Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Alice in Wonderland do not belong to me. JK Rowling and Lewis Carol are the wonderful people who created them.

So Cliché It's Not Even Funny I aka Severus in Wonderland



One fine gloomy day, the world (That's me) decided to make life difficult for one Severus Snape.

Sooo.

When the world found our favorite potions master asleep under and apple tree. A white rabbit suddenly decided to run over the professor. With a skip and a bounce, it landed right in the middle of Snape's middle.

Which of course startled the potion master from la la land.

An undignified squeak was squeezed out of Snape. Popping his eyes open, Snape gave the villain a venomous 'Gryffindors-are-stupid' glare. The rabbit twitched its nose, and hopped back a step. Snape change his glare from 'Gryffindors-are-stupid' to his most feared '50-points-from- Gryffindor' stare. That's when he noticed something odd about the rabbit.

It was wearing trousers.

And waistcoat, and glasses, and even a white shirt with cuff sleeves. It also had a very large pocket watch hanging from its trousers. But what really made the potion master mad was that it was holding a slim wooden wand. His wand to be exact.

Before Snape could contemplate potions that require live rabbits to be boiled alive, the White Rabbit (Isn't it obvious?) suddenly leap up, and dashed to the opposite directions. Still holding his wand. Cries of "I'm late! I'm late!" could be heard from across the field. Of course, Severus being the calm logical, calculative person he was did the only thing he could under the circumstances.

He jumped up, snarled, and ran after the White Rabbit.

After some rushing around, the White Rabbit suddenly disappeared into a convenient hole. Skidding into a halt, the professor peered cautiously into the Dark Hole. As fate would have it, a small boy with glasses and a lightning shape scar accidentally bumped into him while running away from an abominably fat boy. Snape fell into the Hole.

Snape, while falling, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!!"

Several things past by him as he fell. A large grand piano, dancing on two legs. Pigs wearing aprons with 'Beef is Good' embroidered on it. A mouse chasing a cat. Flying penguins. Gilderoy Lockhart. You get the idea.

Presently, he fell on some soft moss. Bouncing slightly on the springy green stuff, Snape caught the sight of the fleeing White Rabbit from the corner of his eye. With another snarl he rolled off the bouncy moss and gave chase. As he ran, Severus noticed that the road was going steeper and steeper. At first, he did not really paid any attention, but at a sudden curve, the road sank to a very slippery slide.

After few minutes of hair raising sliding, he landed on his bruised derrière. Resisting the urge to comfort his hurting dignity and posterior, Severus stood up gingerly and caught the sight of a door that looked like an over size mouse hole. Seeing no other way out, (the slide was too slippery), he pushed open the door. To find a similar door waiting for him, only it's half the original size and another after that, and another, and another. It went on until he came to the last door, which was only as high as his knee, and it was inconveniently locked. He was about to roar with anger when a glint of gold caught his eye.

Upon closer look, he saw it was a tiny gold key, lying innocently on gray stone floor. Following the logic of having a key and a locked door, Severus pushed the key into the lock, and twisted. The lock opened easily. Before he could inspect what is behind the door however, a loud 'clunk' sounded behind him. He turned, and saw a small metal cylinder rolling on the floor. He manage to catch the letters on the item however, which was 'Tear Gas, Keep Away', just before white smoke hissed out and enveloped the professor.

Tears began to fall uncontrollably from Snape's eyes. Soon the whole room was flooded and the water level continues to increase. Until the pressure burst open the tiny door which was no longer tiny anymore. As he floated pass the door, he found the top part of it was higher than Hogwarts' main archway door.

Curiouser and curiouser.

When the flood finally receded, Severus squeezed water from his robes and picked a small crab from his nose. When he finally got his hair out of his eyes, the professor found himself surrounded by clams. Blue-green clams on white sandy beach. Before he could wonder how he ended up on the beach, the clams opened. Wide beady eyes stared at our professor. Like a lot of frightened students usually stare at the potion master.

Before Snape could say anything, the clams shut. And scuttled to one side. Whispers could be heard from the clams. Curious, Severus leaned forward; the clams stopped whispering and stared at him.

Clams staring at Snape, "Ooooohhh.."

They went back to their whisperings. Snape decide he didn't like being ignore and sloshingly stood up. The clams stop their whisperings to look at him again. Before he could even blink, the clams scuttled forward and made a circle around him. Wide little eyes stare up at his impressive height. Severus glared down at them.

The clams and Severus might have remained that way all day if the Walrus had not arrived with his flute-cum-walking stick. At the cheerful music piping from the, um, flute, several of the clams began to dance. The music continues; more clams began to dance. Happily twirling and skipping around the confused professor who was trying to figure out how clams grew feet and had shells as bonnets.

With the expertise of the Pied Piper, Walrus began to dance away. The clams followed in an orderly line, still and skipping. Severus pretend not to see the biggest clam, looking somewhat like an anxious Mrs. Weasley, trying to tug a few baby clams away from the line. Ha, that's what you get for having stupid Gryffindors as children. He continued to ignore the Mother Clam until the line of Baby Clams almost disappears. Then, he couldn't ignore it anymore; the Mother Clam tried to chew his robes to bits.

With a reluctant sigh, Severus trudged after the clams. Muttering something about 'stupid clams' and wishing he could curse the lot of Gryffindors into them. Sadly his transfiguration isn't that good. He wondered what kind of potions would do. He wondered how clam developed teeth and feet.

He arrived non-too soon. In a fake makeshift 'restaurant', the Baby Clams had seated themselves around the table, with the Walrus on the head just finishing his speech. He'd just sent the carpenter to the kitchen for some hot sauce.

Severus looked around for a weapon. Mama Clam handed him a rolling pin. Snape burst through the door in and intimidating bat like way just as the Walrus started on his sixth clam.

Rolling pin: Boinnggg!!!

The Walrus was sent to la la land.

When the carpenter came out of the kitchen, he was met with the same fate. Whack!!! Went the mighty rolling pin.

Clams, Mama and Babies : Yayy!!!

Severus : Humpf!

Snape walked away, wet robes swishing dramatically.

Black robes : Swish! Swwiisshh!!

For some odd reason, the clams decided to follow our favourite potion master. They cheered and danced happily behind the professor. It was a strange procession. A tall wizard in black swishing robes, followed by a score of tiny pink dancing clams in bonnets, happily dancing and skipping behind the professor.

Finally, Snape couldn't bear the unbearable cuteness of it anymore. He whirled around angrily to yell and stomp on the clams. Fortunately, for the clams, he did not. He would have yell and stomp, only at that time, he caught the sight of a white rabbit.

Yes, THE White Rabbit.

Severus took off running with cheers in his wake. Long, long time after that, clams and grand clams will be telling their children and great- grand children about the Mysterious Dark Stranger, who saved a host of baby clams with only a rolling pin to arm him.

Great-grand-children clams : Ooooohhh.

Ahem, back to our story.

Snape ran and ran after the White Rabbit, who twirled the wand a few times like a baton. Severus doubled his speed in fury. The White Rabbit turned in a corner Severus followed quickly. And tripped over a knee-high fence.

Painfully, Severus picked himself off the ground. Before his eyes, past greasy strands of hair, he saw a two-storey cottage sitting comfortably in front of him. It was situated in the middle of a lush vegetable garden. But what was most important to Severus was that the White Rabbit was running up to the front door.

Black eyes narrowed dangerously. With one fluid movement, he stood up, and stride most intimidatingly towards the house. He raised a fist, and started to bang on the front door. It (the door) swung opened immediately.

The White Rabbit screeched into his surprised face, "About time you're back!!"

Snape got over his surprise quickly. Lips curling back into a snarl, he readied himself for a scathing impassioned speech when the Rabbit grabbed his arm and dragged him into the house. Blissfully unaware of the danger he was in. The Rabbit pushed the potions master upstairs, scolding and muttering at high speed all the time.

White Rabbit : You must find my gloves! The Queen will have my head chopped off if I turned up without gloves!

Severus growled in his throat. Sadly, the Rabbit was already running downstairs, much too far away to appreciate it. Feeling more than a little disgruntle, Snape glared at nothing in particular. Then he glared around the room. Then, something caught his eye that made his mouth watered. A small tea table pile high with all kinds of sweets imaginable. Severus Snape has one single crippling weakness. His thrice-damn sweet tooth. (Which explains why his teeth are so yellow)

Now, presented with a table full of gleaming chocolates, his resistance wavered, then crumbled to dust. He dashed over to the table with unseemly haste, and popped one sweet into his mouth. Severus closed his eyes and moaned with pleasure. Feeling the sweetness of chocolate dissolving down his throat.

Now, if Severus had been a muggle born, he would have known it is unwise to eat anything in Wonderland. Anyway, as he reached for another piece, Severus found himself knocking over the small table. Sweets scattered everywhere, much to his dismay. Then, it came to his notice that everything started to shrink suddenly. Cursing, he made a grab for his wand, only to be reminded that it was missing. The window was already too small for him to stick his head out, but he could still see outside.

A second realization dawned on him.

The house did not shrink at all.

HE was the one growing bigger.

Anyway, as it turned out, he was not the only one who noticed he was engorging at a rapid rate. The White Rabbit stared in horror at the dark monstrosity that was currently destroying his house.

White Rabbit : Monster! Monster! Help! Heeelp!!

Severus growled, which sent the Rabbit to new heights of panic. By now the engorging spell has stopped. A little too late it seems. The roof of the two-storey house had been lifted right off the walls. With Severus' arms and legs sticking out of various doors and windows. The whole effect resembles an odd looking octopus with four tentacles.

Seeing the 'monster' stuck, and unable to move, the White Rabbit grew brave. Grabbing a convenient carrot from his garden (he's a rabbit after all) the White Rabbit threw it a Severus.

It hit Snape on the nose. Severus immediately snarled out a warning, but the White Rabbit was too far-gone to care. Reaching for another, larger, stick of carrot, he threw it at Snape's direction. Already angry from being stuck (literally) in a house, the potion master began to scream and shout at the Rabbit who'd started to do a weird war dance. First prancing on one leg, then the other.

Occasionally throwing an odd carrot or two.

Incidentally, one of the carrots found itself into Snape's screaming mouth.

"GOAL!!!" Howled the White Rabbit, and did some more dancing as Severus choked.

Severus' face turned blue. The White Rabbit stopped dancing and stared. Severus began to shrink as per the original story. White Rabbit ran away as Severus reduced in size. If you're wondering why, well, the Rabbit happened to glance at his watch, which pronounce him late for the Queen's party.

White Rabbit : Aaahhh!!! I'm late! I'm late! The Queen will have my head if I'm late! Ugh! Forget the gloves!

With that, he ran off.

Ahem, back inside the house, Snape was still feeling slightly dizzy from the rapid shrinking when he noticed our scrutiny. With a quick movement, he shocked himself awake and straightened up carefully. With a grunt, he finger combed his hair and smoothed down his robes. Finally satisfied with his image from a crooked mirror, Snape left the room in a flurry of dark, slightly dusty robes.

Deciding to go after the Rabbit at a more dignified pace. Severus made his way over the small gate and into a dense forest. Pretty soon, after some minutes of walking, a large flower stopped Severus. A very LARGE flower as wide as he was tall. Considering how tall the potion master is, that is one very LARGE flower.

However, that was not the worst part, considering it was also Gryffindor red in color, which could be annoying enough by itself. It (the flower) has a face, a big smiley face complete with nose, mouth and eyes. Snape thought he would be sick when it wriggled flowery eyebrows suggestively at him.

Severus seriously considers poisoning the White Rabbit the next time he sees it. While he was plotting the death of one White Rabbit, more flowers seemed to have emerged. Several different kinds LARGE and colorful flowers now surrounded our potion master. Some of them cooed over how handsome and delicious looking our potion master is. Obviously they have good taste. One LARGE and RED carnation even dared to poke its leafy finger at his, uh side, yes, his side. This seriously pissed off Severus Snape, who didn't like having his, um, side poked. Yes, that's it.

Um, feeling extremely Not Happy, Snape reached into his pocket. The flowers drew closer. Snape pulled out a box of matches. The LARGE flowers, having no contact with match boxes before, came even closer. One daisy even dared to wrap a stalk around Snape's leg. Severus calmly strikes a match, and drops it on the stalk.

Chaos ensured.