and oh, I'm considered one of the most evil bastards in the universe and serve the very thing you hate?
Yeah, that wouldn't have gone over well, never mind what Sidious would have done once he found out.
Still, they had been stuck with the stupid Death Star that Sidious had started on before Revan killed him and took his place.
Which was why they had deliberately leaked the plans to some known spies. What better way to get rid of the stupid thing than to let the rebels destroy it for them?
Still, this was a great opportunity to mess with a rebel big wig. It would take some quick talking with Vader to get him to go along with it, but the results would be soooo worth it later.
"You want to what?"
"Destroy Alderaan in an attempt to get her to talk," said Revan, hiding as some random lackey. No one remembered the dead idiots.
Sensing Vader's ire, Revan quickly explained.
"Okay, keep an open mind. See this cup?" said Revan, holding up an ordinary cup. Vader looked at him blankly in growing irritation. Revan said something under his breath, then asked again. "Where's the cup?"
"What cup?" said Vader, growing annoyed.
"The cup is currently sitting on the table."
Vader blinked, seeing a cup and blinking.
"What was that?"
"A Force trick that allows the mind to be unable to process the presence of an object, person or place so long as the one who holds the secret does not divulge it's existence," said Revan in simple terms.
Vader immediately saw the applications of such a technique.
"What's your plan?"
"I'm going to hide the entire planet under the technique. At least long enough to make everyone believe it was completely destroyed by the Death Star. Thanks to our last minute tweaks, the cannon should fail after the first use, but as long as it looks like the planet was destroyed, no one will know. Then once the rebels 'win' (Revan used finger quotes) we can reveal the truth to Leia if she hasn't died by that point and watch her confusion and disbelief finding out we didn't actually kill her home planet," said Revan.
It was cruel. It was unusual. And in reality there were no downsides compared to actually destroying the place.
Besides, seeing the rebellion's reaction to finding out that the planet had been hidden and a fake image of the destruction had been used to get Leia to talk would be hilarious.
"Not to mention that if she's anything like your wife or yourself, she'll be stubborn as a mule and unlikely to given you any real information."
"This is going to be fun..." grinned Vader in his mask.
While Vader had slowly developed a sense of humor (to the relief of those who had to work with him), he was still an ass when he put his mind to it.
Though his subordinates had to admit, whatever had happened after Revan's death, they were glad Vader had loosened up. He still didn't forgive major mistakes, but he was lenient with minor ones. Unless he was in a foul mood, which seemed to be less common.
One week later...
Vader had to admit, the reaction of Leia was almost worth the headache of hiding an entire planet. The knowledge he hadn't killed everyone like she assumed but was merely playing a massive prank on his daughter and the rebellion made it far easier on his poor conscience.
Revan had done what many would consider a miracle a restored his moral compass. Well perhaps restore wasn't the right word. Replaced, maybe?
Either way he found it far more satisfying pulling horrific pranks that many would say were in bad taste than his usual method of relaxing. So what if his humor was dark and slightly morbid?
It was more fun than working under Sidious had ever been, and Revan always gave him the option of picking his assignments.
The best part was that if they did this right, then both sides would be completely fooled, and they'd get to enjoy the chaos and confusion when it became known that Alderaan was still there.
As they escorted Leia back to her cell, Vader waited until they were alone in his private chambers.
"No one suspects a thing. And even if someone did leave the planet after I just hide the thing, they won't be able to get back. By all accounts Alderaan is destroyed. It would take someone of some serious mental fortitude or some creative thinking to get past the trick," said Revan smugly.
Before Vader could say another word, he felt the Force shudder. Something seemed to snap into place, and a sudden vicious grin bloomed on his scarred face.
Thanks in part to Revan and his mysterious concoctions, he was able to breath a limited amount of air without that damn respirator. A number of nasty scars had healed over, and he was slowly but surely healing over old wounds. He had high hopes that eventually he would be able to live a somewhat normal life.
Though he had to admit, hearing the wild adventures his former apprentice got up to while confusing Jedi Master Yoda cracked him up.
Apparently Degobah had a large number of useful and damn hard to find plants that Revan used, and every time he visited, he always ended up followed by a creepy green gnome thing that seemed content to watch. And it was every time.
Hearing the respected Master referred to as a 'creepy gnome' was highly amusing. As was the fact that Yoda definitely had no idea what Revan was up to, outside of harvesting plants and the odd animal.
Vader would very much like to meet the society that produced someone as twisted and ingenious as Revan. If only because he had given Vader something that he never expected to have again while under his Master's thumb.
Hope and a purpose in life.
Still, back to the reason for Vader's vicious grin.
"I sense Kenobi."
"Kenobi and an untrained force user. If you want to have even a remote chance of converting him, you should probably hold the old Jedi's execution somewhere a bit more...private. Odds are he's already trying to brainwash the poor kid," corrected Revan.
"Do I really want an audience when I kill that arrogant blowhard or do I want to draw it out... Who am I kidding. An audience gives the greater chance of being interrupted and I'll be damned if I let that bastard use me as a way to turn himself into a martyr for the rebellion!"
"Besides, we both know it'll be more fun to have him executed in a public ceremony that's held live before they even realize he's still around, but make it too sudden for the rebellion to do jack about it."
Vader's grin was even more wicked. There were days he hated Revan because he was a complete pain in the ass.
This was absolutely not one of them.
"So let the little idiots reclaim the princess then have fun drawing out that old geezer's long overdue demise?" said Revan.
"But of course!" said Vader far too cheerfully.
"Oh, and if we really want to keep him from being a martyr for those idiots, we're going to have to tweak the reason he's being executed a little bit. Odds are this kid has zero ideas about what the Old Republic was like, and has been fed a lot of bullshit about the Empire."
Vader nodded. There was occasionally a method to Revan's madness. He was certain that the man's ideas would pan out long term.
Two days later...
Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi was both confused and worried.
Vader, rather than kill him for his actions in Mustafar and for secretly hiding his children, had instead had him arrested and given drugs to hinder any chance of him using the Force. More than that, he had made very sure that Luke never saw what happened to him. All the boy felt was his Force Presence disappearing without warning, so it was likely the rebellion already believed him dead.
What he didn't understand was why. Why was Vader keeping him alive?
Suddenly he felt a presence so foul, so dark, it could only be one person.
Darth Sidious, the Emperor himself.
Obi-Wan braced himself. That was all he could do at the moment.
The door opened. Vader was there, as was his dark Master. It closed, leaving them completely isolated from the rest of the ship.
"Are the cameras dealt with?" rasped Sidious. Vader crushed them without a thought.
He had thought himself mentally prepared for what was to happen. He couldn't be more wrong.
Sidious reached for his hood and began to pull back.
Only to reveal Vader's last apprentice, Revan.
Obi-Wan blinked. Repeatedly. There was only one thing he could say.
"Told you it was worth keeping him alive for a public, live execution just to see that look on his face," said Revan smugly.
"When you're right, you're right you annoying brat," said Vader in a manner so hauntingly familiar to Obi-Wan that it reminded him painfully of his padawan before he became a Sith.
Revan's grin was wicked and full of mischief.
"Long story short you old dinosaur, is that Sidious is long dead and quite pissed off with me. I've been masquerading in his place just so we can destroy the Empire properly before it really spirals out of control."
"Sidious is dead?!" said Obi-Wan, his face looking like someone had slapped him with a fish repeatedly.
As if things could not get any stranger, Palpatine's ghost appeared again, and started cursing out Revan. He looked beyond pissed and more inclined to blind rage. If he had the hands he would definitely have strangled Revan without any hesitation.
Obi-Wan was completely lost. Sidious was dead, Revan was alive, and Vader felt more like the man he used to be and not the monster he had become.
Revan snapped his fingers, forcibly sending Sidious back to wherever force ghosts stayed.
"Here's the deal. You're going to be executed in a live ceremony for everyone to see, just not for the crime of being a Jedi."
Obi-Wan looked at him baffled.
"See we don't want you being a martyr for those idiots in the rebellion to rally behind. They're bad enough already, even if they have yet to learn that Alderaan was never actually destroyed."
"WHAT? I felt the Force! Many souls cried out before they were brutally silenced!"
"Yeah, no. it's funnier to see the expression on their faces when we present to the Princess that we didn't actually destroy her stupid homeworld. The look of shock is absolutely going to be worth the headaches hiding the damn thing," said Revan far too cheerfully considering the subject matter.
Before Obi-Wan could say anything, Revan gave him a look that made him shut up without a word.
"And let's not forget the small matter of you being the entire reason that Anakin went evil in the first place you bloody hypocrite."
"You didn't even give him the benefit of a doubt, and your actions pushed him to the dark side because you morons couldn't comprehend that maybe there was ONE emotion you fools didn't have to so viciously repress. The one thing that can turn aside even the most powerful of the dark Force powers. Love. If Anakin had been allowed to love his wife and children without being considered a traitor by the damn order, he wouldn't have gone to Sidious in the first place. And let's not forget the oh-so-convenient fact that you tossers stole his only remaining connection to his dead wife, which could have brought him back to your damn side," spat Revan.
Not many were aware that Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader were the same.
As far as the general public knew, he had died from the clone attacks, and Vader had come out of hiding as the Emperor's right hand man now that he ruled everything.
Revan had nothing but contempt for the aged Jedi, who finally started to look his years.
"Your precious Order screwed the pooch, big time. And you only have yourselves to blame."
Luke and Princess Leia had to watch helplessly as Obi-Wan Kenobi was marched onto the platform in Coruscant. There had been no warning, no hints that the Jedi had been kept alive. Luke had practically confirmed he had been killed, likely by Vader.
And here he was, about to be executed on a live feed. There was no way anyone could save him, even if the rebellion did have spies.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You have been found guilty of the crimes of your Order and are sentenced to execution. Your crimes are as followed. Repeated abduction of minors from their families. Brainwashing mere children into being mindless drones for your precious cult. Knowingly helping the corrupted Senate in enslaving the weaker trade guilds. The creation of a mass-produced clone army. The kidnapping of the children of Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala..."
Luke blinked. The crimes went on and on, but for some reason most of the rebels seemed surprised at that addition to the Jedi's list of crimes.
"Who are Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala?" asked Luke.
"Senator Amidala was one of the few non-corrupt members of the now dead Senate. I wasn't aware that she had any children though, but it makes sense it would be with him," said one of the generals.
"It definitely explains why she was wearing those heavy dresses before her death," muttered another. "But why hide her children?"
"What about the other crimes? Abducting minors and brainwashing them?" asked Luke. This was the first he had heard about that.
Han was surprisingly the one to answer that one.
"The Jedi temple had this habit of finding 'force-sensitive' kids early on and taking them in. Really, really early on. Something about how emotions were a bad thing and even making friends was the path to evil. Rumor is that they weren't even allowed to meet their own parents, much less get to know them. And forget about getting married," said Han.
Luke was properly horrified.
"How do you know all this?" asked Leia.
"I was there when I saw a Jedi go into a family friend's house, talk to the parents about their kid and leave with a two year old without anyone saying anything. All I was told was that the baby was going to be a Jedi someday and to keep my mouth shut about the whole thing," shrugged Han.
It was an unspoken rule. If the Jedi found your baby to be force-sensitive, into the temple they went. You were lucky if you heard from them again.
"I thought Jedi were keepers of the peace and order?" said Luke. This was a bit confusing for him, as he couldn't see why anyone would just hand over their children because someone came and asked them to. Especially not new mothers or fathers, at such an early age.
"It's just the way things were back then," said Han.
Luke watched in silence as the Storm Troopers executed a man he thought to be a good person.
How could Ben do something like that? Steal someone's children and hide them?
Unknown to Luke, a small fracture in his belief that all Jedi were good people had begun to form. It was hard to equate "good" with child abductors and brainwashing.
Vader was rather pleased. Even if he couldn't kill that damn Jedi with his own two hands it was nice to see that the image people had of them had just taken a big hit.
Revan knew people better than they knew themselves. It was hard to equate "good and just" with people who abducted children and then brainwashed them into believing that all emotions were evil and thus to be suppressed until they were walking time bombs. And the crimes that they put on Kenobi were actual crimes back in the days of the Old Republic.
It was just that no one had ever considered trying to pin them on the Jedi. After all, they were Jedi. The epitome of good.
Revan suspected that the teen Obi-Wan had with him was Leia's twin brother. He had looked into the records and found she have given birth to twins.
Needless to say Vader was even more pissed finding that out. Especially when he learned where Obi-Wan had stashed his SON for all these years.
He had never really forgiven the Larrs family for moving his mother out into the desert, where she had been vulnerable enough to be kidnapped and murdered by Tusken Raiders. He felt zero remorse learning about their deaths at the hands of his men.
"I'm bored," said Revan suddenly.
Vader felt a chill go down his spine. Bad things happened whenever Revan said those words.
"I think I'll go piss off the Hutts!"
"I thought we were keeping a low profile until we got rid of that stupid battlestation?"
"Darn, knew I was forgetting something. Send it after the rebels and make it look like they earned a victory. That should keep them from asking too many questions. Odds are that the Force will help Luke get rid of it..." said Revan, before a wicked idea occurred to him.
"What? I know that look and you're planning to do something that will give me headaches long term."
"We insured Obi-Wan didn't die like he planned, and I can keep his ghost busy if I have to. So why not pretend you're him and lead Luke on a wild goose chase while secretly teaching him?"
Vader's irritation turned to wicked amusement. Oh wouldn't that piss off the old Order? Learning Luke had been trained by his Sith father while believing it was Obi-Wan?
"You go play with the Hutts while I have fun with Luke. If he is my son, then it will make it that much more entertaining seeing his expression when we finally tell him the full truth."
"Want me to start with that idiot Jabba?"
"By all means. Pretend it's a show of Force for the Empire or something."
"Eh. I'll play it off as a way to show that the Emperor didn't exactly like the fact that a Jedi hid under his nose because he was on Tattooine, so he's making an example of how he feels about that," said Revan with a shrug.
Vader nodded. It was as good an excuse as any, and he had no love for the Hutts. Besides, they would be more of a challenge than those ridiculous rebels.
The stench of dead corpses filled the 'palace' of Jabba the Hutt. Revan looked particularly pleased with himself as he had been quite bored.
Suddenly there was a sound on his communicator.
"Well?" he asked Vader.
"The Death Star was destroyed. You were right that he couldn't tell the difference between me and that old idiot. What of your mission?"
"Let's just say the Hutts won't be harboring any of the old Order anytime soon. I made the displeasure of the 'Emperor' quite clear and left only a droid to tell the idiots who come here what happened. Not even a good droid at that. I even got to play with a Rancor!" said Revan pleased.
"Just remember you have to return and play Emperor of the Universe before you get busted."
"Like it matters. I never bothered to show my full face, remember? All the rebels know is I did something to piss Sidious off and got killed for it."
"Just get back and do the damn paperwork."
Revan snickered. Then checked to make sure that the droid didn't record that rather revealing conversation.
Damn. Now he had to reprogram another one and then leave a duplicate message.
Sometimes working in the shadows was too annoying for words. But the opportunity to pull the wool over literally millions upon MILLIONS of people was too damn good to pass up.
He was sure wherever the Marauders were, they were getting a kick out of the biggest damn prank to ever be conceived. They barely pulled one over an entire school and Ministry. He was fooling an entire universe of sentient beings purely out of boredom!
He'd like to see that kill-stealing troll bastard Black Wing top this, even with his legendary prank wars with his grandfather.
In retrospect, perhaps killing Sidious and turning Vader into a monumental troll wasn't the best idea...but it was still pretty damn funny seeing what his dark humor came up with. Besides, pulling one over on that ineffectual "rebellion" and an entire universe worth of sentient beings was totally worth the headaches.
"So basically the rebels have holed up in the Hoth system. Have fun," said Revan without hesitation. He hated cold weather and it was obvious what the outcome would be.
They weren't suited to such cold climates, and they hadn't been there long enough to adapt. This was a mere pit stop for them.
"You're not going to join in?"
"I'm having fun teaching the Hutts a lesson in humility. Force knows they need it," said Revan with a straight face.
"...If they annoy you to the point that you plan to wipe them out completely, let me know. If there's one thing I can't stand besides self-righteous Jedi Knights, it's a Hutt who endorses slavery."
"Which is pretty much all of them," cackled Revan. "Don't worry. I'll save the fun for when boredom reaches unacceptable levels or you've had a spectacularly crappy day. We can make a game of it or something."
"Just as long as you remember to share," said Vader.
"At least I'm better than that damn Black Wing, the brat."
"This I have to hear, if only for my own amusement."
"There's a multiverse traveling evil god called Black Wing, originally an alternate of me that became ridiculously overpowered in a very short period of time. Long story short we were both after the same nuisance and the little shit got to it first. Damn if I could remember what it was though. Either way he likes to remind me about it every so often whenever I'm unlucky enough to be in the same general area as he is," said Revan grumbling. His eyes sparked with madness. Vader silently approved.
There had never been a Sith who wasn't a little insane.
Revan left, grumbling how he'd be damned if he let the "brat" steal the biggest prank he had played yet.
To be continued in Part Two