Disclaimer: I don't own anything! No Ranma 1/2, no Tenchi Muyo, no Inuyasha, no Shadow Sill, no Dragon Ball Z no nothing! I don't own Radio Disney either! Are you happy? I own nothing! I'm poor!

Rough House
Chapter 8 (REVISED)
Grimm likes to write REVISED in caps!

Ryoga had been gone for a month. No one really missed him besides Tenchi, (who had raised another army and was encamped around the Tendo home waiting for the lost boy's return!) and Nabiki (who wouldn't admit it even if you asked so don't bother). Ranma hadn't realized Ryoga was gone until Akane said: "Doesn't Ryoga usually challenge you to a duel around this time of month?" Then it seemed everyone finally noticed: "hey! Ryoga aint here!"
Missing as well was the stupid bunny rabbit thingy that the Tenchi army had, and about a year's supply of carrots. No one really believed the two incidents were related, and as before no one really cared.
Not even Sasami, who'd found a new tiny cute pet thing in Shippou.
Eventually Tenchi and Inuyasha decided together that with Ryoga gone it was the perfect time to launch an assault on the Tendo home. The one thing they didn't consider was that the series was called Ranma 1/2, not Ryoga 1/2 so Ranma kicked all their butts in a fit of good luck.
Eventually the invading army made peace. A short-lived peace that ended when Ranma met Kagome...

"Hi! I'm Kagome! I'm just your average middle school student who goes back in time to the feudal era!"
"Middle school student?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"Yes." Kagome nodded.
"Did'ja fail a grade?" Ranma wondered.
"No." Kagome said with face as blank and clueless as Kasumi's.
"Well then, I got one question fer ya!" Ranma announced.
"What is it?" Kagome asked.
"Are those huge honking things real!?" Ranma blurted, and ever since Inuyasha and Tenchi have waged an even more violent war against the Ranma 1/2 cast.
And it was at this time that the grandest of all heroes came to aid the Ranma 1/2 cast. The grand, and powerful . . . Azusa.

"Oh! That half demon is so cute! Your Azusa's little Chloe, that's what you are!"
"Chloe?" Nabiki frowned.
"She's running out of French names." Akane guessed.
"Get her off me!" Inuyasha cried.
"Give back my Chloe!" Azusa screamed, trying to rip Inuyasha out of Kagome's grasp.
"You give back my sex slave-eh I mean body guard!" Kagome screamed.
"Well, at least she's wreaking havoc in there." Nabiki reasoned. That's when the giant Saiyan space pod crashed into the middle of Tenchi's army of extras. And out popped none other than . . . Ryoohki.
What? You were expecting maybe Ryoga?
Well he showed up in the next pod.
Ryoga emerged from the pod, he was dressed as he normally did, but was also wearing a long cape.
"I, Ryoga Hibiki, have returned!" He announced.
No one cared, everyone was trying to escape Azusa.
"Give me back my Marianne!" Azusa screamed, trying to rip Kuno's head off his shoulders.
"I forbid it! I am NOT your Marianne!"
"I won't allow it! He is indeed your Marianne!" Aeka snapped.

BTW, during the month long wait for Ryoga's return, Aeka and Kuno tried to get married since they were soul mates an all, but when the minister said "Do you take this man/woman to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife" their responses had been . . . you guessed it.
"I FORBID IT!"
"I WON'T ALLOW IT!"

Ryoga snuck to the Tendo home before Azusa could land eyes on her darling Charlotte, but Nabiki was the one in charge of the door.
"Let me in!" Ryoga pleaded.
"Slip a five spot under the door." Nabiki demanded.
"I'm your husband for god's sake!"
"You've been gone for a month, for all you know I have a new husband!" Nabiki said.
"Really?" Kinnosuke popped up from out of nowhere, hope in his eyes, and his stupid butler doll in his hands.
"Not you!" Nabiki whispered. "I'm just trying to get some spending money-go away you financially impaired infidel!"
She opened the door for Ryoga, who immediately presented Akane with various traveling gifts. Nabiki hit him over the head with a table.
"My, my. What couple do they remind you of?" Soun asked Genma.
"Never expected it from Nabiki." Genma nodded.
"You know if he dies, you collect life insurance and you can remarry." Kinnosuke noted.
"Are you STILL here?!" Nabiki demanded.
There was a knock on the door, Kasumi answered it and invited Tenchi, Inuyasha, Kiyone and Kagome inside. She was oblivious to the fact that they were, one: all wielding pieces of wood with nails driven through one end, and two: they were sort of waging deadly war on the Tendo clan just a moment ago.
Regardless they came into the common room and Tenchi spoke.
"We, of the Tenchi/Inuyasha military have agreed. We surrender, if you call off your evil demon girl!"
"Yay!" Ranma cried.

Azusa was lured away with a trail of jellybeans and stuffed animals. The war was... over.
Except when Ryoga looked over at Kagome and shouted "Holy hamsters! Are those things REAL?" and got not only a very heavy chair slammed into his back by Nabiki, but a slap on the cheek from Kagome, and the war was once again initiated.

100 years later . . .

Tenchi X sighed. "We've come to negotiate peace." He said.
"Holy squeedly spooch!" Ryoga VIII cried, pointing at Kagome XII. "Are those things REAL!?"
He was hit over the head by a heavy chair wielded by his sister, Nabiki VII.
Alas, they shall never learn.

100 years ago . . . er present date I guess . . .

"One final battle!" Tenchi cried.
"Well bring it on then!" Ryoga cried. "With my cool cape, and my Shadow Sill I'm unstoppable!"
"I was wondering why he was wearing that cape." Mousse frowned.
"Shut up four eyes!" Harry Potter cried.
"Four eyes!?" Mousse cried. He and Harry Potter started fighting to the bloody death. Mousse won.
Ryoga got into the usual somewhat gay Shadow Skill pose and recited the somewhat annoying Shadow Skill battle oath thingy, then sent a powerful kick that sent Tenchi's head flying.
"Goal!" Miroku cried. He quickly tore the cloths off Tenchi's dead body and put them on himself. "Girls, guess who's back!"
"Go away!" A very pregnant Mihoshi cried.
"You've already knocked us all up last time you changed faces Tenchi!" An equally pregnant Washu cried.
"The only one you didn't do was Sasami!" A massively pregnant Kiyone snapped.
"And that's cause she's like five years old." Miroku protested.
"I'm older than THAT!" Sasami screamed.
"Really?" Miroku frowned. "I dunno, you cant be a day over ten... anyway... we'll talk when you turn eighteen, until then, go away."
"Scum!" Sasami wailed an ran off wringing Shippou's neck.
"And we want pickles and ice cream!" Ryouko-who didn't really look pregnant at all-shouted at Miroku.
"Ice cream? Yeah, that sounds good-go fetch Ryoga!" Nabiki demanded.
"Why?" Ryoga asked.
"Because I'm your wife and you want to eventually lose your virginity you darn fool!"
"I'm not entirely sure why Ryouko insists a pregnant woman would want pickles and ice cream. I mean, honestly that's just her." Tenchi's dad whose name I can't spell said.
"I want the ice cream anyway!" Nabiki declared.
"What! Oh god-you're pregnant too!?" Ryoga demanded.
Nabiki blinked. "Yeah, sure. Idiot." She shrugged.
"But we've never even-"
"Did I or did I not tell you to do something!?" Nabiki demanded.
So Ryoga and Miroku ran off to get ice cream and pickles.
And Tenchi, who wasn't quite dead, began complaining.
"I can't feel my legs you guys!" He shouted. "Hey! Hey! C'mon now! HEY-YO! I'm down here! Ouch! Hey, watch it Inuyasha, you stepped on me! Ouch! Now you're jumping on me! GOMP! Now-er-overing-ee-ith-dirt an-burying-ee!"

100 Years Later . . .

Tenchi X: Hey! I've dug up something!
Tenchi: That's me!
Tenchi X: Great ancestor! You are a talking head!
Tenchi: I've been buried for 100 years! I need some fresh air!
Tenchi X: Of course! But . . . you don't have lungs, how are you even talking?
Tenchi died in a fit of logic. He shall be missed. By everyone but me!

Present Day... as if you still care...

Everyone had sat down around an enormous table to eat a delicious dinner cooked by Kasumi, Sasami, and to everyone's horror, Kagome and Akane had pitched in too.
Yes I am comparing Kagome's cooking to Akane's, you have a problem?
Tenchi was too intent on his diet of carrots to really try anything else, and since he was a severed head it wasn't as if anything made it to his stomach.
Inuyasha on the other hand took one bite of Akane's food and . . .
"ACK! Are you trying to kill-hey!" He said, a light bulb lit up over his head. "This is GREAT! Can I have some of this to go?"
"Oh sure." Akane said, giving Inuyasha a great heaping helping of her cooking.
"Yay!" Inuyasha chucked, then cackled sinisterly.
"What the heck are you so happy about?" Kagome demanded.
"I'm going to go have a picnic with Seshomaru!" Inuyasha laughed. He ran off.

Later...
"You know Inuyasha, you're right, we brothers should get along better. And this picnic looks wonderful."
"Yes... eat up." Inuyasha sneered.

"I wonder where Ukyo is..." Ranma thought out loud.

"We've been in this dungeon for a while now." Konatsu whined. "I think I remember something about human beings needing to take in water every three days or they could die of dehydration. It's been a month Ukyo and we've drank nothing but our own blood!"
"And each others." Ukyo observed.
"Can you untie me now?" Konatsu pleaded.
"No." Ukyo shrugged. "Wow, this large bottle of water would be so good . . . poured out then shoved up yer rear Konatsu!"
"You did NOT just say that! There is no god!" Konatsu cried.

Back at the feast...

Ryoga and Koga were arguing over who's headband was cooler, and weather or not Kagome's... "girls" were real. Nabiki watched with utter disgust. Weren't her "girls" big enough that Ryoga would ask her if they were real or not? The fool! The cretin! The... eh, who cared?
But then Nabiki had a strange urge to scream and curl herself into a ball. She wondered why.
"RALLY HO!"
"MOTHER OF GOD!" Nabiki screeched, she leapt ten feet out of her chair and landed on Ryoga's head, clawing at his face screaming "THEY'RE BACK! YOU DIDN'T KILL THEM ALL!"
"RALLY HO!" The dwarves cried.
"Okay, this is to much." Soun said, curled into a ball and perched on Genma's head.
"If you don't get off my head I'm going to tell that five year old school teacher that you're in love with her!" Genma warned.
"Scoundrel!" Soun whimpered, and threw himself off Genma's head. The huge army of dwarves trampled him.
"R-R-Ryoga! Kill the dwarves!" Nabiki commanded.
"I can't see." Ryoga said.
"You don't have a sense of direction, you don't need to see which way you're going, just hack and slash!" Nabiki commanded.
"With that?!"
"You dumb belt sword thingy!"
"Oh sure, it's dumb but you want me to use it to save your life."
"RALLY HO!"
"Stay out of this!" Ryoga and Nabiki snapped at the same time.
"Where ish da bar wench? D'ya ken?"
"I'm NOT here!" Kasumi screamed. She leapt twenty feet into the air then landed on Nabiki's head, clawing at her little sister's face and kicking dwarves who were now trying to climb up the ever-growing tower of people.
"Gerroff me!" Nabiki cried.
"My neck is snapping like a twig! Ranma, switch places with me!" Ryoga cried.
Everyone just stared at the three of them. Eventually it was decided that they should save Kasumi so some one could cook breakfast, but they would leave Ryoga and Nabiki as they were so as to have some entertainment with their dinner.
"If we don't save Kasumi we have to eat Akane's cooking!" Ranma shouted.
"What about ME?" Nabiki whined.
"Die with your husband." Ranma nodded.
"I hate you all!" Nabiki shouted. "If I go down you're all coming with me!" She forced Kasumi off her shoulders and onto Ryoga's then she climbed up onto Kasumi's head. "Now if you save Kasumi you have to save me!" She announced smugly.
That's when the rescue helicopter (yes helicopter) swooped down and Kinnosuke was lowered down on a cord. "Grab my hand Nabiki, and I'll pull you and Kasumi to safety!"
"What!? I know where those hands have been! In that stupid Butler puppet of yours!" Nabiki scowled. "Don't touch me!"
"RALLY HO!"
"SAVE ME!" Nabiki leapt onto the helicopter and knocked Kinnosuke off by cutting the cord that held him. He fell to his gruesome death under a hord of dwarves trying to get to Kasumi.
"WE WANTS DA BAR WENCH!"
"WE NEEDS OUR ALE AN ACK PINTS!"
Now that she was in no immediate danger, Nabiki stopped caring about what was going on down there and, after throwing the helicopter pilot out of the machine flew off in search of fortune and adventure.

Five minutes later . . .

Nabiki woke up in her room. Her head really really hurt so from that she could guess that she was hung over and she suspected she was going through some sort of withdrawal from some sort of drug, possibly marijuana which she'd never touched before in her life so she was sure she'd had proper time to go into withdrawal. She was also pretty sure she'd crashed the helicopter.
Oh no, she was just listening to Radio Disney. Damn that Hamster Dance song!
"Aw man! Her eyes are open, I guess she's still alive." Ranma said. "Sorry ma, no vital origins!"
"Can't I just take the ones she doesn't need? No one needs their liver!" Nodoka whined. "Nabiki, do you drink? You don't need your liver, it's doing nothing for you! Don't hog that healthy liver! At least let me have your kidneys!"
"What's with her!?" Nabiki demanded.
"She took the blue pill." Ranma said.
"Huh?"
"Follow the white rabbit!" Nodoka cried. "White rabbit my as-"
"And that's enough of THAT!" Genma said, leading his hysterical wife away.
Nabiki glared at Ranma. "And what are you doing here? Where am I?"
"Your in your bedroom recovering from the shock you met when you went to Las Vegas and after making four million dollars in two minutes lost it all when you bet on red twenty six." Ranma said. "We feared you'd never get out of your coma, it's been all of three minutes."
"Where's Ryoga?"
"No one knows, or cares." Ranma said. From outside Nabiki heard a faint "Hey Shampoo! What are you doing in Nebraska?"
"Bring me my foolish husband now!" Nabiki ordered Ranma.
"Eh... I'm the one that doesn't obey your every order." Ranma reminded her.
Nabiki glared at him, "Do you remember Akane's birthday party last week? Sure you do. Remember how you got wasted and went nuts with Kuno and five other guys? No? Then let me refresh your memory!" She then held up a rather interesting photo of Ranko, Kuno and five unknown guys all of them involved in... a very interesting act...
"Where'd you get that!" Ranma screamed.
"I helped Kasumi throw the party you dummy!" Nabiki growled. Actually Kasumi had thrown the party, Nabiki just set the table and claimed to have helped so she wouldn't have to buy Akane a present. But since she'd been feeling generous at the time she gave her little sister a battery she'd found on the side of the road one day. Akane gave her a look that could've killed, but Nabiki was sure that was her way of saying "Thanks, you're the best sister ever!"

Ryoga was led into Nabiki's room. Nabiki looked frail and weak, and she spoke to him as if she'd just got finished listening to Radio Disney.
"Ryoga... I'm going to die!" She coughed.
"That's cool-eh I mean... damn!" Ryoga said.
"I have... just one request." Nabiki said.
"Shoot. Where were you going to have the funeral? I'll have to leave now if I want to get there in a week so I can dance on your grave." He scowled, not believing a word she said.
"Dammit Ryoga!" Nabiki growled. "I just got done listening to some freak talk about recycling! I'm closer to death than Konatsu tied up down in the basement without food or water for a month, and soon I'll be deader than Kinnosuke!"
"Actually Kinnosuke survived." Ryoga noted.
"That cad!" Nabiki growled. "Now I have TWO last requests. Fist is kill Kinnosuke for me. The second... my darling..."
"Yeah?" Ryoga asked.
"Sign these life insurance papers... oh, and this thingy that says if you-er I mean I ever die I-er I mean you inherit five hundred billion yen from a secret government cache. This way I know my beloved husband will be taken care of after my passing..."
"Eh . . . sure." Ryoga said.
Nabiki nodded. She sat up and jumped out of her deathbed. "So... any dinner left?"
"Akane's cooking-hey! You're not dying! I knew it you liar!"
"Yes, and you've signed several papers entitling me to vast amounts of money should you ever die."
"Why'd you do that?" Ryoga asked.
"Because I'm so smart and powerful I could! Now come my darling, let's plan your alternate identity and prepare to fake your death." Nabiki said. "Just one question before we do that . . ."
"What?"
"Where's my damn ice cream you jackass!"

The End . . .

!!AFTERSHOCK!!
Nabiki interviews Grimm on the future of Rough House . . . wait . . . is it supposed to have a future?

Nabiki: It's not over?!
Grimm: Not as such, no.
Nabiki: Cretin!
Grimm: We'll I have a sequel series planned, after you make Ryoga fake his death you guys travel the anime/video game/Manga/ what the heck ever universes in a sort of Kingdom Hearts style adventure! It's called Queendom Hearts, you travel on the Star Ship Titanic guided by the Hitchiker's Guide to Crossovers!
Nabiki: Why?
Grimm: I live a very boring life. Writing this stuff-as painful as it is for me-is just about all I've got to do when there's nothing on TV.
Nabiki: Why do you only write Nabiki/Ryoga fix?
Grimm: Because Grimm/Kasumi wouldn't work.
Nabiki: Seriously!
Grimm: Because I don't like Akane, I never feel like doing a Ukyo/Konatsu, and you two are my favorite characters.
Nabiki: That's a crummy excuse!
Grimm: You two also look hella-good together.
Nabiki: Everyone knows Ryoga ends up with that stupid little Akari whore!
Akari: What? Y-you don't like me?
Nabiki: Silence wench! And stay away from my Ryoga!
Grimm: Don't you want to know if maybe I have a bonus chapter planned for Rough House?
Nabiki: After reading this chapter? No, I don't care.
Grimm: For the continuing adventures of Nabiki, Ryoga and the FF9 dwarves check out Queendom Hearts, to find out why the dwarves left the magical land of Nabiki's closet read the bonus chapter!
Nabiki: No! Don't!
Grimm: If you review, I may do more bonus chapters too!
Nabiki: I cannot let you review! (Pulls the plug on your computer)

The End! (the bonus chapters became the sequel instead)