I think there are a few people looking to see Jake get a punch. This is for you. Props to May P Tucker for bringing back the phrase "douche canoe."

Thanks to Sri and Nic for reading, and encouraging, this outtake. Love to Iris for her staying late to turn this into something readable.

This takes place during the epilogue for If. It's when Edward follows Bella out of the bar and sits with her while she cries.

I'm not sure what I was looking for when I chased after her. Maybe it was a little bit of Karma for the time she sat and watched me cry. But that's not really the same thing. I was crying over her, and she's here crying over some other fucking guy.

So it's not the same thing at all. I don't know what she expected by coming here today. According to Jake, things ended a few weeks ago. I don't know why she's chasing him here when he's dating our fucking lead singer.

And for the record, I don't support that at fucking all. First of all, they're going to break up. What's going to happen to the band then? Second of all, couldn't he have given his dick a rest after Bella?

I'm mad, but I don't even know at whom. Myself for giving a fuck? Jake? Bella?

I don't know what to say to her, because everything out of my mouth is going to be a dick move, and I don't think that's what Bella needs right now.

I get up and leave her alone.

Maybe this is a dick move, too.

Oh, great. Here's Alice to let me know, I'm sure.

"Edward!" She yells at me over the band that's just started. Man, I hope we don't suck as much as these guys. "Did you see Bella out there?"

I just nod and walk away, but she grabs my arm.

"You're friend Jake's a fucking cheating douchecanoe!"

Like I don't fucking know that.



"Yeah. How long's he been with Bimbo McSings? Because he and Bella only finally ended things, like, two weeks ago. Not even."

"Didn't they break up a month ago?" I remembered their fight in the cafeteria—the last one, anyway.

Over Jane.

At the time, I thought it was a good thing Jane went to a different school, because Bella was being pretty unreasonable about Jake going to band practice so much. I like Jane. She's a good friend, so I'm pretty happy she didn't hear the things Bella and her friends were saying about her.

"Yeah, and then a week later, Jake called her crying! 'Oh, Bella. I'm so lost without you. Please take me back. I'm begging you.'"

Her Jake impression's not favorable.

But if she's telling the truth, it's an impression he deserves.

"Are you sure?" We're still yelling over the shitty band.

"Of course I'm fucking sure."

And now I'm really fucking mad. I'm fucking livid.

And I know at whom.

I can't believe it took me this long to figure out Jake's a liar. Sure, I've seen him cheat before, but for some reason, this seems worse.

With each step I take, I think about all the ways he made me doubt Bella. Why did I let him do that?

I find him in our practice room above the bar, with Jane sitting on his lap.

"Hey, Jane. How long have you and Jake really been together?"

Jake bristles but doesn't have enough time to do or say anything before Jane answers. "Five weeks tonight."

Five weeks? Five weeks?!

That means he was with Jane before he ended things with Bella the first time around.

"After all that, after everything you did to get her, you cheated on Bella?"

Jake looks at Jane apologetically and then shifts her off his lap so he can stand and face me.

"Things were over. It was barely cheating."

"Shut up." I shake my head. I can barely believe this. I thought Bella was being a bitch, but she was totally right to be suspicious.

"She's not as innocent as you fucking think she is."

"Shut up!"

"Seriously. Ask her about going to the movies with that guy she worked with."

"Shut the fuck up, man!" I can't stop shaking my head. Nothing he's saying about Bella is true… is it? I feel my hands curl into fists.

"You're just pissed, because when she tried to make me jealous, she didn't call you."

"I said shut the fuck up, man, or I'll do it my-fucking-self." I've never punched a dude in my life. I need to get out of this room before I do something I'm going to regret.

"Seriously. I saved you big time. You don't know what a fucking cunt she could be."

And that's it. Before I can even stop myself, my closed fist makes contact with Jake's face.

It fucking hurts.

"What the fuck, man?" Jake's standing before me in shock, cradling his jaw.

"I thought you said you dumped her." Now Jane's standing between us, but it's not to break up our fight. She looks ready to start her own.

"I was going to. How does it even matter now? We're done." Jake reaches out for Jane. He's going to turn on the charm. I hope Jane doesn't fall for it.

"Oh, we're done all right." Jane storms out past me. "Come on, Edward."

Jane grabs my arm and tries to pull me with her, but I'm not done with Jake.

Jane senses this and pulls harder on my arm. "Come on. He's not worth it."

"Go on, Eddy. Always chasing after my sloppy seconds." With Jake's departing words, I turn around to leave with Jane. Fuck him. He's not worth hurting my hand again.

"Yeah. That's right! Get out of here! Maybe you want to try Bella again now that I've broken her in for you. She was a lot easier than I thought."

Nope. That's it.

I'm on Jake before he knows it. This time I don't stop after the first blow lands. I don't stop until I'm roughly pulled up off him by the rest of the band. I didn't even notice them when I walked into the room.

This time, Jake managed to get a few jabs of his own in. My nose is bleeding, but so is Jake's. I'm feeling a little banged up right now, but Jake looks a lot worse than I feel.

My only regret is that I didn't do it in front of Bella.