12: In Life and Death
Yuri's mortal body has passed away due to birthing complications. Where is her soul? Can Satan still stand by her?
Yahweh: "Let's see… next up is Yuri Egin. An Exorcist Second Class, Tamer. Her father is a Cardinal in the Catholic Church and an important member of the Order of the True Cross. She has close ties to Shiro Fujimoto, who will become the next Paladin. You would think these connections suggest she is a strong follower of the Faith. But that's not what I see in her life."
Yuri: "Whoa… is this, like, the time of judgment or whatever? Dude, are you God? I've always wanted to meet you! Is it true you're an angry alcoholic? Have you ever been diagnosed with Narcissism? I ask because there's like, tens of thousands of deities, but you still think you're the only one and true and best god. Are you over-compensating for something? Like maybe you have a small dick or something?"
Yahweh: "I do not know where to begin answering such impertinent questions. Yes, this is judgment. You might regret being such a smart ass when you're burning in hell. Now, let's see about your life. Hmm, you don't worship God or recognize him as the one true God, you don't believe you deserve to burn in hell, you continually disrespect the Church, Jesus, and God, and you allowed yourself to become possessed by Satan. You died bearing his spawn. Yuri Egin, what do you have to say for yourself?"
Yuri: "Um… I dunno. I'm kind of surprised I died. I'm even more surprised there's actually a system set up where my soul is sent to you after I die. Like you said, I don't think you're the one true God. But don't take it personally. I'm not trying to offend you. And I'm sure your dick is just the right size. As for being with Satan, well, I know that's controversial, and a lot of people would call it wrong. But I don't give a shit. I know I haven't done anything wrong, so anybody who thinks otherwise can kiss my cute ass."
Yahweh: "I take it this means you will not repent?"
Yuri: "Well… hmm… yeah, no. Definitely not. That sounds unpleasant."
Jesus: "But surely you will reconsider when I tell you how much I love you. I know all about you and your life and your sins. I know every time you picked your nose. I know about all the bitter sins you committed, too. Yet still, I'm in love with you. I would give my life for you. In fact, I did. I died for you. Now you don't have to go to hell, as long as you accept my love. Did I mention I love you? Isn't it great?"
Yuri: "Jesus Christ! Literally and figuratively. Slow the f*** down. I've never even met you, and you want me to accept your love? Um, I already have someone I love, and I'm good without your love."
Jesus: "I may seem like a stranger to you, but I've known you all your life. I've watched you since you were born. I'm with you everywhere you go."
Yuri: "Dude, do you not realize how creepy that is? You're a stalker. And so what if you died for me? I never asked you to. I don't see what that has to do with anything."
Yahweh: "Are you denying the love and the sacrifice of my only begotten son Jesus?"
Yuri: "More or less. I'm getting the creepy overly attached boyfriend vibe from him."
Jesus: "But I can't help it! I love you so much! Just like I love every single one of my sheep. You are part of the body of the church that is my beautiful bride! You're so pretty!"
Yuri: "I think you need mental health counseling. I'm not a sheep, and I'm not your bride. And if you want to marry a bunch of sheep, I think that means you're a furry. And you're standing too close to me. I have pepper spray and a Taser, you know."
Yahweh: "Ahem. Yuri Egin, let me spell it out for you. If you don't accept my son's love and sacrifice, you will not get into heaven."
Yuri: "That's ok. I don't believe you're the only god who keeps a heaven. Your heaven isn't absolute. There's no guarantee that anybody I know who died is actually there. Even if they were, I wouldn't want to meet most of them again. And as for enjoying eternal bliss or whatever, I don't think I'd be very happy in some snobby heaven club that sends other people into Gehenna if they disagree. So, yeah, you can shove your heaven up your not-so-cute ass."
Yahweh: "So you don't accept my son, and you don't care about your own happiness. How sad. Do you still deny that I am the one true God?"
Yuri: "Yes, but it's nothing personal. I just think you need to chillax. And don't drink so much. I've heard that kills brain cells, which could explain a lot."
Yahweh: "And do you deny that you are a sinner in need of salvation? One who, without ,Jesus, deserves an eternity suffering?"
Yuri: "Wait, are you serious? That's just evil. I thought you were an angry drunk but that's just plain evil. Do you like destroying peoples' self-confidence so much that you make them all believe they deserve hell? Wow, God. Get a life. It may be hard to accept, but not everybody hates themselves just because they're human and broke some rules. Does that hurt your feelings? Well, sorry, but grow a pair and deal with it."
Yahweh: "Yuri Egin, you have sealed your own fate. The Kingdom of Heaven cannot accept those ruled by willfulness, arrogance, and bitterness."
Yuri: "Huh? But you're extremely willful and arrogant. How come you get to rule heaven? Hmm, not very fair, is it? As for being bitter, I told you. It's nothing personal. There's nothing wrong with Christianity—it serves important roles even in the modern world—but it's not for me, personally. You've got to work on not taking things so personally."
Yahweh: "And you need to work on thinking about the consequences of your words. This concludes your judgment. You are like the weeds that need to be removed to make a perfect garden, or the chaff that is separated from the good wheat. You will be led away to the lake of fire."
Yuri: "In other words, you're giving my soul to Gehenna, right? Thanks. I've always wanted to go there. Satan told me about how you give him a certain percentage of souls that come through here. They're an interesting form of currency in divine economics. But according to Satan, being in Gehenna doesn't really feel like an eternal lake of fire, unless you're unlucky enough to be too close beside Satan's fire-breathing dragon form. He gives off a f*** ton of heat, and newbies get scorched by him quite often."
SATAN: "You won't have to worry about getting scorched when you meet me in my domain! Not even once. And unlike most of the souls that are sent my way, I won't put you to work as a servant in my kingdom. You'll rule Gehenna by my side.
Yuri: "Satan! Dude! I missed you so much, you big dick! How dare you let me die like that! It's all in the past though. What are you doing here, though?"
Satan: "I'm crashing your day of judgment, of course. I'm here to personally escort you to Gehenna. You're not affected by my flames, so you won't suffer at all. Like I said, I will make you my Queen."
Yuri: "Sounds great! Hey God, are we about done here? I'd like to hurry on to hell now."
Yahweh: "… Yes, we are done. Go to hell, Yuri Egin. And Satan… I've never seen such a crazy, demon-loving, disrespectful, and sassy woman before. You're perfect for each other. And she's pretty. So, you know… even though we're enemies, well… good for you. Now get going already."
Satan: "Yes sir! Maybe we'll drink tonight and talk it over! See ya, Yahweh!"
Yuri: "Sweet! And we get to ride to hell on a hell giant bat! I couldn't think of anything more romantic. I love you, Satan."
Satan: "I love you too, Yuri. Now, are you sure you're ok with this? Ruling in Gehenna is a big job. We won't have as much time to goof around like we did for the past year. We won't be able to see our sons except through portal openings and reports from spy demons. The twins will be raised by Shiro and will likely become our enemies in the Order of the True Cross."
Yuri: "Well, I'm just happy the boys are alive and they'll be well cared for. Even if I wasn't ok with this, it's not like I have a choice at this point, right?"
Satan: "Actually… if you want… I… I could arrange to have you reincarnated. And it won't be random. With my demonic powers, I can reincarnate you as a human girl and give you your memories of your previous life. That way, when you grow up, you can go find our sons and live a normal life by their side. You'll be younger than them, but I'm sure family bonds would come naturally as a result of you being connected to them in your past life. This won't be an easy task… and more than likely, you'll be born as a normal human who can't survive being possessed me. In other words… you'd live without me."
Yuri: "Well, F*** that. Sure, I love my kids. I'll do what I can to watch them while they grow. And someday, I'll try to persuade them that demons aren't so bad. And that their father is the most wonderful demon king in the universe. But that's enough for me. In the meantime, I want to be with you in Gehenna. I want to be with you there forever. I want to live with you, love you, have awesome demon sex, and rule the underworld."
Satan: "You're as crazy as ever, you demon-lover. I'm happy, Yuri. I couldn't have imagined a better ending for us. We'll get married in Gehenna, and you will become the demon queen."
Yuri: "What a wonderful courtship we've had. Thank you for everything we experienced together, and thank you for the future that we will begin today."
Satan: "I should be the one thanking you. I know so much more about Assiah and humans now. And I found someone I really get along with for the first time in hundreds of years. Thank you, my dear Yuri."
Yuri: "It's always my pleasure, my dear Satan."